Unbeautiful

I don't remember the day everything changed.

The day i decided i was 'unbeautiful'.

I don't know what happened but everything spiralled out of control.

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1. Everything Changed

I guess i've never considered myself to be pretty or anything; but i regret the day i decided i was 'unbeautiful'.

I used to look at skinny girls and think to myself, she really should eat more.

I guess i just never understood. But i do now- i wish i didn't though. I envy those skinny girls so much, and i wanted to be like them. Thats the day it started. I'd just eaten and i felt bloated and full and FAT. I'd never even considered it before... I don't know where the idea came from! But gradually i walked towards the bathroom and bent over the toilet. With my fingers down my throat, i threw up. Again and again and again, unable to stop. I wasn't great at it then but by now, i've had plenty of practice.

I became addicted. Everytime i ate too much, i was sick. Everytime i felt fat, i was sick. But whenever the chance came by, i skipped meals. Hunger pains became addicting as well.

But occasionally things didn't go to plan. I ate, unable to stop. Then i waited too long and was not sick. This made me feel so much worse and i longed to take it back. But i couldn't.

So angry at myself. I had my mind set on one thing. No one was home so i ran to the kitchen and i grabbed a knife. Cut after cut and cut, addicted.

This is when everything changed - i became unbeautiful.

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