Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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124. Uncertainty

Harry's POV

I wake up and immediately notice the absence of Lily's warmth. My eyes shoot open and I sit up in bed, darting my eyes around the room in search of her.

Not that I expected it, but I'm guessing she hasn't forgiven me. I'm not putting it past her. I wouldn't forgive myself. The entire night, I was worried that she was going to pack up and leave for Manchester. I was waiting and waiting for her to call me while I was at the party but nothing came.

I was about to leave the party and look for her but she had thankfully texted me telling me she was here.

I'm just glad she was safe and that she didn't leave. I need to talk to her. I need her to understand why I did what I did, at least when I first decided to do it.

When I had come home last night, expecting to see her in my bed, I panicked for a second thinking that she had left. I was thankful to see her still here, even if she was here in the guest room. As much as I wanted her in my own bed, I know that she needed space.

But I couldn't give that to her. I needed to hold her. I needed to have her beside me or I would've lost my mind. I can't help but feel that she's slipping away. I always feel that way when we fight, especially when it's my own fault.

So that's why I slept beside her. I wanted to do whatever I can to feel like she's still mine. Even though she was asleep, I still told her that I love her and pleaded for her not to leave me, hoping that she would hear me through her dreams.

I was also hoping that I would wake up with her still in my arms.

She didn't leave last night but where is she now?

There's no trace of her anywhere, not even her bag so I quickly dart out of bed and walk across the hallway into my own room.

Still nothing. I even check the bathroom but she's not there.

I run downstairs and I'm about to head to the kitchen when something catches my eye from the front door.

I feel myself release the breath I was holding when I see her bag sitting on the floor by the door. I know that she actually has to leave today since she has school tomorrow but she wasn't planning on leaving until later this evening.

Now, I'm not sure when she wants to leave.

But she's here now. She's still here. Somewhere.

She's not in the living room. She's not in the kitchen. I'm about to take out my phone and call her when I see movement from the backyard. I move closer and see her sitting on the patio chair, her phone in her hands.

I take a deep breath, gathering my thoughts before I open the door and step outside. She glances up at me and gives me an unreadable expression, looking away too fast for me to figure it out.

As I continue to look at her, silence surrounding us, I remember her bag by the front door.

"Are you leaving?" I ask.

She continues to avoid my gaze, keeping her eyes on her phone in her lap. I relax slightly when I notice that her phone isn't actually on and that she's not trying to avoid me.

"Yeah. El's going to pick me up later."

My eyebrows furrow in confusion. "What do you mean? You're not taking my car?"

She shakes her head. "No. You're back here now so you'll need it."

I can tell that that's not the real reason she's refusing to take it back to Manchester.

"I have another car that I can use. And I'll just be getting picked up by the car that management sends for me. I won't need it. You can still use it."

Again, she shakes her head. "It's alright. I won't need it that much anymore. It'll be winter soon so it'll be safer taking the bus."

"Lily, you know how I feel ab--"

"I'll be fine." She finally looks up at me, giving me the same disapproving look she had given me last night. The same look she gave me when she had told me that she can protect herself.

That look alone is enough to shut me up. I don't want to anger her even more so I decide to leave the car issue for now. I nervously walk to the other chair and sit down, facing her as she looks away again.

"Lily, I'm really sorry for what I did. I realize now how wrong it was of me to do that. I never wanted to hurt you because of that. I wanted the opposite, actually. I just wanted to protect you."

I can tell she's about to argue back as she snaps her head back to me but I interrupt her.

"But," I continue. "I realize that you don't need me to protect you, at least not all the time, and especially not by a bodyguard. I...Back then, when I was about to leave for tour for the first time, I felt that I wouldn't be able to do enough to keep you safe while we were apart. Yes, one of the reasons why I hired a bodyguard for you was to keep other guys away but it was also to keep you safe like a boyfriend should be doing all the time. I know it's hard for you to understand that but...I don't know what I would to if I found out something happened to you and that I couldn't do anything about it."

I can see her face soften slightly and I take that as a possible good sign.

I sit in silence now, allowing her time to think through what I had just said. When she turns in her seat to face me more, I sit up straighter and hold my breath.

"Harry...I...yes, I'm mad at you for hiring me a bodyguard and...I guess I can understand why you felt the need to do it but...what I'm more upset about was the fact that you lied to me."

My heart drops in my chest. I was worried that her anger would go deeper than just me hiring someone to watch over her and that causes the weight on my shoulders to get heavier, feeling it pull me down.

"Harry, you lied to me. You lied to me one week after we got back together. You lied to me for two months. How is that supposed to make me feel?"

Hearing her say this makes me realize how much I've really messed up and that earning her forgiveness won't be as easy as I thought it'll be.

I take a deep breath, not knowing what to say next.

"How is that not going to make me question everything else about our relationship?" she continues. "We promised that we would always be honest, that we wouldn't lie to each other. Even when I was scared to tell you the truth, I still kept my promise and I told you everything. Why couldn't you just give me that in return?"

"Other than that, I've been completely honest with you. I swear."

Her eyes dart in between mine and I can tell that she's trying to see if I'm lying.

I'm not lying. I've been completely truthful to her except for the bodyguard thing.

"Were you ever planning on telling me?" she asks.

I keep my gaze locked her hers, not wanting her to even think that I'm lying.

"Yes, I--"

"When?"

I swallow, getting more nervous under her gaze. I honestly don't know when I was planning on telling her. I just know that I would eventually.

"I...I don't know. I was thinking about telling you after Christmas, before I leave for America but...I don't know. I just knew that I was going to tell you some day."

I can't tell what her reaction is. She just keeps her expression blank as she slowly nods at me.

"Were you going to tell me and have Collin still watch over me or when you stop having him be my bodyguard?"

Again, I grow nervous. Her questions are starting to get trickier and trickier to answer. All I know is that I need to answer her with complete honesty.

I take a deep breath. "I was still planning on having him watch you while I'm in America but...you were getting suspicious of him so I was thinking about telling you and seeing if you would be okay with it."

She takes a deep breath and I can tell that she's trying to reign in some of her anger.

I always knew that I had to tell her. I just wasn't sure when. I also wasn't sure how long I planned on having Collin watch over her. But now that she knows, I know that I definitely won't be able to anymore.

"How do you know Collin anyways? Does he even actually go to my school?"

I clear my throat, expecting this question. "Yes, he does go to your school. I asked management if they could help me out and they knew him because he's taking criminal justice and his uncle is one of our security guards. He had some experience with it and since he goes to your school, we thought he would be the best one for the job."

Again, she just nods and looks away.

I swallow harshly, bracing myself for my next questions. "Are...are you done with me?"

She snaps her head to look at me and furrows her eyebrows, releasing a harsh breath.

"Harry, stop thinking that I'm going to break up with you every time we have a fight," she snaps. "I'm getting sick and tired of having to explain this to you every time."

I flinch at her harsh tone but I know that she's just angry and, like she said, tired of having to constantly reassure me that she's not going to leave me. However, it's slightly reassuring knowing that she's not going to break up with me over this.

That's what I'm most afraid of. I honestly don't know what I'd do if she did.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, looking down at my hands.

Seconds tick by in silence until I hear her take a deep breath.

"Harry, I...I can look past you getting a bodyguard to watch over me. I...I can kind of understand why you did that. But...I don't know how I feel about you lying to me for so long. I'm scared that you're going to just lie about something else in the future."

Unable to stop myself, I stand up and sit on the seat beside her.

"Lily. I promise I will never lie again. I promise."

She stares at me and I can tell she's thinking hard about something.

"You can't promise that, Harry. We made that promise before and you couldn't keep it. I'd rather you not promise that than promise me that you will and then lie to me again."

Slight confusion washes over me. "So...so what do you want from me?"

She shrugs. "I don't know...We'll just see how things go from here."

I don't know how to take in those words. I don't know what they mean.

"Lily, just tell me what you want and I'll do it," I say in desperation. I don't want to mess up anymore so I need to know what she wants.

She looks up at me and shakes her head. "You need to figure that out for yourself. I'm tired of telling you what I want and end up being disappointed when you don't give that to me. You wanted me to be more honest with you and to trust you and...I gave that to you. Whatever you wanted from me, I did my best to give those things to you. All I wanted from you was your honesty and your trust in me in return."

"I'll give you that. Baby, I promise. Just...please forgive and we'll work through this. I'll work harder. I'll be better."

Finally giving me what I've been longing for, she places her hand gently on top of mine.

"I know you will. But I just want you to know that I already think that you're good enough. You don't have to lie to me in order to prove that. You're already the best boyfriend I could ask for. I don't need bodyguards or...or your money to show me that. I love you, Harry, exactly as you are. Yeah, there are some things that you need to work on, just like I do with myself. But you don't need to lie to me pretending that you're doing that. I'd rather you be the jealous Harry than you lying to me."

"So...so you forgive me?"

She takes her hand off of me and, again, I'm not sure how to take that.

She sighs, keeping her eyes on mine. "I can forgive you for the whole bodyguard thing but...I can't forgive you yet for lying to me."

My heart drops and then starts to pound against my chest. What the hell does she mean by 'yet'?

"It hurt, Harry. I'm sorry if I sound like a bitch or if I'm being overdramatic but it honestly sucks knowing that the person you trust more than anyone else lied to you for two months, no matter how big or small that lie was. How would you feel if it was you? What if I kept something from you for so long?"

As much as I hate to deny it, I know that I wouldn't be too happy if I had found out that she had lied to me. I can't help but go back to when she had lied to me about not being able to go to Paris and going to see Marcus. I was hurt. Even though it was for his mum's funeral, it hurt knowing that she lied to me about it. It hurt knowing that she was even talking to him while we were together and having her lie to me about it. It hurt to find out through the Internet when I saw those pictures of them together. It hurt thinking that she didn't go to Paris with me because I had thought that she was with Marcus again.

This must be how she's feeling now. Yeah, it's two completely different things but the main thing is, I lied to her. I kept something from her and didn't take into account how she would feel when she finds out.

"I'm sorry," I finally say. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Her eyes flit back and forth between mine, giving me one short nod before she sighs and looks away.

This is where she's supposed to say that she accepts my apology. I need to hear her say this. I don't even know if I should take her nod as her acceptance.

I know I have to do more to earn her forgiveness and with her leaving soon, I have no idea what to do.

"I, um...I have a few shows here in London but I'll be able to visit you in Manchester next weekend."

All she does is nod.

If I could, I would visit her tomorrow night after the show but I know that I have another one the next day and she also has classes. Even with the couple of days off in between shows, there's still interviews that we have to do that'll keep me busy.

I know that it's not even an option to ask her to stay here with me for the week. That would only get her more upset if she missed classes because of me.

I know I need to think of something to do when I go visit her. I need to make it up for her any way that I can.

"Did you want to do something today before you go?"

I see her bite the inside of her cheek as she continues to avoid my gaze.

She sighs and shakes her head slightly. "I can't. El's picking me up soon."

"Really?" I ask. "I...I thought you guys didn't have to go until later tonight."

I remember her telling me that she plans on spending at least the morning and the afternoon here.

"I know but...I remembered that I have to get food for the flat. I have to do my laundry as well."

I know she's just making that up. We both know that she can just do that tomorrow. I can tell she maybe just doesn't want to stay here anymore.

I sigh, preparing myself for the inevitable question. "Are we okay?"

She looks up at me and I can see the inner battle going on in her head through her eyes. I hold my breath, waiting for her to say what I want to hear.

"We'll be okay, Harry," she says.

Even as she says this, I can see the hesitance in her eyes, even a hint of uncertainty. I almost want to look away just so I won't see it. If I don't see it, I won't have to believe it.

I'm about to ask her what it is she wants me to do but I've already asked her that. She's already told me that I need to figure it out myself. I know I need to earn her forgiveness. I know that I need to show her that she can trust me again, that I'll give her the honesty that she's always wanted.

I know she said that all she wanted was my honesty and I should've given her that from the beginning. But now, with the fear that struck me with the way that she told me that we would be okay, I'd give her the entire world just so that fear won't become reality.

"Can we at least have breakfast?" I ask nervously.

I can tell she's contemplating it but thankfully, she nods. "Yeah...sure."

Both of us stand and I hesitate as I hold out my hand to her. She looks down at it and takes a deep breath before slowly taking it. I breathe a sigh of relief as I interlock our fingers, wanting to hold her as tight as possible.

I lead the way back inside and straight to the garage, opening the car door for her. I quickly walk around to my side, not wanting to waste any time.

The car ride is silent except for the quiet music playing through the radio. She doesn't take my hand in hers like she always does. I'm disappointed but at the same time, I expected it. I take quick glances at her, only seeing her look out her window.

"Is there anywhere in particular you wanted to go to?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "No. I'll be fine with anything."

With that, silence fills the car once again. I go to the nearest diner that I know of and both of us get out of the car and walk inside. Thankfully, there are no paparazzi out but I know that when we make our way out, they'll make their appearance.

I open the door for her and we sit in one of the booths. Lily takes one of the menus and looks at it, making no move to strike up any conversation.

I clear my throat. "Lily?"

She looks up at me and I can tell she's forcing a smile on her face.

"Um...." I scratch the back of my head, nervous for her reaction. "Will...will you please take my car with you back to Manchester?"

Immediately, her face falls and she looks back down at the menu.

"I told you, Harry, I--"

"I know," I say, interrupting her. "I just...just for emergencies. I really won't need it while I'm here. I have another one that I can use if I do."

She shakes her head, still avoiding my gaze. "I really don't need it, Harry. I--"

"Please," I beg. "For me."

She looks at me again, sympathy flashing in her eyes.

I don't know how I'd feel knowing that she wouldn't have a car to get around Manchester. It's one of the things that gave me less anxiety while I was away. Even with me here in the UK, I don't even have second thoughts of still letting her use it.

I can see her taking in my distressed state before she takes a deep breath.

"Okay."

I feel a huge weight leave my shoulders as I exhale. "Thank you."

She nods and gives me a clipped smile as she looks back down at the menu.

"So...does that mean you can stay a bit longer?"

She scoffs in disbelief, her eyes darting back up to me. "No. I told you that I need to shop for food and do my laundry."

"I know you're lying. You just want to leave. Please, can you just stay?"

She rests her elbows on the table and buries her hands through her hair. "Harry, stop. You're just making me overwhelmed. I...I...I just have to go."

I brush my hand roughly through my hair in slight frustration. I know she's always been stubborn but I wish she wasn't when it comes to this.

I'm about to argue back but a waitress appears beside us.

"Hello. My name is Lea and I'll be your server today. Are you ready to order?"

Lily raises her head from her hands and looks up at her. I can see the state of distress written all over her face and I immediately feel guilty.

Lily smiles up at her and orders pancakes and orange juice, looking back down at the table when the waitress turns to me.

"I'll have the waffles, please," I say.

The waitress leaves as soon as she writes down our order, leaving Lily and I in tension-filled silence.

"I'm sorry," I mutter.

She sighs and meets my gaze. Surprisingly, she places her hand on top of mine.

"It's okay. I...I'm sorry, too. I just...I think it'll be better if I head back early so I can get ready for my classes tomorrow. I'll...I'll call you tonight. Okay?"

I nod, giving her a smile.

I guess I can take that. It's better than nothing.

"Okay."

She finally gives me a sincere smile before she looks down at her phone. Suddenly, I notice that she hasn't taken her hand off of mine. She even starts to gently brush her thumb across my knuckles.

Without hesitation, I take her hand in both of mine and bring it up to my lips. I place a kiss on it, catching her attention. She seems shocked by my action but she shoots me a smile shortly after.

I place her hand back on the table and this time, I place mine on top of hers.

Our food arrives a few minutes later and we eat with my one hand still placed on top of hers.

I can see her constantly checking her phone, curious as to why she becomes more and more distressed every time she does. I want to ask her what's wrong but I also don't want to overwhelm her again.

I'm sure she'd tell me if she really wanted to.

**

“Promise you’ll call me tonight?” I ask.

I have my arms wrapped around her shoulders, her head resting against my chest as she wraps her arms around my waist.

She nods against my chest. “I will. I promise.”

I place my lips on the top of her head, closing my eyes as I inhale her scent. I won’t be able to see her until next weekend, and with how things are right now, I know that it’ll be a long week without her.

“I love you,” I mumble against her hair, tightening my arms around her.

“I love you, Harry.” She doesn't miss a beat, which a small part of me was expecting.

I lean my head back to look at her, taking one of my hands to rest on her cheek as she meets my gaze. I lean in a give her a soft kiss, letting our lips linger. Our lips don’t move. They just stay together, prolonging this moment as long as we can before she goes.

“I’ll call you every day,” I say as I finally pull away. “I’ll miss you.”

She smiles at me. “You better miss me.”

I chuckle softly, brushing my nose against hers.

“I’ll miss you, too,” she adds. She places several soft kisses on my lips, only making me crave more. “Good luck on your shows this week.”

“I wish you could be there. For every single one.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile as she starts to rub my back slowly. “Me, too. We’ll just see each other next weekend.”

“It seems like years from now. Honestly. I just got back and we’re already going to be apart again.”

“Don’t think like that. We’ll talk every day like we always do. This week will be over before you know it.”

I sigh, realizing I don’t deserve her being this nice to me. “I wish I hadn’t screwed up. I keep ruining our time together.”

Again, she gives me a sympathetic smile. “And like we always do, we always make it through it. I mean, yeah, I wish we didn’t fight but…it’s healthy for relationships. We need balance. We need to sort out our issues and we need to be honest with each other and tell each other things we don’t like and hear things we don’t want to hear. Being honest means being vulnerable and getting hurt sometimes but it only makes things better for us. It makes us better. I would honestly lose my mind if it were happy all the time. It keeps things exciting.”

She giggles, the sound making a smile erupt on my face.

“Well, I do like exciting. And I do like pissing you off sometimes, for little things of course, because you get all angry and cute and your face gets all red and scrunchy.”

Just like I hoped, her face becomes exactly how I just described it.

“See? You’re adorable,” I say.

I can see her trying to hide her smile but it breaks through her face as she buries her face against my chest.

I kiss the top of her head again, pulling her closer and swaying us slowly. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes.

“I love you,” I say.

She tightens her arms around me. “I love you, Harry.”

We finally come to the hard part, the part I dread the most. I walk her to my car, helping her inside and then hovering by her opened window. I stall time, leaning inside the car and kissing her as much as I can, giving her as many kisses as I can. She accepts them willingly, a smile gracing her beautiful face the entire time, even when her eyes start to well up, just like mine is.

I was hoping to persuade her to stay longer but I know that she’s firm on her decision to go home early. I’m still not sure whether she’s leaving because she actually wants to get ready for her classes tomorrow or if it’s because of our fight.

I guess things are fine with us for now but I have no idea what to expect when she leaves. I know that our fight isn’t completely resolved but I think we both realize that it’s not something we can resolve in one day.

I know that we need to take it day by day.

When we say our final goodbyes and gives our last kisses, as I tell her I love her and hear her return it without hesitation, as I watch her drive away until the car is out of sight, I let her words repeat in my mind, hoping that it’ll stay true.

We’ll be okay, Harry.

I really do hope we’ll be okay. We need to be okay.

I force scary thoughts out of my head, thoughts about us not being okay. Thoughts about the kiss I just gave her and when I had told her that I love her possibly being the last time I get to do it.

I know I’m overreacting and overthinking but I can’t help those thoughts from gnawing at my brain. I need to stop thinking like this. It’ll only make me go crazy this entire week.

There’s only one way to get these thoughts out of my head, only one person. And that person is the one that is driving farther and farther away from me right at this moment.

***********************

Poor Harry...

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