Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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34. Salt To An Open Wound

Harry’s POV

~Earlier in the morning~

“Are you sure, Harry?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” I reply to Tom, one of our managers.

He raises an eyebrow at me. “Why the sudden change of mind? You’ve never agreed to this before and now you’re the one asking for it.”

I just shrug. “Do you want me to or not?”

He exhales deeply. “Alright, alright. We’ll talk about it more later, I’ll have to make a few phone calls first.”

“Just make sure it happens today.” My voice is emotionless as I look over at Tom. He’s already looking through his phone but he nods in response. That’s when I turn to leave before I change my mind.

I walk back to my hotel room and sit down at the end of the bed. I rest my elbows on my knees and place my head in my hands. I have no idea what I’m getting into but my emotions are taking over everything. I may be acting irrational right now but I’m worried that I’ll handle all of this in a different, much difficult way.

After seeing those tweets and the pictures, I had had enough. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle the pain. I needed something to distract me from the pain, maybe even make it disappear.

I didn’t know what to do.

And then I found her journal in my suitcase. She had left it at my place the day before I left for Paris. Since I still thought that she was going to make it to Paris, I decided to bring it and give it to her when she got there.

When I saw the pictures, I was overwhelmed with anger. I couldn’t stop myself as I took her journal out of my suitcase. I stared at it, knowing that this was wrong of me to do but I couldn’t help myself.

I opened her journal to the last entry she made and that’s when I knew that my assumptions were right.

She wrote a song about Marcus. The date is written on the top, seeing that it was from a week ago. And written beside the date, it said ‘song for Marcus’. My eyes were drawn to the lines written underneath the title ‘When I Look At You’.

When my world is falling apart and there’s no light to break up the dark,
That’s when I look at you

When I look at you, I see forgiveness, I see the truth

Forgiveness

You love me for who I am, like the stars hold the moon

The moon.

I know I’m not alone

You appear just like a dream to me

All I need, every breath that I breathe

Don’t you know you’re beautiful?

When I look at you

I closed the journal and threw it hard against the wall in front of me, seeing it land facedown on the ground.

That was the last straw for me. All I can think about is how much of a fool I was for falling in love. Falling in love so quickly. Love does shit like this and it hurts.

That’s why he was texting her.

That’s why he was calling her.

That’s why she couldn't make it to Paris.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the guy in the pictures is her ex-boyfriend.

Did she decide not to go to Paris so she could be with him while I’m here in Paris?

After that, all I could feel was anger.

That’s why I decided to approach Tom and decided to do what I just agreed to a few moments ago. There’s no backing out now.

I wasn’t going to let her make a fool out of me even further.

**

Lily’s POV

I hear a knock on my door and even though I don’t answer, Ed opens it and pokes his head inside. That’s the routine now for the past two days. I have locked myself in my room, only going out to use the bathroom and to eat.

Déjà vu.

“Lily? El’s here.”

I turn my head and see Eleanor appear from behind Ed. She gives me a small smile and I sit up in bed, leaning against the headboard.

Ed just nods at El before he leaves, closing the door behind him.

Eleanor slowly walks up to me and sits beside me, facing me. She takes my hand and I look up at her.

“I'm so sorry, Lily.”

That’s all I’ve been hearing for the past three days.

I’m sorry, Lily.

I know that they were being sincere but I find the words meaningless. It doesn't take away an ounce of pain, pain that is constantly intensifying after each passing day. It doesn’t make the betrayal any less hurtful.

But I nod anyways.

“Why don’t we go out and do something? Get you some fresh air.”

Ed must’ve told her that I’ve been practically treating my room like a prison. A prison to lock myself away from the outside world. I know what to expect once I go out there. There will definitely be paparazzi there asking me questions. I didn’t want to face them, I didn’t want them to see how broken I am right now.

But I needed to get out of this room. It’s starting to make me go crazy. All I’ve seen these past two days is the cream-coloured walls and the white ceiling, occasionally, the darkness underneath my blanket as I shut out the light.

I need something different to look blankly at.

I seem to have taken El by surprise as her eyes widen when she sees me nodding and slowly pulling the blanket off of me. She quickly smiles and stands up from the bed.

“Um…I’m just going to take a shower.” My voice is raspy, my vocal chords not used to speaking more than two words in a sentence for the past few days.

She nods. “Alright, I’ll just wait out in the living room with Ed.” She gives me another smile before she turns around and leaves the room.

I absentmindedly pick out some clothes, not caring if they match or whether it’s appropriate for the whether.

I trudge to the bathroom and hear Eleanor and Ed quietly talking in the other room. I can’t understand them so I just walk inside the bathroom and lock the door. I look at myself in the mirror and even though I’m taken aback by how horrible I look, my face remains emotionless.

There are bags underneath my eyes from lack of sleep these past two nights. My skin is pale from lack of sunlight. My hair is greasy from the three days with no shower.

I rip my gaze away from the mirror and start to undress. I take an extra long shower but mostly because I just stand underneath the showerhead, blinking away the water from my eyes. I stand there for a few minutes before I snap back to reality and start washing myself.

They must’ve noticed that I’ve been taking a long time as I hear someone knock on the door. I shut off the water.

“Lily, are you alright?” El says through the door.

I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’ll be right now.”

“Alright.” I hear her walk away.

I grab my towel from the rack and wrap it around my body.

When I’m finished and all dressed up, I tie my still wet hair into a bun and make my way out into the living room.

Eleanor and Ed snap their heads up at me once they hear me and they both stand up at the same time.

Both of them open their mouths to say something but I interrupt them, not wanting to discuss whatever it is they wanted to say, knowing that it was along the lines of ‘are you okay’.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask.

They look at each other before the turn to look at me again.

“Yeah, let’s go,” El answers. I force a smile on my face towards Ed and he gives me a nod. I turn around and head to the door.

I hear Ed whisper something to El. “Call me if you need me or if anything happens.”

Does he think that I’m going to break down again in public?

Honestly, I didn’t even know the answer to that. I’m just hoping that I’ll be able to keep myself together long enough to last this day out with El.

I open the door and El appears beside me. We make our way down the hallway in silence. I know that she doesn’t really know what to talk about. I don’t want this day to be like this, I didn’t want to think about anything related to…him.

“So…how are you and Louis?”

I press the button for the elevator and I see her look at me from the corner of my eyes.

She seems surprised by my question, as she doesn’t say anything before she clears her throat.

“Oh. We’re good. They…he comes home tomorrow so I’m excited.”

I nod. But I caught her slip-up. She was going to say they are coming home tomorrow. ‘They’, meaning all of the lads, including Harry. She changed her words so that we’d avoid the awkwardness.

“And Perrie comes home tomorrow, too, so we should all do something again.”

I force another smile on my face as I finally look up at her. Her eyes are wide, like she’s constantly worried that she’s going to say the wrong thing.

“That sounds great. But El?”

She looks up at me.

“Let’s just forget about everything and…act normal today. I know you’re feeling anxious right now but I don’t want to spend this whole day with us like this. I won’t be closed off if you stop thinking that I’m going to break down any second. I promise, I’ll be a good girl today.”

A somewhat sincere smile appears on my face as El lightly laughs. I can tell she’s already feeling more comfortable as she smiles back at me and nods.

“Alright. I’m sorry. I promise, we’ll just be our normal, weird selves.”

I laugh for the first time in days, even though it only lasted for less than a second. It felt like my mind didn’t want to feel happiness or experience laughter, as a wave of pain crashes through my heart.

I look away from El’s gaze, hoping that she didn’t catch it.

We reach the first floor and we make our way out through the lobby. Like I guessed, there’s a huge group of paparazzi waiting outside. Waiting for their next scoop of gossip news.

El links her arm through mine and holds me tightly.

“Just ignore them, okay?”

I nod and take one last look at the crowd before I duck my head and cover my face with my free hand.

The second we step one foot outside, we’re attacked with shouts.

“Lily! Lily! Is it true? Are you and Harry over?”

“Did he cheat on you?”

“What made him cheat on you?”

I can’t take it. I’m starting to have a panic attack as the remarks keep coming, more vicious than ever. The flashes are blinding me and it’s just making my anxiety even worse.

“How does it feel to be the next victim of Harry Styles’ long list of girls?”

I shut my eyes, letting El guide me through the swarm of these parasites.

“I’m guessing you were just another fling for Harry? You were just for fun?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I covered both of my ears with my hands, El adjusting her arm to allow it to still be clutched around mine. She seems to walk faster as she sees my actions.

“Get out of the way!” she shouts.

I’m able to muffle the sounds but I can still hear it. I can still hear the words that were like salt to my open wounds.

We finally stop and I hear El opening a door. I open my eyes and I quickly hop inside the car, keeping my head down. This time, I use both of my hands to cover my face as the paparazzi are now surrounding the car. I start to worry about El but I hear the driver’s side door open and feel the car dip down as she gets inside.

She doesn’t even care that she could run over people’s feet as she forces her way out of the crowd.

“Shit. I’m so sorry about that, Lily.”

I slowly pull my head up, blinking away my tears as I shake my head. “It’s okay,” I whisper.

We drive in silence for a while. I use the silence to force the horrible words from the paparazzi out of my head. They were the words that I’ve been avoiding to say to myself. I tell myself that that’s not the reason that he cheated on me. But then, I come up with no other reason for why he would.

Did he just see me as a fling? Just something fun to make time pass?

Was I just another girl in his long list of relationships? Relationships where he made the girl believe that he was in love with them, that he would never hurt them?

 

Relationships where the girl falls in love them him before he turns around and breaks them in the worst way possible.

 

*********************

Please like and comment! :)

If anyone was confused, the first of this chapter, the one with Harry's POV, it was the morning of when Lily saw the news of Harry cheating. Comment if you still don't understand and I'll try to explain better.

Let me know what you think Harry and his manager were talking about in the beginning of this chapter :)

Thanks for reading :)

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