Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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32. When I Look At You

Harry’s POV

“2 minutes, Harry,” one of my managers say.

“Yeah, yeah, I just have to make a quick phone call.”

Me and the rest of the lads just had a break during one of our photoshoots for a magazine here in Paris. I had two minutes left before we had to go back but I had just seen the text from Lily saying that she wanted me to call her.

I quickly call her and wait for her to answer.

“Hey.”

Hearing her voice instantly makes a smile spread onto my face.

“Hey, Lily. How are you? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just miss you. I just can’t stop realizing that I’d be with you in Paris right now.”

I remember how upset I was when Lily told me this morning that she couldn’t make it to Paris anymore. I was so excited. I had everything planned out and now, it’s all gone to waste. But she said she had a family emergency, I couldn’t be upset with her about it.

“I miss you, too. I wish you were here.”

“So, what’re you up to? Are you still working?”

“Yeah, we still have a couple more interviews but we have a break right now. How about you?”

She silent and I’m about to ask her if she was still on the line when I heard a faint knocking on her line.

“Lily, are you ready?”

That’s a guy’s voice.

And what was he asking about? Ready for what?

 “Who’s that?” I try to hide the suspicion in my voice.

“Um…it’s…it’s my cousin. Sorry, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Before I can respond, I hear a click and the line goes dead. I’m about to text her asking her text me when she’s free so I can ask her more about where she is but someone calls for me.

“Harry, we have to go.”

I turn around and see my manager waiting at the doorway for me. He seems impatient so I put my phone in my bag and follow him back to the photoshoot.

The entire time that I’m standing in front of the camera with the rest of the last with the flashes going off like crazy, I can’t stop thinking about Lily and that phone call.

That guy’s voice keeps playing over and over in my head. I’m trying to place it but I come up with nothing. Maybe it is just her cousin. I mean, it’s a family emergency so maybe it’s true. But she seemed so weird about it. Right after her cousin spoke, she told me that she had to go even though she texted me asking me to call her and talk to her. She didn’t even say goodbye, she just hung up.

“Harry! Pay attention!”

I snap out of my thoughts and look up to see everyone looking at me. I look over at my manager, who had been the one that said my name. He look agitated but he always does.

I clear my throat. “Sorry.”

The photographer gives me an understanding smile. “We just need a few more shots and you’re free to go.”

I nod and we take the shots. When we’re done, me and the lads pile into the car and head over to our next interview.

“You alright, man?” Zayn asks.

I look over at him and nod. “Yeah. Just a lot on my mind.”

“Sorry Lily couldn’t make it.”

I just nod in response. Zayn had found out from Perrie that Lily couldn’t make it anymore. Perrie just arrived in Paris and she’s going to meet us at our next interview. It sucks knowing that I’d be seeing Lily soon if she was able to make it.

I sigh in slight frustration. I just wanted to spend time with her here in Paris. I feel like it would have been great for the two of us. I would have been able to show her just how much I care for her. She would’ve been able to finally visit Paris, something she has always wanted to do. We could’ve let the romance found all throughout Paris and let it set the atmosphere for when I show her how much I love spending time with her, how much I like being in her presence, how deep I’ve fallen in love with her.

I just close my eyes and attempt to think about anything but what could have been until we arrive at our next interview. We enter the building and are immediately led to hair and makeup. We see Perrie and she immediately stands up from the couch and walks to Zayn to give him a hug.

I have to look away from the happy and loving looks that they’re giving each other, my heart straining in my chest thinking that I could’ve been doing the same thing with Lily right this second. I sit down in the makeup chair and sit in silence.

I just let Lou do her job and when she’s finished, I get off to let Niall take his turn. I go to sit on the couch beside Perrie.

“Hey, Harry. Sorry Lily couldn’t make it. She was really upset that she couldn’t come.”

I give her a small smile. “It’s okay. We talked about it.” I pause, contemplating whether I should ask her about it. Wouldn’t hurt to ask. “Did…did she talk to you about it?”

Her eyebrows scrunch in confusion. “About what?”

“About why she couldn’t make it.”

Her confused gaze turns into wariness and it makes my heart skip a beat. She looks away from my gaze. “Oh, um…no, she didn’t say much about it other than that she couldn’t make it anymore.”

I watch Perrie as she continues to look anywhere but at me.

She seems nervous.

But why wouldn’t Lily tell her that she had a family emergency. I know that they’re good friends now so I assumed that Lily would tell her, especially since the two of them were supposed to fly to Paris together.

“Really? Nothing at all?”

She starts playing with her fingernails and she shakes her head. “Nope. I’m sure she had a good reason. She was really excited to come here.”

She finally looks up at me but she still looks nervous.

“Yeah, she called me and told me that she was.”

Her eyes widen. “Oh, she talked to you about it? What did she say?”

Weird. Why was Perrie surprised that Lily had talked to me about it?

“She said she had a family emergency.” I watch for her reaction but I get nothing. “She didn’t tell you?”

She shakes her head. “No. I mean, I was rushing to the airport when she called me so I guess she didn’t have time to tell me about it.”

I just nod, my head being too overwhelmed with the conversation. Zayn calls Perrie and she excuses herself, leaving me alone on the couch.

I remember that I had planned to text Lily after our phone conversation so I look through my bag for my phone. When I find it, I turn it on, seeing a text from Lily. I open the text and, like everything else that Lily does, it causes a smile to appear on my face.

*Thank you for talking to me <3 I miss you xx*

No matter what’s happening, no matter what crazy thoughts and ideas are brewing in my head, Lily always finds a way to make me smile.

I immediately throw away all of the ideas I had in my head and quickly type a reply.

*Any time. I miss you more. I’ll call you when I’m free :) xx*

**

Lily’s POV

I take a deep breath as I enter the funeral home. I walk behind Marcus until we walk through a pair of doors. Marcus stops in front of a casket and I take another deep breath before I take a step to the side. My heart shatters when I see Marcus’ mum’s frail but peaceful body laying in the casket. Tears flow down my face and I have to close my eyes and hang my head down. I feel a warm hand gently take mine and I hold onto it tightly, knowing that it was Marcus.

For the next two hours, I stay by Marcus’ side while he accepts condolences from numerous people. I don’t know any of them, except for the handful of family members that I met at their parties. I’m surprised to see a couple of our friends from college pay their condolences.

Marcus’ hand stays clasps with mine until the priest comes and recites some prayers while they close the casket. I rub Marcus’ arm while he starts to sob. This is the last time that he sees his mother’s face, it’s a lot to handle for one person.

We drive to the church for the ceremony and before Marcus could walk inside, I stop him.

His eyes are red and puffy and he’s just resonating sadness all over his face.

I clear my throat. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to play a song for you and for your mum. I totally understand if you don’t want that.”

I wait hesitantly for his response. A smile appears on his face and he nods. “That would be lovely. I’m sure my mum will love it.”

I smile and follow him inside the church. We take our seats in the front pews and the ceremony starts. The priest leads us through the ceremony and when he’s finished, he asks Marcus’ father to come up and say a few words.

I cry throughout his speech, there are enough words of love and light that I smile at the same time. And then it’s Marcus’ turn. He goes up and he’s already tearing up. He takes a few seconds to compose himself before he finally expresses his words of love and beautiful memories he shared with his mum.

I knew Marcus well but even someone who didn’t know him at all could see how much he cared about and loved his mum. You can see it and hear it throughout his speech. It was beautiful.

“We have one more person that would like to express her condolences to my mum. Lily has a song that she would like to play for her.” He nods at me and I take a deep breath before I stand up and make my way up to the guitar resting on a stand off to the side of the church. Marcus and his father give me a smile before I take a seat on the chair.

I take the guitar in my hands and run my fingers along the strings as I remember everything that Harry taught me during our lessons about my stage fright.

I focus on the guitar and the song that I made for Marcus and his mum. I look up and Marcus gives me an encouraging smile before I look back down at the guitar and start playing. I can hear the sounds resonating throughout the entire church and I take the feeling it’s giving me to help me push through my nervousness.

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights are long

“'Cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy

“Yeah when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

“When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I, I, I look at you

“When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon

“Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

“Yeah when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

“When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I, I, I look at you

“You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need
Every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful?

“Yeah, yeah, yeah

“When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I, I, I look at you

“I look at you
Yeah, whoa-oh,
You appear just like a dream to me
.”

Everyone gives me a light applause as I stand up and give them a smile. I put the guitar back and make my way back to my seat beside Marcus.

The priest goes up and continues to ceremony. Marcus takes my hand and I look up at him. He’s smiling down at me.

“Thank you, Lily. That was beautiful.”

I smile back. “You’re welcome.”

We focus our attention back to the priest until it finishes. Marcus, his father, along with four other men walk up to the casket and they take it and walk it out of the church and into the hearse.

We drive to the cemetery and I stand by Marcus and his father as the casket is placed in its spot. I place a rose on top of the casket and place my hand on it. I take my spot again beside Marcus as a few other people place roses on top of the casket. When the priest recites one last prayer, the casket is brought down.

Marcus pinches his fingers into the inner corners of his eyes as he cries. I comfort him but it’s hard to when I’m crying myself.

The dirt is now being placed inside the hole and the crowd starts to disperse. Marcus’ father invited close family back to his home for dinner so they start heading there.

“Dad, me and Lily are just going to go for a walk. We’ll be home soon,” Marcus says to his father.

“Alright, son.” He gives him a hug. “I’ll just get a ride with Uncle Bill, you can take the car.” He hands him the keys before he turns around and makes his way to the cars.

“Do you mind going for a little walk? I just need some quiet time.”

“No, of course not.” I give him a warm smile before we walk side by side in silence. We walk along the sidewalk until we reach a park. Marcus leans against a tree and I stand beside him.

“This is harder than I thought,” he finally says.

I turn to stand in front of him and take his hand. “I know, Marcus. Don’t worry, I’m here for you. Your dad will always be there for you. It’ll be easier eventually.”

He just nods. I take my take back and put it inside the pockets of my jacket.

“Thank you again for that song. It was beautiful.”

We exchange smiles. “You’re welcome. Once I found out that your mum was getting worse, I wanted to write about it. Especially about your relationship with her.”

“I loved it. I’m sure my mum heard it and she loved it, too.”

My smile widens at his words before I open my arms and invite him for a hug. He pushes himself off of the tree and wraps his arms around me. He leans his head back to look at me.

“Thank you for coming here. I don’t know how I would’ve been able to do this without you.”

“No worries. It was great to see you and your dad again.”

“Yeah, you too.”

I smile up at him before I lean up and place a kiss on his cheek. I pull away we head back to the car.

The entire walk to the car and on the way back to his house, I find myself thinking about Harry.

After going through the funeral, I realized how the people you care about can be taken away from you any second. Sometimes, you don’t have a chance to say goodbye or say your last ‘I love you’s’. It made me realize that you should never take things for granted. You should never take people in your life for granted.

It made me think about what would happen if I never saw Harry again, if I never got to say goodbye.

And the fact that I was able to play in front of everyone at the church, I realized that it was all because of Harry. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.

He’s done so much for me.

And I realized one more thing while being here and away from Harry.

Something that I was scared to admit to myself. Something that I knew was bound to happen eventually. Something that I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop even if I tried. Something I was scared of but longed to feel with Harry.

I love him.

 

*************

 

All rights go to Miley Cyrus for the song in this chapter!

Sooo anyways, this chapter was so sad and so happy at the same time.

And AHHHH she loves Harry!

Let me know what you think! And please vote as well :)

Thanks for reading!

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