Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


92. Speechless



Lily's POV

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" I ask Harry.

I sit in between his legs, both of us facing out towards London with Harry's arms wrap around me.

Harry and the rest of the boys are leaving for their first show tomorrow. Even though their show isn't until Wednesday night, they're scheduled to fly out early for rehearsals.

"Yeah, but I'd be more excited if you were going with me."

I smile and turn my head on his shoulder to nudge it against his neck. "I wish I could, babe. I really do. Just take lots of pictures for me, okay?"

"Why? You have enough pictures of me? You need more?"

I laugh and lightly smack his shoulder. "I meant of Colombia. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if you were in all of the pictures."

He laughs with me. "I will. I promise. We'll FaceTime so I can pretend to be your tour guide."

My smile widens. "I would love that. I think you'll be five hours behind, though."

"That's perfect. As were sightseeing, you'll be in bed getting ready to sleep."

I laugh. "That's true."

Silence fills the air as I turn back to look at the view, Harry tightening his arms around me and kissing the top of my head.

"You'll tell me if you have time off, right? I would really love to take you on tour with me."

I look down at his hands that my own fingers are playing with.

"Of course I will."

Suddenly, a thought that keeps escaping me comes to mind.

"Harry, can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course. What is it?"

"So, after I finished the song with Ed, he showed it to his management and he said that they want to hear more from me. Ed said that I would just need to record some songs first and then we can go from there about where I want to go with it."

"That's great, Lily. You're going to do it, right? Record your songs, I mean."

I start playing with his fingers once again in wariness.

"I mean, I want to. It's always been my dream to record my songs."


"What's got you worried, baby?"

Harry's so good at reading me, even when I try my hardest to hide it.

"I don't know. I guess I just look at Ed's success and even yours, and it scares the hell out of me. Just being friends with Ed and being your girlfriend already gives me attention from the media that I'm still not used to. I can't even think about what's going to happen when it's my own success. I want nothing more than to put my music out there, share it with other people and play my songs in front of others. I'm just scared out of my mind about the other stuff."

"I understand. But let me tell you something. Those 'other stuff' that you're worried about? It's not going to matter when you realize that you're doing what you love to do. Those things are going to be in the back of your mind when you're up there on that stage sharing your music with your fans. It'll be hard at first but, like you said, you have Ed as your best friend and me as your boyfriend who will do anything and everything to make sure that you can handle it. Even though I know you're strong enough to do this by yourself, I'll always be there for you."

I turn in my spot so I can look at Harry properly before I wrap my arms around his shoulders.

"You really mean that?"

He gives me a reassuring smile. "I do. I've been through it all and more. I'll be there whenever you need me."

I finally return his smile and I nod. "Okay."

His eyebrows furrow slightly. "Okay what?"

"I'll do it. I'll record the songs."

His smile widens and he leaves a kiss on my forehead. "You can do this, Lily. You're meant to do this."

He kisses me on the lips before I turn back in my spot, facing forward once again.

"Ed said I can record any time I have time off. And I'm still going to finish school before I decide what I'm going to do."

"That's a wonderful plan. And let me know when you do start recording. I'll try and visit you so I can see you work your magic in the studio."

I smile as I clasp my fingers through his. "Of course I will. I mean, you are the inspiration for most of the songs that I want to record."

He lightly chuckles. "I am, aren't I? Maybe we can even write a song together."

I think about it. It's not a bad idea, actually.

"I would love that."

Harry hums as he places his lips on my shoulder. "If you do decide to start a music career, maybe you can even go on tour with me. Maybe be our opening act?"

I smile at the idea. Touring with Harry would be a dream come true. Combining two of my favourite things in one. Harry and touring.

"Hm, maybe you guys would be opening for my tour."

Our laughs fill the air as I feel Harry's chest vibrate behind me.

"Sounds good to me. Well, whatever you do decide to do, I know you'll make the right choice and do what will make you happy."

"I'm already happy, Harry. No matter what I choose to do, as long as I have you, I'll be happy and that'll be enough for me."

I feel his smile as he presses his lips onto my shoulder again.

"But you're right," I continue. "I owe it to myself to get what I've worked hard for. And I owe it to you for helping me get over my fear. I think I already know what my decision will be. I just need to take it one step at a time."

"And I'll be with you every single step on the way. And you don't owe me anything. This is all you. You deserve this."

I just hum in response. No matter if Harry believes me or not, I really do owe him a lot. If he hadn't helped me get over my fear and Ed had offered to record my music for his management, I would've immediately said 'no way in hell'.

So yes, I really do owe him.

We just sit in silence as we watch the sunset, the sky going from blue to orange purple, until darkness starts to creep over us. I glance at my watch and see that it's almost 7:30.

I groan. "I have to go soon."

I don't want to leave my spot right now. I'm so comfortable in his arms and once again, it'll be a while before I feel this again.

Harry sighs. "We'll head back soon. But there's something I want to give you."

Harry carefully pushes me to sit up before he stands up and walks to his bike. He takes something out of the compartment and heads back to me.

The gift bag.

Harry sits in front of me and I sit patiently as he takes out a box. He opens it but it's hard to see what's inside in the darkness. But as Harry picks it up and holds it out, the moonlight catches it and I gasp.

"I know I said that I would get you new charms while I'm on tour but after today, I knew this would be perfect."

He clasps the new charm on the bracelet and I take it in my hands as I look at it.

It's a tiny motorcycle. Almost exactly like his actual bike.

"Harry. I love it."

I look up at him and see him smiling down at the bracelet.

"The look on your face when you told me that you wanted to go for a ride on my bike, I just couldn't believe that my girlfriend loves it so much. So yeah, I knew I had to get it for you."

My smile widens as I lurch forward and wrap my arms around him.

"You are the best boyfriend ever. I love it. I really do."

I pull away but keep my arms around him.

"If you want, I can take care of your bike while you're away." I give him a toothy grin and he laughs.

"No way in hell."

Even though I knew the answer as soon as I thought of the idea, I pretend to be upset and I pout.

"I promise I won't crash it. I won't get one scratch on it."

"How about I buy you your own bike?" he smirks.

I narrow my eyes at him, knowing that he's satisfied with his response.

"No way in hell," I say, copying his tone from a moment ago. I glance at my watch again and frown. "We should go. I still need to grab my stuff from your room."

Harry stands up and holds out his hand for me, helping me up. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me.

"We also need to do something else in my room before you go." He gives me that cheeky smirk and waggles his eybrows.

I pull away and raise an eyebrow at him. "Really? Didn't you get enough last night?"

"Well, like I told you last night, I can never get enough of you."

I give a short chuckle. "We'll see." I tease.

I look out at the view one more time and Harry stands behind me with his arms around my waist.

"Come on, Lily. You know you want it, too."

I smile. "Well, I also want to bring your bike with me but you don't love me enough to."

He laughs. "Are you bribing me for s.ex?"

I turn around in his arms and smile up at him. "Actually, I asked about the bike first so technically, you're just trying to get something out of it."

"Lily," he whines. "I trust you but if something does happen to the bike, I don't want to get mad at you for it. I said 'no' because I love you."

I purse my lips. "Fine. I hate how you can make everything end up being romantic."

I playfully glare at him before he starts pulling me back towards the bike.

"Next time I'm home from tour and you're here, I promise to let you use it as much as you want."

"Hm, that could be ages from now. Maybe I can find someone from my school who can satisfy my new motorcycle obsession."

Harry drops my hand and I almost bump into him when he abruptly stops and turns around to face me.

His eyes look down right into mine. "Excuse me?"

I can't decide if he's actually mad or if he's just pretending. Still, I shrink under his intense gaze and I gulp.

"What?" I asked, still confused.

"What did you just say?"

I can tell that he's not pretending when I see his jaw tighten. Even though he's not pretending, I have no idea why he's being like this.

I straighten my posture and cross my arms, furrowing my eyebrows at him.

"It was a joke, Harry."

He scoffs. "That's not something you should joke about."

"Oh really? And it's okay for you to joke about that. I remember you teasing me on our first date saying that you could find someone else to take out on a date."

His glare falters for a second as he remembers but he continues to look at me like I just pushed his bike over the ledge.

"That's completely different. That was our first date and now we're in a committed relationship and you're saying that you're going to find someone to satisfy your bike obsession."

"It was a joke. You know that I was just teasing."

He rolls his eyes and turns around, making his way back to his bike. "Well, sometimes your teasing is too much."

"You didn't seem to think so last night."

He turns around and looks at me with a blank expression. "Yeah, well, that's cause you're teasing me about hanging out with other guys. Last night, you teased me and we got to f*ck after. I think that's pretty self-explanatory."

My eyes widen in astonishment and I take a step back.

It's hard to see his expression in the semi-darkness but he just stares at me as I continue to stand there in pure shock. I don't know why but I feel my eyes start to water and I try my hardest to hold them back from falling.

He finally turns back to his bike again. "Let's go."

If we weren't in the middle of the forest, I would already be walking away and heading to Louis' place. I attempt to swallow the lump forming in my throat as I slowly walk over to the bike.

Without looking at me, he hands me my helmet and he mounts the bike. I put on mine and carefully swing my leg over the seat. My hands hesitate by his waist before I decide to just keep my hands on his shoulders. His head snaps to the side for a quick second but then he looks straight ahead.

He turns on the bike and we ride back to his place in unfamiliar silence.

The silence gives me time to think about his harsh words. Of course they hurt me but what surprised me the most was that it came out of Harry's mouth and that he said them to me. He's never been like that.

Tears finally fall and I curse at my helmet from preventing me from wiping them away. The wind just makes it worse because it makes them cold, allowing me to feel them strongly against my cheeks.

I know that my teasing may have been too much but the way Harry reacted was more than surprising.

That wasn't Harry.

That wasn't my Harry.

We reach his house and as soon as he parks the bike in his garage, I quickly step off and take off my helmet with my back to him. I place the helmet on the bench and walk towards the door.

"I'm gonna get my stuff." I attempt to keep my voice from breaking and from Harry seeing the fresh tears spilling down my face so I rush to the door and go inside without looking at him.

I quickly head to his room to grab my bag before I head to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I stuff all of my toiletries inside my bag and when I have all of my stuff, I take my phone out and call El.

"Hey, Lil. What's up?"

"Are you heading over soon?"

El would be picking me up here with Lou's car and then we would head back to Manchester.

"Yeah, I'm actually about to leave. Are you ready?"

I sigh. Naturally, I would already be crying and blubbering about what just happened but I know that Harry's inside the house now and I can't risk him seeing me like that. It'll just have to wait for the car ride back to our flat.

"Yeah, I'm ready. Just text me when you're here."

"I will. See you soon."


I hang up and look up at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I wipe away the slight smudge of mascara under my eyes and take a deep breath before I turn around and head towards the door. When I open it, I see Harry sitting on the bed, facing towards me. He looks up at me with an unreadable expression and I look away.

"El's on her way. I'm going to wait downstairs."

I walk out of the bedroom without another word, making my way down the stairs and to the living room. Harry followed me the entire way and he sits on the other couch in the living room. I pretend to be busy with my phone but it's also a distraction to keep myself from crying again. We sit there for minutes but what seems like hours in silence. All I can hear is the clock ticking in the distance and I just look at the time on my phone, wishing it would go faster and wishing that El would finally get here.


I tense in my spot and take a shaky breath., keeping my gaze on my phone. "What?"

"Are we going to talk about this?"

"Talk about what? You did enough talking for the both of us."

I hear him take a deep breath and I can see him resting his elbows on his knees from the corner of my eyes.

"You know I didn't--"

"Mean it?" This time I look up at him and I don't even care that my eyes are watering again. "The thing is, you still said it. You say you don't mean it now but it sure seemed like it when you did say it."

His gaze softens, surely because of the tears threatening to spill over. I wait for him to say something but he doesn't.

I stand up and walk to the other side of the room. "You know that I tease you a lot. And if I'm positive, you just love to tease me back." I turn around to face him and see him looking down at the ground. "That's how I am. So what? You want me to tell you only things you want to hear? Okay, so, Harry, don't you worry. While you're on tour, I'm going to go back to Manchester and I'm going to be a good girl and I won't even look at another boy. I'll tell every boy that approaches me and tell them that I have a boyfriend that I love very much and tell them to leave me alone."

Again, he remains speechless.

"Is that what you wanted to hear? Huh?" I wipe the tears from my cheeks. "I'm sorry, I thought that what we went through since we got back together - no, since we first met - was enough to show you that I would never hurt you by flirting or doing anything with another guy."

I don't know what I want more, for Harry to say something or for him to stay silent.

Thankfully, I don't have time to decide that as I hear my phone get a text. I know who it is before I even look. I take it out and I know I'm right when I read a text from El.

"El's here." That's all I say as I go to pick up my bag and head towards the front door. My hand reaches the doorknob when I hear Harry's footsteps behind me.

"Lily, wait."

My hand freezes and I stay in my spot, not turning around.

"I'm sorry."

My heart strains in my chest and I bow my head, feeling more tears falling. We may have talked about what I said but what Harry said still remains lingering in the air between us. I'm leaving and I don't have time to talk about it right now. Harry said he didn't mean it but I really didn't like that he said it.

That's the problem. He may not have meant it but he said it.

I get another text, most definitely from El, and it snaps me back to reality. I take my hand off of the doorknob and turn around. I walk up to Harry and place my arms around him before giving him a kiss on his cheek.

"I accept your apology but it doesn't mean that I'm okay with what you said." I pull away before Harry has time to hug me back. "I have to go. We'll talk about it some other time."

Confusion overtakes his features and then it's replaced with worry.


"Goodbye, Harry."

I start backing up to the front door, not allowing myself to think over this.

"Have fun on tour."

I turn around and open the door, taking a deep breath before I walk out.




Thought it was long overdue since Hily has been happy happy happy for a while now LOL. Please don't hate me...

Anyways, you guys probably noticed (or not lol) but I made a new cover. Well, I didn't actually really make the manip but someone found it for me and I was going to ask the person who made it if I could use it but she hasn't been on Tumblr for over a year.

Her tumblr is mirandarhp and all credit goes to her for the amazing manip edit.

So yeah, let me know what you guys think! Do you guys like it??

35 votes and 15 comments before I post the next chapter!

Thanks for reading! Love you guys <3

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