Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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45. Perfect/Amazing

Play 'Perfect' for the first song and then 'Amazing' for the second one. You'll know when to play it. Both songs are by an amazing band named Hedley. LIsten to it while you're reading that certain part in this chapter :)

Lily’s POV

It is now almost three in the morning and I was still clutching the blanket, my eyes wide, staring into the darkness. It doesn’t help that the dresser in front of the bed looks exactly like the dresser in the movie. After the movie, we all went to bed, Louis and Eleanor in their room, me in the first guest room and Harry in the other guest room after deciding that he was too tired to go home.

I know that it was wishful thinking hoping that Harry would sleep beside me, especially after watching that scary movie. Now, I was wide awake, jumping at any sound that I would hear around my room.

Knowing that I would not be able to sleep even if I tried, I reach over to turn on the lamp on the side table. Light filled the room, instantly making the room a lot less scary. I sit up and move back to lean against the headboard, hugging my knees. I’m going to have a slim chance of sleeping tonight and even if I do, I know that it’ll be a restless sleep so I might as well do something productive. I push the blanket off of me, standing up and straightening the shirt that El let me borrow.

I know that Eleanor and Louis have a music room downstairs so I thought that it would be nice to sing and play until the scary movie disappears out from my mind. I take my phone, turning on the light on it, using it as a flashlight. I quietly make my way out of the room, tiptoeing into the hallway, making sure to close the door quietly behind me.

I stop in my tracks as I look over at the door across from mine, the room that Harry was currently sleeping in. I was tempted to go in there and slip under the covers with him, knowing that I would get a peaceful sleep in his arms. But I shook those thoughts out of my head, knowing how stupid that would be.

The last time that we had fallen asleep beside each other, both of our emotions were high, I was incredibly wasted and we both just needed to be close to each other that night.

Now, things are different. We’re trying to be friends again and I have now drilled it into my head that he has a girlfriend and I can’t do anything that even slightly shows a hint of intimacy.

I feel the pull of Harry’s presence through the door but I force myself to continue my journey to the music room so that I can finally make every thought take a backseat in my mind for a while, both thoughts of the movie and of Harry.

I point the flashlight in front of me and I feel the hairs on my back stand up at how much scarier this is than being in that room. It reminds me of the movie so I walk quicker while still trying to be as quiet as I can until I finally reach the main floor. The light from the moon provides more lighting through the multiple windows so I calm slightly.

I turn off the light from my phone once I reach the door to the music room but I freeze once I hear the sound coming through the door. I take a step closer, realizing that someone was playing a guitar.

I know for sure that it wasn’t Eleanor, seeing as she doesn’t know how to play guitar. So that left Louis and Harry. I take another step closer until I’m right in front of the slightly open door. I peek through the gap and see Harry’s shirtless back sitting on a stool.

I remain still and quiet, listening to the unfamiliar song he was playing. I impatiently wait, hoping that he’ll sing, my curiousity growing as he continues to play the guitar.

And when he starts singing, I’m taken back to the time when he played Last First Kiss for me all those weeks ago, back when we were friends but I was already slowly and unknowingly falling for him.

(Play 'Perfect' now)

“Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise.
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes.
Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
It’s worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie.

“And as long as I can feel you holding on,
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong.”

Even from the first line he sang, I knew that he wrote this song and I knew who he wrote it about. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes but I allow myself to listen to the rest of the song to see whether these were happy tears or tears of hurt and pain.

“I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave.
Was it something I said or just my personality?

You’re perfect, Harry. More perfect than you know and give yourself credit for.

“Making every kind of silence, it takes a lot to realize
It’s worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie.

“And as long as I can feel you holding on,
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong.

“I know that I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave.
Was it something I said or just my personality?”

When did he write this song about me?

The tears are now flowing down my face. I can feel the pain, hurt, longing, guilt, hope, and love all filling each and every word he sang into a room that he thought he was alone in.

Would he have told me about this song? Would he have sung it to me if he knew I was here?

“When you're caught in a lie, and you've got nothing to hide,
When you've got nowhere to run, and you've got nothing inside.
It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me.
You thought that you knew.

“I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave.
Was it something I said or just my personality?
I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave.
Was it something I said or just my, just myself?
Just myself…Myself…Just myself?

“I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.”

I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to muffle the sob that was threatening to come out but when I took a step back, the floor creaked, causing Harry to whip his head around, looking at me with wide eyes.

I don’t want him to know how those words have now started cutting into my slowly healing wounds, now cutting deeper and in a more jagged fashion. I know what it’s like to pour your heart out into a song and the fact that Harry wrote a song about me gave me this unknown, confusing, scary feeling. It wasn’t a bad scary, it was a kind of scary that I wanted to know more about.

“Lily.” His voice is soft but wary, wary at my slowly retreating and tearful presence. He places the guitar on the stand and slowly makes his way to me. My back hits a wall. I drop my hand, knowing that my tears were now silent, allowing Harry to only see my emotions and not hear it at the same time.

He keeps his distance at the doorframe, now only a few feet of space in between us.

“When…” I clear my throat, realizing how scratchy it sounded. “When did you write that?”

He observes me for a while, most likely anticipating more tears but I calm myself down enough to finally stop the tears.

“The day after you gave me my ring back.”

A wave of guilt rushes over me and I look down, knowing that it would be clear in my eyes.

He had written it over a week ago. But a week was not enough to create such a beautiful, emotion-filled song like that. Unless you dedicate a lot of time on it.

“It’s…it’s about you.” I can hear the anticipation in his tone, trying to get through to me. But my walls were already crumbling down as I listened to his song and I was feverishly trying to build it up again.

“I know,” I whisper. “It’s…it’s beautiful.”

I finally look up at him and see sadness and happiness fighting over each other in his features.

“Thanks.” His jaw tenses as he nods but a small smile breaks through. “I was hoping to play it for you at a better time. I wanted to give you a heads up first, especially now that I saw your reaction. And definitely not while I’m shirtless.”

I laugh lightly, Harry grinning at me afterwards.

I really didn’t mind that last part.

I mentally scold myself for that thought and shake my head. “No, don’t worry about it. I’m fine. I…I was just surprised.”

His eyebrows pull together. “About what?”

“That you would write a song about me. I mean, not that I was expecting you to but you didn’t write a song about me while…while we were together so I was just surprised that you would write a song…now…about that.”

He observes me again and I patiently wait for him to say something.

“I have written a song about you while we were together.” He gauges my reaction.

My heart jumps into my throat, blocking any words to come out.

“I mean, I haven’t finished it but…I’ve written one. I guess I’m just waiting a while to see how it ends.”

My breath leaves my lung, struggling to take in more. What did he mean? Waiting for what? Before I can delve into the million possibilities of what he could mean, he clears his throat, snapping me out of my loud thoughts.

“Why are you up?”

I can feel a hint of embarrassment colour my cheeks, looking down at my feet. “I…I couldn’t sleep,” I mumble, hoping that he wouldn’t hear, but then again, he would just ask me to repeat myself.

I look up when I hear him lightly chuckle. Usually, I would be offended that someone would laugh at me for being so scared from a movie but Harry knows how they get to me. I remember the one time we watched a scary movie during the week that he stayed over while Ed was in LA. I had practically cut off the circulation on his arm from clutching onto it so hard. I remember Harry laughing at me at first after the movie had finished but then, once he had realized how much it affected me, he had just held me tightly, soothing me, singing to me until I feel asleep.

How I wished he would’ve done that to me tonight.

A smile wins against my battle to hold it back and I take a step forward and kick him lightly.

“Don’t laugh at me. You know how much I hate scary movies.”

He laughs again. “Then why do you watch them?”

I shrug. “I thought that if I watched enough of them, I wouldn’t be scared of them anymore.”

“And how’s that going for you?” he grins.

I pout. “I think I get more scared every time I watch one.”

He laughs louder this time, his eyes widening and a hand shooting up to cover his mouth, remembering that Louis and Eleanor were still sleeping upstairs.

He waves me over and nods towards the music room. “Let’s go in there.”

I nod and push myself off of the wall, following him inside the room. Luckily - and partially unluckily - he grabs his shirt from the back of a chair and puts it on. He takes the guitar and goes to sit in the couch by the wall and I go to sit beside him. He plays around with some notes but he faces me, nodding his head to a beat, occasionally making funny faces that would make me laugh.

“So, Ms. Benson, have you written any new songs?”

I tense and look down at my lap. I have written - well, started - a couple of songs since he broke up with me. One was the expected hate song and, surprisingly, I found myself writing another love song about him.

I have no idea why but I think it was because of the fact that I still clung to the idea that Harry and I still had a chance back then. I’m not sure if I still do now. I don’t want to be lead to disappointment or rejection or hurt again.

It made for a good song but now it’s slightly embarrassing.

He can probably read my mind from my actions since he stops playing. The only sounds we can hear now are each other’s breathing.

“Hey, remember our deal? I play a song so you have to play one, too,” he says.

I relax tremendously at his suggestion and look up at him with a small smile.

“Hey, that part of the deal is done. And I never asked you to sing that song for me. I was just lucky enough to eavesdrop.”

We laugh, feeling the atmosphere lighten again.

“Oh, come on. I was going to play you that song eventually and I would’ve made you sing another song for me.”

My gaze falters. “But…”

“I don’t care if you wrote a song about me telling me that you hate my guts or where every line is ‘f*ck you’.”

I laugh out loud. He really wants me to play one of my songs for him. I have no idea why.

“I just want to know what’s going on in that pretty, little head of yours,” he adds. He’s so casual about the compliment. He just starts to play the guitar quietly again.

“Um…sure. Yeah, why not?”

What am I getting myself into?

Before I can back out, he’s handing me the guitar with a smile on his face. I take it and place it on my lap.

I pluck some notes, making sure that it’s tuned. Harry gets comfortable on the couch, placing his knee on the seat in between us so he can completely face me. I do the same, placing the curve of the guitar on my knee.

The love song or the hate song?

The song he wrote for me was beautiful and spoke every word that I was feeling at some point after our breakup. I’m not sure if I still feel that way, wanting him back, wanting another chance, wanting to try again but the song that I decided to play right now shows that, no matter what, there will always be a small part of me that will always hope to have my happiness back with Harry.

So I start the song, feeling Harry’s powerful gaze burning through my skin. I stay focused on the guitar at first but when I start to sing, I give myself the privilege to look up at him and meet his gaze.

(Play 'Amazing' now)

“Say a prayer, say a little common sense, 
Stay right there, stay right there in our defense,
Give a little bit, give a little bit more,
Just a little bit, babe, a little bit more.

“You're amazing, you're amazing and it’s true,
No one can save me, no one can save me like you do,
This is crazy, yeah, it’s crazy but it’s true,
So baby save me, baby, save me like you do.

“Stay away, stay close enough to care,
I love that name, yeah, I see it everywhere,
So can we get along, can we get along much more?
Just a little bit, babe a little bit more.

“You're amazing, you're amazing and it’s true,
No one can save me, no one can save me like you do,
This is crazy, yeah, it’s crazy but its true,
So baby save me, baby, save me like you do.

“And when you found me I was barely breathing,
You take my heart and you make it even,
I'll be your strong side, I've grown,
And every part of me will never go back,
It’s what you started in me, you better know I'm all yours.

“So believe me when I say,
You're amazing, you're amazing and it’s true,
No one can save me, so baby save me like you do,
This is crazy, yeah it’s crazy but its true,
Baby save me, baby, baby, save.

“You're amazing, you're amazing and it’s true,
No one can save me, no one can save me like you do,
Yeah this is crazy, yeah it’s crazy but it’s true,
Baby save me, baby save me like you do.

“Baby save me like you do.”

I never took my eyes off of him and he with me. I wanted him to hear those words. Every single word that I felt after he broke my heart. Even though he broke me, I still wanted him to be the one to save me. I wanted to be saved just like he did when I came here. I wanted him to know that meeting him has brought countless memories that I will remember for forever. I wanted him to know how coming here to run away from my problems with Marcus was the best decision I made. He saved me. He saved me in a way that no one understands and sometimes I think he doesn’t know it either.

So can we get along, can we get along much more?

I wrote this part of the song not realizing back then that I still wanted to be friends with him. I wanted this. I wanted to have someone who I can be carefree with, someone to be silly with, someone who can make me laugh when I’m feeling down. I will take this over nothing with Harry.

Stay away, stay close enough to care.

Even though I had told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, that I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again, I still wanted to know that he cared about me. I grew crazy thinking that he would actually do what I said and stay away from me. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to talk to him again. I wanted to know if he still loved me like he said he did.

I wanted him to know how grateful I am for everything he’s done for me. Helping me move on, helping me heal, making me smile, laugh, making me forget about my worries, helping me get over my fear of singing and playing in front of people, making me feel loved again and letting me know that that love was real. For everything.

I look into his bright, green eyes, trying to decipher the emotions running through them. I really wish he would believe every word I wrote about him, for him.

He reaches his hand out towards me, resting it on my cheek. I tense but then relax at his touch. However, I can now see the emotion flashing in his eyes and I immediately tense again. I know that look and I start to lightly shake my head.

The shake of my head grows feverish as he leans in. I pull away but his hand remains attach to my cheek.

“No, Harry,” I whisper.

His face visibly falls but then, understanding overtakes his features.

We’re doing well. We’re making progress at trying to be friends again. I can’t let it be ruined.

I want to ask him why he keeps wanting to be intimate with me, like when he went to hold my hand as we went downstairs and now with him trying to kiss me.

I thought we established that we’re both going to put the effort into trying to be friends again so why is he doing this? And he’s still with Ivana. I remind myself of that fact and I know that I’m making the right decision in stopping him.

I can see the hurt appear in his eyes, radiating to the rest of his face. I know what he’s feeling right now. It’s exactly how I felt when I heard his song. No matter how much faith each of our songs gave each other in thinking that we could be together again, we both know - or at least, I know - that it’s never going to happen. Anything and everything seems to be coming in between us and it’s driven us too far apart. Far from each other’s reach and trapping us just a few inches out of reach of each other’s heart.

Even though that was just part of the song, I still wanted him to know how grateful I am for him. I want him to know how special he is and how I will always have a space for him in my heart. So I reach up, mirroring him and place my hand on his cheek. His eyes soften and he leans into my touch.

I want him to feel reassured that, even though we both should stop believing that we can be together again, we will always need each other. No matter how much we think that we can only be together or be nothing at all, we have to try and we have to make it work because I know that I won’t be able to survive without him being in my life, even as just a friend.

He does things to me - for me - that no one else has or ever will. I’m not entirely sure what it is but I can always feel it, I can sense it whenever he’s around me and I plan on giving myself the privilege of being able to feel that as much as I can.

And I want Harry to feel that way, too. I want him to be happy with what we have. I know he wants more but I can’t give him that. But I will try my damned hardest to make sure that I give him as much happiness as he’s given to me. He’s saved me once and when an opportunity comes, I want to be able to have the honour of being able to save Harry, no matter what it’s from.

I caress my thumb along his cheek, wanting the gesture to amplify my next words to him, hoping he’ll believe it.

 

“You’re amazing, Harry.”

 

***********************************

 

This chapter though <3 <3 <3

Anyways, what did you think of this chapter??

And the songs, aren't they amazing? They fit so well with what Harry and Lily are going through.

15 more likes and 15 comments for the next chapter. I'm almost done writing it so go vote and comment!

Thanks for reading <3

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