The Crossed Pathways to Home

Lucy's world is fading. Sad, alone, her grandmother dying, the rest of the world hating her, what's to look forward to?
But when a mysterious blonde haired boy turns up...


18. Chapter 18

~~I woke up and winced in pain, and looked at my severed wrist and massacred thigh.
I was never going to have white and blue wrists again. My thigh would never be smooth either.
"I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself." Why can't I deal with anything like an average person?
I rubbed my head. I was so ashamed. I let myself belief the feminine, soothing voice, who of which, was not speaking now. Neither were the other monsters. They hadn't killed me, but they had done the next best thing. Their job was finished, and my head was left hallow, empty, silenced. For the minute, anyway.
My self harm was a relief at first. I had longed for it, and cutting my wrist and my thigh gave me some form of a high. It released the pain and stress, calmed me down.
But now the panic was already flooding back, and the blood on my bedsheets, the pillows, the fresh new scars only made everything worse.
I got gingerly dressed, and looked at myself with disgust in the mirror.
"Happy now?" I angrily asked my reflection. "Grandma can see this!"
And my shoulders drooped at the realization of what I had just said.
"Grandma can see this you stupid bitch."
Stupid bitch!, a small, almost inaudible voice sang.
"You've done ENOUGH!" I screamed.
Silence again.
Tears bucketed down my face, and I looked miserably back up to my reflection.
"She can see this, but you didn't stop to think about that, did you? It's all about you, isn't it?"
And I receded back into my bloodbath of a bed, knowing I wouldn't be able to look at Finbarr.

A knock came on my door.
"Go away Peggy" I said from under my blankets, exasperated. Then I heard the door open, and I sighed. I couldn't really care less if she found out about my self harm any more. What would she care? What would anyone care?
"What do you want, Peggy?" I asked.
No reply.
Instead, someone sat on the bed, and gently pulled the covers off my face.
"Hey babe." I couldn't look at him. I wonder if any of my blood was on show yet?
He put his warm hand on my shoulder.
"Lucy, what's wrong?"
I didn't deserve him, not at all.
I couldn't answer him, shaking with sobbing.
"Lucy, what happened?" he asked, his voice dripping with worry.
I didn't care whether I deserved him or not, I wasn't going to be lonely. Not again, not like last time.
I wrapped my arms around his chest, and he hugged me hard.
"Finbarr, I'm sorry! So, so sorry." He would have inevitably seen the blood by now, but still asked,
"Baby, what?" I couldn't explain this. Not properly.
I pulled away from him, shaking, tears freely flowing down my face. I pulled up my tracksuit bottom leg and my sleeve, showing him my freshly carved cuts and scars.
He looked at them, devastated.
"Oh, Lucy" he breathed. He bit his lip and pulled me into him again.
"I couldn't cope" I wept into his chest. "The peace, Grandma, Austin threatened everyone"
"Austin threatened you?" he quietly interrupted.
"He attacked me outside the forest yesterday, told me not to listen to the ring or he'd kill everyone. I'm sorry Finbarr, please forgive me" I cried.
He hugged me hard again and kissed my hair.
"It's O.K" he whispered.
"No, it's not O.K! I should be able to cope by now" I angrily sniffed.
He paused.
"Why'd you cut yourself though? You've scarred yourself again."
I didn't want to tell him about the voices. I didn't want him to think that I was crazy.
"I was on a verge of a panic attack. It was away to get away from everything, calm myself down. I'm so sorry..."
"Babe, we're a team now, yeah? I can help you with your problems. Please" he said, his voice dangerously quivering. "Please, don't ever harm yourself again." He pulled down my trouser leg.
"I promise" I said weakly.
Liar, liar!
So soft, yet I could hear them so well.
I knew my voice didn't come across as genuine.
I cringed, feeling tears drop onto my temple.
After a small silence, he said,
"Give me what you cut yourself with."
"Finbarr, you don't want to see it."
"Give it to me now" he said with authority.
I reluctantly loosened myself from his grip, and took the scissors from my bedside drawer.
He could barely look at it as I handed it to him.
It was full of my dried, congealed blood from last night. You could honestly belive that it was a murder weapon.
"I have to take this, but..." He tugged at his sleeve.
"Finbarr...Finbarr, what are you doing?" I anxiously asked.
And he started to give himself a cut on his wrist. His face twisted in pain.
"Finbarr, no!" I sobbed. I couldn't grab his hands away, I could cause him to sever something important.
After about three agonizing cuts, he put the scissors away into his pocket and looked at his wrist, his face telling me that it was still stinging. He didn't like it, and I guess that was good.
Look at what you made him do, came the extremely tiny voices.
"What did you do that for?!" I wept.
"This is the only way I can show you how it effects me" he said, tears pouring down his cheeks.
"The pain it causes. And these are only three cuts."
"But they could scar, and I'll always know that I did that to you!" I was uncontrollably crying.
"And I'll always see your scars and know I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't help you" he said miserably.
"But you are the best, and you do help me!" I insisted.
"So why did you cut yourself then?" he asked sadly, but his voice was  mildly tinged with annoyance.
"I missed cutting myself" I quietly admitted.
"How can you miss it?" he shakily asked.
"Because when I do it, it's not as painful as you experience it. It releases the emotional pain" I desperately tried to explain.
"It's like an addiction, and..." I stopped. I couldn't tell him about the voices.
"And what?" he prodded.
"It doesn't matter." My voice had gone very small.
"Lucy, tell me!" His jaw clenched, the tears still flowing, his voice catching with crying.
I couldn't lie.
"Voices" I whispered.
"Voices?" he frowned.
I gulped.
"I get...I get these voices in my head sometimes" I confessed. "I'm not crazy. It happens to people who self-harm sometimes. They put me down, make me paranoid, tell me to kill myself. There was only one last night. She convinced me to cut myself, said I deserved to have fun, that I deserved to calm myself. I let myself believe her" I said wryly, still crying.
"Lucy, how do you live like this?" he softly asked, blood trickling down his hand and wrist.
"Because I can cope with you" I honestly told him. I felt a shadow of a smile appear on my face.
"If you ever hear a voice, you must tell me, and I'll tell them to go away."
He's lying, came the faint whisper of voices, the motherly voice gone, probably in the swarm of monsters.
He won't.
"They're saying you won't" I said shakily.
He grabbed me in a hug.
"I will, I promise" he said earnestly. "Go away you stupid voices, I'll help Lucy through everything, whether you like it or not!"
He nuzzled his head into my neck, and my stomach twisted in guilt, but I couldn't help but feel relived.
I should've just told him all this in the first place.
"Thank you... And I'm sorry. It was a slip-up, I swear. It'll never happen again, I promise." And my voice was filled with sincerity this time. "I love you too much to ever hurt you again. I'm so sorry."
He lifted up his head and rested his forehead against mine, and made an attempt at a smile.
"I love you too" he said softly. He placed his lips, wet with tears, on mine, giving me a salty kiss.
"I promise, never again" I repeated.
"Good enough for me" he said shakily.
And I buried myself into his body, knowing all too well I had the most caring and understanding boyfriend in the whole world.
Finbarr was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I was determined not to mess this up.


Again, if any of you ever want to talk, tweet me @Jepicness4evr and I'll DM you or kik me at Jepicness4evr

And thanks for all the reads and likes and comments ♥

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