Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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67. Missed Calls

Playlist:

All of the Stars - Ed Sheeran

You R In Love - Taylor Swift

In Repair - John Mayer

**

Harry’s POV

This is where I go every night. Our spot. It is hard to come here and be reminded of the amazing times I spent with Lily but it somehow gives me a sense of peace. I just sit on the ledge and look out at the view. At night, I look up at the stars and the moon. I always try to believe that Lily is looking at the moon with me. It’s what brought us together.

I’d like to think that the one that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with is staring up the moon with me at the same time.

I remember when Lily had said that, both of us were looking at the moon at the exact same time. I had that weird feeling inside when she said it. I never thought that that moment would lead to everything that happened to us.

I still believe that what Lily said is true for the both of us. I know it’s scary to think about the future like this but there is no one else I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. It’s only Lily. It’s been her since I had first realized that I was in love with her. I realized it every time I woke up with her beside me, knowing that I wanted to wake up to her every morning.

I realized it every time I kiss her, knowing that I wanted to kiss her again and again.

I realized it when I lost her, realizing that I can’t go one day without seeing her, talking to her, that I wanted nothing more than to be with her again and never part from her.

That’s why I come here to our spot every night to look up at the moon. It gives me peace as it reminds me of what it gave me. It also gives me hope.

And every night here at the spot, I end up going through my phone to look through my pictures. Just the ones that I took of Lily and I together.

The ones we took in her room where I sat behind her and wrapped my arms around her. I smile at every picture, whether we were just smiling, ones where we were making silly faces, ones where I kissed her cheek and others where she kissed mine, ones where we were just looking at each other, ones where she was smiling at the camera while I just smiled looking at her, and ones where we were kissing.

These pictures will never leave my phone. They’ve never left even when we broke up. I had to change the background while I was with Ivana but now that it’s over, I didn’t think twice about putting a picture of Lily and I back.

I’m just holding on to the hope that I’ll get the chance to take more pictures with her again in the future.

It’s been six days since she left and even though sometimes I feel like there’s no more hope, I just come here or I look at Lily’s bracelet or a picture of us together, and I find that hope again. I just have to be patient. I can’t rush this. I need to give her time and space and I have to give that to myself, too. I’ve been tempted to call her or text her every single day but I know that I have to give her some space. If she wanted to talk to me, she would.

Every night I go home from our spot, I go straight to bed and put up the screenshot that Lily took of us when we Skyped the night before she was supposed to meet me in Paris. It was the screenshot she took of us when we went to bed together, both of us lying down and falling asleep together.

I always imagine that it’s happening at this exact moment. I don’t know how but it’s somehow the only thing that helps me go to sleep.

Every night, I always hope and pray that in the morning, I’ll hear from her, through text, through a call, through anything.

But every morning, I wake up to nothing.

**

Lily's POV

"You what?"

"I'm sorry, Lily. He seemed so desperate. He was freaking crying on the phone."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, attempting to stop the headache caused by the news that Ed just shared with me on the phone. I put the call on speakerphone and drop it on my bed, resting my head on both of my hands.

"You told Harry that I was leaving early after I told you not to tell anyone?"

"I-I panicked. I didn't know how to lie. It's not like I could tell him that you went back to my place and then he'd find you were gone when he came looking for you."

I guess I should've figured it out. It's not like Harry had time to wake up, go to Ed's place to see if I was there and then figure out that I went to the train station. Ed was the only person that knew that I was leaving early so I should've known that he had told Harry.

"Well...you...you could've told him you didn't know where I was."

He scoffs. "Yeah, like he would believe me. Look, it's over. It's not like you died or anything."

I roll my eyes. "Well, it sure felt like it. Ed, I decided to leave early because I was trying to avoid the fact that I had to say goodbye to him. Again."

"Are you mad at me?"

I take a deep breath. "No, Ed. I'm not mad. I...I just...I'm more confused now than I've ever been."

"You'll figure it all out with time. You don't have to figure it all out right now."

I play with the tears of my jean shorts. "Yeah, I know. I just...the letter."

I had called Ed in the first place to ask him about when Harry had dropped off the letter. All he told me was that Harry had come up to the flat and had desperately asked him to put the letter in my suitcase and to not let me know about it.

"Have you talked to him yet?"

It was just yesterday that I read the letter but I'm just as confused now as I was when I read it for the first time.

"No, not yet. I have no idea what I would say. It's not like I can just say 'thank you'. I...I don't know what to do." I groan and fall back on the bed.

Ed remains silent for a while, surely the gears in his head are working like they usually are.

"You should talk to him, Lil."

I just groan in response.

"Just answer me this. If you had read that letter before you left, would you have done anything differently? Would you have changed what you said to Harry?"

And like always, Ed has managed to make me come to my senses.

If I had read that letter before I left, what would I do?

I know I'm just trying to deny it but I think I would've gone to Harry. I wouldn't have left early and I wouldn't have broken his heart anymore that it already was, like I did before I got on that train.

The only thing I don't know is whether I would've taken him back. I'm still scared. I'm still scared of how things would be like if we did decide to be together again. Back when we were together, I would miss him even if we hadn't seen each other for one night. How can I handle not seeing him for days, weeks, even months?

"I'm going to take your silence as your answer." He pauses. "Call him, Lily. Let him know that you care."

I know Ed's right. If I don't call Harry, I'm sure he's going to think that I don't care. He poured his whole heart into this letter, he went out of his way to print the pictures, and he gave me his ring. I would have to be the most horrible person in the world not to say anything to him.

Now I know why I couldn't find his ring when I was looking for it before I left him. It was already in my suitcase. It's been in my suitcase since I told him to let me go. That thought sends shivers down my spine, the fact that when I told him to let me go, he put the ring in my suitcase. The ring that is now the only thing of his that I have.

I sigh. "I...I will. I just need to figure out exactly what I'm going to say to him."

"Lily, what do you want from him?"

I close my eyes, the overwhelming question repeating itself in my head.

"I just...I just want us to be in a place where we're able to talk to each other without being reminded of what happened. No matter how it may seem that we've moved past it, I'm always reminded, not only of the times we were together but also the times that we hurt each other. I want things to be how they were when we first met but I know that it won't be the same when all I can think about is what happened this summer."

"I understand. It'll all come in time. Hopefully you'll get what you want. But Lil? It can only get somewhere if you two start talking again."

I nod. "Yeah, I know. I will.

"Good." He pauses. "I'm gonna go visit him today."

I sit up again, staring down at my phone. "Oh. You are? Um...that's good. I mean...let me know how he is. I still feel guilty for how I left him."

I really am. The guilt has been growing inside of me since I stepped foot on that train, leaving him behind. But I had no other choice. The train was about to leave.

Did I have another choice?

"Don't worry. The other guys are going with me. I'm sure he needs some cheering up."

I just stay silent. The fact that all of them have to go to Harry to see if he's okay, to cheer him up, all because of me, just amplifies the guilt I'm already feeling.

"By the way, I'm not sure if they're yours but you left some clothes here. But they kind of look like Harry's."

I was hoping that it would be a while until Ed found Harry's clothes. Harry’s jacket, sweater and shirt are still in the closet. When I was packing, I was debating whether I should take them with me. I wanted to but it would just make all of this harder.

However, after reading that letter, especially when he had wrote down the memories of me wearing those clothes, I wish I had brought them now.

"Yeah, um...could you...bring them back to Harry when you go there?"

Silence.

"Yeah, sure."

Fortunately, he didn't press on any further about the clothes. If he did, I probably would've changed my mind and told him to keep it for me until I see him next.

"Anyways, I have to go. I'll talk to you later, okay?" he asks.

"Yeah. I have to go, too. Bye, Ed."

"Bye."

I end the call before I lie back down on my bed. I take the ring in my hand and play with it.

I need to decide whether I'd rather try to move on and find someone hopefully as amazing as Harry or to finally give in and ask him to be mine again.

Would I be better off finding someone that I'll love as much as I love Harry, someone who will always be there for me every day? Or will I be better being with Harry again but not being able to see him every day?

Who am I kidding? Even if Harry and I don't see each other every day, I know that he'll always be there for me. I know Harry. He'll do whatever it takes to make me happy, even though just talking to him does just that.

I guess I won't know how it'll work until I put myself in that position.

I know I still need to think about this some more. I'm still worked up from what happened at the train station yesterday and from when I read the letter last night. I need to get my thoughts straight and really think everything through.

So basically, this entire week at my parents, I allowed myself to do just that as I decide what I'm going to say to Harry. He'll understand why I haven't called him, right? I had told him before that I wanted to spend my last week of summer vacation with my parents.

However, every day that I allow myself to think over everything, as I realize things, I’m tempted to just stop this overthinking and just call him but I always stop myself. I just tell myself that waiting will be worth it. Thinking it over will be worth. I’ve acted impulsively too many times in these past few months and I know that I need to change that and not mess this up.

Every time I grab my phone and find myself about to call Harry, I just go to my pictures and look through the photos of Harry and I that I took of us. There are the pictures that we took on one of the days he stayed over while Ed was in LA. The ones of Harry sitting behind me with his arms around me. There are also ones of just him that I took, most of them without him knowing. There’s some where he’s driving, some of him cooking, eating, watching TV, playing video games with the other guys, a lot of pictures when we went to our spot, on the London Eye and there’s some where it was just the two of us hanging out doing nothing.

I find the one picture I took of him when I did his makeup and then the picture at Hyde Park where I put a bunch of grass on him while he was lying down on the ground. I also find the video I took of him when I scared him right after that and I always smile and laugh every time I watch it. I can see this adorable face when I scared him and I can see the sweet smile on his face and I can hear his beautiful laughter as he fights me for my phone. And then I laugh even harder when the camera focuses on the sky right when I had elbowed him in the face and then hearing Harry groaning. The video ends right after that but I can still picture everything that had happened afterwards.

I remember convincing him to put some ice on it and then Harry convincing me to ride his bike home cause he was “injured”. That was one of the best days I had this summer. It seems like it was such a long time ago but it was only just a couple of weeks.

I snap myself back to reality, knowing that I shouldn’t be reminiscing too much or I’ll just go crazy. I know that the time to finally call Harry is now past due but there’s always this little ounce of fear inside of me convincing me that I just need to wait until I know exactly how I feel and what I want.

There’s also a part of me that’s hoping that Harry will call me first but I know that I should be the one to do that. I know that Harry’s waiting for me to make the first move since he’s the one that had the last word with the letter. Even though he wrote that before I left, it’s still the only thing left that gives us a reason to still talk to each other.

If Harry hadn’t written me that letter or if I somehow had never found it or read it, I know that I wouldn’t find myself being the first one to talk. Even though I had told him that I would try to keep in touch, I had said that before what had happened in the train station.

I had left him. I had left him all alone at the train station and probably left him even more confused. Just like I was and still am.

Leaving him like that was the worst thing that I’ve ever done and it gave me the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. Of course I cried the entire train ride home. And the entire train ride home, all I could think about was the look on Harry’s face when I left him.

It was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen and I still can’t get it out of my head. It haunts me when I’m awake and it haunts me in my dreams.

I know I need to stop kidding myself. I had another choice. I could’ve gotten off that train and stayed at least one more day to talk things through with Harry. I could’ve just left one day later and still have enough time to spend the rest of my summer break with my parents.

I could’ve gotten off that train and done anything to heal at least a little bit of Harry’s heart that I broke even more when I left him. We could’ve talked and we could’ve made things better between us again. We’d be talking now and we wouldn’t have had to endure this past week in misery and confusion.

Who knows, maybe we could’ve gotten back together.

The fact that I’m hoping that I got off the train, that we had talked and that we could’ve gotten back together, what does that mean?

Is this what I want?

It's my last day here and my mum wanted to take me out for a girls' day. Manicure, pedicure, massage and a haircut. And then my dad would be joining us for dinner.

And since it's my last day and I will most likely be busy tomorrow when I move into the new flat in Manchester with Eleanor, I decide that it’s finally time to call Harry. I need to tell him what I realized this past week. I need to tell him what I want.

I sit on my bed, grabbing my phone and dial his number. I bite my lip as I wait for an answer. One ring. Two rings. Three--

"Hello? Harry's phone. Ivana speaking."

 

******************

 

Please vote and comment! This chapter is a bit shorter than usual BUT it's only because I'm going to try to update more often since I'm on Christmas break now. Unless you guys want the longer chapters but less frequent updates. Let me know!

Anyways, please comment what you guys thought of this chapter! What do you think is going to happen next? Do you think Harry and Lily will still end up together??

25 comments and 15 comments!

Thanks for reading! Love you guys! <3

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