Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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129. Revelations

Harry's POV

I don't even know where I'm going. I just needed to drive to get my mind off of everything, off of her.

I don't know what to think. A part of me wants to respect her wishes and give her the space she seems to need but the other part of me wants to storm back in there and tell her that I don't agree to this stupid break.

What's she so scared of that she needs a break from us so she can focus on her school? We were doing so well so I don't know why she can't just focus on school but still be with me. I know we've been dealing with a lot of problems, especially now that she's told me everything she's dealing with but the solution isn't to take a break.

The only thing to do is to talk about it, no matter what's going on. It's not healthy to just put it off and hold onto it.

We've always said that communication is important for our relationship so why doesn't she want to talk to me about it?

I go back and forth between any and every reason why but none of them still seem to make sense. We've gotten better at communication so why the sudden decision to take a break?

Of course I'd prefer that over us actually breaking up but it's still not what I think is best for us. She kept telling me that it is but I have no idea how she thinks that us being apart, not talking, is the best for us.

I can't handle not talking to her for a whole day, how am I supposed to go weeks without talking to her?

More and more questions drown my thoughts and I just want them to stop. I just want to stop feeling confused and lost.

I just want to stop feeling hurt.

Without even realizing it, I notice that I'm heading towards my hometown. Cheshire is only 45 minutes away from Manchester so, before I know it, I'm approaching my parent's home. It's already past one in the morning but I have nowhere else to go.

I can't drive all the way back to London. I'll pass out on the way there. I don't want to stay in a hotel. It'll just give me the silence and loneliness to force me to think about Lily.

I pull up onto my parent's driveway and, just like I thought, all of the lights are out. Of course they're sleeping.

Thankfully, my mum had given me a key when they first moved here even though I insisted that it wasn't my home. She had threatened me, saying that if I don't take the key, she's going to make a copy of my house key and invite herself over any time she wanted.

I couldn't say 'no' then.

So, I get out of the car and walk up to the front door. I quietly unlock it, opening it and quickly disarming the alarm system. I close the door behind me, looking around the dark house, not hearing any sounds.

I head to the kitchen but, since I didn't want to turn on any lights, I trip over something, making me crash to the ground with a loud thud. And just to add to my luck, I knock over a lamp trying to break my fall.

Not even a second later, footsteps are heard upstairs and then a light turns on.

"Who's there?" Robin's voice yells from the second floor. "I'm calling the police!"

"No, no, no! It's me. It's Harry!" I panic, quickly getting up and walking over to the stairs. I look up with my hands in the air, seeing Robin standing at the top with my mum hiding behind him.

However, when she squints her eyes and realizes it actually is me, her eyes open wide in surprise and she walks around Robin and down the stairs towards me.

"Harry? What are you doing here?"

She stops at the last step and wraps her arms around me and I return her hug, needing a little bit of comfort right now.

"Um...can we talk about it in a bit?"

She pulls away and looks at me, worry and concern flashing in her eyes.

"Of course," she whispers, not wanting Robin to hear.

He appears behind my mum and she steps to the side to let me give him a hug.

"Harry, you scared us. We thought someone broke in." He pulls away and my mum wraps her hand around his arm.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you. I tripped over something and knocked over a lamp."

My mum smiles and shakes her head. "Clumsy as ever. No worries. We're glad you're here. Why don't I make you a cup of tea?"

I give her a small smile and nod.

"I would love to join but I've got work in the morning," Robin says. "I'll just see you tomorrow, Harry."

I nod. "Of course."

He gives my mum and kiss before he makes his way back up the stairs and disappears into their room.

"Come on, let's go talk," my mum says, grabbing my arm and guiding me to the kitchen.

I sit at the counter, watching her as she puts a kettle on the stovetop.

"So, Harry. What did you want to talk about? I'm guessing that since you're not with Lily, something happened?"

She walks over to me with two mugs, placing it in between us as she stands on the other side of the counter.

I look down as I nod. "Yeah. We, um...we're having some problems right now."

I know I shouldn't be keeping secrets from my mum but I don't want to see how she'd react if I told her about Collin. She'd be so disappointed in me. I can just tell her about everything else.

I clear my throat. "She's been so busy with school lately and I went to go see her today but she...she said that she wants to take a break. She said we're not actually breaking up. She just needs a break...from us."

My mum's hand reaches out and gently rests over mine.

"I'm sorry, love."

I finally look up at her. If there's anyone I should go to for advice, it's my mum. I trust her with everything and I've always looked up to her.

"Mum...is-is it wrong of me to be angry at her for wanting this?"

She gives me a sympathetic smile as I wait nervously for her answer. I know that she won't sugarcoat anything or lie to me just to spare my feelings. I know she'll give me the hard truth.

"Of course not, sweetie. I think it'd be wrong if you weren't upset with her for this. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have done this. I'm just saying that you have the right to feel upset, angry even. No one wants to hear from the one they love that they need a break from them."

I nod, knowing that she's right.

"What other problems are you two having?" she asks. "If you don't mind sharing with me."

I take a deep breath, remembering Lily when she was crying out every single thing that's been bothering her. "She...she's just been unable to handle all the hate. People are saying she's just using me for my money, for fame, for attention. People are sending her death threats and even accusing her of cheating on me. With Louis."

She hums. "Yeah, I saw those articles. I knew just from reading the title that it wasn't even true."

"Yeah, I told her that. But she doesn't want to talk about it with me right now. She says that she needs to focus on her school. She said that we can talk about it when she's finished this semester. Am I being selfish for thinking that taking a break isn't a good idea?"

She takes a deep breath, knowing that she's trying to word what she wants to say carefully. "Harry, do you remember what she said when you two came over for lunch last week? She said that her education is important to her. From what I can tell, she wants to do this because she wants to do well in school. I think that she's taking the hate, the things people are saying about her using you for fame and money, and I think it's just getting to her in a way that she wants to prove to everyone that that isn't true. She wants people to know that she's working hard to get what she wants out of life and not because she's with you. She wants to prove those people wrong who doubt her intentions with you." She pauses, her eyes carefully watching my expression. "Sweetie, don't think that she's taking this break because she doesn't want to be with you. Don't take this the wrong way but if she didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't be with you. The fact that she still wants you to be a part of her life while she focuses on school, it shows how important you are to her."

I guess I can see it that way but I still don't fully agree with her having to take a break from us.

"But I told her that I'd only support her through this and I'd help out any way that I can. I mean, I know that the reason she wants this is because she doesn't want to deal with our issues right now but it doesn't mean that we need to take a break."

She nods. "I understand. I'm sure she knows that you'd still be there for her but..." Her eyes flicker in between mine, a hint of nervousness flashing in her eyes. "Can I say what I think about all of this? Just from a bit of personal experience from when I was your age."

I nod. "Of course."

She takes a deep breath. "I think that she wants to take this break because she's scared."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, looking at her in puzzlement.

"Now, I'm not saying I know everything that happens in your relationship with Lily but, from personal experience, I think that she's scared to lose you. Let me explain," she says once she takes in my complete confusion. "I know that people fight in every relationship. That, I know of for sure. I think she's scared that if you two end up fighting over the problems you've been having, and add in the fact that she seems to be overly stressed with school, she's scared that she's going to say things that she's going to regret. And this is just me taking a wild guess and also a mother's intuition, but I'm guessing that you two have already experienced that."

I look away, my way of saying that she's completely right.

"No matter how much people are in love, they'll still say things that they don't mean, especially when they're under a lot of stress or...or when they're hurt. Sweetie, I'm sure she's doing all of this because she loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Seeing as how most of the problems you two have been having has to do with the hate she gets from the fans, as well as the rumours, I think she's aware that she may say things that would hurt you. And I know you're a good person, Harry, but I know how men are, especially when they're hurt. I think Lily is aware that you may say things that you'll regret, as well. And I don't think it's because she thinks that you're going to hurt her. I think that she just doesn't want you to end up having to carry that with you in the future."

I nod slowly and look away, knowing that she's still completely right. I'm finally starting to understand why Lily is doing this. I can see why she's been thinking this way. However, even with this new understanding, I still wish that I could see her every day.

"I guess I can see it that way now but...what am I supposed to do?" I look back up at her. "I can't not talk to her or see her. I can't even handle not being able to talk to her for even just one day."

She gives me another sympathetic smile. "I know, Harry. I know how much you love her. You're a strong person. I know you'll be able to handle this. You're just going to have to take it day by day. Who knows, maybe she'll change her mind before the semester ends. Maybe she'll change her mind tomorrow. No one knows but all you can do is just let your love for her keep you strong until that day. You're going to have to respect her decision right now. You don't want to do anything that will just push her away, especially with how she's feeling right now."

I nod, even though I wish she had told me to go back to Manchester and tell Lily that I don't want this break.

Suddenly, the kettle starts whistling. My mum turns around and uses an oven mitt to grab the kettle, bringing it back to the counter. She pours steaming hot water into the two mugs, placing the kettle back on the stove before taking two tea bags from the cupboard.

I watch her as she places the tea bags into each mug, handing one over to me. I look down and watch as the tea leaves colour the water, the steam coming out and fanning over my face as I dip the bag in and out of the water.

"I, um...I was really angry at her and I kind of stormed off after she told me about the break. She doesn't want me to talk to her but I don't want her to think that I'm mad. Or technically, still mad. I want her to know that I...kind of understand now. How am I supposed to tell her?"

She shrugs slightly. "I could tell her for you but I don't want to get in between you two. But I know you, Harry. I know you'll think of something."

I give her a small smile and nod. "Yeah. I...I'll think of something."

"I know it may not have been what you wanted to hear but I just want you to know that Lily's doing this because she loves you. It's not because she thinks that school is more important than you are to her. Just like you with your career, she just needs to put her school first right now. It doesn't mean she cares any less about you."

"I know, mum. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but it really did make me feel better about all of this. I honestly thought she didn't want to be with me anymore."

She walks around the counter and wraps her arms around me. "You know that's not true. You two are made for each other. A mum knows when the right one comes along for her own son. Like I said, I knew from the beginning."

I smile. "Thanks, mum. I love you."

"I love you, too. Now go take a shower. You stink."

I laugh, pulling away from her. "Sorry, I just came from a show."

"No excuses." She laughs and shakes her head. "But really, take a shower and head to bed. I'm sure you're tired."

I nod. "Thank you, again, for talking about all of this. Sorry for keeping you up."

She shakes her head, giving me a warm smile. "You never have to apologize for anything like that. I'd do anything for you. No matter what, you can always come to me for anything."

I stand up and give her a kiss on her cheek, wrapping my arms around her. "Same for you, okay? Well, I'd prefer if you called before you appear on my doorstep."

My mum pulls away and pinches my arm.

"Ouch!" I whisper-shout, rubbing the sore spot.

"Don't talk to your mother like that. I will appear at your doorstep any time I want to."

I roll my eyes with a smile, one that she returns.

"Now go upstairs and shower before I make you clean the house like before."

I give her a salute. "Yes, ma'am."

We both grab our tea and I follow her as she goes upstairs. I give her a good night kiss on her cheek before she goes back to her room. I walk down to my own room, opening it and stepping inside. I turn on the light and my eyes immediately go to my bed, the bed that Lily and I were fooling around on just last week.

I place my tea on the dresser and then I pat my pockets down, realizing that I don't have my phone. I must've left it in the car, so I go back downstairs, out of the front and towards my car. I open the door and find my phone in the cup holder.

Of course I check it but when I turn it on, I only have texts from Niall.

I close the door and I'm about to go back inside but something in the back seat catches my eye. I walk over to the back door and I look inside. I immediately open it and just look down at it.

It's Marshmallow.

I always bring it with me, no matter where I go. I don't give it a second thought when I reach over and grab him. Deciding to take my bag as well, I bring them both with me as I go back inside the house.

I go back up to my room, placing the bag on the floor by the foot of my bed. I place Marshmallow against the pillow before I go to my bathroom and take a shower. I change into just a pair of new boxers and brush my teeth, finally feeling my tiredness hit me.

I go underneath the covers and hug Marshmallow by my side as I grab my phone. Ever since Lily had told me about all the hate she's been getting, I've been curious as to how bad it really is.

I go to my Twitter and search her name. I see a few nice tweets, saying that Lily seems to be making me happy. They say that the fact that she's still in school shows that she's not just using me. They say that she seems like a nice girl and that she doesn't deserve the hate.

These are the fans that I love. These are the fans that I'm proud of. I decide to make their day with just a simple click of their 'follow' button. I wish I could thank each and every one of them personally but I'm sure this will make them happy enough.

I know that these few sweet tweets were nice to see but when I start reading more and more frequent hateful ones, I knew that I was speaking too soon.

Lily doesn't deserve Harry. She's done nothing in her life to deserve him

Lily wants to become a singer. No wonder she's using Harry

Lily went from nothing to being Harry's "girlfriend" and getting all these pretty things while driving around in his car. Signs of a gold digger

Lily is just shoving it in every Harry girls' face that she's with him. She's purposely hurting us

First she makes Harry fall in love with her and now she's messing around with his BEST FRIEND. What a whore

Harry's mine. Lily needs to disappear. Can someone arrange that for me?

As I read more and more, I feel myself getting angrier. Some tweets make me want to throw up in disgust. I'm mostly disappointed at these people but I'm mostly worried about how all of them made Lily feel when she read this.

I didn't think they were this bad. I honestly thought they would just be upset over me having a girlfriend. I didn't think that they would be attacking her when they don't even know her. This must be why she's been feeling horrible.

I can't believe the people that claim that they love me, that they want me to be happy, are hurting the one person that makes me the happiest in the world.

I know that Lily is one of the strongest people I know but I know that no one would be able to handle that, especially when it's all new to you.

Now that I've seen all of this, I just want nothing more than to comfort her. I want to hold her and have her look me straight in the eyes as I tell her not to believe that shit. I want her to know that she nothing like what those hateful tweets say. She's far from it.

I want her to know that I think that she's the sweetest, funniest, kindest, most charming, most beautiful girl I know. She's perfect and she doesn't deserve one horrible thing being said about her.

And now, with me angry and upset with her when I left, she must think that I don't care about the things she's been going through. I was so busy thinking that she wanted to take a break from me because of the whole Collin thing or that school was the only thing that she wanted to focus on that I didn't even take a second to try to understand how she was taking all the hate.

I feel like a complete idiot now.

I have no idea what she must be going through right now. Is she sleeping soundly or are her thoughts keeping her up? Did she cry herself to sleep?

I want nothing more than to call her and tell her that I love her but, like my mum said, I don't want to push her away. If I call her and bring up the hate that she's getting, she'll probably just get upset with me for talking to her when she told me not to. She'll hang up and things will be worse. Things will be worse and who knows what's going to happen afterwards.

I understand why she's doing this now but now, I'm scared, too.

I'm scared of what's going to happen now that I've accepted this "break". As much as I don't want to do this, I know that I have to. I have to show her that I love her and that I'll do anything just to let her know that I do care about her and how she's feeling.

I just wish that I could tell her all of this. I want her to know that I understand why she thinks this is the best for us. I know that she thinks that it'll be easier if we didn't talk during this break but if I could have one thing out of this, it would be for me to able to tell her that I love her every single day.

As I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling trying to think of ways to tell her this, I come up with nothing. My eyes start to droop and as I turn to my side and hug Marshmallow tighter, smelling Lily's perfume that I sprayed on him this morning, I come up with something.

I don't know if it'll work or if it'll upset her but it's the best thing I can think of.

I look at Marshmallow and think it over and over. There's nothing else that comes to mind to tell her what I want to say to her. I know this is my only chance.

“She said that we couldn’t talk but that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to her, right?” I know I look like an idiot right now talking to a stuffed bear but I don’t care. I’m desperate to do anything to get my message to Lily.

I really hope this works. It’s my only chance.

*************************

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