Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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99. Peru

Lily’s POV

“Yeah, she’s still sleeping. I’ll tell her to call you once she wakes up.”

I start to waken when I hear El’s voice coming from somewhere in my room. The memories from last night start to come flooding back into my mind. As soon as the image of that guy on top of me flashes through my vision, I quickly push it away as I feel myself about to throw up.

I open my eyes, letting the blinding light push away every image in my head. I slowly sit up and look around my room to see El standing by the door, leaning against the frame. She pushes herself off and makes her way to me, sitting on the end of my bed.

“How are you?”

I rub the sleep from my eyes and take a deep breath. “I…I don’t know. I’m okay, I guess. Um…who was that on the phone?”

I knew that she was talking about me to whoever was on the phone. And I have a pretty good guess at who it was.

She looks away and looks down at the phone in her hands. It’s my phone. She slowly hands it to me and I take it.

“It was Harry. He’s been calling non-stop since last night. I told him that you were sleeping. I…I didn’t know if you wanted me to tell him what happened so I just told him that you would call him when you wake up.”

I nod as I unlock my phone and look through my call log. 12 missed calls since last night. The time shows that he first tried calling when I was still at the party. That means it was before his show. I’m sure that he had called after…what had happened because I don’t remember hearing my phone ringing.

I scroll through the call log and see that he’s called ever since then and up until eight this morning. That means that he was calling ever since his show ended.

I go to my messages and see seven texts from him.

*Are you okay?*

*Why aren’t you answering?*

*I’m just worried. Please call me back once you see this*

The rest of the texts are all asking me to call him or asking me what’s happening. He must’ve been worrying like crazy. I know him. I know he probably thought of the worst scenario he could think of.

“Are you going to tell him?” El asks me, breaking me from my thoughts.

Do I want to tell him? He’s just going to freak out. He’ll get angry. I know he will. I reassured him just last night that I would be safe at the party. I told him that I would stay with El or Marcus or any of the others.

He’s going to be pissed.

“I…I don’t know. I’m scared to.”

“Lily,” I can hear the judgment in her tone. “You know what’s going to happen if he finds out.”

I sigh. “I know. I…I’m just worried he’s going to do something stupid like fly here and find that guy or…or prevent me from going to more parties or even going out by myself. He’s doing so well with the whole jealousy thing, I don’t want to give him a reason to take ten steps back again.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just tell him when he comes back for their show here.”

She sighs. “Alright. I mean, I can’t tell you what to do. I just hope it’s the right decision. You should call him soon though. He’s been calling me non-stop and he’s getting really worried about you.”

I nod. “I will. I’ll call him right now.”

“Alright. I’ll just be in the living room.” She stands up and leaves my room, closing the door behind her.

I stare at my phone in my hands for a good two minutes. I’ve never been more scared to call him. I’m sure he’s worried out of his mind right now, especially since Eleanor only told him that I was sleeping. He knows that I didn’t drink last night so he’s probably wondering why I didn’t call him last night or this morning.

I take a deep breath and finally force myself to call him. I put the phone up to my ear and take another shaky breath as I wait for him to answer.

He answers right on the first ring.

Lily? Are you okay? What happened? Why didn’t you answer any of my calls last night?

Usually, I would be annoyed with how he’s acting but it’s completely understandable. I would be acting the same way if it were the other way around. I just imagine what I would think if Harry had gone to a party and he didn’t answer any of my calls.

Of course I would be annoyed. I would be pissed.

“I-I’m okay. I’m sorry. I--”

I’m about to tell Harry that everything’s fine. That I just fell asleep and maybe even tell him that my phone was on silent and I didn’t hear him call me.

So basically, I’m about to lie to Harry. But I can’t. I made him a promise. I promised him that I wouldn’t keep things from him. I wouldn’t lie to him anymore. We need to communicate and we’ve been doing so well since we got back together.

I don’t want to ruin that.

I release a shaky breath and my release a small sob, tears forming in my eyes.

Lily, baby. What’s wrong?” Pause. “What happened?

I’m sure that ever since last night, he’s had a pretty good idea that something bad happened. This is out of character for me, not calling him or at least answering his calls. He knows that I was aware that he would call me when he woke up to tell me about his show.

“Harry…I…I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”

It’s silent for a few seconds. All I can hear is his deepening breath through the phone.

What happened?” he asks firmly.

I sob once again, fearing Harry’s reaction. Of course I want to tell him but I wish he were here right in front of me instead of halfway across the world. I want him here holding me and I don’t want the possibility of him hanging up on me once he finds out. With him here, I could always make sure that he doesn’t leave without giving him a full explanation.

“You’re going to be mad at me,” I mutter.

He sighs. “Lily, I’ll try not to be. Just tell me what happened.

I take a shaky breath. “Last night, at the party…someone…” I can feel the bile rising in my throat as images of last night flash in front of my eyes.

Someone, what?” he spits.

He’s going to be so angry.

“Someone…tried forcing himself on me.”

What do you mean ‘tried’?!” he yells.

I flinch at his loud voice even though I was anticipating it.

“He…he grabbed me and pulled me in-into a room and forced me on the bed. H-he touched me and-and kissed me. Just on my neck, though.”

’Just on your neck’? What? Is that supposed to make it all better?!

Again, I’m not even surprised that Harry’s reacting like this. However, the tears still fall faster down my cheeks and I wipe them away furiously.

“Harry, you said you’d try not to get mad at me,” my voice trembles.

How did you expect me to react? Am I supposed to be fine with it and let it go?

“I-I…I don’t know. I’m sorry. Harry, I’m so sorry.”

What the hell happened? I thought you said you would always stay with El or any of your other friends?

“It’s my fault. I went off on my own. I was being stupid. It’s not any of their faults.”

What were you thinking? You said so yourself that you didn’t know anyone there. Why would you go off on your own?” He’s still clearly pissed.

“I was looking for El. Someone said she was upstairs but…but they lied to get me alone. That’s when he grabbed me. But Leo and Collin found me on time.”

They shouldn’t have had to go looking for you in the first place. They should’ve been with you at all times! You should’ve been with them the whole time.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Lily, I don’t know what you’re expecting me to do. This is what I was worried about! This is why I was how I was before. It’s s.hit like this that’s killing me while I’m here away from you, not being able to keep you safe. And you reassured me that everything would be fine and that I was overreacting. This is what I was warning you about!

“I know, Harry. You were right. I’m sorry.”

You keep saying ‘sorry’ and that ‘you know’, but that seemed to have slipped your mind last night. Do you know how f.ucking worried I was the entire night? I couldn’t f.ucking concentrate for the entire show! I couldn’t stop worrying about you. F.uck!

I cry silently now as I listen to Harry. I remind myself that I can’t get angry at how he’s reacting. He has every right to be like this.

I hear him take a deep breath. “Look, putting that aside for now…are you okay?” His voice is now calm, soothing, completely the opposite of how it was just seconds ago.

I sniffle. “I'm okay. I promise. He didn’t really do anything that bad. I’m just more traumatized. But I’ll be okay.”

I feel a little sense of comfort at the fact that he’s not mad enough to ask me how I am.

That’s good. But Lily, I’m serious. What am I supposed to do now?

“Harry, you don’t have to do anything different than what you’re doing now. You’re doing so well. It was my fault. I'm the one that needs to learn from my mistake. I won’t run off by myself next time. I won’t even go to another party, if that’s what I have to do.”

I’m doing major damage control right now. I will do whatever it takes to fix this. Usually it’s Harry that messes up but I make mistakes, too. It just so happens that when I do, I mess up big time.

You can’t keep doing this to me. I’m going to lose my mind here. I’ve only been gone a few days and this s.hit is already happen.”

“It’s not like I asked for this to happen. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to concentrate on your show last night. That’s the last thing I wanted. I would do anything to be able to change it. I made a mistake last night but I didn’t purposely do that to torture you.”

Great. I knew this fight wasn’t going to end so easily.

I just think that you should’ve been smarter at the party last night. I’ve only had one show. What the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the tour? I’m gonna go crazy worrying about you.”

“You’re right. Sorry that I was being stupid last night. It’s not like I already feel bad enough as it is, it’s just wonderful that you think I was being stupid.”

That’s not what I meant. Don’t do this right now. I just need to figure out what I’m going to do with all of this. I…I need to go. I need to think about all of this.”

“No, Harry. Don’t go. We need to talk about this. You know what happens when we don’t communicate.”

Yeah? So I can’t take a few hours to clear my head but you can ignore me for three days all because of my whole jealousy issue? That makes complete sense.

“Harry--”

I’ll call you later.

He hangs up a second later, not letting me get a word in. When I hear the line click, my heart sinks and tears shoot down my cheeks as I sit there in silence. I can’t keep up with my thoughts. I close my eyes, knowing that this mess is now bigger than I thought it would be.

What am I supposed to do now?

Harry’s POV

I walk through the airport, keeping my head down as I make my way through the crowd. I’m far from being in the mood for smiling for the cameras. I don’t even want to take pictures with the fans. I barely got any sleep last night after I got off the phone with Lily. When I had woken up, I had left straight to the airport without calling her and now here I am.

It’s now almost six in the evening and the boys and I have just landed in Peru. I turn on my phone and it surprises me that I don’t have a text or missed call from Lily. I know I was being childish by hanging up on her but I was angry. I didn’t want to stay on the phone and say anything that I might regret. I know I tend to do that so I had to end the call.

I needed a few hours to get my head straight, to figure out how I feel about everything. It was almost three in the morning for me when Lily had called me back. I had just finished our first show and I was still worked up from Lily not answering any of my calls while she was at the party.

Of course I was freaking out.

And when she told me what happened, I lost it. I didn’t know what I was angrier about, Lily going off by herself and getting herself into that mess or the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it.

I was getting more and more angry as we talked. I had to end the call. I had to sleep. And when I woke up, everything just came crashing back to my head and I needed to think through it all some more. I got on the plane, thinking that it’d give me enough time to figure it all out.

But it wasn’t. I’m still angry. But still, I’m not sure why.

I go inside the car and as the driver heads to the hotel, I take out my phone. Seeing as it should be almost midnight where Lily is, I’m not sure if she’s sleeping. I know that I said that I’d be the one to call her so I know that that’s why she hasn’t tried to call me.

I’m not sure if I should try calling her or just wait for tomorrow. Maybe it’ll show her the hell I went through when she didn’t talk to me for three days earlier this week. Another thing that pissed me off, the fact that she wanted me to talk about it last night but she thinks it’s okay to ignore me for three days.

There is absolutely nothing fair about that.

I know that each of our reasoning is completely different. That’s why I click on her name on the screen and call her.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Voicemail.

She’s probably sleeping. But it’s Sunday tomorrow. She usually doesn’t sleep early on the weekend. Maybe she’s mad at me. Maybe she’s out.

I just groan in frustration at the thought of her going out, possibly clubbing with her friends.

I just close my eyes and wait until we arrive at the hotel. Again, I don’t interact with any of the paparazzi or fans. I just walk through the crowd and step inside the building. I check in and get my hotel card and go straight up to the room. When I step inside in my room, I stop in my tracks thinking that I’m in the wrong one when I see a teddy bear on the bed.

I look at my card and at the number on the door, realizing that I do have the right room. I close the door and drop my bags by the wall before I walk up to the bed. The teddy bear has a heart in its hands and there’s a note propped up against one of its legs. I pick it up before I sit down on the bed and read it.

Dear Harry,

I’m so sorry for what happened. I wish I could be there with you to talk through everything. I never wanted to hurt you or anger you with what happened last night. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I’m not asking you to forgive me right away but I just want the chance to talk to you. I’m so deeply sorry. Hope to hear from you soon.

All my love,

Lily

I take a deep breath as I read the letter over. Of course her gesture is sweet. I look over at the bear and grab it before I hug it to my side and look down at the letter again. I bury my face into the bear’s head and I snap my head back as I look at it confusedly.

It smells like her perfume. I know that smell from anywhere. I smell the bear again and I know for sure it’s her perfume.

I go back to the time that I sent Lily that bear when she had found out about the contract and I was trying to apologize to her. I remember finding it resting on the pile of roses thrown on the floor in the hallway of Ed’s building. I remember taking that bear with me and keeping it in my room.

Even though I’m still angry with her, I’m definitely keeping it. It’s another thing that I have that reminds me of her.

She’s smart for making the bear smell like her. I guess it’s her way of getting me to talk to her. I take a deep breath and take out my phone. I know I tried calling her already but I’m hoping that, if she’s sleeping, she’ll wake up and we can finally talk. If she’s out, I’ll keep calling until she answers.

I call her and I’m expecting it to go to voicemail again but she answers after the first ring.

Harry?”

I release a breath at her voice. Any time I’m mad or upset with her, just hearing her voice makes those emotions disappear. I hate it sometimes because it’s so hard to be mad at her.

“Hey.”

Are you in Peru now?”

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. Out of all of the questions that I thought she would ask first, this was the last question I thought she would ask.

“Um…yeah, I just got to the hotel.”

I hear her sigh. “So…did-did you see what I sent you?”

I look down at the bear and I can’t help the small smile that spreads across my face.

“Yeah, I did.”

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to say that I love it because I don’t want her to think that I’ve moved on from our fight last night. I don’t want her to think that I’m over it. I’m still far from it.

Okay,” she says quietly.

Silence.

I know she’s hesitant about what to say, especially since I didn’t elaborate on her question. However, I assumed that the fact that I called would let her know that I’m planning to finally talk to her about everything.

“Did you want to talk now? Are you busy?” I ask.

Silence.

For a second, I think that the line dropped but I hold my phone out and see that it’s still connected. I’m about to ask her if she’s okay but she interrupts me.

Yeah, um…we can talk about it n--”

Knock. Knock.

I look up at the door and sigh. It’s probably Niall coming to borrow toothpaste like he’s done hundreds of times before.

“Hold on. Someone’s at the door.”

I stand up from the bed and walk over to the door. I open it, expecting Niall’s blond head but I freeze in my spot when I look at who’s standing outside the door.

“Hi, Harry.”

***********************

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