I had no idea what to do. Everything was one big mess. But I had to face the facts. I have to face my past.
And that's what I did.


1. Forgetting


I didn't want to remember. I wanted to forget. Just forget it all.

I sat down. Looking out the window and wondering how I ended up here. I wasn't supposed to ever go back. I wasn't supposed to ever look back. But you made me. You made me.

I tried to stand up, but you held me down. I closed my eyes for a second, but when I opened them again, everything was different. I had somehow travelled in time, like I had gone back 20 years. I saw myself as a child running outside the window. Running towards my father. I remembered the moment. The moment he came home. I remembered how much, I had missed him. How I had prayed every night, that he'd return from the war. And then the day came, when he finally did.

I looked away from the memory, but once again, you made me look back. You grabbed my head and made me. You made me.

Everything was different after my father had returned. He had changed. In a bad way. He didn’t pick me up as he used to. He didn’t tickle me every night, when I was laying my bed. He didn't look at my mother, as he always did. He just wasn’t himself. Even though he had returned alive, he had somehow died in that war. My father, as I knew him, was gone, and had left me with a stranger. A stranger in my father’s body.

Once again I tried to stand up, and finally you let me. You let me stand up, and I did. I walked away from the window and across the empty room. I walked towards the door, but that you didn’t let me do. You pushed me to the ground, and made me remember the horrible day. You made me.

I was lying under the table. The dining table that we used to sit by and eat at. The stranger in my father’s body was out of control again. Again. It wasn’t the first time I had seen him like that. It had happened a lot recently. He ran towards the window and hid behind the curtains, where he thought they couldn’t see him. But they weren’t really there outside the window. They were in his head. In his mind. And they were taking over. Not just him, but all of us.

Every time they tried to take over, it affected everybody. Me, my mom, my sister and most off all, my father. He was running around, trying to get away from them. But he would never succeed and we all knew that, except him.

My sister crawled down next to me, while our mother tried to stop him. She couldn’t. He ran out of the room and I thought we were safe. We both crawled out from our hiding and ran towards our mother. She was a mess. She didn’t know what to do, just like the rest of us. We didn’t know what to do.

It was quiet. We stood still. Almost as if we were waiting for something to happen, but nothing did. Not yet. Not until my father came in to the room again. He ran to the same window as before, and hid behind the curtains again. But something was different this time. He had a gun. He was ready to shoot them. Ready to go all in.

I stood up trying to run out of the house, but my hand wouldn’t open the door. You stopped me. You turned me around. You made me walk over to the window. You made me.

“Daddy.” My sister walked towards our father, trying to stop him. But she scared him instead. She shouldn’t have done that. Our mother screamed. I screamed. But my sister was quiet. She just lied on the floor looking peacefully. But nothing was peaceful. Nothing.

My mother kept screaming. My mother. Our mother. My sister was still here. She would always be. This wasn’t over.

They stormed through the door and finally I saw them. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why. But I did. I screamed at my father. Told him to get them. To make them go away. But he didn’t react. He didn’t do anything. He just stood still, looking at what he had done to my sister.

I looked down. I looked at what he had done. The blood flooded out on the beautiful wooden floor and made it red. I saw myself in the blood. My cheeks were shiny red and my eyes were big and sleepy. I looked up.

The door was closed like nothing had happened and they were gone. Everything was as it used to be. I looked down and there she was. Still lying on the floor. I hoped. I wished. I prayed. But nothing worked. My mother always told me to have faith and that was the only thing I had left.

I screamed. I let out everything. I couldn’t believe what you made me do. I told you I didn’t want to remember. I told you I didn’t ever want to go back. But you made me remember. You made me remember. I made me remember.

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