Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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126. Limits

Lily's POV

Just when I thought this week couldn't get any worse, I woke up on Thursday and see that it's pouring rain outside. I had forgotten my umbrella in Harry's car from the last time it rained so I had to run to the car. Even with my jacket and hood up, I still managed to get wet from the rain.

I had to protect my bag because my paper that's due today is inside.

With the pouring rain and little visibility on the road, traffic is worse than it always is. I constantly glance at the clock, seeming like time was going twice as fast as it approaches the start of my first class.

The car crawls through the traffic until I finally reach the school and park in the parking lot. I still have ten minutes to run to class so I get out of the car and take off. I'm almost at the front door but my boot slips on the wet ground and I stumble. I manage to maintain my balance but I'm unable to keep my bag from dropping - of course - into a bug puddle.

I gasp as I quickly pick it up, the rain now completely soaking me from head to toe. I take my bag inside and rush to my class as I open it and see the damage. The water soaked through and everything inside is wet, including my paper.

I feel my heart drop as I take it out and see all eight pages completely soaked, the paper already wrinkling.

I can't hand this in. I know that the professor won't accept it.

I want to scream out in frustration but I don't have time. I rush to the library and find an open computer.

As it's loading up, I look down at my watch and see that it's five minutes until the start to class. There's a tiny part of me that thinks I'm going to make it but I know that it's nearly impossible. With the other students waiting in line for the printer, I know that I'm going to be late.

I quickly open up my email, thankful that I had sent my paper to myself last night, and I print it off. I get up and go to the back of the line for the printers and all I can do now is pray for the line to go faster.

One by one, students print off their stuff until it's finally my turn. I quickly walk up to the next available printer and log in, printing off my paper.

I impatiently wait as it starts printing. One by one the pages come out and I even count the number of papers that come out before I grab the entire thing and rush over to the stapler. I quickly staple it and then practically run out of the library and to my class.

Even when I was still in line, class had already started. I'm just hoping that the professor will be lenient and still let me hand it in without it being considered late.

He had specifically informed us that the paper is considered late if it's not handed in right at the beginning of class.

I run around people, shouting apologies as I go until I finally make it to my class. When I walk in, every single head turns to me, including the professor's. He gives me what looks like a condescending look as I slowly walk up to the front of the class, my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

I walk up to him and hold out my paper.

He takes it but then gives me a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to mark this as late."

I take a deep breath, about to explain to him what had happened but I knew that there would be no point. I'm one student. He wouldn't give me special treatment, no matter the circumstances.

Therefore, I just nod and turn around. I walk to the back of the class, feeling a few people's gazes on me as I sit down.

I want to cry but I know I'll just make an even bigger fool of myself. There's nothing I can do. Even though handing in a paper late means they'll take off 5% of my final mark, it's still 5%. It could make or break my final mark at the end of the semester.

Once again, I can feel the stress overwhelming me. I try to take a couple of deep breaths, calming myself down enough to pay attention to the professor.

I manage to listen to his lecture, write down notes and actually understand but then I think about that paper and then it's all I can think about.

Finally, class finishes and I walk out and take out my phone. I remember making plans with Matti and Marcus to have lunch together since I missed dinner last night, so I head to the restaurant that we always go to.

I'm the first one there and when I wait for them, I get a text from Marcus saying that he has to help Milly with her test. And then, I receive a text from Matti saying that she has to work on a group assignment for one of her other classes.

Once again, I end up having lunch alone. I order a soup and sandwich and decide to work on one of my other papers as I eat. I work through it on my laptop, which thankfully didn't get wet since it was in my laptop case.

I text Harry as well, but he told me that he's going to be busy tonight with a charity event and that he might not be able to call me later. I hate to say that I'm a little bit relieved, only because of the fact that I'm getting more and more swamped with school.

It's not just papers but also readings I have to do for classes next week.

I just text him that I love him and that I miss him, getting a just as sweet reply back. I know that we usually talk for at least a few minutes, even if it's just a conversation through text, but this is all we can do today.

I know we'll just make up for it tomorrow.

I focus back on my paper, working on it until have to head to my second and last class of the day.

Again, I'm able to pay attention, trying not to think about the number of papers that I have to work on once I get home. At the end of the class, of course, the professor assigns yet another paper due in a couple of weeks.

Yes, I know that these papers were outlined in the curriculum at the beginning of the semester but they only now gave us details about what the paper should be about.

When the professor dismisses us, I know right away that the only thing I should be doing is heading home and working on my papers. I gather my stuff and head out, making my way to the parking lot.

Thankfully, the rain had stopped. When I approach Harry's car, I see the same two girls from the other day, laughing and whispering to each other as they watch me.

I know that I should ignore them but I honestly don't want to deal with it anymore so, I walk up to them and cross my arms as I stand in front of them.

"Is there a problem?" I ask.

The one girl with short brown hair scoffs and raises an eyebrow at me. "So, how is it living off of your boyfriend?"

Are they serious? This is some high school type drama.

"Excuse me?" I snap, narrowing my eyes at them.

"Well, that must be the reason you're with him, right?" the other girl with blonde hair replies. "While he's off on your, you're reaping yourself with his rewards."

Of course. They're fans of One Direction.

"You have no idea what you're talking about. You don't know me. You don't know my boyfriend. And I do not live off of him."

I feel the need to explain to them that I pay for my own things and that I have never asked Harry to buy me anything but I know that they don't deserve to know.

"Oh, really? Well, that sparkly bracelet and that car beg to differ."

Her words are like a slap to the face and I'm sure they can see it. I glance at them and then Harry's car and down to the charm bracelet that he had given me. I look back up at them, seeing them look at me with triumphant smirks on their faces.

"He's...he's only letting me borrow that car," I mutter.

The brown-haired girl rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Okay, whatever you say. Well, if he breaks up with you, at least you have his best friend as your backup to buy you things."

And that was a kick to my stomach. I can feel my tears prickling in my eyes but I can also feel anger boiling up inside me. I want to yell at them, telling them that they know nothing, that they're horrible people, that those rumours aren't true but I know that it'll just make things worse.

I know that they won't back down even if I tried to explain to them the truth. I don't know them. I don't know what they could do with that information.

All I can do is give them one more glare before I turn around and walk over to the car. I quickly hop inside and turn it on. I back out of the parking space and, just as I'm about to drive off, I take one more glance at them and see them still laughing at me.

I let the tears fall as I drive home, their words repeating over and over again in my head. I had thought that I would be able to move on from those rumours but, now that I've come across someone addressing those rumours straight to my face, it's even worse than before.

I can feel it eating me up inside as I think about all of the horrible things that people are thinking about me because of it.

The tears fall faster, too fast for me to wipe away as I drive.

I reach home eventually and even when I go to my room and try to focus all of my attention on my schoolwork, I can't stop thinking about the horrible words those girls had said to me.

I glance at my phone, a debate going on in my head as to whether I should do what I've been constantly telling myself not to do.

I can't fight it anymore. I grab my phone and go to sit on my bed. With shaking hands, I open up my Twitter and search my name. As soon as I do, I read tweet after tweet about the rumours. There's a few saying that they don't believe them at all, even defending me and saying that I would never do that to Harry. However, the majority of the tweets or the complete opposite.

People are calling me a two-faced slut. A cheater. A gold digger. And so many more horrible things.

As I read more and more, I feel it eating away at my self-worth. I feel it clinging to all the strength I had when the rumours first came out and completely taking over. I can feel myself crumbling, letting the words slice through my heart.

I start crying for the second time today, feeling the pain tingle throughout my entire body. Even though I know I should stop, I find myself opening up my Instagram and going through the comments on my pictures.

I go to the most recent one, the one I posted of Harry and I before the party. Just like I thought, I read the same type of comments one after the other but now, people are saying that I'm bragging about being with Harry, that I'm shoving it in their faces that we're together. There are also people saying that I'm only using Harry for fame and for his money.

That's the worst thing that people could say about us, that I'm only using him. They don't know that I love him for everything he is. I wish people would understand that. I know that even if I expressed this to everyone, they would still find something else to say about me.

There's no stopping if even if I tried everything. There's no stopping the horrible feelings it gives me.

I force myself to turn off my phone, throwing it on the bed before I start sobbing. Eventually, my sobs turn into a full-blown panic attack, especially when I think about every other thing that I'm dealing with right now.

I start to hyperventilate, my vision blurry and my mind hazy as I break down. I tried to hold it in. I tried to show how strong I was but there's only so much a person can't take. Everyone has their limits and it seems that I've reached mine.

I continue to cry, lying down and letting my tears soak the pillow. I try to clear my thoughts. I try to stop torturing myself.

I cry until I've cried all my tears out. I cry until I'm left to just sniffles. My eyes and my cheeks are sore from constant swiping. My eyelids are puffy and heavy. My nose is red and stuffy.

I don't even bother trying to do any of my schoolwork. I know that I'm not in the right mindset to even think about it. So, I just lay there in complete silence, just staring at the wall until I finally stop crying.

I glance at the clock and see that it's nearing 7 o'clock. This is the time I usually have my dinner but I don't even have an appetite.

Suddenly, I hear the front door open and I quickly go under the covers and pretend to sleep. I don't want El to see me like this. I don't want to have to explain to her what brought me to this. I have a feeling she'll tell Lou and I know that he'd definitely tell Harry.

I try to calm my breathing just as she lightly knocks.

"Lily?" she whispers as she opens the door. I keep quiet, waiting a few seconds before the door closes. I wait until I hear her walk away and then what sounds like her going into her room.

I open my eyes but I just continue to stare at the wall.

I stay like this, my mind blank but occasionally being taunted by my thoughts. I glance at the clock every now and then, watching an hour pass after another, just as the sky outside turns darker and darker.

Still, I remain in my spot, unable to gather enough energy to move. I know that if I move, I'll see something that will remind of me the reason behind my breakdown. I've cried enough today to last me a lifetime. I don't want to have to go through it again.

As the day reaches midnight, another thought starts to creep into my mind, a thought I've been suppressing not only today but for the past week.

I had thought that Harry would mention it last week in London but he didn't.

I had thought that he would mention it right before I left but he didn't.

I had thought that he would mention it these past few days on the phone but he didn't.

I had thought that he would acknowledge it first thing today when I woke up but he didn't.

I had thought that he was going to wait until just before the clock strikes 12 to finally say it but he didn't.

And as I watch the lock change from 11:59 to 12 midnight, I finally lose all the hope I was holding onto.

I was waiting all day for him to say something but he didn't.

Harry forgot our two-month anniversary.

*********************

Uh-oh! Someone's in trouble! LOL

Let me know what you think :)

45 votes and 15 comments for the next chapter! Thanks for reading :)

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