Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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133. Promise

Lily's POV

"Did you want more?"

I look over at Harry as he holds out the container of Chinese food. We had decided to just stay in and order takeout instead of going out, knowing that the both of us were tired and lazy.

I give him a smile and shake my head. "No, thank you. I'm full."

He places the container on the coffee table and moves to sit closer to me on the floor of the living room where we decided to eat.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "You've been kinda quiet."

I look up at him and see his eyes carefully watching mine. I didn't think he would notice that I've been zoning out while we ate, even when he would try to make conversation with me. I know that what he said to me during my breakdown was reassuring but I still feel a little bit of guilt inside of me that I can't seem to shake off.

I force a smile on my face and nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired."

My gaze falters when I see his eyes searching mine, knowing that he's reading me. Even without looking into my eyes, I know that he'll be able to read me like an open book.

"I know there's something else bothering you. Even when you're tired, you're not this quiet."

I sigh and meet his gaze, knowing that I can't ever hide anything from him. "I...I guess I just haven't forgiven myself yet for what I did to you. You may have forgiven me but I can't seem do that for myself. I...I don't know if I ever can. I hurt you, Harry. I intentionally hurt you. I promised I would never do that."

He sighs as he pulls me closer to him, resting his arm on the couch behind us and brushing his fingers through my hair. "Look, I know that we both wish that we can take those five weeks back but we can't. Yes, I was hurt but I would rather it be me than you. Eventually, I understood why you wanted to take a break. I actually went to my mum that night and she was able to reassure me that it may actually have been good for us, or at least better. I would do anything to stop you from getting hurt. If that meant that we had to take a break then I would accept it. You don't need to feel guilty about it, at least anymore. It's over now. We're here, right now. I want you here, too."

He must realize that I'm not fully myself right now. With the crazy week I had for school and with the entire break, and now these past couple of hours with Harry, it's been difficult to go back to my normal self. I haven't been myself since the break started. As I come to this realization, I realize something else.

"I'm happiest when I'm being myself and I'm myself when I'm with you," I recite out loud.

Harry had said this to me when he confessed every single reason why he was in love with me that night of Perrie's birthday party.

I realize now that I haven't been myself because Harry and I were apart and we didn't speak to each other for five weeks. As I come to this, I feel the power behind it. I never realized that I would lose myself if I'm not with Harry, at least for a long period of time.

I realize that I was never truly myself, never truly happy during these past five weeks. The only time I think I came close to it was when I picked up Luna from the shelter. Even then, I wasn't fully happy because I should've been doing that with Harry.

There's some fear that comes with this realization, the fact that if I'm away from Harry, I lose a part of myself. Shouldn't that be a bad thing, that my happiness depends on being with Harry?

Others would be afraid of that dependence but I realize that I'm not. I realize that I can let that be my guide to finally be myself again now that Harry's here.

Now that Harry's here, I can finally be here just like he wants.

He smiles at me as he seems to remember the words I had just spoke to him.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I know I'm not myself right now but I know I will be now that you're here. I know that may be strange..." I trail off, realizing how embarrassing that is.

"Hey, it's not strange. At all. I...I haven't been myself lately, either. Ask any of the lads. 'I'm happiest when I'm being myself and I'm myself when I'm with you'. I remember saying that to you. I meant it then and it's still true now. The fact that it's true for you, too, it only means that we truly are meant for each other. I know that sounds cheesy as hell but it's true. Being away from each other, this time for a break, it shows that we still belong together. It shows that no one else will be able to give each other the kind of happiness that we experience only with each other. It shows that we're only truly ourselves when we're together. If we're not ourselves without each other, I know that it'd be impossible with anyone else. Both of us are having a hard time going to that place we were before the break and I know that we're both not ourselves right now but we will be. We went five weeks without talking or seeing each other. I think we're just not used to this right now. We'll get there. I promise."

He's right. He's 100% right. I guess this is what's been bothering me. I felt like things would change between us because of the break. I mean, technically, it did, but I realize that it's for the better. We've gone through another obstacle that only strengthened us. It showed us that we truly are meant for each other, genuinely meant for each other.

As I realize this, I remember something else that Harry had said earlier that I've been meaning to bring up.

"Did you mean it? When you said that you can imagine spending the rest of your life with me?"

His eyes soften as his smile widens slightly. "Of course I did. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you the moment that I fell in love with you. It hit me hard. It really did. I still remember the exact moment that I did. It was the night before I first told you that I loved you, the night before Ed found out about us. After I had told you all of the things that I've never done with any other person, I realized that I wanted you to be the one that I'm with for every other thing that I've never done. Ever since, I've been lucky enough to have some of that with you. I mean, you've been the only girl who's stayed over at my house. You're the only one who's driven my car and my motorcycle. I don't know what you think but I think that's pretty special right there."

I laugh softly, never taking my eyes off of his as I wait for him to continue.

"You're the only one I've truly settled down with," he says. "All of the other relationships I've had, I never felt anything special with them. I never felt the need to go to them when I need someone to talk to. I never thought about the future with them. I never thought about them constantly like I do with you. You're the only one I brought home to my parents, to my sister. You're the only one I've brought on tour with me. You're the only one I've sang a song to at one of my shows. There are so many things I've done with you that I've never done with anyone else and that only made me realize that I want to spend the rest of my life doing that. With you."

He stops to wipe away a tear that had fallen down my cheeks.

"And if being able to do that means that I have to have you walk down that aisle and marry me then I'll do it."

My heart bursts in my chest as tears fall furiously down my face. Harry's eyes had started to water and it only made me cry harder.

"I know we're too young to even think about marriage right now and I'm sorry if you think that I'm proposing to you but I know that'll be down the future and I'm going to wait for the right moment, when the both of us are ready. I guess what I'm trying to get out of this is that...I promise myself to you. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with you and I promise to give that to the both of us."

I see him glance down at his ring around my neck. "I know that it may be cheap of me but I guess we can just look at my ring as a promise ring. I mean, it's held a special meaning to the both of us so I can't imagine anything else being a stronger symbol of my promise."

His eyes dart back up to me and he gives me a sheepish grin.

"Here I am practically proposing to you and I don't even know if you're silently freaking out on the inside. Am I totally scaring you right now?"

I shake my head feverishly. "No. No, you're not scaring me. I...I want that, too. I want to walk down that aisle and marry you one day. I know we still have a long way to go before we even consider it but we don't need a marriage license to define us. I'm just happy right now with what we have. I mean, it could happen next year or ten years from now but I don't want you to feel pressured to do it. I know we'll both know when the time is right."

"Don't worry. I don't think it'll be a year from now but I know that I definitely won't be able to wait ten years to marry you."

My smile widens and so does his.

"I'd drag you down that aisle with me if I have you," he adds.

I laugh with him. "And I'd happily let you drag me down that aisle if it meant I'd be Mrs. Styles."

"'Mrs. Styles'. I like that. Can I call you that now?"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Um, no. There'll be articles all over the internet on our secret wedding by tomorrow morning."

He laughs. "Very true."

I smile at him before he leans in and places his lips on mine. I take my hand and rest it on the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

"One day," he mumbles against my lips. "One day I'll get to call you that when it's real."

**

"I have something for you."

I look up and see Harry joining me on my bed with a massive gift bag in his hand.

"Actually, it's a few things. I was supposed to give this to you when I got back from South America but...I didn't get a chance to."

I know he's talking about the day that our break started but I can't bring myself to bring it up just like I can tell that he can't do, either.

He just takes a deep breath and places the bag in front of me with a smile on his face.

"Harry, what's this?" I ask, getting slightly excited.

"It's nothing extravagant. They're just little things I picked up while I was travelling that I thought you'd like."

I look at him and down to the bag and then back to him.

"Open it," he says, nodding at the bag.

I nervously grab it and open the top, looking inside and seeing a bunch of things wrapped in giftwrap. I take out one of them and hold it in front of me.

"Wonderful wrapping job, babe."

I see the wrinkly, uneven wrapping paper and the many strips of tape of many different lengths all around it.

"That's actually Niall. Mine was far worse than that."

I laugh as I look up at him. I lean forward and give him a quick kiss before I look down at the rectangular box-shaped object in my hands. I carefully open it and see a jewelry box. My jaw drops slightly and look at Harry.

"I thought you said it wasn't anything extravagant."

"It's not," he says. "Just...open it and you'll see."

I sigh before I carefully pull the lid from the box. All I can see are two rows of the most intricate rings I've ever seen.

"They weren't expensive. I bought them from street vendors and I wanted to get at least one from each country that I went to." He points to the first one. "This one is from Chile. These two are from Brazil. These are from Argentina. And that one's from Uruguay."

"They're beautiful, Harry."

Some of them are gold. Some are silver. Some have stones on them but a couple just have intricate swirlings of the metal. I take one of the ones from Brazil and place it on my middle finger.

"Thank you, Harry. I love them."

I place the box neatly on the bed before I lean over and give him another kiss.

"You're very welcome. Now open the next gift."

By now, I'm feeling more excited than guilty that he bought be stuff. I reach my hand in the bag and take out the next box. It's another rectangular object but it's slightly heavier and wider. I already have a good guess as to what it is before I even open it and when I do, I realize that I'm right.

It's a journal. It's leather-bound with a piece of yarn twisted around it to keep it closed.

"Look on the inside cover."

I look curiously at the book as I untie the string and open the front cover. I look at the bottom as see my name engrave in gold ink.

I gasp. "Harry, this is amazing."

I flip through the journal, seeing the tea-coloured pages that I love to write in the most.

I close it back up and hug it to my chest as I look up at Harry. I wrap one arm around him and pull him in for yet another kiss.

"I love it. Thank you so much."

His smile is so big, his dimples more prominent than ever. "I got one too so we're matching."

"I love that. I can't wait to write in it."

Knowing what he's going to say next, I reach into the bag to get another gift out. This one is wrapped even worse than the others, seeing as how whatever's inside is soft and bigger than the others.

I open it and see two articles of clothing. One's a shirt and the other is a sweater. I hold out the shirt first and see that it's the same as the black shirt that I have of his.

"It's just another one in case the other one gets old. I wore this the most while I was in South America so I wanted you to have it."

"I will never not wear you other shirt. And now I have this one to wear when that one gets dirty."

Once again, his smile widens, only causing mine to do the same.

I hold the sweater out this time and see that it's the grey hoodie that I've seen him wear out a couple of times.

"Harry, this is huge! My whole body can fit in here!"

Harry laughs as I put it on. I go on my knees and sure enough, it reaches all the way down. The sleeves hang past my fingertips but I roll them up to my wrist.

"But I love it."

I sit back down, closer to Harry this time and he places a kiss on the side of my head.

"There's more," he says, nodding at the bag.

I peek inside and see a couple more objects at the bottom. I take one out and can't even tell what it could be. It's smaller than the others but a lot heavier. I unwrap it and see a small rectangular box with the words 'Tom Ford Noir' on the front.

It's his cologne.

"Just in case you're running out, especially since you drown yourself in it every day."

I nudge him before I open it and take out the bottle. I spray a little bit on Harry's sweater that I'm wearing, smelling his familiar scent that I've grown accustomed to. I've been running out of the first bottle he had given me so I'd been using it sparingly these past few weeks. But now I have a whole other bottle that I can use.

However, my eyes widen when I realize how much this costs.

"Harry, this is like £100!"

When I was starting to run out of the first bottle, I had looked up the price because I wanted to buy another one. When I saw how much it was, I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford it.

"I got it for free," he says casually.

I roll my eyes and smile. "Of course you did."

I know that I wouldn't be able to refuse this gift even if he did pay for it. I can't go one day without smelling his signature scent.

"Just use this one sparingly. I don't think I can afford another one."

I laugh as I smack his stomach, making him laugh with me.

"Now open the last one," he says as he starts to rub his hand along my back.

I take out the last object from the gift bag and I quickly open it. As Harry puts the now empty gift bag onto the floor, I see that it's a shoebox.

However, when I lift up the lid, I realize that it's not actually shoes.

It's a whole pile of photographs.

I take them all out and see that the one on the top is one of Harry and I. I go through the next ones, seeing that all of them are of us.

"It's every single picture I have of us from my phone. I even asked the lads if they had any. Even my mum. She had some of us from her birthday party.

I see pictures that I remember Harry had taken from his phone, including the ones we took during the week that Ed was in LA. There are plenty from the time that we were together during the summer and some when we were just friends. There are some from when we got back together, including the ones when I went to Peru. There are ones from when he got back from South America and I realize that that's where his own pictures end, seeing as how that's when our break started.

However, the next pictures, I see ones that I'm assuming are from the other lads, seeing as how they were taken from moments that we were all together. There are some that seem to be from his mum when I see pictures from her birthday party. There's one of us by the piñata, laughing as we had watched the others try to break it.

However, when I flip to the next picture, my heart stops and my smile softens. The picture is of Harry and I when we were dancing to Last First Kiss. I didn't even know that Anne had taken the picture, seeing as how I looked like I was completely captivated by Harry in it. All I can see is me looking up at Harry and Harry looking down at me with one of the most intense gazes I've seen him give me.

I go back to when Anne had told me about this night, when she had said that she could tell that there was still something there between me and Harry, even though we had broken up.

Seeing this from someone else's perspective gives me a completely different outlook of that night. For me, it was the night my life fell apart. I guess that I let that moment ruin everything else that had happened that night.

I remember how happy I was at the beginning of the party up until that dance. Up until the she-devil walked in and ruined everything.

However, I put those bad memories to the side as I focus on this one moment, the moment that I realize that it's not only Harry and I that can see how much we love each other. Even at that moment, when everyone, including myself, had thought that Harry had moved on and was with someone else, they could still see that there was something there between us.

Even his mum could see it and now, I can see it in this photo. I can see it from the way we were looking at each other, from the way we were holding each other.

"My mum told me that this is her favourite picture she has of us. She even made me print an extra copy for her."

I laugh softly as I graze my thumb gently along Harry in the picture.

"I think it's one of my favourites now, too," I say.

I don't know what it is about the picture that I like so much. Maybe just the fact that everything in the picture radiates the love that I was oblivious to that night. It shows that even when I may not see or feel the love from Harry, it's always there.

I know it's completely different now because I always see or feel the love that Harry has for me. I can only hope that I show and make him feel as much love that he does for me.

"I love it, Harry. All of it. Every single gift."

I smile as I look around at all of the gifts. They all ranged from gifts he bought, gifts he owned that he decided to give to me and these pictures that he printed out just for me. They're all completely different from each other but they're all completely sentimental. Each one has a special meaning behind them. They all have a reason for why he decided to choose these specific things to get for me.

I place the pictures back in the box and turn around in my spot, facing him before I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for a tight hug.

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into him to straddle his lap. I lean my head back but lean in again, this time to place my lips on his.

I tangle my fingers in his hair, pulling him in to deepen the kiss. His hands roam my back, my waist, my thighs, everywhere.

I know that I can never thank him enough for all of these incredibly thoughtful gives but I know that a kiss is a good start.

I pull away with a smack of our lips, leaning back only enough to be able to look at him.

"I love you, Harry. So much."

His smile widens and he bites his lips as his eyes dart down to my lips for a quick second.

"I love you, baby. If I could, I'd give you the world."

My smile widens and I lean in to give him a quick kiss.

"I have you. And I think that's a whole lot better. I know I'd have everything as long as I'm with you."

********************

MADE IN THE AM IS AMAZING! I LOVE IT SO MUCH! IT'S DEFINITELY MY FAVOURITE ALBUM OF THEIRS <3

What're your guys' favourites? Mine are If I Could Fly, I Want to Write You a Song, Walking in the Wind, Never Enough and Hey Angel. But I honestly love every single song.

Anyways, please let me know what you thought of this chapter. I honestly had writer's block and this chapter took a while to write lol. I promise it'll get better soon.

50 votes and 15 comments for the next chapter!

Thanks for reading!

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