Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

328Likes
959Comments
1510674Views
AA

132. Roller Coaster

Lily's POV

I just want to go home, collapse on my bed and sleep for two days straight. I had just finished my last exam of the semester and now, I can practically taste the freedom. It was the most stressful week of my life. I had one on Monday, two on Wednesday, one yesterday and my last one today.

I didn't think I was going to survive but there was one person that motivated me to keep going.

After I had called Harry on our three-month anniversary, I knew things would be a little bit different between us, at least in terms of communication.

I know he's still aware that I need to focus on studying for my exams so neither of us expected another phone call from each other. However, he started to leave me 'good morning' texts, again. They were short, simple, sweet, just like always. He would just say good morning, good luck on my exams, and that he loves me.

Of course I replied. I would tell him good morning, as well, a thank you, and that I love him more and that I miss him.

And, every time, he would send me one more text saying that he misses me, too. He would leave me alone for the rest of the day, which I was fine with, but he would always leave me a 'good night' text and tell me once again that he loves me.

And, again, of course I would say it back to him.

I accepted that because it was basically the same as when he was sending me the flowers. Now, it was just us saying it to each other directly.

However, he still had lilies sent to me every morning.

I can honestly say that it relieved a little bit of stress every day, which I was greatly thankful for.

This entire week, it has literally only been study then exam and back and forth every day. I rarely saw El and she was literally just in the other room. She had her own exams so she was locked up in her own room just like I was.

But now, I'm done. No more exams. No more school. No more stress.

I head to Harry's car, a fresh cup of coffee in my hand. I take a sip and let the taste warm my entire body. It's early December now and there's a light flurry of snow dropping down onto the ground.

I fix my beanie on my head, making sure my ears are protected from the harsh temperature. I can feel the tip of my nose turning numb so I quicken my pace, quickly getting inside the car.

As soon as I turn it on, I blast the heater, shivering as a gust of cold air flows out of the vents for a few seconds as the car warms up. When warm air finally replaces the coldness, I feel my muscles relax enough for me to buckle up and maneuver out of my parking space.

I head back to the flat to pick up Luna and my luggage. I know that things are going to be okay when Harry and I talk but I know that I have to be prepared for anything.

As I'm stopped at a stop sign, I dial Harry's number through the fancy navigation system thingy in his car. I hear the phone ringing from the speakers and I focus on the road as I wait for him to answer. I had told him this morning that I would call him when I finished my exam and before I head to London.

After three rings, he answers.

"Hey!" The excitement in his voice fills the entire car, causing me to smile.

"Hey, Harry. I just finished my exam so I'll just pick up Luna and we'll head there right away."

"Last chance to take me up on my offer to have you fly here. I'd get to see you and Luna much faster."

I laugh. "It's okay, honestly. Thank you for the offer, though. Getting Luna through customs might be a hassle, anyways."

He chuckles. "You're right. Okay, well, see you soon. I can't wait to see you."

My smile widens. "Me, too. I'm starting to forget what you look like."

He voice booms around the car and it's like he's right beside me. "Just think of the most handsome man you've ever laid your eyes on and you'll remember."

I roll my eyes with a laugh, even though he can't see me. "So you look like David Beckham?"

"Hey!" he exclaims. "I'm much prettier than David Beckham!"

"Okay, whatever you say. Anyways, I should go. I'll text you when I'm leaving the flat."

"Alright. Bye. I love you."

"I love you, Harry."

The line clicks and I turn on the radio to drown out the silence. I drive back to my flat and I head inside.

El's exam finished a couple of hours before mine did so she went ahead to London. She had offered to wait for me so we could drive together but I told her that it was fine since we would be going separate ways, anyways.

I had told her that we would just text each other when we're both in London so we can all meet up.

I take the elevator up to our floor and as I'm walking down the hallway, I pull out my keys from my bag and unlock the door.

The flat is dark but an unfamiliar flicker of light catches my eye. I look up and I almost scream in fright when a tall figure steps out of the darkness.

My eyes widen and I freeze in my spot when I see Harry standing in the living room, facing me. He has a bouquet of flowers in his hand, his other hand buried in his pocket.

I let the door close behind me as I drop my bag, still in shock.

As soon as I come to the realization that he's actually here in front of me, physically in front of me, my emotions take over. It's been five weeks since I've seen him and that week before, we barely saw each other. And when we did see each other, things weren't particularly good between us.

So, now, as I'm taking in his face, his smile, his eyes sparkling, tears prickle my eyes. I take both of my hands and bring it up to cover my mouth, already anticipating the sobs about to come out.

"Hi," he says breathily, a lopsided smile spreading across his face.

I'm still in shock. I didn't expect him to be here at all. I was expecting to drive four hours to London before I got to see him. I am not prepared for this at all. I can't make words come out of my mouth. I can't even make my hands drop from my face.

My vision soon blurs as more tears build in my eyes and for a second, I can't make out Harry from the darkness of the room.

I quickly wipe my tears, scared that he's going to disappear.

"Harry?" I whisper when my vision clears once again.

He chuckles softly and takes a step closer to me. "Hi, baby."

I clasp my fingers together and rest it against my beating chest as I shake my head frantically in disbelief. I can see him but I still can't believe that he's actually here.

"Harry?"

He laughs again but this time, he slowly walks up to me. I can't seem to make my legs move so I just stay in my spot, watching him as he approaches me. When he's standing right in front of me, I can finally smell him and the scent of his cologne, of him, overpowers me.

Smelling him now is completely different from when I smell it on his shirt that he gave me. Having him right in front of me just intensifies the scent and for a second, it makes me dizzy.

He brings a hand up and wipes a tear that I didn't realize had fallen down my cheeks.

"Hi," he whispers softly as he keeps his hand on my cheek and brushes it gently with his thumb.

My body reflexively draws closer to him and with his proximity to me, I can finally feel the sense of comfort that I've been longing for these past couple of weeks. With this sense of comfort, I can finally breathe.

"Wh...what are you doing here?"

"Well, I knew you might be a bit tired from all your exams and it's snowing out so I didn't want you to drive. I thought it'd be better if I came here. You don't have to drive and I finally get to see you." He brushes my cheek one last time before he drops his hand back to his side.

I shake my head again but this time, in disbelief of how sweet his gesture is.

"I just...I can't believe you're here."

His smile widens and he leans in a bit closer before holding up the bouquet of flowers. "These are for you."

I look down at it and see an arrangement of the most beautiful lilies. I wrap my hand around the stems but he doesn't let go. His hand slides up to rest on top of mine, his thumb caressing my knuckles.

"Thank you, Harry. They're beautiful."

I inhale the scent of the flowers before I look back up at him. When our eyes lock, I can feel the atmosphere shift. It's like the world stopped spinning and all I can see is Harry.

His hand that was placed over mine around the flowers slowly and gently glides down my arm. He takes another step closer as his hand moves over to my waist and when I feel the light tug, I close the space remaining between us and wrap my arms around his neck as his wraps around my waist.

My body instantly relaxes against his and when I rest my head against his chest, I close my eyes and hum quietly as I finally feel him after five weeks. He tightens his hold on me, not letting go just like I don't plan on doing, either.

Right now, I don't even think about our talk, I just want to hold him. Neither of us make a move of stopping the hug. If anything, we only hold on tighter. I'm melting against him and I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I inhale the scent of his cologne as his hands rub my back slowly. He lowers his head, cocooning me with his entire body now. It's like we're making up for lost time with this hug, not wanting to let go to make up for the five weeks we went without seeing or talking to each other.

With one last squeeze of his arms around me, we pull away. When I look back up at him, I can already see the change in his entire face. I can already see how much happier he is just like I am right now.

I pull the flowers back in between us and Harry looks down at it.

"Why don't we put those away and we can...talk?" he suggests.

I try to suppress the feeling of anxiety creeping up my body, not wanting it to ruin this moment. I just nod and bring the flowers to the kitchen to find a vase. Harry follows quietly behind me and just watches in silence as I place the flowers in a vase and fill it with water.

I slide it across the counter beside the first batch of lilies that Harry had sent me. I give it one last glance before I turn around and face Harry. He's leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed loosely against his chest as he gives me a soft smile.

He holds out one of his hands and I walk up to him and take it. He pushes himself off of the frame and leads us back to the living room. He sits down on the couch and I sit beside him.

I know that I should be the one to initiate this conversation so I take a deep breath and turn in my seat to face him.

This is what I've put off for five weeks so why can't I think of anything to say? I don't even know where to start. Putting this off just added even more problems for us and I know that I can only blame myself.

I think of the issues that we had before the break and I can already feel the anxiety creeping up in my body. I think about what I put Harry through these past few weeks and how selfish I was. I know that it was the best for us but it doesn't mean that it wasn't a horrible thing to do.

And the fact that Harry was nothing but supportive throughout the break just makes me even worse about myself. All he wanted was to be there for me and all I did was push him away.

"Hey, hey, don't cry."

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the moisture along my cheeks. I look up and see Harry giving me a look of worry as he wraps an arm around my waist and his other hand grips the side of my legs. He effortlessly pulls me against him and he turns in his spot so that we're completely facing each other with my legs draped across his and resting on the couch behind him.

I look down and fidget with my fingers, staring at my lap as silent tears continue to fall down my cheeks. I shake my head slowly before I take a shaky breath and look up at him.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm sorry for what I put you through. You were right. I was being selfish. I was only thinking about myself and not about what you were going through."

"That's not true. You were thinking about me. Like I said on the phone last week, I wasn't completely happy with the break but I understand why you thought it was best for us. It might've been, it might not have been but the fact that we're here right now shows that we got through it. I know it was hard for the both of us but we did it."

I nod, trying to reassure myself that he's right.

"But that doesn't mean I want this to happen again, okay?" he continues. There's a slight edge to his voice, his voice stern and serious. "I mean it. No more breaks. I can't do that again. I can't handle it."

My eyes dart back and forth between his, seeing the anger flashing behind them. I know that the anger isn't pointed directly at me. I know that he's just trying to show how serious he is about what he wants. This isn't a light topic. I still remember his reaction from when I first told him I wanted to take a break.

I cower slightly in his gaze, my gaze faltering under the harshness of his stare.

Suddenly, he takes the back of my neck with his hand and pulls me in for a hard kiss, completely catching me off guard.

"I mean it, Lily," he mumbles against my lips before pushing them back to his in a deeper kiss.

"You have no idea what I went through the first few days of our break," he says in between kisses. "I was so mad." Another kiss. "So mad." Another. "No more breaks. Ever. I can't do that anymore." Another deep kiss that leaves me lightheaded. "Got it?"

He pulls away so suddenly that I'm still in a daze when I open my eyes and look over at him.

All I can do is nod, completely breathless from the kiss.

"I need to hear you say it, baby. I need you to promise me."

I can see the desperation in his entire face, his eyes darting quickly in between mine.

I nod again. "I promise, Harry."

His gaze softens slightly before he slowly leans in and presses his lips against mine, this time in a much more gentle kiss.

His hand that was on my cheek moves down to my waist and he pulls my body closer to him until it's pressed up against his.

I don't know why but I find myself crying again but this time, for a different reason. My emotions are definitely getting the best of me, especially from Harry's previous actions. After everything I put him through, he still wants to be with me.

That's what I was worried about throughout the entire break, that he was going to get fed up and break up with me for good. Every morning that I woke up during the break, I was expecting a text saying that we're over.

But he didn't. He didn't break up with me and he's here now kissing me.

I realize now that they're happy tears, tears of relief that he's still here.

He deepens the kiss slightly as I sniffle and wrap my arms around his neck. Just as I turn my head to deepen the kiss even more, I hear a small bark from beside us.

Harry and I pull away and we look over to see Luna looking up at us. She barks again and I chuckle softly as I wipe my tears away and lean over to pick her up. I place her on my lap in between Harry and I and she immediately starts barking at Harry and leaning up against his chest with her paws.

I have no idea what she's doing. She's never like this with anyone else.

She gives a cute little growl, still looking at Harry.

I laugh as I look up at Harry in confusion, seeing him looking just the same.

"Luna? What are you doing?" I say, petting her head and trying to get her attention.

She continues to bark and growl at Harry so I take her in my hands and press her against my chest.

"It's okay, Luna. What's wrong?"

"I think she thinks that I'm hurting you," Harry chuckles. "Dogs have that instinct, especially when their owner is crying."

I chuckle as I wipe the rest of my tears away and smile at Luna.

"It's okay. He's not hurting me."

I cuddle against Harry more and lean up to give him a kiss on his jaw.

"See? It's okay."

She stops barking but I can still hear a low growl coming from her tiny body.

"She was fine when I first got here," Harry says, slowly bringing his hand up to her. "I felt like we were bonding."

Luna tries to move away from him but eventually gives in when Harry starts petting her behind her ears, which I've found out is her sweet spot.

"She must really love you," Harry says as we both watch Luna lying down on my lap, closing her eyes as Harry continues to pet her.

I turn my head to face Harry and look up at him, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"I love you."

His face softens and he leans in to place a lingering kiss on my forehead. "I love you more."

I turn to face Luna again, resting my head into the crook of Harry's neck.

"I know we still have a lot to talk about but I want to take you out to eat first," Harry says. "I think that tonight should just be a day to forget about everything. We did it for five weeks. I think we can put it off for one more night. You had a busy week so let's just relax for the rest of the day. What do you say?"

I smile as I nod. "I would love that."

I know that we have a million more things that we have to talk about but I think we both deserve to put it off for another day. It's not like I was expecting to work out our issues in one night. Both of our emotions have been up and down a lot today already. I think it's safe to say that we can have the rest of the day for ourselves and not have to worry about anything for a while.

"Why don't you get ready and I'll take Luna out for a walk before we go?" he asks.

"Are you sure? I can take her out quickly."

"Yes, I'm sure. She's my dog, too."

I know he can tell that I'm worried about putting responsibility onto him when it comes to Luna. She technically is our dog but it's the first day post-break and I feel bad for putting all of it onto him all of a sudden.

"And it'll give me the chance to earn her trust, again," he adds, making me laugh.

I sit up straight and pet Luna. "Okay, sure, if it's not too much trouble."

"Of course not."

"Here. Let me get the leash."

I place Luna down on the ground and stand up. I walk over to the coat closet and take the leash out. As soon as she sees it, she runs over to me and jumps excitedly.

I clasp the leash onto her collar and hand it over to Harry when he walks up to us. I take out a plastic bag from the closet and hand it to him.

"And this, just in case."

He playfully sticks out his tongue in disgust as he puts the plastic bag in his pocket.

Luna faces the front door, her ears perked up and her tail wagging back and forth. Harry takes a step towards me and gives me a quick kiss.

"Go get ready. We'll be right back."

I smile and nod at him and wait until he's out the door before I go to my room to get ready. I try to push the feeling of guilt out of my head as I do, still surprised at how understanding Harry is with all of this.

The entire time I change and put on some makeup, I start to really think about everything.

I know that things were good when we talked on the phone but there was a small part of me that was expecting him to start getting angry with me for what I did.

Who knows? Maybe he'll get angry when we finally start talking about everything. Maybe he'll yell at me and tell me that I was stupid for wanting to take a break. Maybe he'll finally break up with me.

I grip the dresser in front of me, trying to control my breathing as I feel my lungs cave in. This is all too good to be true. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve Harry being this understanding and forgiving.

I struggle to breathe, my hands shaking as I close my eyes and try to get a grasp on my thoughts and emotions. I can't. All I can think about is how this is all going to turn out, how it's just all going to blow up in my face as I get what I deserve from what I did.

It was near the end of the break that I realized something, something that I tried to deny as strong as I could.

I didn't need a break from Harry. What I needed was him to be there for me in any way that he can, just like he said he would. I know Harry. Even if we didn't take a break, it wouldn't mean that we had to talk about our issues. He would still put it off until I finished school, until I finally felt ready to talk about it all. He would just be there to support me and help out in any way that I know he would. Even when he would visit me on his days off, he would just stay with me and let me focus on my schoolwork. And when I would need a break from studying, I could just forget about it for a while and relieve some stress just by looking at him.

That's what I needed. I needed him while I was stressed and overwhelmed. I needed him to show me the love that I was taking for granted.

Silent tears rush down my cheeks as I start to feel the absolute loath I feel for myself for what I've done. I've done nothing to deserve how Harry's treating me right now. I deserve the opposite. I deserve him not talking to me. I deserve him being angry with me. He deserves better than me.

I jump when I feel a pair of arms gently snake around my waist from behind but I don't need to look up to know who it is.

As he pulls me against his chest and buries his face into my neck, I only feel worse about myself. I don't deserve this.

"I don't deserve this," I say out loud this time, my voice shaking just as hard as my body is.

He tightens his arms around me but it only causes a small sob from escaping from my body.

"Harry, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you."

He carefully turns me around in his arms, making me face him but I refuse to meet his gaze. I know he's going to give me a look of sympathy, another thing I don't deserve. However, I feel his finger nudge my chin, forcing me to look up at him but I keep my eyes closed.

"Look at me."

I can feel the determination in his voice, knowing he's trying to get through to me. I know why because I don't open my eyes like he ordered me to. I only squeeze them tighter, making more tears crash down my face.

"Lily, open your eyes. Look at me."

I sniffle as I feverishly shake my head.

"Lily. Look at me, " he says more purposefully.

I continue to shake my head. "No."

I escape from his grasp and turn my back to him, carefully opening my eyes as I look down at the ground. Silence fills the room but you can feel the tension.

"Why...why are you still with me?" I whisper, unsure if he even heard me. "Why are you still putting up with me?"

"Lily--"

"You can literally have anyone else in the world, someone who will give you the love you deserve, someone who won't treat you like I have, someone who isn't selfish and won't end up hurting you. Why me? What's so special about me?"

"Lily, you know I--"

"And don't give me this shit about how perfect I am, how beautiful I am, how happy I make you because it's not true!" I snap as I finally break, forcing myself to turn around and finally look at him. "How am I making you happy when all I've done these past few weeks is hurt you? The worst part is that I knew I was hurting you but I didn't do anything about it!"

He just watches me as he stands a few feet in front of me.

"I don't deserve you, Harry, especially with how I've been treating you lately. Yeah, things may seem like they're good right now but I will always live with this guilt from now on. I won't be able to forgive myself for what I did."

Harry still remains silent even though his gaze never leaves mine.

"I wouldn't even put it past you if you left me right now," I continue. I can already feel my heart sinking as I think about that fact. "Just do it. I won't get upset. I won't get angry. I won't hate you. It's what I deserve."

My gaze falters, looking away as I prepare myself. All I can hear is the ticking of the clock and the pounding of my heart as I wait for the blow.

"You...make me fucking crazy."

I snap my head up to look at him and instantly panic when I see the clench of his jaw and the intensity in his eyes as he takes a step towards me.

I instinctively take a step back but I feel the dresser behind me, trapping me as he continues to walk up to me.

"You wanna know why I'm still with you? It's because I fucking love you. It's because I can't go one fucking second without thinking about you. It's because I can fucking imagine spending the rest of my life with you. You wanna know why I put up with you? It's because you're the only one that I can truly be myself around. It's because you're the only one that makes me genuinely fucking happy without even trying. It's because you accept me for everything that I am, even the fucked up parts. And you wanna know why I'm with you and not with any other girl? It's because if I took away the fame, the money, my looks, you're the only one that would stay around. You're the only one that would even give me a chance in the first place. You're the only one that fell in love with who I am on the inside."

He's right in front of me now, only a few inches of space in between us. His chest is heaving up and down rapidly as his breaths come out harshly from his outburst. Fresh tears fell down from my face but they were for a completely different reason now.

He reaches up and cups my face in his warm hand and closes the space in between us, leaning carefully against me.

"Don't you ever fucking question why I'm with you or why I chose you or why I love you ever again." He emphasizes, looking me dead straight in the eyes. "Ever."

He raises his eyebrows in a silent question of understanding. The strength of his words and expression had overpowered me. I could feel it crashing into my body, forcing its way into my head. I could feel the intensity of his gaze, trying to get through to me in his own way of showing me how crazy I am.

I finally force myself to nod, unable to make words come out of my mouth. Instead, I just wrap my arms around him, which he does as well without hesitation.

"And....if I'm ever stupid and break up with you, which I will never do, I want you to be upset with me. I want you to be angry at me because I know that, for whatever reason I would break up with you, I would want you to tell me how fucking crazy I am for letting you go. I want you to hate me because I would hate myself for even thinking about leaving you."

Again, all I can do is nod to reassure not only him but myself as well.

Today was a roller coaster for my emotions. It was literally up and down. But I think it's safe to say that it's going to end in a high. I know that Harry will refuse to let it end in any other way. His previous words showed that.

"And you are perfect. Perfectly imperfect. You are beautiful. So damn beautiful. And there may be days when you're being stubborn and I want to rip your head off, in the sweetest way possible," he quickly adds, making me laugh against his chest as I bury my face further into him. "But you make up for it by making me so fucking happy just being around you. Don't you ever question that, either."

I was losing the reassurance that he still loved me as much as he did before the break but all it took were a few words in impatient frustration to give me that reassurance back. All it took were a few words to give me that same feeling I had before the break, the feeling that I've been longing for these past few weeks.

It's the feeling that gets me through the day, making me feel worthy of his love and grateful and lucky to be the one that give him the same amount of love back.

********************

Yay! They're back together :) Let me know what you think! What do you think's going to happen between them now??

Raising the votes again since you guys are voting really fast lol.

50 votes and 15 comments!

PS: History is amazing. That is all.

Can't wait to hear End of the Day tomorrow!

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...