This is a story about loss and the way a certain teen girl has to deal with life.


1. The World has a crazy way of working

It all started when I was seven. My sister Jessica, whom was eight, took a rock and threw it at me. i remember her yelling at me, calling me a jerk, then throwing the rock at me. It hit me just above my left eyebrow. I cried as it was bleeding. Mom flipped out on her, but at the time I thought that was the worst thing she could do to me. We were always close. I could remember moments where she'd stand up for me even if it got her in trouble. That's how we were for a long time.


We were on our way home from shopping at the mall and everyone was tired. Mom and Dad were fighting, Jessica was sleeping silently on my shoulder. I remember putting in my earbuds to my Ipod, so I could drown out their fighting. It was raining and I could tell it would start snowing soon.

It was early december, close to my birthday. I was gonna be turning thirteen. I had all my party planned out. I was gonna have all my friends over and we were gonna play video games and watch movies. I was so excited.

I had Birdy playing in my ears at the time it happened. She had just hit a high note. A car had hit us, we crashed into other cars, and flipped. I lay in the car for what seemed like forever. My sister grabbed my hand and held it as I watched blood stream down my mothers face. I cried as we waited for help, my Ipod still playing.

I stayed in the hospital for a week, my sister a week, and my parents were both in coma's. Truthfully I'd like to say that they both magically got cured and came back to us, all happy and smiles. And we lived happily in this world with no problems, but sorry were not in some fairy tale. I'm no princess.

Here's what happened. They both died. My mother died on December 19th at 5:26. My father on December 19th at 5:30. It shows they really couldn't live without each other, sweet right?

So now I'm a girl with only my sister. But after all that crap she started pushing me away. Like she didn't care about me. She left me to heal by myBrself. Which come to think of it, I healed wrong. I just pushed any depressed feelings further down. It probably made it worse.


I am now almost fifteen and starting a new school in Washington, with my sister. We live with our Aunt Amy. Middle school was hard. I had no friends, no family, and I was slowly losing myself in the deep pits of depression. My only friend betrayed me, I hated her then. And I really closed up after that.

My sister started heading down the popular path. Cheerleading, partying, and all that. She had tons of friends, I could tell they all hated me. I was a freak and they were 'cool', in their heads at least. Not only did i get called names by others but by my sister too.

So one day I decided to change. I dyed my hair black and my bangs pink. I started to stop caring about everything. I wrote, listened to music, and sat alone in my room. I wouldn't talk to anyone.

I walk into the school with my Ipod blaring some random screamo song. Ready to be made fun of and stared at.

"Little sister, why are you dressed like that?" Jessica snickers at me. Staring at my black skinny's and Blacklisted Me shirt.

"Do you want us to help you learn some style?" Janie, the redhead giggles.

"Do you want me to help you learn how to close your freakin' mouth for once." I smile and walk off. Feeling the rush of depression rush over me. I smirk letting everyone know that they can't mess with me.

I get to my first period, English, and take my seat. Happily waiting for the day to start.

"Okay, for our first project I will be putting you with a partner and you will pick a play to study." The teacher says. He starts naming off people,finally I hear my name. "Dakara Matlin and Asher Longoni." He finshes reading off the names and starts writing on the board. "Now find you partners and get working."

I look around for this Asher kid. "Hey." This really good looking guy walks up. "Asher." He sits in front of me.

"Dakara." I smirk.

The teacher goes around handing out a sheet of paper. When she gets to us, she sighs. "Get everything done." She states in a flat tone.

I look over the paper. We have to make sure to answer two questions somewhere in our project. One, what we would change. Two, how we would change a persons thinking. The rest is creativity and an essay.

"So what do you wanna do this on?" I ask Asher.

"How about how Romeo and Juliet should've been portrayed differently." He smiles.

"What do you mean?" I stare at him.

"Like Juliet should've been a lot smarter and gone for something that was good for her. Because in truth most older guys don't really want love from younger girls. What was she like 13? It makes women think that older guys are nice and sweet when in truth most of them want to get in their pants." He explains.

"Damn, never heard a boy sound so smart. You sure you're male?" I laugh.

"Babe, I know I am. Wanna check?" He winks.

"Nah, I'm good." I laugh.

"So Romeo and Juliet?"

"Yeah. I'm down with it."

"Good. Now who's house we gonna work at?"

"Let's save my house for a different time. Not good family life right now." I say, shaking my head.

"Fine, be prepared for my little sister. She's odd." He smiles. "And all the rest of my siblings, freaks I tell you."

"At least you have siblings that care. My sister hates me and I mean hates me."

"Probably not." He shakes his head.

"You've probably met her. Jessica Matlin."

"Oh god." His eyes go big. "How are you related to her." He puts empasis on the her.

"I know right. I'm not saying she's a slut, I'm just saying she rarely sleeps in her own bed."

"Wow, thats nice." We laugh.


After I get my stuff out of my locker and head outside. I look around and see some people kissing, laughing, and others standing with their friends flirting. Not only do I seem like the black sheep in this school, but I will always be hated. No matter what. And thats okay with me. I don't like these people anything.

I start heading down the sidewalk to my house. I hear someone yell my name, I turn and see Asher jogging up to me. "Dakara!"

"Whatcha need, boy?" I smile.

"Wanna start working tonight?"

"Sure." I shrug. "What ever works for you."

He hands me a slip of paper. "Call before you leave." He smiles and turns around and heads to a bus. I decide not to go and to walk to the park and stay there for awhile.

I sit on a bench near the playground. I see some people from school walking by. They're laughing and hold hands with some guys. I can't believe I wanted to be like that when i was younger. What was I thinking?


I knock on the door, waiting for Asher. "Hello, miss." He smiles as he opens the door.

"Hey Bubba!" I hear some little girl yell.

He laughs, "Come in." We walk into a little living room, with some little girl sitting on the floor playing.

"Hi!" She smiles. "Are you Bubba's girlfriend?"

"Nah. Just a friend." I laugh.

"Okay, whatever you say." She giggles. "My name is Lizzy."

"Okay, Liz. Now I'll be in my room studying with Dakara, 'kay?" Asher smiles.

"Otay." She goes back to playing with her Barbies on the floor.

"She's something." I say as we get to his room.

"I told you." Hesmirks. "Oh and she gets worse, just wait."

"I can imagine." I laugh. "Like I said it's better than having a Jessica, where she hates your guts."

"She can't hate you." He shakes his head. "She's your sister."

"She has told me and I quote, 'Just because we're related by blood doesn't mean I have to like you and deal with your crap.' No joke." I frown.

"Wow that is kinda messed up." He stares at me. "Wait strach that, that is messed up."

"Study time." I throw a book at him.


After studying for what seemed like froever but was actually ten mintues, we turned on some music. Laughing at our choices. It was like I actually had a friend for that moment in my life. A feeling I haven't had since i was young. It was a good feeling and I loved it. I want to be able to feel this all the time. Maybe there is a chance I could have a friend.

"Asher Mason! you here?" His my mom yells.

"Mason?" I smile.

'Yes,Mom!" He calls. "Project partner is here too."

She walks in, "Hello. I am Martha."

"HI." I smile. "Dakara Matlin."

"Well stay as long as you need, just not passed eight-thirty." She laughs and leaves.

"Awkward." I stare at him, giggling.

"Yeah." He laughs.

"Mason?" I giggle.

"Don't make fun." He shakes his head.

"Asher Mason Longoni. Hmmm." I smirk.

"Stop it!"

"Why?" I smile. He glares at me and right then I can tell we are going to be friends. Being to tell is one of the great things I've ever felt. Without my parents and my old friends is hard but if Asher does stay friends with me. Then it may be easier, maybe just a little easier.

"Bubba!" Lizzy knocks on the door.

"My god." He whispers.

"Ashy!" She yells again.

His face gets bright red. "Lizabeth! Shut up and come in."

She walks in. "Never mind." She giggles.

"Seriously?" He sucks in air. "Wow, Lizabeth."

"Sorry. I forgot what I was gonna ask." She smiles.

"Out! Now." He glares at her. "Leave me alone for the rest of the night."

"Bubba!" She runs out with tears in her eyes.

"Umm..." I look at the ground, awkwardly. My phone buzzes gently in my pocket. I pull it out and check it. Jessica is calling, I have three missed calls, and two texts. I sigh.

"Everything okay?" He asks.

I smile. "Yeah, just gotta call my sister back."


"Hello." I say into the phone.

"where the hell are you?" JEssica asks.


"You need to get home. Amy is flipping."

"Does it sound like I care?" I sigh.

"Seriously, Dakara?" She whines. "Just get home."


I walk into the house smirking. "I'm home now."

"Thank god, please call next time." Amy comes up and hugs me.

"It's not like I was gone forever." I shrug her off me.

"Ungrateful brat..." I hear Jessica say under her breath.

"You know maybe it would be better if I was gone." I glare at Jessica. I never in my life thought my sister would hate me so much. It's like she wants me to leave. Maybe I should've died along with mom and dad. At least then she wouldn't have to deal with me.

"Don't talk like that." Amy states sharply.

"Why? It's not like Jessica would care." I roll my eyes. "God, don't you see that yet?"

"Dakara Marie Matlin!" Amy snaps. "Stop it now!"

I groan. "Why can't I just tell the truth on how she feels. Does it look like she trying to say that she cares, no. She is sitting on her phone not caring that she is losing me. Everyone is losing me. Even me! I'm losing myself and I don’t care anymore! Maybe if I do go insane everything would be better, then you could get rid of me!"

"Dakara..." My uncle Brian walks behind Amy.

"No one cares!" I stare at him. "Don’t you see? Not even mom cared! She let my problems slide, it was always about Jessica! Jessica this, Jessica that. No one known that I hurt myself on a regular basis. No one! Don't you realize I have been only this whole time? I've had no one. I've lost my friends, my family, and now myself."

"Please Dakara can we talk?" Brian asks gently.

"What ever." I wipe the tears from my eyes and walk up to my room. To be alone and hurt like always.


That's how it's always been. No one ever asks me if I'm okay. No one ever wanted to know, not even my 'friends'. They got mad when they heard I was depressed. So what else was I supposed to do? It was either pretend to be happy or lose everyone. So I did what I thought was easier. I cut and pretended to be happy. It all worked until he came along. Travis. My best friend whom then became my boyfriend right before my parents died. He was there for me before, during, and after their deaths.

But then I got moved away and I've heard her is dating a new girl. Someone who isn't depressed and crazy. Maybe it was best that I left. Maybe? He used to message me every now and then but he stopped a while ago. Maybe he got tired of dealing with my crap. But that's okay with me.

I sit on my bed, cry, sometimes cut, and other times think of smoking. But right now the only thing going through my head is, I am alone. No getting rid of it, I always will be.


It has been eight months since that project and still Asher is talking to me. But I make sure not to let him get to close to me. Don't want to hurt him when I die. Yes I said when I die. I've been playing it for a while. I just don't know when yet. For all I know I could do it tomorrow.

"Hey, Kara." Asher walks up.

I put my sandwich down. "Hey,Ash." I smile, hiding all my pain with that one little smile.

"I know this is probably going to piss you off but I'm switching schools..." He frowns.

"What...?" I stare at him blankly.

"I am so sorry." He grabs my shoulders. "My parents told me last night."

"Wow." I say, shaking my head.

"Kara I rea..."

"Don't talk to me! You're leaving me like everyone else has!" I pull my shirt sleeve to show my cuts.

"What the hell?" He stares at them and grabs my arm.

"Goodbye, Asher." I walk away. Not caring that he is yelling my name. It is my time. I can feel it. I will die as soon as possible. I will disappear from this world as fast as it takes Asher to realize what he has just saw.

"Freak..." I hear someone whisper.


"Emo" Someone laughs.



'To all who read this,

You may not remember me. But my name is Dakara Marie Matlin. I am an ex-cutter and I have depression. There are some people I would like to say sorry so let’s start. I am sorry to all my friends from middle school. I'm sorry Travis. But most of all, I am so sorry Asher. You helped keep me sane longer. Thank you.

Now my sister, I swear I have no clue how were related. Our Mother was a pale, fair-haired, and had blue eyes. An easy person to get along with, and you can totally tell she was the 'It' girl in high school. Our Father on the other hand, a dark haired, tan skinned, with these dark green eyes that I loved. He was more like me, always stood up what he believed in. Never wanted what everyone else wanted. They were total opposites, who knows how they got together.

Now to explain how different my sister and I are. She is a Jessica. A blonde, skinny, and someone everyone loves. She is like everyone else into all that pop stuff, in love with high heels, and thinks make up is everything. I swear if you sat with her for to long you would forget you were alive, because she walks so much. I know she hates me and I'm okay with it.

Now me. I'm a Dakara. Black hair with blue highlights, I think of myself as skinny but not like my sister, and everyone thinks I'm a freak. I like emo and screamo. You get it, I'm different. And people hate me for it. But it's okay, I 'm used to not having friends. I've been a loner since my parents died, I was fourteen. Now I am sixteen almost seventeen.


Dakara Marie Matlin'

I finish typing it into the letter and happily press send to all my contacts.

"I don't wanna be late god." Jessica whines. I shake my head and laugh. I keep looking in the pantry for food. "Amy, Dakara is making me late!"

"Kara honey, please. Just go so you and your sister are not late." Amy is our Aunt. I hate her. She thinks Jessica is amazing, and a perfect angel. I walk out to Jessica's car and hop in. We drive in silence. And when we pull into the school Jessica smiles.

"Jess!" My sisters best friend Carrie yells. I walk away to the field behind the school, my spot since ninth grade. I lay back in the grass taking in the smell of fresh cut grass. I grab my Ipod out of my backpack and pop my ear buds in. I sit there for a while then I hear the five-minute bell ring. When I get into the school I get the look of, 'Why is the Freak here?' I look away from everyone and head for my locker.

I open my locker and throw my backpack inside, pop my Ipod in my pocket with my phone, and grab my notebook. I hear people whispering when they walk past my locker. "I think she cuts." Is all I catch when Derrick the jock walks by. I let the image of my mother and father pass through in my head. I feel a silent tear slide down my face.

"Dakara get to class, you'll be late." Jessica walks by me, smirking. 'God I hate her so much!'

"Brat." I say under my breath. Laughing.

"What'd you say?!" She turns around.

"You can hear? I thought you had trouble with it?" I smile.

"Okay get this right, you can not have whatever you want! Just because Mommy and Dad are gone! Stop acting like such a little selfish pig!?" She yells at me. And with that she walks away, leaving me there to be alone. As she goes off to play with her friends.

I snap. The tears are falling fast. And I can feel my nose starting to run. I stick my head in my locker so no one see's me cry. I hear the bell ring, not caring I slam my locker and run into the bathroom. I grab my Ipod and put my ear buds and just cry as a song plays in my ears. I hug my knees.

Never in my life have I ever hurt myself or even ever thought about it. But in that moment that's all I wanted, was to just die. Jessica hates me. Amy hates me. Everyone hates me. I grab my phone and see my last messages. None, there's none. It's all empty. I lay my head back on the stall door. 'I don't wanna be here anymore. I hate this! I'm done! I can't do this, no one cares about me! I give up!' I let out a slow breath. And I throw my Ipod against the wall, it cracks and the screen goes black.

"Screw it!" I gasp.

"Umm is everything okay?" Someone says. I shove the door open to see some girl. Still there are tears falling. She stares at me softly. I crumble to the ground and she gets down and hugs me.

"Why do you care? You should laugh at me like everyone else!" I say loudly. And push her away.

"I understand how you feel. Do you even know me, no. Because no one ever notices me. Everyone looks past me." She looks at the ground.

"I gave up a long time ago I'm done!!" I cry. I stand up and punch the mirror. My hand stings and blood drips from my hand.

"I tried killing myself two years ago. I am dealing with an eating disorder. No one even notices, my moms to busy with her boyfriends. My brother is always gone so he can be with his girlfriend. My family acts like I'm nothing and everyone here thinks I'm perfectly happy! I am not! You are not alone!" She stares at me.

"I'm sorry." I walk out like nothing happened, leaving her to be alone. I get outside and stand just outside the door.

"I'm sorry, Mommy." I whisper.



**Three hours after Dakara went home form school**

I laugh as I read the text from Trisha. I walk to the bathroom to pee. I try to open the door but it's stuck. 'Crap!' "Dakara! Hey are you here?" I knock on her door. No answer. "Dakara!" I call again. I open the door.

I scream. "Kara baby!" I yell. Dakara is laying in her bed blood covers her wrist and an empty bottle of pills on the floor. I cry. "Kara! Please. I am so sorry for everything! Please tell me you're pranking me! I need you! You can't leave me like mom and dad! Kara!" I grab for my phone and dial 911.

I hear the lady answer.

"I just found my little sister, her wrist are covered in blood and there is an empty bottle of pills on the floor. I don't know what to do. She can't leave me! Mommy and Daddy are already gone!" I yell.

"Miss, please just relax." She says.

"How can I relax my little sister is probably dead! And it's probably my fault! I was never nice to her! And know she's gone." I cry harder. I grab Dakara and hold her close, throwing the phone on the ground.

"Dakara May, please come back to me. I need you. I love you. I am so sorry I never told you that after they died I was so stupid for pushing you away like that." I whisper as I cry. I hear police sirens coming closer. "Kara, I need you. I can't do this without you." I hug her tighter. 'What was she going through? Was it me? Could I have stopped her? Oh god.'

The EMT's come in and take her as I sit there dazed.


Aunt Amy, Uncle Brian, and I sit in some chairs in the hospital. I lay my head back on the wall. Amy is crying into Brian's chest, as her hugs her. "I am sorry." I whisper.

The doctor walks out, a sad look on his face. "We tried everything but she must have had those pills in her stomach for hours and all the blood was to much. She must have been dead for at least a half hour." He looks down.

"It's my fault." I say. " I could've helped her. I could've saved her." I cry.

"Honey, no it's not." Amy says.

"I yelled at her and called her a selfish brat and said stuff about mom and dad. I saw her crying and I did nothing..." I sit my head down. "May I see her?" I ask the doctor.

"Yes, room 180." He smiles. I walk down to her room and slowly open the door. She is laying there so peaceful. So beautiful. I feel a tear fall down. I run to her and grab her. Wanting her to wake up from death and hug me back. Wanting her so bad that I fall to the ground.

"I could've saved you." I whisper. "I'm sorry Dakara. I wish I could've seen what I was doing to you and what the kids at school were doing. I didn't know it was hurting you that bad inside...I'm sorry." I hug my knees and cry. "Sorry little sister."

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