Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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20. Regrets

Lily’s POV

I gulp as I turn off the engine. Harry’s piercing gaze never leaves mine and it makes me uncomfortable and scared at the same time. Niall looks at me and follows my gaze, finally noticing Harry.

“Oh, he’s here already?” he says.

I whip my head towards him.

“What?” I ask.

He looks at me with worry and confusion before he starts to look uncomfortable, probably noticing how uncomfortable I was feeling.

“Oh, um. Harry texted me where I was once we left the store so I told him I was with you. He said he was going to join us. Did…did you not want him to?”

I close my eyes, already growing anxious about what’s going to happen once I get out of the car and talk to Harry.

“No, no. It’s fine. I just wish you could’ve warned me.”

He should’ve warned me ahead of time because now I have no idea how to explain to Harry why I declined his offer to help my grocery shopping and then he finds out that I’m with Niall. And now he’s here and he sees the two of us together.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind.” Niall’s voice is filled with guilt and embarrassment.

I open my eyes and look back at him.

“No, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.” I give him a reassuring smile and he instantly relaxes.

But now my nerves are starting to intensify as I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door, looking back at Harry, who’s still looking at me with a heated gaze.

I get out of the car and I hear Niall doing the same.

“Hey, Harry,” he says. Harry just gives him a nod before he turns back to me. “I’ll start grabbing the bags.” Niall goes to the back of the car and opens the trunk.

I slowly start to walk up to Harry, preparing myself to explain to him what happened. Harry follows my movements and once I reach him and open my mouth to explain, he pushes himself off of his car and walks past me.

“I’ll help you bring the bags up,” he says with a monotone voice. I stand frozen in my spot, shocked by Harry’s actions. When I first saw him as I drove into the parking garage, I knew that he would be upset or even angry, but now, after he walked past me without even saying hello, I knew for sure.

I take a deep breath, composing myself. I turn around and head over to the back of the car to help them carry the rest of the bags up. They’re still getting as many of the bags that they can so I stand beside Harry and do the same. One of the bags that I’m about to grab contains two cartons of milk and once Harry notices how much I’m struggling with it, he takes it from my hand.

“I’ll take this. Just get the last one there.” He avoids looking at me but he nods he head towards the last bag sitting in the trunk. The bag only contains a couple of bags of bread.

Even though it’s evident that Harry is upset or angry, he’s still the gentleman he is by carrying the heavier bags for me. It’s relieves me a tiny bit but I know that I’m not off the hook yet. I know that the only reason he won’t talk to me about this is because Niall’s here.

I know that once we’re alone, he’ll have something to say. I can tell that he’s holding it back.

I close the trunk and lock the car before I lead the way to the elevator, no one speaking. Niall can probably sense that something’s wrong seeing as how me and Harry haven’t said anything to each other, other than when Harry took the heavy bag from me.

We step into the elevator, an incredibly awkward silence filling the small space. You can actually feel the tension. The ride up to Ed’s floor seems to last hours before the elevator stops and the doors slide open. Once again, I lead the way to the door. I open it and I walk straight to the kitchen to put the bags down. Harry and Niall do the same and I turn to them once they do.

“Thanks for helping. You guys probably saved me three extra trips.” I try to lighten the mood but fail as Niall seems to force a laugh and Harry doesn’t even smile.

Niall seems like he can’t handle the tension anymore so he takes a deep breath.

“Well, I’m gonna head off. I have to meet up with Liam in a bit. See you guys later.” He nods at Harry and I give him a smile. He turns around and heads out of the kitchen. I follow him to the door and I notice that Harry follows but stays at the kitchen door.

“Thanks for today, Niall. I really appreciate it.” I didn’t know how else to thank him for today to make it sound as innocent as I could. I know that Harry can hear and I know that he’s most likely misinterpreting what I said.

Niall glances between me and Harry before he turns to me with a small smile. He nods.

“No worries. Hope they don’t bother you anymore.”

I just smile and nod before he turns around and opens the door. He waves before he heads down the hallway. I close the door behind him, feeling Harry’s burning gaze on my back.

I turn around and see him in the same spot, watching me. I slowly walk up to him and stop a few feet in front of him.

I don’t know why I’m so scared, it’s not like I did anything wrong. I brush off the nervousness that I was feeling, hoping that Harry will realize that I have nothing to be guilty about.

Even though I know what he’s feeling and thinking right now, he should let me explain before he makes assumptions. Today’s events were out of my control and I didn’t like that Harry was holding it over me right now. I try to seem unaffected by his attitude and look back at him.

I wait for him to say something but he doesn’t. I roll my eyes and walk past him.

“Hello to you, too, Harry.”

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m letting him have the upper hand. I did nothing wrong and I am more than willing to explain everything but he just continues to mope and make it seem like I’m the bad person here. I experienced that enough when I was with Marcus.

I walk into the kitchen and I can hear Harry following closely behind me. I start to put away the groceries, ignoring Harry. He leans against the counter, watching me until I put away the last bag. He remains silent the whole time and I’m about to go into the living room when he stands in front of the door, blocking my way.

“I think there’s something that we need to talk about,” he says, his face remaining hard.

“Okay.” I raise my eyebrows at him, waiting for him to speak first. He wants to talk about something, he can start.

He seems to grow impatient and a hint of annoyance appears on his features before he closes his eyes, trying to compose himself.

“Lily. Please don’t make this difficult.”

“Me? How am I making this difficult?” The tone of my voice is laced with disbelief. I know that I had to explain but he shouldn’t be putting everything on me.

“So you don’t want to tell me why you blew me off and then you hang out with Niall?”

Annoyance fills my body. I knew he would misunderstand what happened. The least he could do was let me explain. I take a step back, I didn’t trust myself this close to him.

“If you let me explain, you’d know that I went to the store by myself this morning and Niall happened to be there.”

I can see him relax for a second but I know that he’s not going to give up so easily. I know that he doesn’t want to be the one that was wrong in the end.

“And you decided to hang out with him afterwards? I thought you said you were busy today. Or were you only busy for me?”

I can’t believe him. He’s blowing this way out of proportion. He’s making something out of nothing.

I scoff. “There you go making assumptions again.”

Right now, I feel like he doesn’t even deserve an explanation anymore. But I had to or it’d just make things worse and that’s not what I want.

“Niall only came with me because he wanted to make sure that I was okay.” Curiousity appears on his features. “There was a man there taking pictures of me and he was blocking my way to the car. And, thankfully, Niall was there to help me. I would’ve accepted help from a complete stranger if it meant I would’ve escaped that man. I was scared, Harry.”

Harry’s features soften immensely at my last words. He takes a step towards me but I take a step back. This conversation wasn’t done yet.

“I shouldn’t have to explain myself like this. You should trust me. You think that after last night, I’d blow you off and spend time with someone else, with one of your best friends? I have more class than that, Harry.” I pause, thinking over what I was about to say next. “You think that I’d cheat on you?”

Harry looks at me with guilt.

“No, that’s not what I think.”

“Then why are you angry with me?”

“I’m not angry.” I could tell he was lying.

I roll my eyes. “Oh, so this is just you acting romantic to me. How sweet.” I give him a wry smile and walk past him. He follows me into the living room. I start cleaning up.

“Well, I’m sorry for feeling like shit when you made up excuses not to see me and then next thing I know, you’re hanging out with one of my friends.”

I turn around and face him. “You don’t get it, do you?” I exclaim, throwing my hands up in the air. “You don’t understand that you need to trust me. We’re in a relationship now. What more do you need to know that I would never cheat on you or that I would never make you think that I don’t want to spend time with you? Do you need me to be with you 24/7? Do you need me to tell you where I am and who I’m with every second of every day? That’s not how relationships work, Harry. At least not the ones that I want to be in. So I’m sorry for wanting a little bit of space and a little time for myself.”

His face hardens again. “So that’s why you didn’t want to see me today? I ask you to be my girlfriend and this is what I get? I’m sorry for wanting to spend some time with my new girlfriend. I thought that that’s what people do in relationships, they spend time together. You want space then I’ll give you space. I’ll give you all the space that you need.”

He walks past me and heads over to the door. I turn around and watch him, tears brimming my eyes.

“That’s not what I meant when I said I needed space, Harry.” He stops in his tracks and turns around.

“So what did you mean? We start this new relationship and then you tell me that you want space. What is that supposed to make me think? Please tell me right now what you want because I don’t want to waste any more time with this if you feel like you want space.”

I look at him with bemusement and hurt. How dare he think that. After everything we went through, this is what he makes of our relationship.

I feel the tears threatening to spill over but I know better than to show weakness right now.

“So you think this is a waste of time?” My jaw tenses as I stare at him with a hard look.

He groans and runs his hand through his hair roughly. “That’s not what I meant! Don’t twist my words.”

“Well, that’s what you did when I said that I wanted some space. What I meant when I said that I need space is that I need space at this moment. I didn’t mean that I need space for the entire relationship. And how do you think it makes me feel when I hear you say that you think that you’re wasting your time with us? Is it because I won’t go public with you? I told you how I felt about that right now and I thought that you understood that. So you think this is a waste of time? Then I won’t waste anymore of your time. I think you should leave.” I gesture to the door and I avoid looking at him.

Do I really want him to leave though? I could be making a big mistake right now but I was just overwhelmed with everything. I never thought it would lead to this and I’m afraid that it will get worse if I don’t end this fight right now. I think that the both of us just need some time to think things through. The fact that we already had a big fight the day after we agreed to be together scares me. If this is how things are now, how are things going to be further on in this relationship?

“Is that what you want?” He pauses and I look up at him. “You want me to leave?”

Tears are brimming his eyes just like mine are. I remain silent as we continue to look at each other, begging the other one to say something. Anything.

Too much has been said right now and I think it’d be best for the both of us to just take a step back and think over what was said. At least for me, I knew that I needed to think this through and sleep over it. It’s been a long day and everything that happened today has drained me.

But I didn’t want him to leave.

So I answered him as truthfully as I could right now.

“I…I don’t know what I want right now.” My gaze falters as I see hurt flash in his eyes.

However, when I look back up at him, the hurt is replaced with annoyance and anger.

“You should’ve thought of that before I wasted my time thinking that you wanted to be with me.”

The tears are now falling. “I want to be with you, Harry. I do. I just…so much shit has happened to me and I just need some time to see how I’m supposed to handle all of this. I don’t know how to be in a relationship anymore because I thought I had it all figured out in my last relationship. I’m sorry that I’m not going at the same pace as you are with this but I just want to tread into this slowly and not let myself dive headfirst into something that I have no idea what I’m getting into.”

He takes a step towards me but I hold my hand up in front of me, stopping him. I open my mouth to say something but I’m interrupted by my phone ringing. I wipe the tears from my face as I take out my phone from my back pocket. I look at the caller ID and see Ed’s name.

I quickly answer and put the phone up to my ear.

“Hey, Ed.” I try to make my voice sound normal.

Hey, are you alright? You sound like you’re crying.

I guess I can’t hide it from Ed.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just watching Titanic. You know how much that movie gets me.” I add a small laugh at the end and luckily, Ed couldn’t tell that I faked it.

Harry looks at me the entire time and I avoid his gaze.

So you’re back from the grocery store?

“Yeah, I’m back now.”

Alright. Just wanted to make sure you made it back okay.

“Yeah, I’m fine. What time are you going to be home?”

I should be home around 4. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.

“Alright. See you then.”

See you.

I hang up the phone and put it back in my pocket before I look back at Harry but he’s looking down at the ground. Silence fills the room that now feels like it’s getting smaller and smaller.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Harry.”

He whips his head up to look at me. He remains silent.

“I think we both need to take some time and think things through and we can talk about it tomorrow.”

He seems to grow worried and I’m tempted to walk up to him and rid him of his worries. But I know that I’m the one that causing all of this trouble so I know that it will be contradicting to do that.

He walks up to me and I don’t stop him this time. A part of me is hoping that he’ll kiss me and stop this. And every step that he takes closer to me, I start to think that this fight was stupid and that it could have ended differently. That it could have turned out better.

But he surprises me when he stops right in front of me and slowly leans in to leave a soft kiss on my forehead.

He doesn’t say a word and neither do I. Harry lingers in front of me for a few more seconds before he turns around and leaves.

**

I wake up from a restless night of tossing and turning before I turn onto my back to stare at the ceiling. The entire night, I stared at my phone, waiting for a text, anything, anything from Harry. But nothing came. A few times, I was tempted to call him but I wouldn’t even know what to say. I told him that I would talk to him tomorrow. Plus, he was probably sleeping.

The more that the night passed, the more that I realized how much I regret what happened last night. I know that we were both at fault, that both of us said things that I’m more than certain that we both regret saying, but I know that I could have done anything, said anything to fix it. I could have said something to end the fight and we could have made up.

But I didn’t.

And I don’t know why.

I just want to talk to him now. I want to tell him that I didn’t mean what I said last night when I said that I didn’t know what I want. I know what I want and what I want is him.

But what if I ruined everything? What if what I said hurt Harry more than he showed last night? He did kiss me on my forehead before he left. But what did it mean?

Did he kiss me to let me know that he would still be here for me after the fight or did he kiss me because he thought that things were over and it was his way of saying goodbye?

Is that why he didn’t call me last night? Is that why he still hasn’t called me? It’s almost noon and still no word from Harry.

I shook my head from those scary thoughts and sat up in bed.

Maybe he’s waiting for me to call him.

Yeah, that’s probably why.

I mean, I was the one that said that I would talk to him so maybe he thinks that I will be the one to call him first.

I decide to take a shower first before I call him. So I go into the bathroom to take a quick shower. I brush my teeth and blow dry my hair before I go back into my room. I change into a pair of dark blue leggings and a grey sleeveless crop top. I straighten my hair and put on some makeup before I put on my combat boots. I grab my phone and I’m about to call Harry but then I hear sounds from the TV coming from the living room.

I probably shouldn’t call Harry when Ed’s just outside the room. I guess it’ll have to wait.

I sigh before I leave the room and head to the living room to see Ed watching TV. I sit down beside him and rest my feet on his lap.

“Hey, wanna go to the guitar shop with me? I need to get some new strings,” Ed asks.

“Um, yeah, sure.” I guess calling Harry will have to wait a bit longer.

“Alright, well, let’s go.” He slaps my legs and pushes it off. “We’ll grab lunch along the way.”

I stand up and grab my purse and my phone before I follow Ed out the door.

**

Ed is talking to one of the people working at the guitar shop so I decide to go to the area where a whole wall of acoustic guitars are hanging. I practically drool as I scan the rows and rows of beautiful guitars.

The one that I have back home is just a cheap one that was passed down to me from my uncle. I’m grateful for it but there are scratches and dents and some of the paint is chipping off. I walk along the wall until I stop at one that catches my eye.

It’s Martin guitar and it’s absolutely beautiful. I carefully take it from the hooks and sit down on one of the stools. I rest the guitar on my lap and I start to play quietly. The sounds coming out of the guitar is so much clearer and more rich than the sound that comes from my guitar.

“You like that guitar?”

I stop playing and look up to see Ed smiling at me. I smile back at him.

“I love it. This is my dream guitar.” I look back at the guitar and strum a couple more times before I stand up and put it back to its proper place. “You found the strings you need?”

He nods and holds up a box of guitar strings. “Yup. Let’s go?

I nod and we head of out the shop.

“Oh. Niall called and told us to go over to his place. There’s a football game on but he’s inviting everyone,” he says.

“Oh. Sure. Yeah, that’s fine with me.”

Will Harry be there?

Of course he’ll be there.

What’s going to happen when I get there? Will he want to talk to me? Will I be brave enough to talk to him? I knew I shouldn’t have put off calling him but there was nothing I could do. I guess I’ll just have to wait until I see him to see what happens.

**

Harry’s POV

“Hey, Harry?”

I look over and see Niall putting chips into a bowl.

“Yeah?”

“Um…things are okay with you and Lily, right?”

The drink that I’m about to bring up to my mouth stops midway as I look back at Niall. He doesn't look back at me but he seems to notice my uneasiness.

He finally looks at me when seconds pass by with no response coming from me.

“It’s just…I kind of sensed something before I left Ed’s place yesterday. I just wanted to make sure.”

I look away. “Uh…yeah, we’re fine. Why?”

I don’t know why he’s asking about the two of us but I know he has a reason.

“Well, I invited Ed over and he said he was with Lily so I told him to bring her. I mean, I would’ve invited her anyways since the rest of the girls are here. I just wanted to make sure that it was okay with you.”

I look back at him and give him the best smile I could put on. “Yeah, it’s perfectly fine. Me and Lily are okay.”

He seems to believe me as he smiles before he grabs the bowl of chips. “Great. They should be here soon. I’ll bring these out to everyone.”

He turns around and leaves me alone in the kitchen.

I knew that there would be a small chance that Niall would invite her today but I wasn’t sure if she would agree to come.

She hasn’t called me today and I’m beginning to think that she doesn’t want to talk anymore. I know I said some things last night that I regret saying and I just want to apologize and explain everything.

But then I remember the words that had been taunting me throughout the night, even in my dreams.

I don’t know what I want right now.

What did she mean? Does she not want to be with me anymore?

I really hope that’s not true. I want to be with her more than anything right now. Of course I didn’t mean it when I said that I was wasting my time with her. I cherish every second we spend together.

I wish I said that to her last night instead.

I just need to take this opportunity to make things right with her when she gets here. I want to make things good between us again. I want to see her smile. I want to be the one to make her smile. I want to hold her and kiss her.

Even though we wouldn’t even be able to do that in front of everyone, I just want to know that I’d have the chance to when we’re alone.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts and I whip my head up towards the hallway when I hear the front door open, followed by a blend of multiple voices. I heard a few squeals, definitely coming from the girls and I slowly make my way out.

I walk down the hallway and head to the living room. Ed is the first one I see so I greet him and give him a hug. We pull away and I look over his shoulder and see Lily talking with the girls. I see Eleanor nudge her and flick her head towards me before Lily turns her head around and meets my gaze.

We stare at each other for a few seconds before her lips slowly pull up into a small smile. That small smile still made my stomach flip and a smile immediately appears on my own face. She looks away when Niall goes up to her to hand her a drink. Niall gives Ed a drink and both of them head over to the couches and sit down with the rest of the guys. The girls sit down in the dining room right beside the living room and they are already deep in conversation.

I decide to join the guys and sit down beside Liam. My eyes are on the TV but my mind is elsewhere. Specifically on Lily.

I’m growing antsy as I sit here. I just want to go over to her and ask her to talk in private. I just want to talk to her.

An hour goes by and the guys start to talk once I realize that he game has gone into halftime.

Lily still hasn’t talked to me.

Has she changed her mind? Does she not want to talk to me anymore?

I sneak a glance over my shoulder and I see her still talking with the girls. But then they stand up and they join us in the living room and the other girls sit down beside their boyfriends. The only empty seat left is between me and Ed and Lily walks over and carefully sits down. I notice that she sits closer to Ed.

She pulls her knees up in front of her and takes out her phone. At first, I think that she’s going to send me a text but then I tense up when I see her getting a new message from…

Marcus.

 

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This chapter is dedicated to Lallypop , go check out her story called "How It All Began"!

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SOOOOOO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE!!!!

I've been busy with school :( I'll try to write the next chapter soon.

So anyways, please like and comment! What did you think of this chapter? What do you think is going to happen next?

Still doing shoutouts so whoever has the best comment will get one.

Follow me on twitter and IG @sheeriostyles

Talk to me on kik, my username is livelaughlove47

Thanks for reading :)

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