Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


125. Rumours

Lily’s POV


Back to reality.

I balance my books in one arm and a cup of steaming coffee in my other hand as I speed walk to my first class. I turn the corner and almost bump into someone, making me spill a bit of coffee on my hand.

I hiss in pain but I continue to walk. I make it a minute before class officially starts and I sit in my usual seat that Marcus always saves for me. He’s always here early to meet up with Milly so I’m almost always late so he’s used to saving my seat for me.

Matti is also already there, so I place my books on top of the desk and sit beside her.

“Hey!” she says when she looks over at me.

“Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good. You?” I smile before taking a sip of my coffee, hoping it’ll wake me up more.

“Good. By the way, what happened to you at the party? You were gone and I didn’t have a chance to say ‘bye’.”

“Oh…Harry and I had a fight.” Matti and I have gotten closer since we met, especially with the project that we had that we finished a few weeks ago. We’re comfortable talking to each other about anything, especially when we have boy troubles.

She gives a sympathetic sigh. “What happened?”

I take a deep breath. “I, um…he--”

Thankfully, the professor walks in and gets everyone’s attention. I wasn’t sure how to explain to Matti about Collin and the whole bodyguard thing. I know that I need to talk to Collin first. I know that we need to figure out if we’re going to tell them what happened.

The professor has a ‘no talking while he’s teaching’ rule, which I’m greatly thankful for right now.

I take another sip of my coffee just as Marcus walks back from sitting beside Milly and sits beside me. I had asked him why he doesn’t just sit beside her but he had told me that he did one time and he reluctantly had to stop because he wasn’t able to pay attention to the professor at all. Milly didn’t want to be the reason he’s distracted in class so they both decided it would be better that he sit here in his original spot. Of course they would meet up right as class is over.

Class drags by and I sip my coffee constantly to keep awake until I’ve drank it all. By the time class is almost over, I really really need to pee. As soon as we’re dismissed, I quickly gather my stuff and tell Marcus and Matti that I’ll meet up with them at the restaurant that we always go to before I rush to the bathroom.

I do my business and when I walk out of the bathroom, I bump into someone.

“Oh, sorry!” I exclaim.

I look up and meet Collin’s gaze.

“Can we talk?” he asks.

I swallow harshly, suddenly feeling anxious.

This is the first time I’ve seen him since the party, since I walked in on him and Harry talking. He’s texted me since but I haven’t had the courage to reply. He had texted me asking if we could talk and I’ve been trying to avoid it but I guess I can’t avoid it forever.

I nod. “Yeah, sure.”

I follow behind him as we maneuver through the crowd, reaching a set of doors that leads to an arboretum behind the school. He holds the door open for me and I step out and head over to the vacant bench. I sit down and Collin sits beside me.

“Lily, first off, I want to apologize for…for lying to you. I really wanted to tell you, at least just recently once I’ve gotten to really know you. You’re a great person and I hated that I had to lie to you. I really hope you forgive me. You’re a great friend and I’d hate this to be the reason that we stop talking.”

He watches me with expectant eyes, his features filled with worry and guilt.

I take a deep breath, telling him what I’ve somewhat prepared to tell him. “It’s okay, Collin. I know you were just doing your job. I mean, I realize that I shouldn’t be mad or upset with you. I know that it’s between Harry and I. So, you don’t need to apologize.”

“I still feel like I need to. I know that I made you uncomfortable at times and I wish that I didn’t. Yeah, I wanted to make sure I was doing my job but there were times that I wish we could’ve just hung out and not because I had to watch you. There were times that I wanted to quit but…” He suddenly looks away and clears his throat. “It gave me a reason to hang out with you.”

My heart thuds, my eyes widening as I take in his words. “Wh…what do you mean?”

He fiddles with the cuff of his sweater, still avoiding my gaze. “I…I like you, Lily.”

My stomach twists and I release a hard breath. “Collin, I--”

“Yeah, I know that you’re with Harry. I respect you two. Don’t get me wrong.” He finally looks back at me. “I think you two are great for each other. I mean, I could tell since Harry wanted to protect you while he was away. Don't worry. I’m not going to act on it. It’s just a silly little crush. I think it was because we hung out so much. Like I said, you’re a great person. Everyone can see that. I mean, look at Marcus, he told me how head-over-heels he was with you. And even Leo.”

I furrow my eyebrows at him in confusion as he chuckles.

“Leo told me about when you two met and how he had a crush on you.”

I feel my cheeks heat up, remembering when Leo had told me that.

“Really, Lily. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m sure it’ll go away, especially now that I don’t have to watch you every day. I mean, not that I don’t want to hang out with you. I meant that now I don’t have to watch you. You know what I mean.”

I release a soft chuckle as he gets flustered.

“I get it. Um…” I clear my throat. “You’re a great person, too, Collin. Like I said, I’m not upset with you. I…I think we can just move past what happened and be friends. I don’t see why we can’t. And…I’m flattered that you like me but I’m sure you’ll find the right girl. I know you will. Seeing how great you were at protecting me, I know you’re going to find a girl you deserve.”

He smiles at me and I return it with one of my own. I know things are going to be awkward for a while but I know his feelings will pass and we’ll be okay.

“By the way, did you want to tell the others what happened?” I ask. “I’m okay with not telling them if that’s what you want.”

He nods. “Yeah, I’d prefer if we kept it between us. I’m not sure how they’ll take it. I don’t know if they’ll be as understanding as you are.”

I give him a reassuring smile. “Of course. I understand.”

He releases a breath of relief and claps his hands. “Alright. Let’s just forget that it ever happened. What do you say?”

My smile widens. “Sure. Why not?”

Suddenly, my phone receives a text and I look at it and see that it’s from Matti asking me where I am.

“Did you want to join us for lunch? It’s just me, Marcus, Milly and Matti.”

He nods. “Yeah, sure.”


After lunch and after two more classes, I head back to Harry’s car. Just as I reach it, I see two girls looking at me and whispering to each other. I can’t make out what they’re saying but I know it’s not friendly once they start laughing.

I quickly look away and get inside the car, glancing up at them one more time as I drive away, seeing them still laughing and shaking their heads.

Eleanor still has one more class so I get home and I decide to start my laundry. I know that I had told Harry that I was going to do that yesterday, that it was the reason that I wanted to go home early but, like he suspected, I just needed to get away from everything for a while.

There’s too much to think about and I thought that it would be better to go home and think it all through alone. However, like I had promised, I had called Harry last night and we talked for hours. Yeah, it was nice but it took up my entire night that I had set aside to think through everything.

When it was getting too late, I had to tell him that I had to go sleep. I tried to stay cheery throughout the entire phone call, just like I did before I had left his place yesterday. I wasn’t faking it, necessarily. I just had to try really hard to make it show more than I showed how overwhelmed I really was.

I know that the both of us know that it’s going to take a while to work through this and, hopefully, this week will allow me to think everything through and figure out how to work on the issues we have right now.

However, even though it’s only the first day of the week, I already have two new assignments that I need to work on and one test that I need to study for next week. I had thought that with the exams that I had finished last week, that I would get to have a little break, but I was wrong. It’s only more assignments and more tests.

Harry and I had texted here and there throughout the day today so I was able to talk to him for a little while. And I know that he has a show tonight so I know that he’ll be busy. I decide to start on at least one of my assignments, so, as the laundry is going, I go to my room and bury myself in my homework. I manage to finish half of it by the time I’ve finished my laundry, so I decide to have my dinner.

I was able to go out yesterday and buy food like I said I would, so I heat up some leftovers and take it back to my room, taking small bites as I try to finish my paper.

By the time I finish it, it’s already 10:30. I didn’t even realize El had come home until she had come into my room to say ‘goodnight’. I take a shower and get ready for bed and by the time I’m finally under the covers, it’s already 11:30.

I set my alarm for 5:30 since I have an 8am class tomorrow and I already know that I’m not going to get enough sleep.

I send Harry a ‘good night’ text and tell him that I’ll call him tomorrow before I put my phone on the bedside table and lie back on my bed.

With the events of today and the stress from doing my paper, I can feel myself sinking into my bed and falling asleep. However, I jump in fright when my phone starts ringing.

I groan quietly before I turn around and grab my phone from my side table. I squint as I look at the name but I already had a hunch that it was Harry.

I answer it and put it up to my ear, laying my head back on the pillow and close my eyes.

“Hi, Harry,” I mumble.

Hey. Sorry. Did I wake you?

“No, no. I was awake. I, um… I was just about to sleep. I have an early class tomorrow.”

Oh. Um…I can go.

I can hear the disappointment in his voice and I have a debate in my head whether I should stay on the phone with him for a while or tell him that I’ll just call him tomorrow.

“No, it’s okay,” I say as I yawn. “I…We can talk for a bit.”

Okay!” he exclaims. I can hear his smile through the phone, making one appear on mine.

“So, how was the show?”

It was great. It was fun to be back here. I always love playing back home.

“That’s great, babe. When’s your next show there?”

We have another one on Wednesday and our third one on Friday. So I’ll be there Friday night.

“Sounds good. I can’t wait.”

“Me, too. So, how were your classes today?”

“They were okay. Assignments are already piling up but I’m managing.”

“That’s good. Anything I can help with?”

I give a quiet laugh. “Unless you want to write a 700-page paper on Shakespeare’s impact on modern literature then I don’t think so.”

“He’s the one that wrote Romeo & Juliet, right?”

I laugh. “Yes, Harry.”

’Romeo, Romeo, Where for art thou, Romeo?’. Does that help?

I cover my mouth, trying to quiet my laughs, worried that I might wake up El. “Harry, stop!” I whisper. “You’re making me laugh.”

Well, I love making you laugh so too bad.

I roll my eyes, even though he can’t see me.

Harry continues to talk as I mostly listen, trying not to fall asleep. I find myself dozing off a couple of times and when I glance over at the clock, I see that it’s already past midnight.

I wait until Harry stops talking before I sigh. “Harry, babe, I should sleep soon. I have to wake up at 5:30 and you know how I am when I have lack of sleep.”

I hear him laugh. “Alright. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I have a few interviews but other than that, I’m free.

“Okay, I’ll call you when I get home.”

I’ll be waiting. Good night, baby. I love you.

“I love you, Harry. I miss you.”

I miss you more.

“Good night.”


It’s not long after I hang up that my tiredness pulls me under and I fall sleep.


I had thought that Tuesday would be a better day but I was wrong. Not only did I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed, I was running late for class so I couldn’t even get my morning cup of coffee. I struggled through my 8am class trying to pay attention, let alone staying awake.

With the three classes I had today, I only had a 15-minute break. All I could manage to do in that time was to get a coffee and a muffin.

And now, to add on to the assignments I already have, I have another two papers that my professors assigned. With the stress building up, I wasn’t even able to join the others for dinner. I went straight home to start on my homework.

Now, I’m sat at my desk on my laptop researching for one of my papers. El is out with some of her classmates, so I’m alone in the flat but I put some music on so it’s not eerily quiet in here. 

I receive several texts from multiple people, from Marcus, Matti, El, and Harry. I didn’t want to get distracted so I didn’t want to reply to them. I know that I had told Harry that I would call him when I get home, and the fact that he knows my schedule, I know that’s he’s been expecting a call or even just a text from me.

It’s not that I don’t want to but I know that if I call him, it’ll just be a repeat of last night and the day before. I know that I’ll use precious time that I need to work on my papers if I talk to him. Of course I feel bad but I’m sure he’ll understand when I call him later tonight.

I continue to work on my paper, getting more and more frustrated every time I read it over and find myself not satisfied with it. I probably changed it around over ten times before I was somewhat happy with it.

Suddenly, I hear the front door open and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion wondering why El is back so quickly. However, when I glance at the clock, my eyes widen when I see that it’s already past 10 o’clock.

I didn’t even know I was working on my paper this long. I didn’t even realize that I missed dinner.

I read over my paper one last time and I decide to edit it tomorrow when I’m able to focus more. I now start to feel the tiredness and the hunger that I somehow neglected while I was too focused on my schoolwork.

I close my laptop and grab my phone before I head out of the room and go to the kitchen. I see El putting what looks like a takeout container into the fridge as I walk in.

“Hey,” I say.

She turns around and smiles at me. “Hey. Is everything okay? You didn’t reply to my text.”

I nod and open the fridge and start to look for food. “Yeah, sorry. I was working on a paper. I have like a million due in the next few weeks. I haven’t had time to text anyone.”

I don’t find any leftover food and I’m too lazy to cook anything.

“Oh, I brought some food for you. I knew that we didn’t have anything to eat here for tonight.”

I gasp. “Really? Oh my gosh, El. You’re a lifesaver.”

I take out the container that she had brought home and I turn around and place it on the counter where El is sitting behind.

El laughs. “No problem. I’m glad I did, seeing as how you’re only eating now.”

I don’t even bother heating it up. I just get a fork and start eating the pasta that she had brought for me. “School is absolutely crazy right now. I didn’t even know it was already past 10.”

“Yeah, I understand. Just don’t work yourself too hard. Your health is much more important than a paper.”

I give her a smile. “Yeah, I know. I just want it over with.”

“Don’t we all.”

El and I laugh before I continue to eat and El goes on her phone.

I take the last bite when I look over at her and see her furrowing her eyebrows at her screen.

“What the hell?” she says.

I swallow the food in my mouth before I speak. “What?”

I walk around the counter and sit in the seat beside her. I look over her shoulder, wondering what she’s reading.

She scrolls back to the top of an article with a picture underneath it before she passes it to me.

Louis Tomlinson caught getting cozy with best pal, Harry Styles’, girlfriend? Pictures seen of the two sharing a more-than-friendly embrace at the party that Styles was hosting.

My jaw drops as I look at the picture of Louis and I when we had hugged just before I had left the party on Saturday, when he had helped me find a ride home.

I quickly look up at El, about to explain to her what had happened but she puts her hand up, stopping me.

“Lily, don’t freak out. I know that article is complete bullshit. Louis told me what had happened and even if he hadn’t, I know that you would never do whatever the hell that article is talking about.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I look back down at the article and try to read it but by the time I reach halfway through, my anger boils and I can’t even finish reading it.

It talked about “multiple witnesses” stating that they saw Louis and I hug for a whole minute and others saying that they saw us kiss. There were “sources” saying that the two of us have been getting close and that we’ve been going behind Harry and El’s backs.

It was bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit. I wanted to throw up.

I give El her phone back and I rest my elbows on the counter and rub my face in stress. This is just what I needed to add to this already stressful week. I feel El rub my back, attempting to sooth me.

“It’ll be okay, Lily. No one will believe that. The media just needed something to talk about since they had nothing else to write. Anyone who knows us knows that that complete lies.”

“It…it’s just too much to handle sometimes.” I lift my head up and look over at El. “I’m still not used to it, being in the spotlight, having people constantly taking pictures of me everywhere I go, people making up these ridiculous stories about me.”

“I know. Unfortunately, you can’t ever really get used to it. Look at me. I’ve been with Louis for four years now and I’m still not used it to. I’m not trying to stress you out even more but it’ll get easier. You’ll learn to avoid all those stuff.”

I give her a small smile and nod. “Yeah, I hope so. I just hope Harry won’t see it or at least not freak out if he does.”

“I’m sure he won’t freak out. I’m sure the last two people he would think would hook up would be his girlfriend and his best friend.”

Yes, that’s as ridiculous as it sounds. No one in their right mind would believe that. I just wish people didn’t have to make up these rumours in the first place.

“Anyways, I have to head to bed,” El says. “I have an early class tomorrow.”

I give her another smile and nod. “Okay. And sorry for being so anti-social lately. I promise we’ll have a girl’s day once school stops trying to kill me.”

El laughs as she stands up. “No worries at all. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

We say our ‘goodnights’, El heading off to her room as I clean up the kitchen. I head back to my room and take a quick shower and get ready for bed. I lie down and grab my phone, deciding to finally reply to everyone. I reply to Matti and Marcus, telling them that we can have lunch tomorrow since I missed dinner tonight.

Usually, I would go on Twitter and Instagram for a while but after seeing that article, I knew that I should avoid it for tonight.

Plus, I know that I should call Harry. It’s already 11:30 but I still want to talk to him. It’s basically part of my daily routine, no matter what.

I go to Harry’s name in my contacts and click on it, but instead of just calling him, I decide to FaceTime him. I hold my phone up in front of me, waiting for him to answer, which he does after just two rings.

As soon as I see his face, a smile erupts on my face.

Hey, baby.” He smiles through the screen and a part of me regrets FaceTiming him because seeing his face just makes me miss him more.

“Hi,” I reply. “Sorry I didn’t reply to your text or call you when I got home. My schoolwork just keep piling up and it’s keeping me really busy. I wasn’t even able to have dinner until just an our ago.”

His brows furrow slightly in worry. “It’s alright. I kind of assumed that’s what happened. Is everything okay?

I give him a reassuring smile and nod. “Yeah, it’s okay. I just want to manage my time well so I don’t end up having to do ten papers in one week.”

He nods but he still looks at me with worry. “By the way, did you, um…happen to see something online today? An article?

My stomach drops and I swallow harshly as I look at him. “Yeah…I did. Look, Harry--”

You don’t need to explain. I only wanted to talk about it to see if you were okay. I know there’s not one thing true about that article. Louis even approached me about it to see if you had read it and how you took it. We’re only worried about you.”

I put on a brave face as I nod. “Yeah, I’m okay. It just shocked me, is all. I was actually worried about how you would take it. I’m not saying I expected you to believe it but, um… just the fact that it happened at your party, I was worried that you would get upset with Louis. Did he talk to you about what happened?”

Yeah. It’s okay. I’m glad you talked to him and that you stayed at his and El’s room. We’re cool. Don’t worry. So you’re okay?

I nod. “Yeah, I’m okay. Or I’ll be okay. It’s just going to take a while to get used to it.”

I can see the worry growing in his eyes, even when he smiles and nods.

“Anyways, how was your day?” I ask, wanting to change the subject.

I can see his eyes sweeping back and forth between mine before he sighs and gives me another smile. “It was good. We were mostly busy in the morning and afternoon but I just stayed home for the rest of the day.”

“Lucky you.” I pout through the screen, causing Harry to pout right back to me. “I’ve been nonstop all day. This entire week has been stressful and it’s only Tuesday.”

I know I’m complaining but it’s true. And I know that Harry thinks I’m talking only about the stress from my classes but he doesn’t need to know. It’ll only make him worry about the fact that I’m stressing out about the rumours, our personal issues, and maybe even a little bit because of what Collin had confessed to me yesterday.

Don’t worry, baby. I’ll start on that paper you told me about. I’ll have 700-words in no time. It’s about that Shakespeare guy, right?

I burst out laughing, prompting a smile to appear on Harry’s face.

“It’s okay, Harry. I already finished that one today.”

He puts on a fake disappointed look. “Darn. I was so excited to write it.”

I laugh again and, just like that, he’s able to relieve a little bit of the stress that’s been building up for the past few days.

“I love you, Harry.” Both of us know that this is my way of thanking him for always cheering me up when I need it. No matter what, I’ll always go to him if I need to forget about my worries, even for just a little while.”

I love you, baby. And don’t worry. Those papers will be over with soon and then you’ll be on Christmas break and we’ll be able to take a nice break from everything together. And don’t worry about those rumours. They’re just rumours. What matters most is that you know the truth.”

I give him a smile and nod. “I know. Thank you, Harry.” He returns my smile and then I look at the time. “I should head to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

He nods. “Okay. Good night, baby. I wish I were there with you.”

“Me, too. Just a few more days.”

His smile widens. “I love you.”

“I love you, baby.” I give him a kiss through the screen and he actually leans closer and kisses the camera.

I laugh as he pulls away, a toothy grin spreading across his face.

“Good night, Harry,” I say as I chuckle.

Good night.”

I blow him one more kiss and wave before I end the call. As soon as I do, I immediately feel the stress weigh down on my shoulders again.

I put my phone away and lay my head on the pillow, pulling the blanket further up my neck. I toss and turn, my thoughts keeping me up. I know that Harry was just trying to reassure me, it’s not as seeing as seems. When he had told me not to worry, it didn’t make one ounce of worry leave my body. My papers aren’t just going to write themselves like he made it seem. They’re stressful enough just thinking about all of the ones I have to write, it makes it so much harder to focus on writing just one of them.

And I know that I shouldn’t let those rumours get to me but I can’t help it. I can’t help but think about what people will think of me. I don’t know what Harry’s fans will think of me. It reminds me of when I saw those two girls laughing and whispering as they were looking at me today.

Are they fans of Harry? Did they see that article and that’s what they were talking to each other about?

I’m about to grab my phone and see what everyone’s saying about those rumours now but I know that it’ll just stress me out even more. I know that if I do that, I won’t be able to stop my thoughts long enough to try to fall asleep.

I stop myself, knowing it’ll be better if I don’t.

I try to sleep but, just like I thought, I toss and turn with my mind screaming every single possible worry that I’ve been stressing out about these past few days.


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Please let me know what you thought of this chapter and what you think is going to happen next! :)

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