My Design

Keeping on with my self belief mumbo-jumbo!

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1. My Design

Overthinking will be my demise, I suspect,
Holding out for a saving grace, a light
To guide my way in the depths of darkness
And the ghosts of the human mind.
The distorted thoughts and emotions
That keep me true to what I really am:
A broken toy in dire need of more breaking.
A porcelain doll with a skull so fractured
You could crumble the pieces down
And create perfect pale dust to sprinkle round.
The truth is, this was not my design.
I drew out portraits of gorgeous girls
And flawless faces that gazed out and smiled,
With such perfect teeth and hair,
Surrounded by people who loved and adored
How cute and quirky she was.
I sculpted the ideal body, the right size;

Thin, but not too thin, I’d think to myself.
But now, looking in the broken eggshell of a mirror,
I think ‘
fat, and just too fat,’ and compare myself
To the girls you see in magazines.
I’ve seen the women I look up to
Complain about things I never understood,
Until I grew, and I saw those things too.
Those things that crawl under my skin
Like parasites, infesting my imaginarily
Bloated body and making me shiver as though cold.

My mind was changed one dark day,
When I met a girl who was the epitome of perfect,
With a sparkling smile, a flawless face,
And a heart so large and warm that it thawed my own.
Her skin so perfect, like a new porcelain doll,
Preserved by collectors who adored her so.
The cuts and bruises on her body contrasted
With how pale she appeared to be, and yet,
She seemed even more beautiful, for she was strong.
Her smile never faltered, her laugh always chiming
Along with the others. It was not her design,
But whilst she attempted to redesign herself,
She encouraged others not to, for fear of them
Becoming what she had.

 

So I thought back to my ultimate design,
And took a good look at what I had wanted to be,
And then realised that I was not that girl,
I would never be the person I wanted to.
But that’s not a bad thing; I can be what I want,
I don’t need a past self to dictate to me
What I should and shouldn’t do, much like
I don’t need others to tell me what I should and shouldn’t
Look like, be like, talk like or dress like.

My new design is much more realistic,
With a smile on my face and meat on my bones,
Music in my ears and warmth in my heart.
My design is to speak my words to the world,
To be the person I love, as well as others loving me,
But not for what I look like, but what I am.

This is my life, my body. This is my design.

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