Assassin's Creed: Humourous Version

In this one chapter story everything you loved about assassin's creed is not in this story or is it. Ezio, Connor, Hatham, Kenway and Templars are in this epic action packed story about the not so true random yet funny events of Assassin's Creed the AssCreed chronicals.


1. The Entire Story In One Chapter

Egypt, Year 1

Stuff happened.

Portugal, Year 2


Now, to the actual story.

Aboard the jackdaw there once was a boy named Edward who ran into voldemort and gave him a lightning scar, Yo Edward, you're a wizard, then edward's quartermaster, colonel sanders, said you're not a wizard, you're a pirate. Edward said owo. Then voldemort disappeared 'set sail for jalalabad' exclaimed ezio who will now be axed from the story. The jackdaw sailed towards Jalalabad but on the way they spied a stranded sailor gripping on to a plank of wood. They laughed and left. The stranded sailor shouted 'I have no faith in humanity, no faith, nevermore'. Edward shouted back 'quoth the sailor' colonel sanders and the crew responded with 'oooohhhh burn'. Finally they arrived at Jalalabad but realised they had left the newly born master kenway in holland so they set sail for Holland, passing the now dead sailor 'we shall call him jim' said jeff, which resulted in jeff being thrown overboard.

In Holland they found master kenway in the local brothel. He was 6 months but already knew all the lines just like his father. They collected him, tipped the ten hookers, and departed to Jalalabad. On the way back they spotted a great white shark which destroyed the ship but before the ship could be destroyed Edward sent his beloved son in a metal egg pod thingy to Krypton, where the powers of it's red sun would give him ant powers and that is how captain jack sparrow found the fountain of youth.

The end.

Connor had finished killing all the people and got a letter in the post it was from his father it was his inheritance. Connor kenway had inherited the role of grand master of the American Templars. Connor was disgusted, he decapitated the newly raised zombie Achilles and took off his assassin robes (Connors, not achilles's, that would be creepy)he then burnt and peed on the robes. The two lumberjacks wives walked past and in their irish accent said 'connor connor you will get cold' 'I ain't got time to bleed' said connor who then dressed as Haytham kenway. Connor rebuilt the Templars and changed his name back to mary. Mary became the most feared indian in all of india and America but not china he was second in china. Mary then opened a franchise selling popcorn to little kids and died a happy life.

And that is how Haytham became Antman.

Every day when he's walking down the street everybody that he meets has an original point of view and ezio says 'hey' and the Templar says 'hey' ezio nodded at the Templar who didn't return he a fit of rage ezio killed the civilian next to him and dropped to the floor to continue his fit. The Templar seeing this killed a civilian next to him seeing that the gesture had been reciprocated ezio stopped frothing from the mouth and having a fit, stood up, looting both bodies, and walking away.

Later that day ezio was practicing leaps of faith into a cart of cabbages unfortunately halfway through the jump daenerys the cart driver moved the cart but because this is ac ezio just gravitated towards it a civilian leant over to his friend and made a rude joke about it do you want to hear it well tough he was a mute and his friend was blind and deaf anyway ezio dusting himself off returned to his hideout which had now been made into a kfc the a girl burst into the room who looked like all of you reading this just with yellow hair, ezio and her 'made a cake' then Edward died because time is wibbley wobbley and then ezio died of touch and that is how colonel sander became the head assassin.

The Beginning

Terrorists come in many shapes and sizes and nasal capacities, altair was not a terrorist although his surname is very similar to a certain terrorist's. one summer afternoon big altair was cutting his way through the latest batch of Templars he claimed this was why his sword arm was very muscular but we all know that wasn't the real reason for it, yes the fabled assassin altair ibn la-ahad had been, alone in his room, late at night, doing one armed press ups but I digress altair still had a mission his mission should he choose to accept it was to tame a pope unfortunately the pope was in rome and altair was in Jerusalem and sea water did not agree with his armour so instead he invented the donut and murdered the guy who really invented it he then used a piece of eden to make a million copies of this donut and sold them throughout the world after 6 years he had enough money to complete his goal to buy some oil for his hidden blade (wink) (he was not a very good businessman) now that his tool was lubed he went after the feared Templar leader Nick Clegg. Altair ran at the Templar with his now lubed weapon but nick was clever and caught it in his hands nick then drew his and a fight broke out fortunately altair's was the stronger and faster and his blade penetrated nick clegg. The moral? Keep your weapons lubed.

And that was how England invaded america's vital regions.

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