Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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40. Perrie's Birthday

Lily’s POV

Even though we’re already broken up, it feels like I’m going through it again as I find myself in the post-breakup phase, locking myself in my room, staring at the same four walls. This time, however, I don’t cry as much as I did last time and today, I’ve finally been able to get up and leave the confines of my room. It’s partly because I cried it all out in the past six nights since I ended things with Harry and gave him his ring back.

Instead, I’m empty inside. I feel no emotions, just emptiness. I don’t know whether it’s from the absence of Harry’s ring from my neck or if it’s Harry’s entireness completely gone from my life.

I try not to think about that night but it always comes creeping into my mind without my permission. It even haunts me in my dreams and I always wake up in the middle of the night with tears on my face.

The part that constantly plays over and over in my head is the part where Harry shouts, “But you had me, Lily! I thought you knew that when I told you that I loved you!”

I did have him but I was too insecure with myself, I made too many mistakes and I let him go. There are too many “what if’s” and “I should have’s” taunting me that I can’t find peace with myself. I have to stop thinking about those things because it’ll consume me and I won’t be able to move on.

This is what I need, this is what I asked for from that night. It kills me slowly each time that I even think about Harry, so how can I survive when I see him with her? I can’t even watch the news or go on the Internet because I’m scared that I’ll see his face. I need him completely out of my life for my own well-being.

But is it what I want?

I want Harry back in my life but he’s moved on. He has someone else. He doesn’t trust me anymore. I wouldn’t even trust me anymore. He has every right to not trust me for what I did, I just wish that he didn’t break me along the way.

In the end, this all could have been avoided if I had just told Harry the truth from the beginning. And I’ve been beating myself up for it and it’s my biggest regret. People say that you shouldn’t regret anything that you’ve done because you learn from it but I regret not being honest with Harry. I regret not trusting him. I regret that I ended up losing him. I wish I could take it back.

Even though he hurt me, I still find myself wanting to move past it and have him back in my life.

It’s been almost a week since I last saw him and every day, I’m tempted to call him or text him saying that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it when I said that I never wanted to see him again or that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. And it gets harder and harder to stop myself, especially when Harry tries to call me or sends me texts that I have Ed delete for me. I don't want to see what those texts say and every time that Ed deletes it, I find myself losing more and more hope in moving past everything and making up with Harry. Even if we decided to just be friends, I knew it was too late to take that road.

I have no idea how I’m going to survive the rest of the summer here trying to avoid Harry. He’s friends with everyone that I know here and I’ve already declined offers from Perrie and Eleanor to hang out because I know that Harry will be there. And, most like, she will be there, too. Even if she wasn’t there, I don’t think I would’ve been able to last one second in the same room with Harry.

However, tonight is Perrie’s birthday party. It’s being held at Zayn’s house and I know that Harry will be there. Or maybe he thinks that I’ll be there and he’s decided not to go. Either way, I know that I’m going because it’s Perrie’s birthday. I’m not going to let my problems get in the way of mine and Perrie’s friendship. I’ve already bailed on plans with her and Eleanor this past week, I can’t do that on her birthday.

It’s good that Ed is coming, too. He’s promised to stay with me the whole time we’re there and I know that it’s weak of me to have him as my bodyguard but I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight if Harry’s there.

I decide to get out of bed and start getting ready. I take a long shower and go back to my room to dry my hair and put it in loose waves. I don’t try as hard for my makeup, just putting on some eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. I decide on a black, high-waist peplum skirt and a matching tight sleeveless crop top. I pair it with black pumps and I put on some perfume before I make my way out to the living room. I see Ed wearing a pair of jeans and a plain, black shirt and I start to worry that I’m too dressed up. But Perrie told me to wear something nice so I thought that this was appropriate.

Ed looks up at me and gives me a smile. “You look great.”

I smile back and sit down beside him. “Thanks.”

I hear him sigh. “Are you sure you want to go? I’m sure Perrie will understand.”

I look over at him. “That’s the thing. I want people to stop feeling sorry for me. If I don’t go, they’ll just think that I’m weak and…that I’m still hurting. Even though I am, I’m trying to move on and I can’t do that if I continue to hide. And it’s her birthday, I can’t miss it. I haven’t seen the girls in almost a week and I think it’ll be good for me.”

He gives me an understanding smile and places his hand on mine. “I understand. You’ll get through this.” Suddenly, his face turns serious. “But if he bothers you, you have to let me know, okay?”

I hide the annoyance I feel with Ed’s fatherly protectiveness as I nod but then I remind myself that he’s just looking out for me. But I know that I can handle this myself. I have to. I can’t be dependent on Ed every time that I’m going to see Harry. I already told Harry that I didn’t want to speak to him anymore, that I wanted nothing to do with him, so I know - or at least, think - that he’s not going to talk to me tonight.

But when I told him of my wishes to never see him or speak to him again, I didn’t even give him a chance to reply. I just wanted to give him his ring back and get out of there.

I just left, letting those words be my last words to him, but now, I’m anticipating when and if Harry will have the next word tonight.

**

I take a deep breath as Ed rings the doorbell of Zayn’s humungous house. I find myself fidgeting with my clutch, opening and closing the clasp until Perrie opens the door a few seconds later. Her eyes widen along with her smile before she squeals and attacks me with a hug.

“Lily! I’ve missed you so much. I’m so glad you came.”

I lightly laugh as I tighten my arms around her. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Happy birthday.”

We pull away and she looks at me carefully for a few seconds in silence before she smiles again. “Thank you, love.” She turns to Ed and gives him a hug. “Hey, Ed. Thanks for coming.”

“Hey. Happy birthday.” They pull away and he gives her a friendly smile.

She faces me again and takes my hand. “Come on in. Everyone’s here already.”

I kept stalling back at Ed’s place, wanting to be late on purpose because I found my anxiety creeping every time I thought about coming here. But I know that it would be too obvious and it would be disrespectful to Perrie to come too late.

But Ed finally forced me out of the flat and into his car and now, here I am, guided by Perrie through the house. The second that I turn the corner into what I assumed was the living room, I hear another squeal before another pair of arms engulf me in a hug.

“Lily! You’re here! I thought you weren’t going to come.” I pull away from Eleanor and give her a smile.

“Yeah, I missed you two too much.”

“We missed you too,” Eleanor replies. She sweeps her eyes up and down my body as her eyes widen. “You look great, Lily. Love your outfit.”

I blush at the compliment. “Thanks.”

I’ve kept in touch with both of them this past week on the phone, thankful that they were able to help me work through everything. We had talked last night and I had asked them to not worry about the fact that I would be seeing Harry for the first time since that night. I didn’t want them to be worried about it, especially Perrie, since it’s her birthday.

I realize that Ed has disappeared and I start to feel the anxiety grow in my stomach.

Perrie realizes my change of mood as she takes my hand again. “Don’t worry. Eleanor and I will make sure that nothing happens tonight.”

I just smile and nod.

Perrie introduces me to her other friends, including the other girls from her band. I greet Zayn, who came over to stay with Perrie. Eleanor tells me to follow her as she finds Louis in the crowd and I greet him when we find him with Niall and Liam. I greet them as well.

“You look great, Lily,” Niall compliments as he hands me a drink. I take it from him but don’t drink it. I’m still debating whether I’m going to drink tonight. The last time that I drank, I got the worst hangover. However, the main reason that I’m reluctant on drinking is that I don’t want to end up doing something that I’ll regret. Specifically regarding a certain someone that I don’t plan on speaking to tonight.

“Thanks, Niall. You’re not so bad yourself. You, too, Liam.”

“Thanks,” they said in unison.

“Look…um…we’re sorry about what happened--”

I hold my hand out in front of me and interrupt Niall. “It’s okay. I…I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

I give them a smile and they just nod. The air is tense and awkward now and I just want to hide in a room all night.

“Hey, we want a foosball rematch,” Liam said before taking a sip from his red cup. I’m glad he’s broken the awkward silence, brushing off the previous conversation.

I laugh. “Why? You like losing?”

Everyone around us laughs while Liam puts hits hand over his heart and pretends to look hurt.

“Louis’ going to be partner now so we’ll definitely win. Come on, you and Niall against me and Louis.”

I roll my eyes and smile. “Fine. But I’ve been practicing so you better watch out.”

We make our way to the foosball table in the room adjacent to the living room. The room seems to be used as a game room as I see a crown of people sitting in couches playing videogames.

I stand beside Niall and across from Louis and Liam. Eleanor watches from the side.

Liam gets the ball and holds it over the table. “Ready?”

We all nod before Liam drops the ball and everyone immediately fights for control of it. It’s an even match, the ball going back a forth multiple times before Niall scores a point.

“Yeah, buddy!” he cheers, throwing his hands up in the air. I laugh at Niall and at Louis and Liam’s playful angry faces.

We continue the game, each team somehow scoring points every other match until it’s the tiebreaker for the win.

“Come on, Niall. We can do this!” I exclaim. Halfway through the game, we had Eleanor be the one to drop the ball onto the table because we kept accusing the other team for cheating and dropping the ball closer to their men.

Eleanor holds the ball over the table and all of us stare at it like a hawk before she drops it. Everyone starts twisting their rods like a madman, fighting for the ball. Liam has control of the ball and it looks like he’s about to score. He hits the ball hard and it flies towards our net. My heart accelerates thinking that it’s going to go in but it hits the edge of the net and it ricochets back. We all watch with incredulous faces as it flies through each wooden player until it glides through the other team’s net and goes in.

Niall and I laugh and cheer and he gives me a side hug at points and laughs at Louis and Liam at the same time. Liam has his hands covering his forehead and Louis has his arms crossed and raising his eyebrows at Liam.

Eleanor is laughing along with us before she goes up to Louis and hugs him, instantly putting a smile on his face.

“That’s not fair. It doesn’t count!” Liam whines and pouts.

“It does so count,” Niall retorts. “Just accept it, Liam. No one can beat me and Lily.”

I hold my hand out towards Niall and he gives me a high-five.

“I will beat you someday. Next game, just me against you, Lily. I know I can beat you.”

“As this game showed everyone, I think you’d lose even if you were playing against no one.”

Everyone bursts out in laughter and Liam’s face falls.

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” I immediately walk up to him and hug him. “I was just joking. Okay, next game, me against you. If you win, I won’t make fun of you anymore.”

I start to worry that I’ve hurt his feelings but a smile creeps onto his face and he rolls his eyes.

“I’m going to start practicing and I will beat you. I can promise you that.”

I pull away and laugh. “We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Suddenly, my vision is blocked as someone puts their hands over my eyes. I panic for a second thinking that it’s Harry but I know that he would never do this under our current situation.

“Guess who.”

I breathe a sigh of relief and a smile creeps on my face as I recognize the voice.

“Someone who is going to get slapped if they end up ruining my makeup.”

I turn around and come face-to-face with the person that I got drunk with the last time that I drank.

“Hey, Ashton.” I pull him in for a hug and he wraps his around me and sways us back and forth. He had texted me the day after the Brit Awards but I wasn’t able to reply because of what happened. I texted him two days afterwards when I was finally able to do other things other than lie in bed and stare blankly at the wall. I had told him what happened when I found out that he was going to Perrie’s party as well. I knew that I had to fill him in on my current situation with Harry since he already knows a little bit about it already.

He was able to cheer me up actually. He was describing to me what he would’ve done to Harry if he had known everything while we were at the Brit Awards and the after party. He said it was “a d*ck move” and that I shouldn’t be blaming myself for what happened. Even though I had lied to him, he shouldn’t have reacted that way.

I had just silently agreed because I knew that he would just continue to defend me when I was at fault, too. We had gotten to know each other more and we were both excited when we found out that we would be seeing each other here at Perrie’s party.

“Don’t worry, your makeup is fine.” He rolls his eyes. “You look great, Lily.”

I smile and slightly blush. “Thanks.”

“So how are you?” he asks. We make our way to the kitchen so he can get a drink.

I shrug. “I’m okay. I’ve been better.”

As he pours his drink, his eyes flick to mine and he smiles. I know what he’s thinking. Everyone here who knows is most likely thinking the same thing. They’re thinking that I’m going to break down once I see Harry and they’re watching over me until it happens.

Suddenly, I get a strange feeling that someone’s looking at me. I feel someone’s eyes on my back and the flicker of Ashton’s eyes over my shoulder and the slight change in his eyes confirm my thoughts.

“Is she there, too?” The suspense kills me as I wait for Ashton’s reply and I resist the urge to look over my shoulder and see for myself.

His eyes sweep the space behind me before he looks back at me and shakes his head.

“No, I don’t see her. She would be latched around Harry if she was here.”

I snort, remembering our little nickname for her. I feel a huge rush of relief knowing that she wasn’t here. It’s one less person that I have to avoid tonight.

“I should go over there and slap him.” Ashton narrows his eyes as he looks over my shoulder again, taking a drink from his cup.

“Don’t worry about him. I’m sure he’s going to leave me alone.”

I see one of his eyebrows rise. “Are you sure? Cause he’s making his way over here right now.”

I panic, my back straightening, not knowing what to do. I don’t want him to come over here. I don’t want to see him.

“Umm…uh…let’s go.” I grab Ashton’s elbow and drag him with me through the crowd of people. I don’t stop walking until I see Ed talking to Zayn and Perrie by the stairs. I walk up to them, knowing that I’ll be safe here. Hesitantly, I look over my shoulder, letting out a deep breath when I don’t see Harry anywhere in sight.

“What was that for?” Ashton whispers in my ear, quiet enough that no one else can hear.

I look away and stare at the cup in my hands. “I…I don’t want to see him.”

I hear him sigh. “We’re at a party. You can’t avoid him the whole night. And…it looked like he really wanted to talk to you.”

I snap my eyes up at Ashton but no words came out of my mouth as it repeatedly opened and closed. I look away again.

“I can’t,” I mumble. Not knowing what else to do, I bring the cup up to my lips and drink. The concoction isn’t that strong but I can still taste the alcohol and I can feel it warming up my body. One drink won’t hurt. I think I’m going to need it.

Suddenly, someone appears from behind me and stands next to Zayn. I look up and see Harry. I find myself taking a step to the side, closer the Ashton. Harry’s eyes quickly dart to me and my lungs stop working as he stares at me with an expression that I can’t read. I can see everyone looking between the two of us warily but, in the corner of my eye, I can see Ed tensing his jaw.

This is the first time I’ve seen him since that night and too many emotions come rushing back. I worked so hard to get his image out of my mind, his smile, his eyes, even his dimples but now it’s burnt into my memory again as our gazes lock on each other.

I see Ed about to take a step forward but I turn to look at him and grab his arm. I shake my head at him, hoping he could see from my face that I wanted him to stop. I knew what he was going to do. He was going to take me away from Harry. But how pathetic would it look if he did.

Zayn and Perrie are standing there uncomfortably, not knowing what to say and I don’t blame them. Ed stays put in his spot but looks like he’s ready to take me away at any sign that something bad is going to happen. Ashton is standing slightly behind me so I can’t see his face but I feel his hand slightly rest on my back and I see Harry’s eyes flicker to it, his face hardening as he looks back at me. He opens his mouth, about to say something and I start to panic again. I take a step back, Ashton’s hand falling from my body.

“I’m…” I clear my throat. Everyone is looking at me, confusion written all over their faces. I see Harry take a step toward me, his hand slightly reaching out. “I’ll be right back.”

I turn around, not allowing any of them to respond. I quickly walk to the kitchen and fill my cup with pure vodka before I make my way to the back doors and slide the door open. Making sure that no one I knew could see me, I slipped through the doors, closing it quietly behind me. Luckily, there’s no one here on the patio with me so I take a seat on one of the couches and stare out into the setting sun. I take the cup and bring it up to my mouth and drink, letting the burning liquid run down my throat and into my stomach.

Hoping the alcohol will distract me, I drink the whole cup in minutes, everything instantly blurs and starts to spin. The sky is getting dark now and I just sit back on the couch and close my eyes.

I had to get out of there. Seeing him was enough, I couldn’t take it. But the fact that he was going to say something, the fact that I was going to hear his voice again, I knew I had to get out of there fast. I have no idea what he was going to say but whatever is was, I didn’t want to hear it. I ran away again and I have no intention of going back in there any time soon.

I shouldn’t have come here. Ashton was right, I can’t avoid him the whole night but I should have just stayed home so that I wouldn’t have any chance of seeing him. I haven’t even been here for 15 minutes and I already want to leave.

Maybe I can sneak through the side of the house and call a taxi. I sit up, about to make my escape when I hear the door open. I tense as I look over to see who it is and I immediately stand up, ready to run when I see Harry step through the threshold. He looks around the patio before he finds me. I take a step back and he quickly closes the door and walks up to me.

“Lily--”

I turn around and take a wobbly step forward. “No, I told you to stay away from me,” I slur. My heels and the wood floor don’t seem to like each other so I quickly bend down and take off my shoes. Once they’re off, I make my way to the small set of steps that lead to the gate to the side. However, my journey is abruptly stopped when Harry grabs my wrist. His touch burns me and I try to wrench my arm from his grasp but he doesn’t let go.

“Lily, stop walking away from me!”

This time, I pull harder and manage to free my wrist from Harry’s hand before I turn around, tears building up in my eyes. I didn’t think it was possible for me to cry any more but I can’t seem to keep myself together when I’m anywhere near Harry.

“What part of ‘I don’t want anything to do with you anymore’ did you not understand?” I spit.

He’s looking at me with the same pained expression that I saw right after I gave him his ring back and even in the darkness, I can see moisture glistening in his eyes.

“I understand it perfectly well, I just don’t agree with it.”

“It doesn’t matter whether you agree with it or not!”

“Yes, it does,” he says, surprisingly calm.

“Well, this is what I want! And you should respect that.”

“You don’t know what you want!” The calmness is slowly disappearing from his demeanor.

“Oh and you do?” I challenge. “But I do know what you want, you want some tall, skinny, beautiful model that gives you what you want. And I can’t be that so why don’t you just leave me alone?”

I have no idea what’s coming out of my mouth. I know it’s the alcohol but they say that you express your true feelings when you’re drunk. I guess I’ve been thinking this but have been too insecure to admit it to myself or to anyone else.

“Is that what you think? Lily. I loved everything about you. Why can’t you understand that?”

“Then why are you still with her?” He’s about to reply but I hold out my hand and interrupt him. “No, I know why. It’s because she’s giving you what I couldn’t, right?”

His eyebrows furrow in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

I swallow the lump in my throat and allow the alcohol to speak for me. “It’s because I wouldn’t sleep with you, right? She’s able to give that to you. I can see how she’s throws herself on you every chance she gets, I saw the way you two kissed at the after party. She’s able to give you everything you want, right?”

“What? Are you crazy? You know that’s not true. How could you even think that?”

“Why do you even want to talk to me still?” I ignore his questions. “You have Ivana. There’s no point for us trying to act like things are normal again. It’s…it’s better if we just leave each other alone.”

“No, it’s not better. I still care about you, Lily.”

I feel the familiar pain that I’ve been trying to stop for the past week start to grow in my heart again. I’ve tried every day for the past week to make the pain go away and all it takes for it to come back are a few words from Harry.

“I’ve been trying to call you and I’ve texted you to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did and I wish I could take it back. I should have apologized that night. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I just want you to forgive me.” He looks at me with pleading eyes and he clutches his hands out in front of him. “Please.”

I shake my head, not letting his words break down the walls that I’ve built in the past week. “It’s too late, Harry. Too much damage has been done, on both our parts. I made mistakes too, and I owned up to it and I apologize as well, so…I’m going to forgive you but I’m never forget. And that’s why I think it’s better that we--”

Harry suddenly lurches forward, grabbing my face in between his large hands before he smashes his lips against mine.

 

*************************

 

I know I said I was going to update on the weekend but I've been dealing with some personal issues recently so hopefully you guys understand. But I wanted to get a chapter out before this weekend to make up for it.

Thank you for everyone who's liked and commented! I really appreciate it :)

Anyways, let me know what you guys think! AHHHH Harry kissed her! What were your guys' thoughts? What do you think is going to happen next??

10 more likes and 15 comments for the next chapter!

Thanks for reading!

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