The easy way out

As it was, I had just done it...
Taken the easy way out.

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1. Taking the easy way out...

Life slipped away from me…

Out of my cold bare hands…

 

And I was aware of it.

I SAW it.

 

The shadow of what I had become, standing there in front of me, judging me.

Making me feel like a little child, that had done something wrong.

Making me wish I hadn’t done it… That…

Fucking everything up and taking the easy way out.

As I had always done it… Doing everything the easy way…

 

Was it my tears I could feel?

Running down my pale face…

Somewhat burning, as punishment.

 

Yearh.

I needed to be punished.

 

Punished,

As the unmanageable child,

As the irresponsible adult,

That both, were sides of me.

 

The warmth had left me, and I could feel the cold.

Cold, that described what I had in store when also the light would leave me.

When it was over…

When I was over…

 

Was it wrong of me to regret? And as a child, wishing to change my mind?

Even knowing, that no matter what regret I might have at this point, couldn’t change nothing.

 

I couldn’t change the fact I hadn’t taken act when she needed me.

I couldn’t change the fact that I hadn’t been there.

I couldn’t change my words or my actions.

I couldn’t be, the one SHE needed.

 

“So why even be here?” I had thought.

A summery of my life, all happening in one act, where I should have tried to be the one I wanted to be.

Not the one I was.

Failing at this, had lost me everything… and now… my life…

But… You see…

Really, I didn’t wish to die.

 

Coward or not, I didn’t want to leave this world…

I didn’t want to feel this cold,

Having the sounds around me disappear,

Or wait for light to leave me too…

 

I wanted warmth, and sound and light.

I wanted to change who I had been, and be the one I should have been.

I wanted to be with her…

I wanted for her to wish me beside her.

 

Coming to terms with this, kinda made me smile.

Perhaps I was able to change.

Maybe, just maybe, I was able to love.

 

And, If I was able to love, I couldn’t have been that bad a person right?

 

So even when light was leaving me now, passing me on to the darkness,

I wasn’t scared. I was in regret, yes, and I so wished I hadn’t done this…

But knowing I could have change, just trying a little harder? Knowing that I WAS able to love…

It made me feel so happy.

 

Even in death… You could somehow be happy…

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