Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


22. What I Want

Lily’s POV

One week later

“Do you have to go?” I pout at Ed as he finishes packing. He found out two days ago that he had to go to LA to record some songs in the studio and that he’d be there for a week. He’s leaving today.

“I do. I’m really sorry, Lily. I know I said that I wouldn’t be working too much this summer but these were last minute plans. They want me to finish this album soon so that I can go on tour.”

I sigh. “I know. It’s okay, I understand. I’m just gonna miss you, that’s all.”

He stands up and looks over at me. “I’m going to miss you, too. But I’m sure that you won’t miss me too much with the girls here.”

I just smile at him and nod.

“So, what’s going on between you and Harry?”

I tense and I look at him with wide eyes. Just as he looks back at me, I compose myself.

“Um. What do you mean?” I ask.

He turns his focus back on his suitcase and shrugs.

“Nothing. I’ve just been wondering why you two don’t spend as much time together as much as before. You used to spend almost every day together and now you guys hardly do.”

“Oh.” I pause, hoping that he’ll leave the topic but he looks over at me, waiting for an answer.

“He’s just been busy with work.”

His eyebrows scrunch together. “Really? Cause I’ve been chilling with him lately.”


Of course they’ve been hanging out. They’re best friends.

“And he’s been asking about you.”

I snap my head towards him, my heart skipping at beat.

He’s been asking about me? Why? He’s been ignoring me since he broke up with me. When the group would hang out, he would always be as far away from me as possible. I would try to build up the courage to go over to him to talk to him but I would always chicken out. The fact that he’s going out of his way to stay away from me is enough to make me scared to talk to him.

But it also upsets me.

“Oh yeah?” I say, trying to play it cool. “What’d you tell him?”

He’s back to focusing on packing. Luckily, he doesn’t seem suspicious about why Harry would be asking about me.

“I told him you were fine. But I’ve been noticing too that you’ve been a bit down lately. Is something wrong? Is it Marcus?”

I tense again.

“Oh. Um, no. Nothing’s wrong.”

“And what about Marcus?” There’s an edge to his voice.

“What about him?” I ask, sounding a bit defensive.

I know that he doesn’t know anything about what’s going on with Marcus and his mom so I can’t really blame him for how he feels towards him right now.

“Harry told me that you two have been in touch again.”


How did Harry know?


“Are you?” Ed interrupts my thoughts.

“Um…yeah. He was just calling to ask if he could have some of his stuff back. I told him that he can pick it up when I go back.”

I had to lie to him. I can’t tell him about Marcus’ mom. At least, not yet. It wasn’t my place to tell him about it.

Ed looks at me for a couple of seconds before he seems to believe my lie and turns around.

I breathe a sigh of relief but then my thoughts are brought back to Harry.

How did he know that I’ve been talking to Marcus? Did Perrie or Eleanor tell him? Did they tell Louis or Zayn and they told Harry?

No, I don’t think they would do that. They promised me and I trust them.

I had to figure this out.

“Um…I’m gonna go and get ready for tonight. I’ll just be in my room,” I say absentmindedly.

Ed just nods before I turn around and head to my room. It’s Eleanor’s birthday today and she was having a party at her and Louis’ place. I was ready to spend another night of me and Harry ignoring each other but I knew that I had to say something.

For one, I need to know how he knows that me and Marcus have been talking.

Two, I need to know whether him knowing that has anything to do with why he broke up with me. Harry broke up with me two days after I started talking to Marcus again so I couldn’t help but feel like there’s a connection there.

And three, he’s been asking about me.

You don’t break up with someone and then ask their friend how they’re doing. He’s been ignoring me so it surprised me that Harry was asking Ed about me.

There were definitely some things that needed to be resolved and tonight was the best opportunity.


After a slightly tearful goodbye to Ed when I dropped him off at the airport, I headed over to the party. I go through everything that I had planned to say to Harry multiple times in my head and soon enough, I find myself parked in Eleanor’s driveway.

I take a deep breath before I turn the car off and head out. Eleanor texted me saying that I could just walk in so I went inside and headed to the kitchen to find her.

I find her and I immediately go up to hug her.

“Happy birthday, El!”

“Thanks, babe.”

We pull away and I hand her her gift.

“Aww, thanks, Lily.” She walks over to the table piled with other gifts and places mine with it. “I’ll open these later. Come on, everyone’s outside. Let’s go.” She grabs my hand and leads me out to the backyard.

I see everyone sitting around the tables set up and I go over to the girls to give them a hug. I say hi to the guys and my eyes meet Harry’s as I greet him. He just nods at me before he looks away. Eleanor introduces me to her other friends before we sit down to eat. I’m seated across from Harry and when I sneak glances at him, I see that he would be looking at me. But he would always look away and look down at his food.

When everyone finishes eating, some of us go inside to watch the game and some of us, including the girls, go in the pool to cool down. The rest of us stay at the table, including me and Harry. I was on my period so I couldn’t swim.

I rest my elbow on the table and lean my head on my hand as I start playing with a piece of broccoli on my plate.

“Hey, you alright?”

I look up and meet Harry’s eyes. This is the closest I’ve been looking into his eyes that’s lasted more than one second since we broke up.

I look over my shoulder to see if he was talking to someone else but when I don’t see anyone, I realize that he is, in fact, talking to me.

I look back at him and clear my throat.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Once again, he just nods before he looks away, the short conversation coming to a stop.

I sit up straight, trying to hide my nerves. I take a deep breath, mustering up as much courage as I could before I clear my throat.

“How…how have you been?” I ask.

He looks up at me, his face blank.

“Good.” He pauses. “How about you?”

I’ve been miserable. I miss you.


He gives me a short smile before he, once again, looks down at his food.

“What have you been up to?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Just been working or hanging out.” He looks up at me. “How about you?”

I find myself getting lost in his eyes but I quickly compose myself. “Not much. Just been going out with the girls or Ed.”

An awkward silence falls over us as we stare at each other for a few seconds before Harry breaks eye contact.

I knew I had to say something.

It’s now or never.

“Harry?” He looks back at me. “Can we…can we talk?”

His eyes widen but he composes himself. “Um…sure.”

I look around, seeing that Zayn and his friend, Andy, were sitting a few feet away from us.

“Do you mind if we go for a drive or something?” I ask.

He seems to hesitate for a while but he eventually nods. We both stand up and I go over to Eleanor at the pool and tell her that me and Harry would be back. She seemed to understand what was happening as she smiles at me.

I turn around and head back to a waiting Harry. We go through the gate at the side of the house and we walk up to his car. He opens my door for me and he’s just as shocked as I am at his own action.

I thank him and I hop into the car. He closes it after me before he walks over to his side and gets in.

“Um…where did you want to go?” he asks as he turns on the car.

I shrug. “Doesn’t matter.”

He seems to think for a while before he looks back at me. “Did you want to go to our - I mean, my spot?”

I lock eyes with his at his words. I know he corrected himself but I couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in my stomach at the fact that he almost said “our spot”. It instantly gives me flashbacks of our times spent there. When he took me there for the first time and then for our first date. The image of Harry looking at me on our date fades away and I focus back into the image of him looking at me now.

“I don’t mind.”

He nods before he puts the car into drive and starts driving to our - I mean, his spot.

The car ride remains silent except the radio playing quietly in the background. I fiddle with my fingers as we near our destination and my mind starts to blank as I try to think of what I’m going to talk to Harry about.

I shake my head as we reach the spot. I unbuckle my seatbelt and hop out as Harry does the same. I walk to the ledge and I sit down beside him. We take a couple of minutes to take in the view. By now, the night had come upon us and I look up at the stars shining brightly above us.

I know that I can’t stall any longer so I slowly look over at Harry to see him looking down at the lights coming from all over London.


He looks over at me.

“I wanted to talk to you about something. A few things, actually,” I say.

“I wanted to talk to you about something, as well. But you go first.”

I feel my stomach turn as I nod. I was worried enough about what I had to say, now I’m even more nervous about whatever Harry had to tell me.

I take a deep breath.

“So, first of all, Ed told me that you told him that I’ve been in touch with Marcus.”

He tenses as he looks away.

“How did you know?” I ask.

I wait for his answer.

“I saw him texting you last week when we were over at Niall’s.”

“Did that upset you?”

I know I was being blunt but I had to know and I didn’t want to bother making this conversation even more complicated.

He looks back at me.

“Of course it did. Especially when you went out to call him. I thought that we were supposed to talk that day and then I see you talking to him, so yeah, it upset me.”

He didn’t seem angry, he just seemed, like he said, upset.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I was just scared to talk to you that day. And I was hoping that you would talk to me first but I knew that I should’ve been the one to do that.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why were talking to him?”

I really want to tell him the truth but just like with Ed, I couldn’t.

“He just asked for his things back so I told him that he could pick it up when I go back.”

He looks at me for a few seconds. I grow nervous under his gaze but then he nods.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Marcus.”

That, at least, was the truth. I knew that that was what was bothering him so I wanted to reassure him of the fact that there was nothing going on between me and Marcus.

“Is that why you broke up with me?”

He takes a deep breath.


I sigh. “Harry, you can’t just go and break up with me when you see me talking to another guy. I thought we had the trust conversation already. You have no idea how much it hurt when you broke up with me. It probably hurt more than when Marcus cheated on me. Harry.”

I turn to face him and he looks back at me.

“I told you that I would never cheat on you. I know what that feels like so I would never do that to someone else. I would never do that to you.”

“Shit. I know, I’m sorry.” Guilt washes over him and he looks down at his lap but I move closer to him and cup his cheek, pulling it up so he was looking at me.

“The other thing I wanted to talk to you about…what I wanted to tell you the day that you broke up with me…is that I know what I want and what I want is you, Harry. I don’t know why I was hesitant about us. I was just worried that I was going to get hurt again. I had had a dream the night before our fight. I dreamt that you cheated on me and it freaked me out. I was overwhelmed and scared. But then…I would just think about how happy you made me and it was enough to make me realize that that’s all I need. It’s all I need to rid of my worries because I like being with you, Harry. You make me so happy and you make me feel special. I am never going to question our relationship ever again. I want to be with you, Harry.”

Harry looks deep into my eyes and he responds with a kiss. He leans in with a look for adoration in his eyes before he places his lips on mine. He places a hand around my waist, pulling me closer, while his other hand rests on my cheek. My hand is still on his cheek and my other hand goes to the back of his neck.

I’ve craved his kiss since we broke up and, after being deprived of it for more than a week, it ignites my entire body. I pull him closer and deepen the kiss, not wanting it to end.

“I missed you,” I say against his lips, continuing the kiss.

He pulls away and rests his forehead against mine, both of us trying to catch our breaths.

“I missed you, too. So much. I’m so sorry for what I did.”

“Just don’t do it again.” We lightly chuckle.

“I promise,” he whispers. “Hey, let’s go somewhere more comfortable.” He looks down below us. “And somewhere where we won’t possibly fall to our death.”

I laugh as he stands up and holds out his hand to help me up. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face into the crook of his neck. He hugs my waist and pulls me closer. He rests his head on my shoulder and he kisses it a few times before he pulls away.

I take his hand and lead him back to the car. I open the back door and push him in before hopping in after him. I close the door before I face him. I move as close to him as I can and he places his hand on my cheek, lightly stroking it.

“I missed you so freaking much,” he says.

“I know. Ed told me that you asked about me.”

“I just wanted to know that you were okay.”

“I wasn’t.”

His eyes soften and I can see a hint of guilt still present on his features.

I lean in to place my lips on his, hoping that it’ll wash away the guilt. It seems to work as he deepens the kiss. He places his hands on my waist before he pulls me to straddle his lap. I run my hands through his hair, the kiss heating up. His hands roam around my waist and back and then they go under my top.

I know that we should be taking things slowly but I’m missed him so much. This moment is making up for the almost two weeks that we’ve been apart from each other. That’s two weeks too long and I’m just happy to be in his arms again.

His tongue enters my mouth and I tug on his hair, pulling his head back as I kiss him from above. His fingers dig into my waist and I jump when I feel a vibration from underneath me.

Harry’s phone starts ringing in his pocket that was placed in between our bodies. Without breaking the kiss, I sit up slightly to allow Harry to get his phone. He answers just as I move my lips to his neck, kissing it before I start sucking on the skin.

“H-Hello?” he says breathlessly. I can tell that he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s out of breath. I lean back for a second to look at him and see him biting his lip before I go back to working on his neck.

“Hey, Lou.”

I suck harder on the skin on his neck and I hear him gasp quietly.

“Yeah, we’ll be--” he moans as I bite him, “…back soon.”

Normally, I would be careful since Louis might realize what we were doing but I didn’t really care right now.

“Yeah, see you soon,” he says quickly before he hangs up. He drops his phone on the seat beside us before he leans his head back on the seat, giving me more access to his neck. His arms wrap around my waist once again and I pull away to look at his neck to see the outcome of my work. A prominent, red mark is placed on the side of his neck and I know that it’d be a while before the mark disappears completely. I smirk as he pulls his head up inches away from mine. He smiles back at me and starts to lean in.

But I pull away, teasing him with an innocent smile. “We should head back.”

I start to pull away but he groans and tightens his arms around me. “No,” he whines.

I laugh as I brush his hair off of his forehead. “It’s been almost an hour. They’re probably getting worried.”

“So?” He leans in and starts kissing a spot just under my ear, causing my breath to catch and my eyes to flutter. I bite my lip to fight back the moan as he starts sucking on my neck.

“So…we should head back. It’s El’s birthday and we should be there.”

He groans and gives one last big suck on my skin before he pulls away. He smirks at the spot where his lips were previously placed on and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he had left a love bite.

“Can we go now?” I ask breathlessly.

He gives me a quick kiss before he nods. “Yeah, let’s go.”

I hop off of his lap and get out of the car. Harry does the same and opens the passenger door for me. We get in the car and he heads back to Eleanor and Louis’ place. He takes my hand in his for the entire car ride and I place it in my lap, playing with his fingers along the way. Every time we would stop at a light, I would lean over and place a kiss on his cheek, earning a smile from him.

Once we parked in the driveway, he turns off the car and faces me.

“So, what are we going to do once we get there?”

I look at him with confusion. “What do you mean?”

Now it was his turn to look confused. “I mean, are we still going to hide it from them or…are we going to tell them?”

Realization dawns on me. I had completely forgotten about how we were going to go on with our relationship. I know that hiding it from everyone just causes unnecessary problems. And I just want to spend as much time with Harry as I can. I don’t want to hide it. I know that I won’t be able to spend as much time with Harry if we continue to hide our relationship.

“I mean, I’m still okay with waiting if that’s still what makes your comfortable,” he says.

I see sincerity in his eyes and it brings a smile to my face. I lean in a leave a sweet kiss on his lips before I lean back.

“I think we should tell them.”

He looks at me with wide eyes, surprise evident on his face.

“Really?” he asks.

I just smile and nod. “I don't want to hide anymore.”

He smiles back at me in pure happiness. “Are you sure? Like I said, I’m more than okay with doing what you’re comfortable with.”

“I’ve never been more sure about anything else.”

He cups my cheek and leans in to place several kisses on my lips.

“But can we wait to tell Ed until he comes back next week?” I ask.

He chuckles. “Of course. But you’re going to be the one that tells him.”

I sit up straight in my seat and pout. “What? No. We’re going to tell him together.”

He dramatically sighs and smiles at me. “Fine. Whatever you want.”

I smile back at him. “We’ll talk about it more later.”

He nods. “Alright. Shall we go in?”

I nod before we get out of the car and walk in. Everyone is now inside and sitting around in the living room. The only people left are Eleanor, Perrie, Sophia, Louis, Zayn, Liam and Niall. They look up at us as we walk in and both of us sit on the couch beside El.

“Hazza! What is that?” We all look over at Liam who is pointing at Harry with a shocked expression. I look more closely and realize that he’s pointing at the bold hickey on Harry’s neck.

He seems to put two and two together and starts pointing between me and Harry. I start to blush and everyone realizes what’s happened.

I see Niall roll his eyes. “How did you not realize before?”

Liam looks over at him. “What?”

“It was obvious that something was going on between them.”

I look at Niall with astonishment.

Was it really that obvious?

“Even I had a feeling,” Louis says. “And that phone call confirmed my ideas.” He winks at me and I blush furiously.

“What phone call?” Liam asks. He seemed to be the only one lost about the situation.

“Nothing,” Harry replies quickly. “Louis doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Wait. So you two, you guys are together?” Liam asks.

Me and Harry look at each other with small smiles before he takes my hand in his. Harry looks over at everyone.


“How long?” Liam asks.

Harry looks over at me, looking like he wanted me to answer.

“About two weeks ago…but we hit a bit of a rough patch this week,” I look at Harry and he gives me an understanding look. “But we’re good now.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Liam asks.

“Well, me and Eleanor knew,” Perrie speaks up.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Zayn says, pretending to be offended.

Perrie giggles.

“Alright, alright, all that matters is that everyone knows now. But…” Harry looks over at me. “We’d like it if you didn’t tell Ed. We’re planning on telling him when he comes back from LA.”

“Yeah, sure. Just make sure that we’re there when you tell him. That’s going to be quite a show,” Louis says. Everyone laughs.

“Yeah, sure,” Harry says sarcastically.

“It’s about time you guys got together. I thought that you two would be in a relationship from when you two first met,” Louis says.

“Yeah, Harry wouldn’t take his eyes off of you that night,” Niall says.

Harry blushes. “Alright, that’s enough.”

Everyone laughs as I rest my head on his shoulder.

“Now we can go on a quadruple date,” Perrie exclaims.

“And I’ll be the 9th wheel,” Niall says. Then he looks at me. “Thanks for stealing my date, Lily.”

I laugh. “Don’t worry, you can borrow him a few times, if you want.”

Niall laughs. “No, thank you.”

“El, why don’t you open your presents?” Perrie asks.

Eleanor jumps up form her seat. “Oh, yeah!”

Everyone stands up to go to the dining room where the presents are. I stay in my spot with Harry and we looks down at me. He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him.

“You make me happy, Lily.”

My heart flutters in my chest.

“You, too, Harry.”

He smiles before he leans in to connect our lips. The kiss is slow and tender and I can hear my heart beat loud in my chest.

“Oi! Lovebirds! Get your butts over here!” Niall shouts from the other room.

I smile against his lips before we pull away and join the others in the dining room.

Hand in hand.






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