Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


62. Let Me Go




I highly recommend you lIsten to 'Say Something' by A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera. I posted it with the chapter but if you're reading it on the app, you can't play it. If you're reading it on a computer, it's on the top. If you have it your music library, play it there and put it on repeat so itll play throughout the whole chapter. Or you can just play any other super depressing song that you like. Or you don't have play any song so it won't make it any more depressing than it already is and you won't hate me as much after you finish reading it LOL

Anyways, sorry for rambling. Enjoy the chapter!


Harry’s POV

Three days.

Three days has passed since that dreadful night. I listened to Ed and gave Lily a day without me on my knees begging for forgiveness at her door. The morning after that night, I rushed to Ed’s place but, after hearing Lily through the door and threatening Ed, he wouldn’t even let me in. He had just stepped outside in the hall to talk to me.

He had told me that Lily didn’t want to see me. She didn’t even want to hear me out. I had bought her a bouquet of yellow and red roses. I had asked the lady working at the booth about which ones would show that I’m sorry. She had recommended the yellow roses and I decided to add in some red ones to hopefully show Lily that I still love her.

However, when I had come back later that night to see if I would have any luck talking to her, I found the roses strewn on the floor across from Ed’s door, like it was thrown against the wall.

The day after, I had sent her three more dozen roses of the same arrangement and a stuffed bear holding a heart, and that same night, I had found them in the same way that I found them the night before, spread across the floor with the bear lying on top of the mess of roses.

I took the bear with me, not even bothering to attempt to talk to Lily, or even Ed. There was no point.

And now, today, I didn’t bother sending any more roses, either. I know that it would be another waste and I know that I have to think of another way to show her a small bit of how sorry I am.

I have been texting her non-stop these past three days, all of them with no replies. Most of them were apology texts and the rest were just asking her to give me the chance to talk to her.

I don’t know what else to do. I start to lose my mind once I think about the fact that Lily is leaving in four days. Today is Tuesday and she leaves on Saturday.

I was supposed to spend every single day this week with her and I haven’t been able to see her even once.

I’ve only heard her voice through Ed’s door when she was yelling at him to keep me from going inside his flat. Even though I only heard her when she was yelling, it was somehow a relief to hear her voice. It reassured me that she was still here. It reassured me that I still had a chance to talk to her.

And now, as I sit in the lobby of Ed’s building, I pray for the chance that Lily will walk out of the elevator and have no choice but to talk to me. I would’ve asked Ed to somehow convince her to go out but I know that Lily will figure it out and I don’t want to cause any more trouble between the two of them.

I sit here for almost two hours, keeping myself busy with my phone. I shoot my head up every time I hear the elevator open but it’s never her.

However, just as I’m about to give up and head home, the elevator opens and a wave of pain shoots through my entire body when I see her. She hasn’t looked up and noticed me, so I carefully stand up and head towards her. I step in front of her and she finally looks up. Her eyes widen and she freezes in her spot.

I take a good look at her. There are dark bags under her eyes, she has no makeup on, her hair is tossed up in a careless bun but the most prominent change in her features is the light absent from her eyes, from her entire face. It’s completely void of any emotion.

I can see her about to take a step to the side but I stand in front of her again and hold my hands out in front of me.

“Lily, please. Let me explain.”

She looks away and her jaw tightens. “I told you that I don’t want to hear it.”

She takes another step but I stop her once again. “Lily. We can’t do this. I can’t go on like this, especially with you leaving in four days. I can’t let you leave like this.”

She flicks her eyes at me. “Let me? You don’t get to “let” me do anything and I don’t have to do anything you want me to do, especially something that I think is pointless.”

She quickly walks past me and I turn around and follow her. “Just please hear me out. If you still don’t want anything to do with me after that, then I’ll accept it but I just need you to listen to me.”

I look past her, through the windows, and see a couple of paparazzi standing outside. Lily must notice them, too, because she stops in her tracks.

She takes a deep breath and turns around. “There’s no point, Harry. Don’t you get it? It’ll be better if we end things like this. We only end up getting hurt. Me being the one who usually gets the short end of the stick.” I can see her eyes moistening. “I--”

She looks away and takes a shaky breath. I know it’s horrible to feel good about her getting upset but it relieves me to see that she’s finally showing some emotion towards me. I prefer her crying over her not showing any emotion towards me.

She goes into her bag and pulls out a pair of sunglasses, putting them on. Even though it’s slightly sunny out, I know that the real reason she’s wearing them is to cover her eyes from the prying paparazzi.

She fixes it on her face and then turns around. I quickly walk around her and stand in front of her, stopping her once again as I block her way to the door.

“Harry, please, get out of my way.”

“No, not until you give me a chance to talk.”

Even though I can’t see her eyes, I can tell she’s getting agitated from her clenching jaw.

She takes a step closer to me, pointing her chin up. “Move.”

I can tell she’s trying to sound strong right now but I can hear the uncertainty in her voice.


She exhales through her nose before she steps to the side and tries to brush past me. I grab her arm and stop her.

“Lily, please. Just talk to me.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

I can see her looking back and forth between me and the paparazzi through the window behind me. I know she’s worried about causing a scene in front of them and I’m hoping it’ll increase my chances of convincing her to talk to me.

“Let me go, Harry.”

I don’t loosen my grip on her arm. “No.”

She looks up at me again, an indifferent expression on her face.

“Let. Me. Go.”

I can feel the pain growing inside of me once again. After each word she emphasized, I felt a knife go through my heart. The way she said it meant more than just me letting go of her arm. I can hear the conviction and the ambiguousness behind her words and it was one of the worst things that has ever been said to me.

I know what she’s really trying to tell me and I had hoped to never hear those words coming out of her mouth.

I can feel her slowly slipping away from me, more than she has been already.

“You have to let me go,” she breathes, her voice breaking at the end.

A small tug was all it took for Lily to pull her arm from my loosening grasp. Those six words cut through me like a knife and the pain just got worse as she walks past me and through the door. I can hear the shutters of the cameras going off as the door opens, surely swarming Lily as she walks out. I don’t dare turn around to look at her because I know that, if I do, I’ll end up running after her and causing an even bigger scene in front of the cameras. So, I just sit back down on the couch in the lobby and bury my face in the hands.

I feel Lily’s necklace with my ring swinging softly around my neck. I look down at it, watching it catch the light as it moves back and forth.

When Lily gave the ring back - well, actually, when she threw it at me - it was like she had actually thrown a knife at my heart. It was worse than the last time she gave it back to me. That time, she had actually handed it to me. But this time, she didn’t even bother. She just threw it at me like she didn’t want to come near me, like she didn’t want to touch me.

I put the necklace on that same night. I slept with it clutched tight in my hand and I haven’t taken it off since. When I start to feel a panic attack about to happen every time I think about the fact that Lily is leaving, I quickly hold the ring tight in my hand to calm myself down.

Just like I’m doing now.

You have to let me go.

Those words echo through my head, only getting louder as the lobby gets quieter.

I don’t know what she expects me to do after she said that. I will never let her go and she should know that. I’ve been fighting for her ever since the day that I met her. I guess I never realized it in the beginning but I was. I’ve been fighting since day one and I’ve never stopped.

Even when I had thought that she had cheated on me and I decided to hurt her, I was still fighting for her, whether I knew it or not. My heart was still fighting for her even though my head was fighting with it.

Once I had found out that she hadn’t actually cheated, I started fighting for her even more. Even though I had no hope inside of me that I could win her back, I still fought for her.

And now, as I try to fix this huge mess with my decision to get a fake girlfriend, I fight harder than I ever have before. But I don’t even know if it’ll get me what I want.

I guess I was in denial that I finally lost her but I refuse to admit it. I know that if I do admit it, it’ll just give me no reason to fight anymore. I need to keep going. Even though my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer by the day, I will never stop at my pursuit to win her heart back.

But what I’m afraid of is the day that might come where I’ll have no more fight left in me, especially after Lily leaves.

You have to let me go.

I will never let her go and I just wish that I could have the chance to let her know that and have her believe me. I only have four more days to, first, convince her to talk to me, and secondly, have her forgive me. I’ve had no luck these past few days and I’m not sure what my chances are going to be like before she has to leave. I just need her to hear me out. I need to tell her everything. I don’t know if I’ll have the chance to talk to her before she has to leave. That thought scares me. But how can I when she won’t give me that chance?

Suddenly, I get an idea. I get up and quickly walk to the elevator, taking it up to Ed’s flat and knocking on the door.


Lily’s POV

As I push the cart through aisle by aisle, absentmindedly grabbing anything that I need for the groceries, my mind is all over the place.

Why did he have to be there?

Why did he have to talk to me?

Why did I talk to him?

I should’ve just ignored him and walked past him like I didn’t see him or hear him. I was getting along fine these past few days ignoring him, ignoring his texts, his calls, his flowers.

I put Ed on phone duty again, giving him my phone and instructing him to only give it back when I have a text or call from anyone other than Harry. Any calls or texts that I get from him, I told Ed to immediately delete them.

As for the flowers, as soon as I saw Ed bringing them into the kitchen after someone had dropped them off, I had grabbed them and threw them outside the door against the wall. The second time he sent flowers along with the bear, I did the same thing.

I know it was a waste to do that to the flowers but I didn’t want them. The smell had lingered in the kitchen so I had to spray the air with air freshener to get it out. The smell made me sick.

And as soon as I saw him in the lobby, I wanted to run away. I wanted to run as fast as I can, as far as I can. I don’t know what made me stay put in my spot but I was silently screaming at myself to run away from him.

If it weren’t for the paparazzi taking pictures of our every move, I would’ve pushed past him and not even bothered to talk to him. But I know that Harry would’ve run after me. I didn’t want the world to see that after the pictures are posted all over the Internet.

So that’s why I didn’t run away.

However, I didn’t give Harry what he wanted. I don’t want to hear anything that he has to say. There’s no point. We keep going in circles where everything is great at one point but then something always happens and everything is a huge mess.

I’m tired of it. I’ve had enough of it to deal with this whole summer to last me a lifetime.

Even if I do give Harry yet another chance, I wouldn’t doubt that we’d go into another downward spiral again. Each and every time we do, it just gets worse. And I don’t want to allow the chance that it’ll get to a point where we end up hurting each other even worse than we already have.

That’s why I think it’s better that we leave things like this. I’m leaving in four days and that’s definitely not enough time to work through this with Harry. And I don’t want to bring those problems with me when I go back to school. It’s unnecessary stress that I don’t need and I just want to leave it here in London.

Harry will get over it. He’ll find someone else. He’ll find the one meant for him. There’s someone out there meant for him and as much as I tried to believe that it was me, it isn’t. I’m not meant for him. We’re not meant for each other. Just when I think that we’ve finally proven fate wrong, that we were actually meant to be, it turns around and bites us in the back.

As much as I tried to make it work, there seems to be nothing that I can do. I’ve tried everything and nothing works.

I’m done trying. I’m done trying to prove everyone wrong. I'm done trying to prove myself wrong.

There’s only so much a person can do, so long a person can try, but everyone has their limit and I’m pretty sure that I’ve reached mine.


Ed and I unpack the groceries in silence, just like it’s always been between us since Saturday. I know he’s just worried about what to say in front of me and of course I feel a little bad about it. He’s afraid of what to say but so am I.

I have no idea what’s going to come out of my mouth if Ed ever brings up the topic of Harry. I almost lost it when I bumped into Harry in the lobby, I don’t want to risk it again, even with Ed.

“Did you want to do something tomorrow?” Ed asks beside me. I can tell he’s being careful with the tone of his voice, like he’s talking to me while I have a bomb in my hands that could explode with his words.

I place the bag of bread beside the toaster and turn around, leaning back against the sink.

I shrug. “Yeah, sure.”

We briefly keep eye contact but he looks away after a moment.

“What did you want to do?” he asks, pretending to be fixing the fruit basket.

“Doesn’t matter.” My voice remains flat, not holding any emotion to it and I’m sure that Ed notices it.

“We can do anything you want since you’re…going back to school.”

He slowly looks back at me, his eyes carrying wariness as his eyes land back on me.

“It really doesn’t matter to me. It’s up to you.”

He observes me for a while before he takes a deep breath.

“Lily, I think we should talk about this.”

I tense in my spot, my gaze faltering as I look down at the ground.

“No, we don’t.”

I feel it. I can feel it bubbling inside of me.

“Yes, we do. I don’t like seeing you like this. I know you’re just bottling it all up and holding everything back. You just need to talk about it and…get everything off of your chest.”

I can’t. I’ve held it all in this long. I can’t break now.

“Just talk to me, Lil.”

I can feel the lump forming in my throat. The pain is prickling under my skin in my entire body, something that I’ve tried to repress these past few days.

I don’t want to feel that pain anymore. I can’t. I can’t handle it.

I push myself off of the counter and move to walk past Ed but he stands in front of me and grabs my arms. I avoid his gaze but he grabs each side of my face and forces me to look at him. As soon as I see the sympathy in his eyes, my own starts to fill with unwanted tears.

“Lily, why are you holding it all in?”

And that’s when I lose it. That’s when I finally break.

“Because it’s easier this way.” Tears flow rapidly down my cheeks. The pain ignites all over my body, all the way from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

I shake my head and sniffle. “It’s less painful. I’ve felt so much pain these past few months and I just didn’t want to feel it anymore. I physically and emotionally can’t handle it. I just thought that, if I can hold it in long enough, I won’t have to feel it anymore when I leave. I was hoping that when I leave, I can forget about this past summer here and put it somewhere deep in my mind and not have to think about it ever again. Ed, you don’t know what it feels like to be pushed down by the one that you love every time you think that you can finally be happy again. After every time it happens again and again, it just gets worse, more painful because you always think that that person won’t hurt you ever again. I really do believe now that the one you love the most is also the one that can hurt you the most. Some people are lucky enough to never experience that but I experienced it too many times. I just don’t want to experience that pain anymore.”

Sobs erupt from my chest, the tears still racing down my cheeks.

“Shit,” he exhales. “Come here.”

Ed pulls me into his arms and holds me tight. I break down even harder, my sobs shaking the both of us. He attempts to soothe me by rubbing my back but I feel numb from everything around me. I can only feel the pain burning every inch of my body.

He holds me until the flat is quiet once again and nothing left is said as he walks me to my room.

He helps me into bed and leaves a kiss on my head.

“Things will get better soon, Lily. I know how strong you are and you’ll get past this. And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

I nod before I watch him walk away and quietly leave the room.

I know that Ed is allowing me to sleep this off before we have the chance to actually talk about this. I'm grateful for it because just telling Ed what I had just told him was enough as it was.

Tomorrow, when I've had the chance to clear my head even just a little bit, I'll finally be able to talk to Ed about everything. He was right. I do need to talk about it. It's unhealthy to keep it all bottled up.

So, I just lay there completely wide awake but physically and emotionally drained. I close my eyes, praying that Ed’s words will become true. Sooner rather than later.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t know who I am.

I wish I hadn’t bought my train ticket ahead of time. I just want to pack up right this minute and leave tonight. This place brings too many memories.

I just want to hop on that train and put as much distance between me and London as I can.

I just want to run away again.




:'( :'( :'( </3 </3 </3

Poor Lily. I would feel the same way OMG

This chapter turned out more depressing than I thought it would be. Anyways, please please please let me know what you guys thought as you were reading it (REMEMBER: LONG COMMENTS MOTIVATE ME TO WRITE FASTER ;) )

What do you guys think Harry did when he went up to Ed's flat?

What do you think is going to happen next?

What do you guys WANT to happen??

Gonna raise the votes and comments a bit. 15 likes and 15 comments before I post the next chapter!

Thanks for reading!

PS: The 'Steal My Girl' music video was sooooo goooooood! They each had their moments and it was perfect! Go watch it so we can break the VEVO record for most viewed video in 24 hours!!!






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