Moment in time

I gave birth to a shapely little girl. I was seventeen when I became a mom to my daughter. She had just me and I didn't tell her who was her father. I lived a pretty normal life, until he came back.


18. Hospital



I cried all day Saturday and all day Sunday. Mom took care of Lilly and left me alone. I was grateful for that! All I wanted to do was to die, because I regretted it as much as I was happy to have made the choice. What I didn't understand was that it was so painful! My whole body ached and all I could think about was what I left behind. Mom said Lilly missing her dad and that she wasn't happy, but I was selfish. I cared only about myself and it was the first time in years that I did it. I couldn't even think that I was a mom and my daughter needed me. It went so far that I didn't even went out of bed!


A new shock came! A week later I started to feel sick and I quickly realized that I was pregnant again. This did not help and I ended up pretty soon in a coma. Mom had to call the hospital and I was admitted to a hospital ward. The doctors talked about depression, but for me it was more than that.


"Please, darling!" I heard Mom say. "You need to sharpen your mind and do something about your life and take care of Lilly!"
I didn't listen. Both she and dad came to visit me every day, but instead of receiving their love I pushed them away.


I was surprised when Louis came into my room one day. He sat down on a chair and looked at me with tired eyes. At first he seemed to think I couldn't hear him, but eventually he began to talk.
"Niall are really bad!" he said and swallowed. "He's with me now, in my house, and he's about the same state as you, though he's moving around!"
I avoided Louis, and he continued.
"Please, you can't do this Tess! You two fit together and I don't understand why you throw away his love? He does everything for you and he hasn't done anything wrong!"


I knew I what I did was wrong and I knew that I ought to put me up, yet I was still there on my back. One week turned into two weeks, and finally I had been stable for a month. There were staff who helped me to shower and other stuff, but I myself didn't do anything. I just felt my stomach began to grow, and that life was created there. Did I care about the baby in my belly? Well, a little, but not in the same way as when I was pregnant with Lilly. This time I didn't care and I could remove it without feeling guilty. I was empty on that kind of emotion.


"We can't give her medication!" said the doctor. "She's pregnant and everything we give her, the child will receive in itself!"
They talked over me and didn't care if I was listening or not. I heard mom's voice.
"But what shall we do?"
The doctor sighed
"Either let the child stay and wait eight months to give her treatment, or we shall have an abortion and treat her now!"
Mom cried.
"But I can't choose for her, it isn't my baby in her belly and I don't know if she wants to keep it!"


Slowly I disappeared into a fog where I couldn't even imagine something in my head. I realized that the doctors had made ​​the choice to remove the child, or I thought it anyway. I didn't care for the moment, and was just trying to breathe. It was the only thing I was good at!

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