Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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131. Weakness

Lily's POV

It's been one month and even though it hasn't gotten any better, it hasn't necessarily gotten worse. Yes, the schoolwork is still piling up but there's always one thing I can look forward to every day.

Harry - or should I say, Marshmallow - sends me a single lily every morning at the front door. Even El has gotten used it and leaves it on the kitchen counter whenever she leaves for school before I do.

Every single lily even comes with a little note, just like the first one. Most of them consist of the same thing, saying it's from Marshmallow, however, a few of them have said "I love you", others said "I miss you".

The entire flat is now filled with vases of lilies. I had thought that the ones I had gotten first would start dying but they haven't. Harry must've spent a bit more money on good quality flowers. Now, the entire flat, especially my room is filled with the smell of lilies. The smell even lingers in my clothes every time I leave my flat, smelling it on myself when I'm in the small elevators or Harry's car.

Even from the first flower that I received, I knew that it meant that Harry is accepting this break. I have no idea how he came to accept it. I'm just glad that he's not angry or upset with me. I try to look at it as a good thing that he hasn't tried to contact me throughout this entire month that's passed. Hopefully, it means that he really does care.

I had tried to think of ways to tell him that I really do love what he's doing and that he's doing this, not only for me, but for us.

It had took me a week but I thought that it would be best to send him a picture of Luna with a small message on the back. I've sent three so far, each of them just saying "Love, Luna."

I knew he probably wouldn't understand since he didn't know that I had picked Luna up from the shelter yet, so I took the picture with Luna in my lap with only my upper body in the picture, my face completely cut out. However, I make sure to have Harry's ring necklace in plain sight, as well as my hand with the charm bracelet he gave me around my wrist wrapped around Luna.

I know he'll understand and since he had sent me a picture back the day after I sent him the first picture, a picture with what I knew for sure was Harry hugging Marshmallow against his chest, his chest the only thing you could see, along with his tattooed arm and ringed hand.

There are now thirty lilies in my flat and when I wake up on this particular special day, there's a small part of me that's curious as to what today's lily will say. I get up out of bed, quietly making my way out of my room and down the hall, being careful not to wake up El or Luna on this early Saturday morning.

I reach the front door and when I rest my hand on the doorknob, I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I open the door and I look down and, sure enough, there's a lily resting on the floor. I bend down to pick it up.

I close the door first before I make my way to the living room and sit down on the couch. I smell the lily, letting the familiar and comforting scent fill my body. And now, not being able to control myself any longer, I turn the card over and read the words.

You and Me

Happy anniversary

-H

He remembered.

Today is our three-month anniversary. I know people would argue that us taking this break shouldn't count towards the time we've been together but I wouldn't care what they think. Harry and I both know that we're still each other's as much as when we first got back together.

I read the words over and over again, tears prickling the corners of my eyes.

I don't even care that Harry wrote it and said it was actually from him this time. It's our anniversary so it's a special exception.

I can't believe a whole month has already passed. I didn't think I could even survive one day. One month has passed and I still have one more week left of final exams and I'm finally done this semester.

One more week and I can see Harry again.

I don't even care that when I see him again we're going to finally be talking about our issues. I'm just excited to finally be finished school and see him.

Of course there were times where I found myself almost calling him but I just reminded myself why I'm doing this. I've made it this far, I can hold on for just one more week.

Apart from going to class and the library, I've locked myself in my room, immersing myself in my schoolwork. I've had to kindly decline offers to hang out with the others and even though I felt bad, they reassured me that they understood.

After a while, they eventually stopped asking me altogether and I guess that made me feel less guilty that I didn't have to keep blowing them off.

After writing the several papers that I had to do, I received them back last week and I was happy with the marks that I got. It showed that the hard work paid off. Even the one paper that I handed in late was still better than I expected.

Some of my stress has been eased now that I don't have any more papers but now with final exams creeping up on me, I can feel myself getting overwhelmed again.

I knew from the beginning that it would be best to delete all of my social media. It was hard at first, especially when I would feel the urge to see if Harry posted or tweeted anything but I controlled myself. I just told myself that it would be better for me mentally if I stopped reading all the hate, especially since it's just a click away.

Of course I was aware that it might cause people to speculate why I deleted them. I know they'll think that I did it because of the hate. I mean, I guess it's partly why but the main reason is that I didn't want it to possibly set me off.

I know that I can handle the hate. I think that it had just gotten to me that one day because of the stress I had been feeling. I know that on any other given day, I wouldn't let it get to me. I've grown stronger since I first met Harry, when I first started seeing the hate being sent to me just for being around him.

I know that once school is over, I'll have the thick skin that I used to have. I think the stress had just affected my self-esteem. I also realized that the things that people said about me just using Harry for fame is what drove me to really want to focus on school.

I didn't do this to prove it to them. I wanted to do this for myself, to show myself that even with having a boyfriend like Harry, I can work hard to get the things I want out of life. Of course I'm grateful for Harry. I've never taken him for granted. I just want to prove to myself, and I guess everyone else, that I'm an independent woman that doesn't need things to be given to her without working hard for it.

I focus back on the flower in my hand. The smile still hasn't left my face.

I wonder what Harry's doing now. He's on his break now, since him and the other boys had their last show of their European leg of the tour last night. El had told me that Louis and the rest of the boys went straight home after their show, meaning that Harry is back in London now.

Of course I miss him. I've missed him since I last saw him. And now with this extra special flower in my hand, I know that I have to do something to show him how much I appreciate him, especially lately.

There's something that I've been thinking about doing and it may be too much but I don't care. Harry's been nothing but sweet this past month. I know that he deserves much more than my silence.

I get up and go back to my room, walking straight to my side table. I take out the three pictures that he had given to me in the letter, including the one in the picture frame. I place them neatly together on my bed and position the lily across the top with the card facing up.

I get another idea and I take Harry's letter from my side table drawer. I've always kept it there, hidden safely in the original envelope with my name written on the front in his writing. I carefully slide the letter out and even before I start reading it, I can feel tears forming in my eyes.

I read the letter, remembering Harry telling me to read this anytime I felt the need to, telling me to always believe every single word he had written to me. I get the same amount of butterflies I felt the first time I read it, the words reassuring me of the love he feels for me, even though I haven't doubted it even once this past month.

I never told you this but whenever I needed a reason to smile, I would just look at you. After a long day at work, I'm instantly relaxed when I see your smile. When I had held you those many nights we spent together when Ed was in LA, when I would wake up, worried that it was all somehow just a dream, all it took was one look at you and I would be reminded again of how lucky I am to be the one to be able to hold you.

Like I told you that night when you had asked me what I loved about you, I'm happiest when I'm myself and I'm myself when I'm without. I like who I am when I'm with you.

I remember every kiss we shared. Every moment that I held you. Every word we said to each other. Every moment we looked into each other's eyes and saw only pure and genuine love. Every single second we spent together.

You made me the happiest I've ever been in my life and I'm blessed to have met you and have you in my life. You've given me things that no one else can give to me.

I love the whole letter but these parts were definitely some of my favourites.

Tears flow down my cheek as I read it from the first word to the last. They're happy tears, of course. I know that I didn't need to read this letter to remind me of how much Harry loves me. I already knew that. I always know that.

It's just makes me extra happy reading them in his own writing, knowing that he took the time to write it all down for me.

I hug the letter against my chest before I fold it back up and put it back inside the envelope. I place it in the middle of the pictures, organizing everything until it's exactly how I want it. I take a picture of it from above, making sure everything is visible.

I download Instagram back into my phone and log into my account for the first time in a month. It takes a while for it to activate again but once it does, I don't bother looking at the comments I've received this past month. I just click on the 'post' button.

I choose the picture I had just taken, editing it before going to the caption and typing out what I want to say. I erase it over and over again, not being able to figure out the right thing to say.

Knowing that the picture itself speaks a thousand words, I decide to keep it simple.

You and Me

Happy anniversary

-L

I don't even think twice about tagging Harry. I'm not doing to shove it in people's face that we're together. I'm doing it because I want to remember this day. I want to make it as special as I can, especially with how things are right now.

My thumb shakes over the 'post' button but I take a deep breath and press it.

I get nervous about the comments that are going to come so I quickly leave the app and then delete Instagram from my phone. I don't deactivate my account. I just decide to not have the app easily accessible.

I'll just have to wait until this week is over before I can even try to go through the comments.

I look back down at each object on my bed, the lily, the pictures and the letter. I carefully put them back where they belong, putting the lily in one of the vases in my room.

I start getting ready for the day, changing into comfortable clothes. I go out to the kitchen and since I'm in a good mood, I decide to make breakfast for El and I.

Luna had woken while I was getting ready, so she follows me to the kitchen, standing by my feet when I make her a bowl of her food. I place it off to the side and go to the fridge to take out some eggs and bacon.

I put some music on, keeping it at a low volume so I don't wake El up. However, by the time I finish and place the food on the counter, El comes walking out of her room with heavy eyelids and messy hair.

"Morning," I say, smiling at her.

"Morning," she mumbles, sitting down on one of the stools. "You're in a good mood."

This must be new to her, seeing as how she's mostly seen me coming home stressed going to and coming home from school.

I give her a small nod. "Yeah, I guess I am. Today's Harry and I's anniversary." I clear my throat. "I mean, I know it's weird that we're not together or that we haven't even called each other but...he did send me another lily like always. And he remembered this time."

I remember the day I had to tell El everything that had happened. I couldn't hide the fact that Harry and I were taking a break. I had told her as soon as she had come back from London that weekend.

She was more than a good friend. She listened to everything I had to say and she even told me that she'd support me through this.

She even reassured me when she had told me that she's done this once before with Louis. Her and Louis had taken a short break a couple of years ago for school and while he was halfway across the world.

She told me how they got through it and it really was good for them.

That made me feel a lot better about all of this, knowing that a relationship as strong as El and Louis' went through what I'm going through.

"That's good. Or I would've knocked him upside the head if he forgot again."

I laugh, taking two plates from the cupboard and placing them on the counter. I grab some utensils and sit beside El before we both start to eat.

"Is Louis coming over now that they're on break?"

"No. I told him I need to focus on my exams this week. I'll be going to London after my last test. How about you? Are you going to talk to Harry as soon as school's over?"

I nod, knowing exactly what I'm going to do. "I'm going to drive to London on Friday after my last exam. I'm hoping to talk it all out with him and make sure he understands why I wanted to take a break."

"I'm sure he understands or he wouldn't be sending you all those flowers with those ridiculously sweet notes. I mean, Louis wouldn't even do anything that romantic for me, even if we weren't talking to each other."

I roll my eyes with a smile. "Of course he would. He adores you."

She raises an eyebrow at me. "Really? Wanna know what he said to me last night? He said "I can't wait to see you. I got you this really sick mug that glows in the dark! You'll love it!""

I laugh, taking in the grimace on her face. "Hey, it's the thought that counts. I'm sure it's a very lovely mug."

She rolls her eyes as she pops her food into her mouth. We finish eating and after we clean up, I take Luna out for a little walk and to let her do her business.

I put out a fresh bowl of water for her when we get back and I go back to my room to start studying. The first exam I have is literature so I take out my notes and pull out my textbook. I start at the notes I made from the beginning of the semester, referencing them from the chapters in the textbook.

I take a couple of breaks throughout the day to eat and to feed Luna and take her out for a walk and by the time I decide to take another break, it's already dark out. I'm about to get up from my seat but something in my notes catches my eye.

The work of Shakespeare has greatly influenced modern literature and films

As soon as I read this, it brings a smile to my face when I think back to when I was talking about this topic with Harry. It was when I had to write a paper about it and Harry was trying to help me.

"He's the one that wrote Romeo & Juliet, right? 'Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?' Does that help?"

My smile widens even more, the biggest I've smiled in a long time.

Every single day that's passed during this break, I start to miss hearing his voice more and more. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I couldn't handle it anymore and I went to my phone and played every single video that I have of him, just so I can hear his voice.

The one I took of him when we were at the park and I put a pile of grass on him and scared him. Another one where I took a video of him one morning when he was sleeping but I woke him up because I was wide awake. However, most of the other videos are of him singing. Those were my favourite.

For a few days after I first started watching the videos, I would play the ones of him singing before I went to bed, letting it soothe me to sleep. I had to stop myself because I would crave it more and more, to the point where I longed to hear it through the phone.

I've been deprived of Harry in all senses. Sight, his smell, the sound of his voice, the taste of his kisses, and his touch, as well as the feeling of his skin underneath my fingers.

I miss him. I miss him so much. Too much.

My day isn't whole until I get to hear the sound of his voice. I really do love the lilies and the messages he's sending me but it's not the same. His voice does things to me, things I can't explain.

I miss the deepness, the smoothness, the way it calms me with just the breath of my name. And one of the things I miss the most, his laugh.

His laugh makes my whole body feel light, like I'm floating in air. And when it's mixing with mine, I feel like we're the only two people in the world.

I can feel my resolve cracking as his voice and his laugh echoes in my mind. I can feel it breaking when I look over and see the lilies, the letter and the pictures on my bedside table. And finally, it completely crumbles when I reach my hand up to latch my fingers around his ring.

With shaky hands and even shakier breaths, I pick up my phone and go through my contacts until I find 'Don't You Dare Call'. I had changed Harry's name to this when I found myself about to call him but now, all I see is his name.

My thumb hovers over it, my breath erratic as I start to go through the consequences about what I'm about to do.

But then I realize, I don't care. I miss him. I miss the sound of his voice. I know that it's completely stupid of me to be calling him, especially now with exams coming up.

But, again, I don't care. And the fact that it's our three-month anniversary gives me that one last push to press down on his number.

I bring my phone up to my ear, my heart pounding in my chest when I hear it ringing. It rings four times and I'm about to hang up, thinking that he's not going to pick up but then I hear a click.

"Lily?"

My breath is completely sucked out of my lungs when I hear his voice. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes and I bring my hand up to cover my mouth, to hold back my cries.

All I can hear is the pounding of my heart and the sound of his breath through the phone. The words are stuck in my throat, unable to come out to let him know that I'm here.

"Baby? Are you there?"

With his pet name for me, a single, quiet sob escapes from my mouth as a tear flows down my cheek.

"Baby, don't cry. What's wrong?"

I gasp in a breath, inhaling through my nose in an attempt to compose myself enough to respond.

"I...I-I just mi-missed you," my voice cracking with emotion.

I hear him release a breath of relief, most likely thinking that I had called him because something was wrong.

"I miss you too. So much. You have no idea."

And just like that, I forget about everything. I forget about school. I forget about exams. I forget about the break. All I can focus on right now is Harry and the sound of his voice.

I bring my phone closer to my ear, making sure that I'm able to hear his voice as clear as I can.

"Is everything okay?"

I realize that I haven't said anything in a while and now I feel slightly embarrassed since I was the one that called him.

I take in a deep breath. "Yes, everything's okay. I just..." I suddenly remember the significance of this certain day. "Thank you...for the flowers...and-and the message. I loved them."

"I'm glad. And I really liked the picture you posted today. Happy anniversary, baby."

I wipe my tears as a smile breaks through my face.

"Happy anniversary, Harry."

Silence washes through us and soon enough, I can feel my smile fading as I come to terms with what I've caused with this whole break.

Tears build up once again, my emotions taking over. "I'm so sorry, Harry," I cry. "I'm sorry for all of this."

He sighs. "I mean, I'm not gonna lie and say that I enjoyed this break and that it was easy but...it's okay. Don't apologize. I understand why you did this." He pauses as I continue to cry softly. "Just one more week, baby. One more week and this will all be over and we'll get to see each other again."

Once again, this one week feels like it's going to be a whole month. I know that school will keep me distracted but I know that I won't be able to stop thinking about him.

I know that it'll be harder now that I've heard his voice but I don't care. It's all worth it.

"Okay," I reply. "I, um...I'll go there right after my last exam and...we can talk."

"Are you sure? I can book you a flight. I don't want you to be tired driving here."

I smile, loving how it's just like always, Harry caring about my safety. "I'll be fine. My exam finishes early afternoon so I'll just grab a cup of coffee and I'll be good to go."

He chuckles and I feel that airy feeling in my body again. I want to hear it again, even longer, but I know that I can't ask for too much from this phone call. Even though I didn't really know what to expect, I know that it can't be like they were before.

I know that we could talk for hours but that wasn't my intention. I just needed to hear his voice, even for just a little bit. I just needed it to hold me over for the next week until I can finally see him, feel him, touch him.

"I can't wait to meet Luna," he suddenly says. "You're bringing her with you, right?"

I smile. "Of course. Um...I'm sorry for not letting you name her with me. I just..."

"It's okay. I love her name. Honestly. I would've been happy with any name you wanted."

I was right. I was right about him being happy letting me pick the name.

Suddenly, I feel my stomach flip when I glance down at my study notes. This conversation has already lasted longer than I first intended. Not that I regret it but I know that I need to end this soon before we dig ourselves a deeper hole.

This is what I was avoiding this whole time. I know that when we talk, even for just a little bit, it'll make me crave it more.

Yes, I've just made this harder for myself, especially for this next week but it's the last thing on my mind right now. I knew what I was getting myself into. It's all worth it now that I heard his voice.

"Harry?"

"Yes, baby."

I clear my throat, knowing that I need to do this. "I, um...I have to go...but...I love you. I love you so much."

I wait nervously for his reply. I'm worried that he'll be upset that I just called him because I had a moment of weakness. I know that, if it were the other way around, I most likely wouldn't even answer his call.

"I love you more. I can't wait to see you."

Every ounce of worry disappears from my body, a smile spreading across my face. I know that I should be happy that he's taking all of this so well but of course I feel the guilt. I feel like I'm using him.

"Good luck with your exams. I know you'll do great."

"Thank you, Harry."

"I love you, baby."

"I love you."

Hanging up is a struggle and once I do, I already long to hear his voice again. I'm about to go through my videos of him just to hear it again but I know that it won't do me any good. I know that I'll end up doing that for hours until I have to go to bed.

As much as I want to, I know that there's a pile of study notes that need my attention right now.

I'm about to go back to studying but then I get an idea. I stand up and make my way across my room to my closet. I pull out Harry's sweater and put it on, letting it warm my body. I go over to my dresser and pick up his cologne, spraying it on the sweater, inhaling the scent.

I thought it would distract me wearing his sweater but I only feel it comfort me, relax me, just enough to go through a few more hours of studying.

When I decide that I've had enough studying, I head to bed, still wearing Harry's sweater. Luna barks at me and I turn around and lean over the bed to pick her up. I know it's bad to let dogs sleep in your bed but sometimes I can't help it.

She cuddles against my chest, curling up into a small, furry ball.

I can't help thinking about Harry. His voice fills my ears as I close my eyes and wait for sleep to pull me in. I think about the fact that I'm going to be able to see him soon. I've lasted four weeks. I can last one more.

His face is the last thing I see before I'm fast asleep and fall into a dream with a pair of bright green eyes.

***************************

Please vote and comment! What do you think is going to happen next??

And I can't believe tomorrow is the last show of the OTRA! It honestly feels like it was just yesterday that we were all excited for the first show :(

Don't worry, guys. I'm sure only good things will happen from now on, especially during the break :)

Anyways, 45 votes and 15 comments! Thanks for reading :)

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