Malec One-Shots (The Mortal Instruments)


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12. Mourning

Alec’s hand shook, as he fumbled with the key, and slid it into the lock, turning it and letting himself in. He dropped his coat by the door. It was soaked from the rain, and his tears. He slowly took his boots off, and wandered over to Magnus’ settee. It was two O’clock in the morning. He’s asleep, Alec thought to himself. He knew he would be. And he had no intention of waking him up. He just wanted to be out of his home. Alec hugged his knees to his chest, and sat in the silence of the loft, crying softly to himself. He couldn’t breathe properly. He was hyperventilating, scrunching his face up to try and get himself to stop, but when the tears had started, he couldn’t stop himself. He buried his face in his knees, trying to muffle the sound.

“Alec?” The voice was questioning, and sleepy. Alec turned his head, and saw Magnus standing in the doorway to the bedroom, his hair mess, no makeup on, and in his boxers and a silk dressing gown. Alec sniffed, and used the sleeve of his jumper to wipe his nose and his eyes. “Yeah.” He said, his voice cracking. Magnus rubbed his eyes, and yawned. “What are you doing here?” The warlock questioned. Alec couldn’t answer, and was all the more aware of the tears rolling down his face. But he couldn’t stop. He turned away, and put his feet on the floor, folding his arms awkwardly on his lap.

It wasn’t long before Magnus was sat next to him. Alec looked away, but Magnus caught his chin, and pulled his face towards him. He frowned. “Why are you crying?” He asked, instantly putting his arms around his young boyfriend. This action made Alec sob more, and he couldn’t breathe again. He was moaning and hyperventilating, and he couldn’t do anything but let his body spasm with the tears. And Magnus waiting, rubbing his back warmly, pulling his arms around Alec as he cried.

Eventually Alec’s crying became less severe, and they could talk once more. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong, Alec?” Magnus asked. He was lying back on the settee, Alec was curled up on him, resting his head on his chest. Magnus was stroking the boy’s soft hair. Alec looked up, and chewed his lip. “I miss Max…” He whimpered. Magnus closed his eyes tight, remembering Alec’s little brother. The small boy, whose life ended so quickly – murdered, when he couldn’t defend himself. “Why aren’t you home with your family?” He asked, curling his finger in Alec’s hair.

“Dad never came home from Idris…and mom is just falling apart, and tonight, I could hear Izzy sobbing in his bedroom, and I just can’t take it anymore.” He cried, and Magnus felt more hot tears hitting his skin. “What do you mean?” Magnus asked, not understanding what he meant.

“Mom and Izzy are both falling apart, and dad can’t even look at us anymore. I don’t want my family to fall apart…and Max wouldn’t have wanted us to fall apart, so I have to try and keep everyone together. Which means I can’t cry. If I breakdown, that’s it. And I can’t let that happen.” He explained, moaning on his own tears. Magnus stroked his hair and his side, trying to comfort his lover as best he could. “Do you want to talk about your brother?” He asked, and Alec nodded. “So talk.” He said. Alec sat up, and wiped his face.

“I never really got to play with Izzy as a toddler…because we were born so close together, and Jace came to us when he was eleven…but Max. I got to play with him when he was young. It was nice – he was a really playful child. Smart, too. He was nine when he…” Alec swallowed and looked down. “But he was much smarter than I was when I was his age. He could have done great things.” He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “Sometimes I wish… that maybe I’d died instead. Max was just a kid…he didn’t do anything. Hadn’t even killed a demon. I’ve done bad things in my life, but Max was clean. He was perfect. He never deserved having his head hammered in…” He whispered. Magnus brushed some longer hair behind Alec’s ear. “Nobody deserved what happened to Max. And if you had died in his place… your family would still be in this position. It wouldn’t make it any better.” He soothed. Alec looked down, and bit his nails. “I regret how I treated him. I always said I never had enough time to play with him…I was always too busy…too moody, too tired.” His eyes brimmed with tears. “I should’ve…spoken to him. Spent more time with him. And now…I can’t.” Alec whimpered. Magnus cuddled him close again. “It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault.” He said, and Alec shook his head. “I shouldn’t have left Izzy and Max alone with him. I should have known. Max knew. I should have listened to him…if I had, I could have protected him…” He cried. Magnus shook his head. “Izzy is one of the best shadowhunters of your age group. She almost died along with Max. If you had been there, your parents might have lost both of their sons.” He told him, and held him as he cried, until Alec eventually fell asleep. He carried him to bed, and stayed close to him as he slept.

________

Magnus brushed Alec’s hair away from his face, frowning at the dried tears on his lover’s face. And then he turned away. The memories Alec had brought up about his brother had stirred emotions deep in Magnus. Memories and feelings he’d long since suppressed. He’d been alive so long, seen so many people’s deaths. Memories flashed by, names of people he thought he’d forgotten, his parents on the list. And then a friend. Such a close friend. Someone he’d valued for so long. Ragnor Fell. Magnus remembered that night, as Alec’s city fell, the dark scene inside his friend’s home. There was nothing left of that man when he got there. They’d completely torn him to pieces. And it was there, in the grim little hut just outside Alicante, that he wept, and mourned his friend.
And suddenly it was back in his head. The thoughts he’d buried for Alec’s sake. The things he never brought up for fear of hurting him, like he’d hurt so many others. Magnus felt the warm hot track of a tear down his face, and he almost smiled. I haven’t done this in a long time, he thought to himself. And he turned away from Alec, wiping the tears from his face. Chairman Meow lazily meandered up to him, eyeing him curiously with his big cat eyes. “It seems it’s not only Alec who is mourning.” Magnus told the cat softly, smirking at his own sadness. “You remember Ragnor, right?” He asked the cat, picking it up. The cat sat in his arms, rubbing his head against his forearm. Magnus let his tears fall onto the Chairman, and the Chairman looked up at him with what seemed like pity. “Ragnor Fell? The warlock?” Magnus froze in surprise.
"Chairman Meow? You can talk?” He asked. He knew the cat couldn’t (he’d already tested that hypothesis), but it still made Alec chuckle. “It’s me, silly.” he said, and Magnus buried his face in the cat’s fur, disguising his crying before turning to face Alec. “Yeah, me and him used to be very close.” He explained, and another string of memories flashed through his mind. Alec frowned. “Clary said he died. Do you miss him?” He asked absently, and Magnus stopped. Is that what it was? “Perhaps.” He murmured. Alec watched him.
"It’s perfectly normal to be sad when your friends die, Magnus. I’m pretty sure you’ve just spent the last…hour? Convincing me of that. Take your own advice and let yourself mourn him." He told him. Magnus looked down. "I’m not really the mourning type…" He said, and Alec slapped his leg. "I may be a bad liar myself, but I can still spot a lie. You miss him, and there is no shame in that." Alec turned over in bed nonchalantly, although Magnus knew the movement was anything but. "And besides, I’m fairly sure a friend ofyours would be pretty pissed off you didn’t spend at least a month mourning him.” He told him. Magnus smiled sadly, and let the cat go. “So do you mind if I cry quietly next to you for the night?” Alec turned onto his back, and leaned up to kiss Magnus tenderly on the lips. “I owe you at least a couple of hours of letting you cry. I can give you a few more, though.” He said, and Magnus looked down, and nuzzled Alec on the shoulder, settling down to sleep on him. “I might take you up on that.” He said. 
Alec put his arms around. “Now, do you want to talk about it?” Magnus nodded, “So talk about your friend. Tell me about Ragnor Fell.” Alec whispered, and Magnus sighed, and began speaking about his friend. He cried, he laughed and for the first time he felt that he was showing Alec things he’d never shown anyone before. 

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