Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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43. Nostalgia

Lily’s POV

I can do this.

We can do this.

We can be friends. We’ve been friends before. It won’t be hard.

Right?

After mine and Harry’s talk, I went to take a shower, borrowing some clothes from Perrie so I could take off my tight dress. I put on some light makeup, leaving my hair down to dry before I made my way down to the kitchen where everyone was having breakfast.

Everyone is seated around the dining room table and the counter when I walk in. Harry picks his head up from looking at his phone and gives me a smile. I immediately smile back, glad that we’re in a slightly better place where I have to avoid eye contact with him.

I still don’t know how we’re going to do this so I’m just going to take it nice and slow. I have to keep some walls up. I know that it’s not going to be exactly how it was when we were just friends. I won’t be able to trust him completely just yet.

I look away and take the empty seat beside Eleanor at the counter. She links her arm through mine, resting her head on my shoulder as continues to scroll through her Instagram. I’m looking at the pictures with her when she scrolls to one with a guy with his shirt off, flexing his arms for the camera.

Both of us snort in laughter because he has absolutely no muscle mass in his body. His puckered lips are just the cherry on top as we continue to giggle. Everyone’s looking at us like we’re crazy and I glance over at Harry and he’s just grinning at me.

I focus back on Eleanor’s screen and she’s about to scroll to the next picture but I reach my hand over and double tap on the screen, a heart appearing on top of the picture.

“Lily!”

She unlinks her arm from mine and frantically starts to click on the ‘unlike’ button until it turns back to a white colour. Once it does, she visibly relaxes and lets out a huge breath. I’m still laughing as she playfully pushes me, but I don’t react fast enough as I find myself falling down to the ground with a small scream.

I land on the hard ground and Eleanor immediately hops off of her seat and walks over to me, worry flashing in her eyes.

“Oh my gosh, Lily. I’m so sorry. I totally didn’t mean to push you that hard.”

I see everyone looking down at me but I’m just lying here still laughing my head off. I can’t seem to stop and I think it’s partly because I’m in such a good mood today.

Everyone starts to realize that I’m okay as they go back to what they were previously doing.

“Come on. Get up.” Eleanor rolls her eyes and extends her hand out to me. I take it as my laughter finally starts to die down. I wipe my tears away, sitting back down on the seat beside Eleanor.

“He better not have seen what you did,” Eleanor warns me, looking at me with narrowed eyes. “I’m going to kill you if he did.”

“Hopefully he does, so maybe he’ll be motivated to actually work out and grow muscles.”

I can see Eleanor try to hold back her laughter but it erupts from her lips as she shakes her head. “You’re crazy, Lily.”

I just laugh and take out my phone, going through my Twitter. I see a new notification appear on the top of my screen, seeing a new text message from Eleanor.

I look over at her but she just innocently keeps her gaze on her phone. I turn my focus back on my phone and open my messages, going to mine and Eleanor’s conversation.

*You’re in a good mood ;)*

I smile at the text, trying to hide it from wandering eyes.

*I’ll tell you and Perrie about it after :)*

“Hey, Perrie. Are you free today?” Eleanor asks the second that she reads my text. I smile and roll my eyes.

Perrie looks at us confusedly before shaking her head. “Yeah. Why? What’s up?”

“Let’s have a girl’s day, yeah?” Eleanor suggests. “It’s been a while.”

Eleanor is already standing up from her seat, hanging her bag on her shoulder.

“Uhh…okay.” Perrie looks at her with a mix of confusion and amusement and I give her a shrug of my shoulders when she looks over at me.

“I’ll see you later, babe.” Eleanor gives Louis a kiss on his cheek.

“I guess we’ll have a lad’s day then?” he says to the others. They all agree to stay here at Zayn’s, stating that they were too lazy to go out.

“Bye, Zayn.” Perrie gives Zayn a kiss before she walks over to us. I’m about to follow the girls out but Harry stands up and stands in front of me.

“Can I talk to you real quick?” he says, his face laced with nervousness.

I give him a smile to attempt to calm him. “Of course.”

He leads me out to the patio, closing the door behind me. I decide to stand, seeing as how he said this would be quick. He turns to face me, his hands in his pockets, before he starts swaying on the balls of his feet.

“What’s up, Harry?”

He finally looks at me and I continue to give him a comforting smile.

“I just…I wanted to make sure that we’re okay.” Just as his whole body is emitting nervousness, his voice is just as nervous.

I smile, my eyebrows scrunching in confusion. After the talk we had, I had thought that he knew how much I wanted us to try to be friends again. He shouldn’t be worried about it. I just want us to be good again, no awkwardness.

“Harry. We’re more than okay, alright? I know it’s going to take a while for us to get used to this but you don’t have to be worried about anything. It’ll just be like old times.”

Finally, a smile appears on his face, every sign of worry and nervousness leaving his body.

“Those old times were great, weren’t they?” he chuckles.

“Yeah, it was such a long time ago, huh?” I joke, earning a laugh from Harry. “Honestly, Harry, we’re okay. I want to spend the rest of my time here just…being happy. No more drama, no more bitterness. I’m putting everything behind us and I really do want to be friends again.”

He nods his head, biting his lip to hold back a bit of his huge smile threatening to erupt on his face.

“So…friend,” he laughs. “I was hoping we could continue to work on our deal again sometime soon,” he smirks.

A wave of nostalgia crashes over me as he brings up our deal. It seems like it was so long ago that we worked on our deal for the first time. My mind flashes to the time when I was finally able to play in front of someone other than Ed. I remember how exhilarating it was to sing and play for Harry. I had almost forgotten about it. The millions of wonderful memories made afterwards putting it in the back of my head. But now that it’s flashing in front of my eyes, I start feel more positive that things between Harry and I can be good again, that we can be friends again like we were before.

I smile and nod. “I would love that. But…are you sure Ivana won’t mind us spending time together?”

Ivana had enough of a problem with me back when I was ignoring Harry, who knows what she’s going to be like when she finds out that we’re friends again.

“She’ll be fine. We’re just friends, right? And if she has a problem with it then…”

He trails off, tensing as he looks away. He clears his throat.

“She’ll be fine with it.” He gives me a reassuring smile but I still find myself hesitant when it comes to Ivana.

“Okay,” I say with a nod. “Well, I should go. The girls are probably waiting for me.”

Harry nods his head. “Alright. Um…I’ll text you when I’m free.”

“Sounds good. Just make sure you don’t drop by Ed’s flat without telling me first. I still have to talk to him about us being friends now.”

I laugh along with Harry, feeling the air around us lighten.

After I go out with the girls today, I’m going to have to go back to Ed’s flat and explain to him everything that happened last night and this morning. I know that he’s not going to be happy about it but I’m hoping he’ll understand how I don’t want to spend the rest of my time here being ma at Harry. It’ll take a lot of convincing but I’m sure he’ll understand how I’m feeling.

“Look, I’m sorry if what I’ve done is getting in between your’s and Ed’s friendship. I feel like I’ve been messing it up since you got here.”

I shake my head. “No. You haven’t at all. What me and Ed go through is only because of the two of us, not anyone else and definitely not you. It might not seem like it but our friendship has actually become stronger since I got here. You haven’t messed it up at all. Okay?”

He avoids my gaze, still looking upset about the situation. I find myself taking a step closer to him and bring my hand up to his cheek, pulling it up so he could look at me. His face softens dramatically as his green eyes meet mine and for a second, my mind goes blank except the image of Harry standing in front of me.

“Okay?” I whisper one more time. He smiles and nods, looking like he’s finally convinced. “I actually have to go now.”

He chuckles as I take my hand back from his face.

“Have fun with the girls. I’ll talk to you later.”

“I will, thanks. Have fun with the lads.”

I lead the way back to the house but Harry grabs my wrist and lightly pulls me back. I look at him with confusion until he pulls me into his arms and gives me a hug. Apart from being in his arms last night when we slept, this is the first time we’ve hugged since he left for the airport. It’s still an amazing feeling, even though this is just a friendly hug. I hug him back, allowing our hug to last longer than necessary.

I don’t know how long we stayed in this position but then I remember that I had to go.

“I really have to go now,” I chuckle. We pull away and I give him the most genuine smile I’ve had in the longest time. “We’ll talk later.”

“Alright. See you.” He smiles and leans forward to open the door. I turn around and step inside, seeing everyone still in their previous seats. Eleanor and Perrie are standing by the counter and smile at me when they see me come in.

“Are you ready to go?” Eleanor asks.

I nod. “Yeah, let’s go.” I turn to give Harry one last smile before I face the girls and follow them to the front door.

The second that we all hop into the car, the girls don’t waste time in interrogating me.

“Spill,” Perrie says from the driver’s seat.

“Tell us everything. We all saw that hug back there,” Eleanor states.

I laugh. “Can’t we wait until we’re all seated at lunch or something?”

Both girls groan and I laugh again as I notice that Perrie is driving slightly faster. I shake my head with a smirk.

I know that they were anxious to find out what happened last night but I really wanted to tell them in a more comfortable setting and a place where I can see them properly.

I see Perrie park the car near Oxford Street, knowing that we were going to spend the day shopping. We get out of the car and walk along the sidewalk, going inside TopShop for our first shopping trip.

As I’m scanning through a rack of crop tops, Perrie and Eleanor trap me on each side.

“So…care to explain now?” Perrie sings.

I playfully roll my eyes and sigh. “You girls are crazy.”

“Please,” Eleanor whines. “Please, please, please, please, ple--”

“Alright!” I laugh. “Wow, you two are persistent.”

They just smirk at me before they join in searching through the shirts with me.

“Well, do you remember when I told you that I needed to lie down last night?” I ask Perrie. She nods in reply. “Well, I was actually drunk because I needed to distract myself from Harry. I couldn’t handle it. Before that, I was just at the patio because I needed to get away from him but he found me. We…we had another argument about what we wanted and then he apologized and he said that he just wanted my forgiveness. I…I forgave him because I knew that I made mistakes too and it would be hypocritical of me.”

“But--”

“I know,” I say, interrupting Eleanor. “I know that what he did was way worse than what I did but…anyways, I’ll get to that later but then…he kissed me.”

Just like I expected, both of them gasp.

“But isn’t he still with Ivana?” Perrie asks, confusion overtaking her features.

I nod. “Yeah. I mean, I know this was hypocritical of me but…I kissed him back.” I avoid their gazes, not knowing whether they were giving me accusatory glances. “But I stopped him and I got upset with him for kissing me and…and I left. That’s when I asked you if I could lie down somewhere.”

If they think that me kissing Harry back was bad enough, they’re in for a treat once I tell them what happened in the guest room. I just hope that they listen to everything that I have to say and understand my actions, regardless of me being pissed drunk.

“So, anyways…he found me again in the guest room and he tried to apologize again and I even more upset. I started listing off every hurtful thing he’s done to me and then he actually grabbed the bottle of vodka out of my hands. He seemed…upset. And then…” I started to blush, thinking about having to tell them about my actions that followed. “Look, just promise me that you won’t think less of me when I tell you what happened next, okay?” I plead. They both give me understanding looks and nod, their attention all focused on me. “So…I started teasing him. You know…I-I started touching him and then…I kissed him.”

I could see their eyes widen, giving each other a look. “Please understand that it was slightly because I was drunk but…mostly because…I started to feel worthless. I felt like neither Marcus or Harry actually loved me and…I just needed to feel wanted again. I know that’s a poor excuse to kiss Harry, especially since he’s still with Ivana but I was starting to lose it. I felt that I couldn’t be loved by anyone.”

Their glances softened at my explanation, every sign of accusation disappearing from their faces.

“I just…I didn’t want to think about anything so that’s why I kissed him. But he stopped me because he was worried about taking advantage of me and the fact that I would hate him even more in the morning. With that, I was starting to feel even more like shit and I somehow asked him if he still loved me.”

They were now looking at me expectantly, not knowing whether they wanted to hear the answer Harry gave me or the opposite.

“What did he say?” Perrie asks impatiently.

“He said he does and--”

“I knew it!” Eleanor exclaims. “We were both right!” She grins at Perrie and I just look at both of them with confusion.

They shake their heads. “We’ll explain after. Continue.”

I cock an eyebrow, deciding to wait for them to explain.

“Alright. So then I asked him what it was exactly that he loved about me because, you know, I was starting to feel like there was nothing about me that people loved.” I resist the tears threatening to build up in my eyes. “He…he started to tell me every single thing he loved about me, every little thing that made him fall in love with me. And I didn’t know what to think so…I decided to sleep it off, along with the alcohol so that I could talk to him about everything in my right mind. So he offered to stay with me in the guest room. He stayed on the couch and I was on the bed. But…I couldn’t sleep so…I went to lie down beside him.”

I decide to tell the rest of the story quickly, while I’m still able to keep myself together.

“So then, this morning, we talked again and we decided that we would just try to move past everything and be friends. I don't want to spend the rest of my time here avoiding him or being mad at him. I want the rest of the summer to be fun and drama-free. So…yeah, we’re going to try to make things work again.”

I take a deep breath and slowly look up at them. They look deep in thought, their eyebrows furrowed in contemplation.

“Am I doing the right thing or am I out of my mind for forgiving him?” I asked.

Their faces soften.

“Of course not. We think it’s great of you to take the high road and forgive him,” Eleanor explains. “Even though I think that he shouldn’t done more to earn your forgiveness, I think that you two being friends is a good idea. You two get along great and I agree with you not wanting to waste the rest of your time here avoiding him. I think you made a great decision.”

I feel a huge weight leave my shoulders, a smile appearing on my face. “Really?”

Perrie nods. “Yeah, I agree. I remember when you two were just friends and I think you two can have that again. I don’t like seeing you upset so I’m all for it.”

“I was actually worried that you two would think I was crazy for forgiving Harry so quickly, let alone deciding to be friends with him again. I mean, I guess I haven’t completely forgiven him, I’m just putting it all behind us and we’re going to work through it.”

“As you should. He should’ve been groveling at your feet for your forgiveness,” Perrie says, turning her attention back to the clothes.

Eleanor and I laugh, both of us copying Perrie’s actions and looking through the rows of clothes once again.

“Hey, I still have the chance to,” I joke.

“You totally should. Make him suffer at least a little bit for what he did,” Eleanor suggests.

I just shake my head in amusement but I find myself contemplating it. Maybe I should make him earn my forgiveness somewhat, now that we’re friends again. If I do, I’ll have to make sure that it’s sincere and genuine.

Before I can think of a plan, Perrie drags Eleanor and I to the dressing rooms to try out the clothes that we picked out.

**

After spending hours shopping with the girls and having a late lunch, Perrie drops me off at Ed’s. I take my bags and haul them up to his flat. Ed is sitting in the living room with his guitar once I walk in. He looks up at me with a smile, putting the guitar on the stand.

“Hey, how was shopping?”

I had texted him this morning telling him that I was going to be out with the girls and that I needed to talk to him when I got home. I’m sure he knows exactly what it is that I wanted to talk about and the wariness in his eyes confirms that.

“Good. It was nice to be out with the girls again.”

He just nods in response. I put the bags down by the hallway and go to sit beside him.

“So…you wanted to talk?” he asks.

I’m overwhelmed with nervousness, avoiding his gaze but realizing that he’s avoiding mine as well.

“Yeah, um…it’s about--”

“Harry,” he finishes for me. “I know.”

I tense at his tone. His voice is flat and expressionless, like he’s tired of hearing about it.

“Yeah, so, long story short, we’ve decided to put everything behind us and try to be friends again.”

“Lily, how you could be so stupid?” I jump as he stands up and accuses me. I sit in shock, my mouth frozen shut in bewilderment. “Why do you keep giving him more chances? How many more time does he have to f*ck up before you realize that he doesn’t deserve you, your forgiveness or even your friendship?”

“Ed--”

“He’s just going to keep messing up and hurting you. You’re just giving him another chance to try to win you over and then he’s going to hurt you again.”

“But--”

“I’ve had enough of this back and forth between you and Harry. I wish you hadn’t met him. Things would’ve been much more peaceful.”

Now I’m silenced. He didn’t even let me explain. He didn’t let me tell him how I’m feeling about everything with Harry and I.

He wishes that I never met Harry?

“You mean you wish I never came here?” I accuse. “Things would’ve been better for you if I had never come here in the first place?”

Ed just stares at me.

I stand up and grab my bag. “Well, you know what? I’m sorry that I didn’t follow your rules or…or respect your wishes with the decisions that I made. I’m sorry that me coming here has brought so much distress to you. I’ll do you a favour and get out of your hair so you can have your peace.”

I walk past him and head to the door. I walk out, slamming the door behind me.

I’ve never had a fight like this with Ed. Even when we did fight, I always knew that we would eventually talk it out and make up but this time, I feel like it’s too big to solve right away. I feel like this is a fight that’s been fighting to be brought up between the two of us. I feel like Ed’s been biting his tongue about Harry and I and now he can’t hold it in.

This was the last straw for him.

I make my way down the elevator, out of the lobby and into the fresh air. I just walk, letting the late afternoon sun hit my skin.

I don’t know what to do. I already have enough stress about starting this friendship again with Harry and now I feel like I’m losing Ed in the process. It’s ironic how I was reassuring Harry that he wasn’t coming in between Ed and mine’s relationship and then this happens but I honestly didn’t think that he was. I still don’t think he is. I think that Ed is just letting his protectiveness over me affect our own friendship.

Even from the beginning, his protectiveness was annoying me. At times, it was suffocating. But I knew that he was just looking out for me. I always reminded myself of that fact every time that I wanted to be mad at him for it.

But now, I feel like it’s getting out of hand. I can take care of myself and, like I told him before, he has to let me make my own decisions and make my own mistakes.

Ed most likely thinks that deciding to be in a relationship with Harry was a mistake. But it wasn’t. We didn’t work out but it wasn’t a mistake. And now, Ed must think that I’m making another mistake in deciding to be friends with Harry again after everything that he did to me.

I know that it’s not going to be a mistake.

At least I hope it won’t.

 

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