Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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31. Learning From Mistakes

Lily’s POV

“I’m sure he’ll understand,” Perrie says through the phone. I had called her right before we were supposed to meet up for the airport to let her know that I couldn’t make it to Paris anymore.

“Perrie, I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him the truth but, at the same time, I don’t want to worry him. If I tell him, he’s going to think a million different things in his mind. He’s done it before, I know he’s going to think something of it. Maybe I should just tell him when he comes back.”

“It’s up to you. I don’t really know what you should do.”

I hear someone say something on Perrie’s line.

“Sorry, babe, I have to go, they’re boarding the flight now.”

I sigh. “Alright. I really wish I was there right now. I was so excited.”

Perrie is silent for a while. “Harry was excited, too. You have no idea.”

My heart drops. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’m sure he’ll understand. Anyways, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

I really wanted to ask her what she meant. I know she meant something about what she said about Harry being excited.

“Okay. Please don’t say anything to Harry. I’ll tell him myself.”

“Yeah, no worries.”

“Thanks, Perrie. Have a safe flight.”

“Thanks. I’ll talk to you soon.”

We hang up the phone and I make my way out of my room and head towards Ed’s. I knock on the door.

“Come in.”

I open the door and see Ed putting his shoes on. I walk up to him and sit down on the bed beside him.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“So…I have to talk to you about something.”

He finishes tying his shoes and looks over at me. “What is it? Aren’t you supposed to be going to Paris?”

I take a deep breath. Another person that I was scared to talk about where I’m going was Ed. I know his feelings towards Marcus so I’m worried about how he’s going to react.

“I was but…something came up.” He just waits for me to continue. “Um…remember when I was still with Marcus and I was talking to you about him?”

His face hardens when I say Marcus’ name but he remains silent.

“So, it’s about his mum. He called me today and told me that she passed away.”

His face softens and he gives me a sympathetic look. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Lily.”

He knows how much I adored Marcus’ mum so he must know how I’m feeling right now.

I just shrug in response. “So yeah…the funeral is today and he wants me there. And I feel like I need to be there to support him.”

He nods. “I understand. So you can’t go to Paris anymore?”

I shake my head. “I’m leaving soon for the funeral, actually.”

“Does Harry know?”

I tense and look down at my hands on my lap.

“Lily?” he says in an accusatory tone. “You did tell him, right?”

“I will tell him. I’m just going to wait until he comes home. I don’t want him to worry about it while he’s in Paris.”

“Lily, I think he’s going to worry even more that you canceled last minute without you telling him the reason.”

“I’ll think of something. I’m not going to lie to him. I’m just not going to tell him yet that I’ll be with Marcus.”

He narrows his eyes at me and I feel the guilt growing.

“You should tell him. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

I take a shaky breath. “I can’t. He’s going to be so upset. I don’t want to worry him while he’s working. I promise to tell him the second that he gets home.”

Plus, I’m worried that he’ll break up with me when I tell him that I’ve made amends with Marcus and that I ditched Paris to be with him, even though it was for his mum’s funeral.

He sighs. “You better. I mean, it’s your decision and if you think that it’s the right thing to do right now, then I guess I can’t do anything about it.”

I nod and the room grows silent.

“How long are you staying there?”

“One night, I think. Two at the most.”

“Did you want a ride to the train station?”

“You don’t have to. I can just take a taxi.”

“Don’t worry about it. I can take you.”

I smile at him. “Alright, thanks.”

“Did you need to go soon?”

“Yeah, if that’s okay.”

He stands up. “Yeah, we can go now.”

I stand up and go to my room and grab my duffel bag packed with two days worth of clothes and my toiletries. I look through my room twice in search for my journal but it’s not there. I check the living room and still no luck. I had written a song for Marcus about his relationship with his mum. I was hoping to play it during the church ceremony for Marcus and his family. I decide to give up. I remember the song anyways so I’ll just play it without my journal. I grab my purse and head out to the living room where Ed’s waiting.

He drives me to the train station and, after insisting that he didn’t need to walk me to the train, we say our goodbyes and I board the train.

I sit down in a window seat and I pulled out my phone. My hands are shaking as I scroll to Harry’s name. I take a deep breath and click on his name before I bring it up to my ear.

My heart beats faster and faster after each ring and I’m fiddling with tears on my jeans before Harry picks up.

“Lily! Hey, are you and Perrie on your way?”

My heart sinks at his excitement. I can’t seem to make words come out of my mouth.

“Lily?”

I take a deep breath. “Hi, Harry.”

“Hey, what’s up?”

I can hear my heart beat louder. “I…I have to talk to you.”

He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. “What is it, Lily?” I can hear the worry and disappointment in his voice, like he knows what’s going to happen.

“You trust me, right?”

Once again, all I can hear is silence. “Yes, I do, Lily. What is this about?”

“Harry…you trust me when I say that I am deeply sorry that I can’t make it to Paris anymore.” I wait for a response but none comes. All I can hear is his breath slightly getting deeper so I just continue. “I…I have a family emergency that I need to get to this weekend. I…I only found out earlier this morning. I’m so sorry, Harry. I know how excited you were. I was excited, too. It was just bad timing and I wish I could be there with you right now.”

I finally finish talking and I have to catch my breath.

I know he’s upset and his silence is confirming that.

“Harry?”

I hear him clear his throat. “Yeah.”

“I’m so sorry. I promise to make it up to you when you get back. I’ll…I’ll pay for the ticket as well. I know that you paid for it already.”

“No, no, don’t worry about that. Um…it’s okay. I mean, it does suck that you can’t make it anymore but it’s a family emergency so I understand.” I can hear the pure sadness in his voice and I instantly feel immense guilt. “Is everything okay? Is it your parents?”

“Oh. No, everything’s fine. It’s not my parents. It’s a family friend. I’ll tell you about it when you come back.”

I don’t know whether I should consider that a lie. I mean, Marcus’ family is a family friend so it wasn’t technically a lie. He just doesn’t need to know right now that it’s Marcus’ family.

“Alright.”

Silence. The train starts to move.

“I’m really sorry, Harry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. I know you planned something. Whatever it was, I know that it was going to be amazing. I feel so bad.”

I hear him softly chuckle. “Don’t be, you--”

“No, Harry. I should be. You have every right to be upset, mad at me, even. I feel so bad. I--”

“Lily, Lily, calm down. Really, it’s okay. You said you’d make up for it when I get back. Wait, when you get back?”

I’m confused about his question but I answer him anyways. “Either tomorrow or the day after. Why?”

“Why don’t you come to New York with us instead?”

My heart jumps and I smile. “Really? I mean, you already paid for my ticket to Paris, I feel bad--”

“If you say you feel bad one more time, I’m going to fly back there and drag you to New York myself.”

I laugh, the guilt I’m feeling slowly starting to disappear.

“Alright, alright. When are you going to New York?”

“Right after Paris, so on Tuesday. That means that you’ll have to fly there that day and meet us there.”

I bite my lip. I really want to go. I really want to make it up to Harry.

“Are you sure?”

“No, Lily, I’m kidding,” he says sarcastically. “Of course I want you to go. I was going to ask you to go with me anyways.”

I sigh in happiness. “Okay.”

“Great. I’ll let you know more about it later.” I can hear the smile on his face through the phone. “I have to go though. We have our interview soon.”

“Alright. Have fun.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m sorry again.”

“Lily, it’s fine, I swear.”

I smile again. “I miss you.”

“I miss you more, Lily.”

“Bye.”

“Bye, baby.”

My stomach drops and my mouth hangs open. Harry just laughs before he hangs up, knowing that he’s made me speechless.

I look at my phone, seeing the call end. The screen changes to my home screen, the picture of me and Harry on the background instantly making me smile.

I’m surprised with how well Harry took the news. I thought that he would be more upset. I’m glad he’s okay with it. I know that I would be worrying about it the entire time until I talk to or saw him next.

And now, he wants to bring me to New York. At least I get to go there with him. It’s not as romantic as Paris but I know that being anywhere with Harry will be amazing. Here I was, worried that Harry would be upset with me but now, he’s asked me to go to New York with him.

But I really wanted to know what his plans for Paris were. Maybe I can ask him when I talk to him next.

I decide to get some sleep on the way to Marcus’ parent’s home.

I wake up a couple of hours later, realizing that I’m almost there. I go to the bathroom to fix my hair before I start to grab my bag from the compartment. I put it on the seat beside me and wait for the train to stop.

I look out the window once the train starts to slow down. I see the train station come closer and I take my bag and head for the doors. The train stops and I hop off of.

I look around the platform and turn my head to the left when I hear someone call my name.

“Lily!”

I find Marcus and I smile as I walk up to him. He seems hesitant as he stands in front of me, his hands in his pockets. He gives me a small smile. Without a second thought, I put my arms around him. He instantly puts his around mine and buries his head into my shoulder. A few seconds later, I hear him crying. I shut my eyes, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill out. I tighten my arms around him and rub my hand soothingly through his hair.

“I’m so sorry, Marcus.”

He sniffles one last time before we pull away.

He shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re here.”

I give him a sympathetic smile.

“Shall we go?” he asks.

I nod. “Yeah.”

He takes my bag and we head out of the station. We hop into the car and he drives off.

“So…how’ve you been?”

I have no idea why this seems so awkward. I mean, we have been talking on the phone lately. I guess it’s different when you’re talking to them in person.

“I’ve been good.” I was about to ask him how he’s been doing but I realized that it wasn’t really an appropriate question to ask right now so I just think of something else to ask. “How have you been handling…everything?”

I watch him as sadness overtakes his features as he concentrates on the road. He seems tired and stressed, like he’s going to pass out any second.

“I’m trying but…it’s hard. I’m trying to stay strong for both me and my dad but, with the funeral and the wake, it’s hard to really hard to find time for myself and grieve. But, at the same time, I’m glad that it’s keeping me busy and that it takes my mind off of it.”

“I’m sorry, Marcus. I know this is difficult but I think you’re doing a great job at being strong right now. I’m here for you now.”

He takes a glance at me and gives me a sad smile and I return it with one of my own.

“Thank you, Lily. I really appreciate it.” Suddenly, his smile slowly fades. “Look, I wanted to apologize--”

“It’s okay, Marcus. We don’t have to talk about it right now. We talked about it enough on the phone already. We can talk about it another time.”

He just nods, looking slightly a bit more relieved.

“Alright, enough of the serious talk.” He chuckles. “How are you and Mr. Boy Band?”

I laugh. “How do you know about him?”

I’ve never told him about Harry during any of our phone conversations. What’s even weirder is how he’s so casual about it. I was worried about how he’d take the news that I’ve moved on so quickly and that I’m with someone else.

“It’s all over the news. Me and my mum were watching the news the day before…she passed away…” He’s silent for a few seconds before he shakes his head and a smile appears on his face again. “Um…yeah, we saw you and…Harry Styles?…and she immediately started scolding me about how I lost you. But then she said that you looked happy.” He looks over at me once we’re stopped at a red light. “I realized the same thing. I’m really happy for you, Lily. He seems like a great guy. I know that I didn’t deserve you and that I wasn’t making you happy. That’s…that’s part of the reason why I started feeling insecure in our relationship. I started thinking that I wasn’t good enough for you. That’s why I started being so controlling over you. I was scared that I was going to lose you. But I still didn’t feel like nothing was working, like nothing I did was going to make you stay with me. That’s why…that’s why I decided to hurt you in the worst way possible. And I regret it so much. I’m so sorry, Lily. I can never forgive myself for what I did.”

Now I understand everything. Why he was so controlling. Why he never let me talk to other guys. Why he never let me have friends. Why he cheated on me.

It doesn’t excuse him for hurting me but I understand better now.

“I wish you would have handled it better than you did. I wish that you had talked to me about it instead of…cheating on me. But…it’s in the past now. We learn from our mistakes and I really hope that you learned from that for your future relationships. I can tell you that it hurts…a lot. I never want any other girl to feel that pain so I really hope that you don’t do that to anyone else. You’re a great guy, Marcus. I thought that we were going to be together forever. Apart from the times that you were controlling, you’re a really sweet guy. I know you’re going to make a girl really happy. You just need to learn to communicate with them and trust them. You’ll get what you receive. You’ll be loved as long as you love them, too.”

He smiles. “My mum was right. I did lose a great girl. But I know that I wasn’t able to make you happy. And I did learn from my mistake. I’m never going to make that mistake again.”

“You better not or I’ll find you and kick your arse.”

We laugh just as the light turns green. Marcus starts driving again and I start to see his familiar neighbourhood outside the window.

His house appears and he pulls into the driveway. We step out of the car and he grabs my bag. We walk up to the front door and he opens it. We walk in and he places my bag by the stairs.

“You can sleep in the guest room. But my dad wants to see you first.”

I nod. “Alright.”

He guides me to the kitchen and I see Marcus’ dad sitting at the counter with a bunch of papers in front of him. He looks just as tired and stressed as Marcus does but once he sees me, his face lights up slightly.

“Lily! So glad to you could make it. How are you?”

He stands up and he walks over to me, giving me a hug.

“Hi, Mr. Bentley. I’m good, thanks.”

“Hey, Mr. Bentley is my father. I told you, call me ‘Robert’.” He gives me a warm smile as we pull away.

I laugh. “Sorry, Robert.” My smile fades as I remember why I’m here. “I’m sorry for your loss. She was an amazing lady.”

He gives me a sad smile. “Thank you, sweetheart.” He sighs. “She was taken from us much to fast. She won’t be able to see Marcus walk down the aisle. She won’t be able to meet her grandchildren.” The atmosphere suddenly turns somber. I look over at Marcus and see tears brimming his eyes. I look back at Robert and he shakes his head. “I apologize for having you come here so quickly. Marcus’ grandparents are only able to make it this weekend so we had to have the funeral today.”

“No worries at all. I understand.”

“I hope you didn’t have any big plans today.”

I just put a fake smile on my face. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Alright, well the wake is in a few hours. Marcus, why don’t you show her to the guest room so she can get ready?”

“Alright.” Marcus leads us back to the living room.

“Let us know if you need anything, Lily. Make yourself at home,” Robert says just before we leave the kitchen.

I look over my shoulder at him. “I will. Thank you very much.”

He focuses back on the papers and I continue to follow Marcus to the stairs. He grabs my bag and we walk up the stairs and through the hallway until he opens the door to the guest room that I stayed in a few times while we were together.

He places my place on the end of the bed and he turns around.

“So…you can get ready and just let me know if you need anything.”

I just smile and nod.

He walks out and closes the door behind him. I sit on the end of the bed and take a deep breath.

I really hope I’ll be able to handle today. I start to feel anxious and I immediately think of one person that I can talk to that will make me feel better.

I take out my phone and open my messages and click Harry’s name.

*I miss you. Call me when you’re free*

I don’t know whether he’s working right now so I decide to just leave him a text. I stand up and open my bag, taking out my black dress that I bought for the last funeral that I went to. I quickly change and put my hair into a neat bun. I decide to leave my face makeup free except for a few swipes of mascara and lipstick. Just as I finish putting on my heels, my phone starts ringing.

I quickly walk to the bed and sit down, grabbing my phone and answering it once I see it’s Harry.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Lily. How are you? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just miss you. I just can’t stop realizing that I’d be with you in Paris right now.”

“I miss you, too. I wish you were here.”

“So, what’re you up to? Are you still working?”

“Yeah, we still have a couple more interviews but we have a break right now. How about you?”

I tense. I start to think of what I’m going to tell him. Just as I’m about to tell him that I’m at a hotel, someone knocks on the door.

“Lily, are you ready?” Marcus says from the other side of the door.

I quickly cover the phone with my hand but it’s too late.

“Who’s that?” Harry asks.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Um…it’s…it’s my cousin. Sorry, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

I quickly hang up the phone and close my eyes, waiting for my heartbeat to slow down. Marcus knocks on the door again.

“Lily?”

“I’ll be right out.”

“Alright.” I hear him walk away and I take a deep breath.

I don’t know what Harry must be thinking right now. I know that he heard Marcus. He doesn’t know it’s him but he knows that it’s a guy.

I decide to say something to him to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about.

*Thank you for talking to me <3 I miss you xx*

I hesitantly wait for a reply, knowing that Harry was just on the phone a few seconds ago. I play with Harry’s ring that’s still attached around my neck, waiting for a text from him.

 

But no reply comes.

 

*************************

 

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE! I HAD MY FINALS FOR SCHOOL!

BUT GOOD NEWS!!! I'M DONE NOW SO I'LL BE ABLE TO UPDATE A LOT MORE! YAYYY!!!

SO PLEASE LIKE AND COMMENT!

Thank you! Love you guys :)

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