Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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138. What If

Lily's POV

"Harry, it's okay."

I stop Harry, pulling on his wrist and tug him towards me. He was about to go to the ticket booth at the Eye to basically pay them to have a pod all to ourselves. But I didn't want to kick everyone out.

With the Christmas holidays coming up, there are a lot more people than usual. We were lucky the other times where we were able to have a pod for just the two of us but I didn't want Harry to pay more for it.

"Are you sure? It's honestly no problem with me."

He brushes my hand with his thumb and takes a step closer to me.

I shoot him a smile and nod. "It's more than okay. Just as long as you're there."

He sighs in defeat and I know that he wanted to do anything to get us alone on the Eye. It's not like I don't want that. I just didn't want him to have to go out of his way and spend his money on it.

He finally nods before he tugs me towards the slowly filling pod. He helps me inside and we make our way to the railing on the one corner. He makes me stand in front of him and he stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me and resting them on the railing. I rest my arms on top of his and lean my head back on his chest.

We just stand there in silence while the voice over the speakers talks about what to expect from the ride and soon enough, we start moving.

We had walked around the park for a bit before we decided to go on here to wait for the stars to come out. There's just something about being on here during the night. Harry and I have always gone on here in the nighttime and I don't plan on doing it any differently.

"Hey, Harry?"

He hums in response. "Hm?"

"Since I saved a bit of money with the gifts, can I use a bit of it to spend for yours?"

"Absolutely not," he says, mocking my tone from earlier at the mall.

I turn my head to look at him and pout and he reacts with a smile and a roll of his eyes.

"But I promise you'll really like it," I lie. I still have no idea what I'm going to get him but I'd like the idea more knowing that he won't be upset that I spend a bit more money on him.

"Nope."

"What if I wanted to buy you two presents? One thoughtful one and one from Victoria's Secret?" Again, I'm lying. I just need him to agree to my idea.

He smirks as he looks back at me. "Well, I wouldn't mind that. But still no."

I huff in annoyance. "Just think of me wearing it and then you getting to unwrap me from it. Think of me as the actual gift."

I can see his stare getting more intense, his smirk faltering slightly.

He gulps and shakes his head in jerks. "You wouldn't even be wearing it for two seconds before I would unwrap it from you. So there's no point it buying it."

He's being stubborn but him and I both know who's more stubborn.

"Well, I would also use it for when you're away. I could send you pictures in it. Or we could video chat while I'm wearing it."

His grip around me tightens and I can feel his chest moving much more deeply.

"You're trying to kill me," he grumbles.

I give him a sweet smile and bat my eyelashes.

"But still no," he adds. "What's my mum going to think when she sees me opening that on Christmas?"

I roll my eyes. "You obviously won't be opening it in front of everyone. But fine, I won't buy Victoria's Secret. Maybe I'll save that for your birthday."

He raises his eyebrows at me and I just give him an innocent smile.

"But I really do want to get you something special," I say.

"I thought we established that we wouldn't spend too much money on each other."

"I know, but--"

"The only thing I will be okay with you spending a lot of money on is if you bought me a clone of yourself so I'd have two of you."

I laugh. "Harry, I'm being serious."

"So am I."

I close my eyes and groan. "Harry," I whine. "Do you even realize how much you've spent on me since we've been together compared to what I've spent on you? How about all of those things you bought me while you were in South America?"

"Baby, you know I didn't spend that much on those things. Half of those things were things of mine that I wanted you to have."

He's right but he still bought me so much other stuff and paid for so many of my things, including all of the things I bought for the flat when El and I moved in.

"You still bought stuff for me."

"Yes, I bought you those things but not because I wanted things in return. I bought you those things because I knew you'd like them and because I wanted to do something nice."

"But I want to spend a little more money on your Christmas gift because I want to make sure you like it and because I want to do something nice."

"Lily--"

"Ugh, forget it." I turn away, looking out at the view.

I understand what Harry's trying say but it's still frustrating that he won't let me spend my own money on him. I want to get him something really nice and I know that he'll be upset if he opens that gift on Christmas and realizes that I spent a lot of money on it.

I hear Harry sigh. "It better be a damn good present."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion for a good two seconds before I gasp and turn swiftly in my spot, facing him.

"Really?" I ask.

His eyes soften and I watch them dart down to my lips, which are now spread into a wide smile.

"Yes, really."

I squeal as I wrap my arms around him, holding him tight.

"Thank you, Harry. I promise, you're going to love it."

"More than I'll love a Lily clone?"

I laugh as I pull away to look at him. "A lot more."

He hums and pulls me closer, his face inches from mine. "I hate how I can never say 'no' to you."

I giggle softly, feeling Harry's hands sliding slowly along my back. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," he mumbles.

My smile widens. "Yeah, not really."

He grins and shakes his head before leaning in a placing his lips on mine.

"You're going to kill me one day because of that," he mumbles against my lips, kissing me once again as he pulls me closer.

We pull away and our eyes linger for a moment longer before I turn around again to face out towards the view, Harry's arms tightening around me once again.

I can feel him leave gentle kisses on my head as we look out at the view and I want nothing more than for us to have the pod to ourselves so I could kiss him back. 

"Do you remember the first time I took you on here?"

I smile as his question instantly gives me flashbacks of that night, the night that changed everything between us.

"Of course I do. It was one of my favourite nights I've ever had. It still is."

I feel him press his lips against the side of my head as he presses himself more against me.

"After that night, I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay away from you," he says softly. "Even with Ed's warning, I knew I wouldn't be able to, no matter what I did. I still have no idea how you had such an affect on me in just one night. It wasn't just spending time with you on here. It was also when we had walked across the bridge and you had told me about the moon. I can't even imagine what would've happened to us if I hadn't agreed to taking you on here."

My imagination goes wild. I can't imagine it, either. I hate even thinking about the chance of Harry and I not being together. I can't imagine knowing that I would've missed out on being with the most amazing person in the world.

"We'll never know," I say. "But I'd like to think that we still would've found our way to each other. I mean, we did spend the entire summer in the same city. We were bound to hang out no matter what we did. And the fact that Ed is both of our closest friend, we definitely wouldn't have been able to avoid it."

He chuckles behind me and gives me another kiss on my head.

"God, I can't even think about the possibility of us not meeting. You know, I almost couldn't make it to Ed's the night that you arrived here in London."

I have no idea why but I feel my heart plummet in my chest as I think about that fact. If Harry hadn't been there that night, who knows what would've happened?

"Why?"

"This is going to make me look really bad but I was kind of lazy to go out that night but Ed and Lou convinced me to go."

I roll my eyes with a smile. "So you're saying that your laziness might've been the reason that we didn't meet?"

He groans and buries his face into my neck. "I know. I'm sorry. But, like you said, I think we still would've met eventually."

I turn my head to face him as he rests his chin on my shoulder. "Oh yeah? And how do you think that would've been like?"

He puckers his lips in thought. "Well, if we think about it, the next time we would've definitely seen each other for the first time would've been your girls night that the lads and I had crashed."

I laugh softly, just looking at him and his slightly rosy cheeks and nose.

"The boys would've definitely forced me to go so I definitely would've seen you that night. And just seeing you right then right there, you would've already had me drawn to you."

"Is that right?" I smile in adoration.

"Mhm. I would've bought you a drink and then I'd use my charm to get at least one dance with you. However, if we hadn't met like we did, then that means that I wouldn't have been able to kiss you that night like I did."

I playfully roll my eyes.

"Well," he continues. "I still would've wanted to but I'm sure you would've slapped me."

I laugh, throwing my head back. "I definitely would have."

"I'm kidding. I'm a gentleman. I wouldn't have done that to you. But...I knew that I wouldn't have been able to take my mind off of you so I probably would've asked for your number. Or I might've been to nervous to, because, you know, you intimidated me in the beginning."

I laugh with him, my eyes darting down to his lips as he does.

"I would've been so scared to ask you so I probably would've asked El for your number."

I grin at him and raise my eyebrows. "And what makes you think that I would've replied to you?"

He returns my grin, challenging me. "Because you wouldn't have been able to resist my charm."

I laugh as I lightly bump him. "You're sure about that?"

"Of course. I know how much you like my dimples."

"Okay, you're right about that. Well, if you were being the gentleman that I know you are, I'm sure that I wouldn't have been able to take my mind off of you that night, either."

He gives me a soft smile, his eyes darting down to my lips before moving back up. "I guess what we're both trying to say that is that...fate would've brought us together, no matter what we did that summer."

I can feel warmth spread throughout my entire body and my heart swelling in my chest. I lean forward and place a gentle kiss on his lips.

"It definitely would have."

We pull away, our eyes lingering before I look out the window and see that we're at the top. No matter how many times I see this view, it never ceases to amaze me. And the fact that Harry has been with me every single time, I couldn't have asked for anything better.

"It's scary to think that if one thing had been different before I came here, both of our lives would've been so much different," I suddenly say. "What if I hadn't decided to visit Ed? And I mean this in the most hypothetical way but what if Marcus hadn't cheated on me? What if I hadn't stood up for Ed at the monkey bars 15 years ago? If any of those things didn't happen...I wouldn't have met you."

He slowly clasps his fingers through mine, pulling me closer to him. But it's exactly what I need from him right now. Talking about these things is definitely unsettling. I can't even think about the even small chance that we wouldn't have met.

"I know it's not hard to think about things like that but what's important to know is that everything happens for a reason," he replies. "You were meant to stand up for Ed at the monkey bars 15 years ago and because of him, we were meant to meet. You were meant to fall in love with Marcus. And I don't mean this in a spiteful way but you were meant to have your heart broken by him. You were meant to learn to the true meaning of love and that may have meant that you learned to be more careful with who you give it to. You were meant to visit Ed in the summer and we were meant to meet the way we did. Who knows, even if you hadn't met Ed, maybe we still would've found our way to each other."

I smile at his optimism. Harry always looks on the bright side, no matter the situation. It's one of the things I love about him.

"And how do you think that would've happened?" I ask in amused wonder.

He chuckles slightly. "Hm, well, I think my life would've still been the same but if you hadn't met Ed, then that means we would've had to have met on the street or even at my concert."

"Well, to be honest, I only started listening to your music because of Ed after he wrote those songs for you. But I think I still would've gotten myself into it. Definitely for your third album. That was my favourite."

"Exactly," he laughs. "So you would've gone to one of our concerts and you still would have caught my eye, even if you were all the way on the other side of the arena."

I laugh with him, shaking my head in amusement.

"I would've invited you backstage and...the rest is history."

I laugh harder as I turn my head to face him. "Oh, it would've been that easy, huh? A superstar inviting a ordinary fan backstage and it turns into a love story."

He raises his eyebrows and nods his head in a matter-of-fact way. "Of course. But you still would've intimidated the hell out of me. I know I'd still have to work my ass off to win your heart, even if I'm a superstar and you were an extraordinary, beautiful fan."

I playfully roll my eyes as I feel a blush crawling up my cheeks. "You do know how to charm your way through anything, huh?"

He grins at me and then shoots me a wink. "Only for people who I'd like to charm over. So...only you."

I roll my eyes again and sigh. I turn in his arms and wrap one of mine around his waist, pulling him so we're face-to-face.

He snakes his arms around my waist, tugging me closer so we're pressed against each other.

There was one more "what if" scenario that's been swimming around in my head and I think it's the most important one.

I keep my gaze on his, everyone else in this pod completely disappearing around us. It was just the two of us.

"You know, if I hadn't met you," I start. "I would've still been the insecure girl who was afraid to share her love for music, the girl that was afraid to love."

I can see his whole face softening, his eyes blinking slowly as he keeps his eyes focused on mine.

"You found me," I say softly. "And you turned me into the best person I could be. I feel like the person I am now has always been inside me but it needed one person to bring it out. It needed that one person that would go through hell and back to do anything for me."

I swallow harshly, feeling a lump forming in my throat.

"It's all because of you, Harry. It's because of you that I'm the happiest I've ever been. You've gone through so much for me, things that I thought would somehow make you realize that I wasn't worth your time anymore. But you always came back. You were always there. And I will never take that for granted."

I didn't want to get emotional in front of everyone. Now, I wish that Harry had paid to have a pod to ourselves.

Harry reaches up and rests his hand on my cheek, gently brushing it with his thumb.

"I would do anything for you. I would risk mylife for you. I will always come back to you. I will always be there for you."    

*********************

Happy birthday to the always wonderful Louis William Tomlinson! And merry Christmas Eve to everyone! :)

Please vote and comment. I thought I'd try not saying how many votes and comments I'd want before I post another chapter but now people aren't doing it. I'm not trying to be annoying about it but I really do appreciate it when you guys do.

Anyways, thanks for reading :) I will try to have the next chapter by this weekend.

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