Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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59. I Never Stopped

Lily’s POV

“You actually want to hang out with me?” he gasps dramatically as he places his hand over his heart.

I laugh and roll my eyes. “Yes. Now stop being as arse.”

“I’m surprised Harry let you. You two have been together every day this week.”

I can’t argue with him. Harry and I have spent every day together since Hyde Park. We went to the movies, the mall again and I even asked if I could ride his bike again. Harry was more than happy to let me.

This week went by way too fast. It’s already Friday and now I only have eight days left here in London. Can I just rewind a few weeks? Or a few months? I don’t want to leave, especially to go back to school.

Harry and the other guys are working today so I take that opportunity to spend the day with Ed.

I felt bad for spending all my time with Harry, especially since the main reason that I came here was to see Ed. However, Ed told me that he was okay with it since he would most likely be able to visit me some time in September when I go back to school. We’ll be able to hang out then. Plus, he’s been working promoting his new album and shooting his new music video.

I continue to wash the dishes as Ed sits on the counter behind me.

I shrug. “I guess he’s making up for what he did.”

I don’t really know how to explain to Ed why Harry and I are spending so much time together. I enjoy spending time with Harry and apart from Ed, I’m going to miss him the most. I try to only think about the amazing memories Harry and I shared together, everything he’s done for me.

One of the things that I’m most grateful of is Harry helping me get over my fear of singing in front of people. It was something I had never thought that I would be able to do so I’m forever grateful to him for that.

Since Harry asked to spend as much time with me before I go, I guess that’s one way of paying him back for everything. It’s not like I’m complaining about it. This past week has been amazing.

“Well, what did you wanna do?”

I rinse out my hands and dry them with a towel as I turn around to face Ed.

“I actually have no idea.”

I actually don’t. I’ve been to the mall too much lately and there aren’t any movies showing that I want to see.

He raises his eyebrows and swings his legs back and forth. “Well, I have an idea.”

I look at him questioningly. “What?”

“We can start recording our song.”

I gasp. “Really? I thought you said we would start next week.”

He shrugs. “Well, we have nothing to do and the studio is free. We don’t have to start right away. We get just get you comfortable with it. It can be a bit scary at first but trust me, it’s fun.”

I smile at him and nod. “Yeah, sure. That sounds great.”

He hops off of the counter. “I was going to wait until your last night here but I got you something as a going away present. I think it’ll help you in the studio today.”

I follow him into the living room, excitement spreading throughout my body.

“Wait here.” He gestures towards the couch and I sit down as he disappears into the hallway. A minute later, Ed reappears into the living room and I gasp when I look down at the thing he’s holding in his hand.

It’s a freaking guitar case.

I slowly stand up and Ed stands in front of me, placing the bottom of the case onto the ground.

“Ed, is this…” I’m speechless.

He better not be playing a prank on me where I open the case and find live snakes inside.

“Open it.”

I look up at him, still in shock as he smiles at me. He places the guitar case flat onto the coffee table in front of us and I sit down, Ed sitting beside me afterwards.

My shaking hands reach out to untie the bow wrapped around it before I unclasp the locks along the side. I take a deep breath and slowly open the case, the most beautiful guitar ever appearing in front of me.

I gasp as I fully open the case, looking down at the familiar guitar.

“This is the guitar that you were playing with when we went to the store a while back. I could tell that you wanted it so…I thought I’d get it for you.”

I remember Ed asking me if I liked it and then telling him that it was my dream guitar. He didn’t say anything else after that so I never would’ve thought that he would be getting it for me.

My shoulders slump as I take in his sweet words. “Oh, Ed, this is…this is so nice of you…but I can’t accept this. This is too much.”

I definitely have to get him something other than the cat guitar strap that I bought him.

“Lily, you worked so hard this summer getting over your fear of playing in front of people. You deserve it. And it’s just a little something to make up for being a prick this summer. But it’s also because I’m just grateful to have a friend like you. You put up with all of my sh*t and you’re still here. From the first day we became friends, you taught me to stand up for myself and to not take sh*t from anyone. And…since then, you’ve been just the best friend anyone could ask for.”

My eyes tear up as I look over at him, a smile spreading onto my face. “You’re making me cry, Ed. You’ve never been this sappy before.”

He chuckles as he shrugs. “This summer really made me realize that I shouldn’t take you for granted. You’re always there for me, no matter what. There’s no one else I can count on as much I can count on you.”

I sniffle and rest my head against his shoulder. “You’re turning into an emotional girl.” I laugh. “What’s gotten into you?”

He playfully shoves me away from him. “Can you just shut up and gratefully accept my gift like a normal person?”

I laugh as I lean forward and run my hands along the guitar.

“I’m sorry.” I wipe my tears and sniffle again. I turn to Ed and wrap my arms around him, his arms enclosing around me soon after. “I love you, Ed.”

“Love you, too, Lil.”

We pull away and I lean forward again and I look down at the guitar.

“Come on. Let’s get you and your new guitar into the studio.”

**

 “You did good for your first time.”

“What are you talking about? I didn’t even sing.”

Ed and I finished our recording session in the studio. It was basically just Ed singing his parts and playing the guitar and me just standing in the booth, too nervous to sing so I just played my guitar with him. However, Ed was right. Being able to play with my new guitar calmed my nerves slightly. It played beautifully.

“You played the guitar. That’s more than other people have been able to do for their first time.”

I sigh. I guess he’s right. If I hadn’t gotten over my fear to play in front of people, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to even play the guitar in front of Ed, his producers and some of the people from his record label. I’m proud of myself for what I did. I just hope that I’m able to actually sing next week, especially since it’s a duet. Ed and I wrote this song together so it’s only right for both of us to sing it.

“Next time I’ll be better. I promise.”

“I know you will. I don’t doubt it.”

Ed pulls into the parking lot in front of the restaurant we chose to eat at for dinner and we head inside and sit down in a booth in a far corner.

I look up from my menu once I decide what to eat and look up at Ed.

“I forgot to ask you but are you free tomorrow? Harry’s having a party for his mum’s birthday and we’re invited.”

“Yeah, I’m not busy.”

“Great. I’ll let him know.”

Our waitress appears and takes our orders before she turns away to get our drinks.

“So, how are things with you and Harry?”

I look at him, trying to read his face as to why he’s asking about us. I scrunch my eyebrows and clear my throat, leaning my arms on the table and leaning forward.

“We’re good. I think we’re finally getting to a good place. Well, at least a good place for the two of us. It’s just like how things were when we first met and…that’s all I can ask for before I have to leave. He’s a great friend.”

I see something flash in his eyes but it goes away too quickly for me to figure it out.

“He’s still with Ivana?”

“Um…yeah. I mean, he hasn’t told me he isn’t anymore.”

“And she’s okay with the two of you spending all this time together?”

Geez, what’s with all of the questions?

“Yeah, Harry said she was okay with it. She was actually the one to suggest that we spend as much time together before I leave.”

The same expression I wore when Harry told me this is present on Ed’s face. Confusion, surprise.

“Really? She doesn’t seem like the type to be okay with that. Did you see her at the Brit Awards and at the after party? She would not let him out of her sight.”

I just shrug because I thought the same thing. I don’t even bother thinking about it because I know that it’ll stress me out every time I hang out with Harry.

I only have eight days left here. I have to make them count. That means no worrying about jealous girlfriends. And Harry told me that she was okay with us hanging out - hell, she even suggested it - I’m not going to complain about it.

“I know but, I mean, we’re just friends. We’re just hanging out. If she thinks something’s happening between me and Harry, then that just shows her trust in Harry - or lack of.”

I can see Ed eyes flicking back and forth in between mine. He just continues to look at me, silence surrounding the booth.

“Are you falling for him again?”

My eyes widen and I flinch back in my seat. The bluntness of his question completely catches me off guard. His face remains impassive, his eyes boring into mine. He patiently waits for my answer but I don’t even know what it is.

Am I falling for Harry again?

I guess that’s the conclusion that Ed reached when I told him that things between Harry and I are like how things were when we first met, before Harry and I got together.

We would spend almost every day together. We would talk every day, through texts or through phone calls.

The fact that that’s what Harry and I have been doing this past week must be the reason that Ed is asking me this question.

I know the answer now and I don’t think it’s the answer that Ed is expecting - or, at least, hoping for.

I look down at my clasped fingers resting on top of the table, avoiding his gaze.

“I don’t think I ever stopped.”

I’ve been denying it ever since the day that he broke up with me. No matter what happened, I never stopped loving him. No matter how hard I tried to get over him - to move on - my feelings for him still stayed put in my heart. No matter how many times I prayed that I would wake up each day hoping that my feelings for him would fade at least a little bit, it never did.

My love for him is unexplainable, different, something that I’m still trying to understand. My feelings for him got so strong that I don’t even know when or if they will ever go away. I pray that it will because it kills me every second of every day when I’m reminded of the fact that he’s not mine anymore. He’s not mine but he’s also someone else’s now.

It hurts to see them together. It hurts to see him hold her like how he used to hold me. It hurts to see him look at her with the same look of adoration I was lucky enough to receive. It hurts to see the love he used to give me be taken away and given to someone else.

That’s the downside of spending this past week with Harry. No matter how much I enjoy spending time with him, I’m reminded of memories we shared this past summer. Every time I look into his eyes, every time I touch him or when I feel his touch, every time he smiles at me, I’m flooded with flashbacks of the past that I wish I could have back.

So, no, I’m not falling in love with Harry again because I never fell out of love with him. I pray for the day that I finally do but a part of me is hoping that the day never comes.

Being in love with Harry right now may hurt more than anything else I’ve ever felt but it’s also one of the greatest feelings in the world. Knowing that I’m in love with someone as sweet, kind and amazing as Harry is something I take pride in. I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling.

That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

**

Thankfully, Ed didn’t press any further with the topic of Harry and I. As soon as we arrive hack at his place, I take a quick shower and go back to my room with my new guitar, feeling inspired to write a new song.

I lean back against the headboard, my guitar at my feet and my journal resting against the legs.

Remember the way you made me feel?
Something in me knew that it was real

Don’t think I would just forget about it
Hoping that you won’t forget about it

You’ll be good without me and if I could just give it some time
I’ll be alright

Usually, my songs about breakup are laced with anger or disappointment but this one isn’t. This song is about regret. Regret in losing one of the best things I’ve ever had. It’s also about hope. Not hope in getting back together with Harry but hope that he will never forget about what we had. I know that I will always remember and I wouldn’t know what to do if Harry ever forgets. This is the one thing that I share with Harry and I don’t ever want to lose that.

I spend the rest of the night fiddling around with the lyrics until I’m finally satisfied with it. I take my guitar and start playing with the strings, trying to find the right tone for the song. In the end, it turned into one of the most somber songs I’ve ever written. I find myself tearing up when I play through the entire song the first time. And as I play through it again and again, it gets harder and harder every time.

Once my fingers start to feel raw from the countless times I go through the song, I decide to put my guitar away and get ready for bed.

The song plays in my head nonstop as I try to go to sleep and I already know that I’m going to get a restless night.

I decide to take my phone out, hoping that it’ll make me sleepy. I open my Twitter and go through my timeline and I see a lot of One Direction accounts greeting Anne ‘Happy Birthday’ since it’s past midnight now. I debate on whether it would be weird to do the same thing.

I’ve never met her. I don’t even know if Harry has mentioned me to her. Eventually, I decide to, just to be nice.

@LilyAbbott_xx: Happy birthday @MrsAnneTwist ! Hope you have a wonderful day. Can’t wait to meet you tomorrow!

Oh god, I hope I don’t sound like a freak. She probably doesn’t even know who I am. I hope she doesn’t see it. I would delete it but hundreds of One Direction fans instantly retweeted it. It would be pointless.

And to make it worse, I get a notification that Harry retweeted it, too.

She’s definitely going to see it now. Hopefully, the fact that Harry retweeted it will make me look like less of a creep.

I get another notification saying that Harry replied to my tweet.

@Harry_Styles: @LilyAbbott_xx @MrsAnneTwist I’m a horrible son. Lily greeted my own mother before I did. Sorry mum. But I still love you more than @GemmaAnneStyles does! Happy birthday!xx

I laugh. What a goofball. But just like that, my anxiety about greeting Anne immediately disappears with Harry’s charm.

I get another notification. Gemma followed me and she replied to Harry’s tweet.

@GemmaAnneStyles: @Harry_Styles @MrsAnneTwist everyone knows that I was the better child. Mum tells me this every day. I was always the favourite. And @LilyAbbott_xx, I’ll be meeting you tomorrow too!

Sh*t, I forgot that I would be meeting Harry’s sister, too. Why am I so nervous about it? I’m sure they’re just as lovely as Harry.

I get yet another notification and this time, Anne followed me and replied to Gemma’s tweet.

@MrsAnneTwist: @GemmaAnneStyles @Harry_Styles kids, behave! I love you both equally! Now stop fighting. @LilyAbbott_xx dear, I can’t wait to meet you too. Harry’s told me so much about you! x

My eyes widen at her tweet. Harry’s told her about me? When? What’s he told her?

I decide to favourite her tweet, not knowing how to reply but then I see that Harry did.

@Harry_Styles: @MrsAnneTwist @GemmaAnneStyles @LilyAbbott_xx mum, stop embarrassing me!

I laugh again as I type out a reply.

@LilyAbbott_xx: @Harry_Styles @MrsAnneTwist @GemmaAnneStyles that’s what you get for greeting your mum 11 minutes late.

I bite my lip, holding back the smile caused by this amusing conversation.

I quickly get a reply.

@GemmaAnneStyles: @LilyAbbott_xx @Harry_Styles @MrsAnneTwist Lily, I like you already

My smile widens at Gemma’s words. I knew that Gemma was just as sweet as Harry.

@Harry_Styles: @GemmaAnneStyles @LilyAbbott_xx stop ganging up on me! It’s 2 against 1. @MrsAnneTwist, Gemma and Lily are being mean :( mum, make them stop.

I roll my eyes but my smile continues to widen.

@MrsAnneTwist: @Harry_Styles @GemmaAnneStyles stop or I’m going to have to put you two in time out. And you’re going to scare @LilyAbbott_xx away before I get to meet her

@Harry_Styles: @MrsAnneTwist @GemmaAnneStyles @LilyAbbott_xx sorry mum! Love you!x

@GemmaAnneStyles: @MrsAnneTwist @Harry_Styles @LilyAbbott_xx soz mum. Love you more!

I favourite all of their tweets, deciding to let the conversation end there. I see that all three of them favourite them as well.

I decide to turn off my phone, putting it back on my bedside table when I receive a text.

I grab it again and open my messages, seeing that it’s from Harry.

*My mum and sister can’t wait to meet you tomorrow. Or technically, later today. My sister already likes you more than she likes me :P And thanks for greeting my mum. That was very nice of you :)*

What is it with this boy always saying things to make me smile?

*I was actually worried that she didn’t know me but now I find out that you’ve told her about me. I hope only good things :P Anyways, I can’t wait to meet them. And I can’t wait to see you. It’s been a while lol*

I guess I got used to seeing him every day that I found it slightly weird not seeing him today.

*It’s been too long. I missed you today.*

I freeze. I missed him, too, but I didn’t think it would be okay to tell him that. Of course he doesn’t mean it anymore than when friends say it to each other. Harry probably just texted Ivana the same thing.

I think through my reply. What do I say to make me sound less of a b*tch?

Not wanting to take too long to reply, I quickly type one out.

*Definitely been too long. Anyways, I’m going to sleep now. I’ll see you tomorrow. Or technically, later today ;) Good night!*

I couldn’t.

As much as I wanted to tell him that I missed him, too, I couldn’t. With the conversation I had with Ed today and the song that I wrote, it would be too much for me. Back when we were together, I would tell him that I miss him even though we saw each other that day. The second that he leaves after we spend the day together, I already miss him.

I don’t think I’m able to say those words again. They’re just as scary as saying ‘I love you’. I know I’m making a big deal out of it. I can say that I miss him and mean it in a friendly way like how I would say it to Eleanor or Perrie but I can’t.

*See you later. Good night, Lily. Sweet dreams. x*

This is what I don’t like about texting. I don’t know how they’re feeling behind their words. Was Harry offended that I didn’t say that I miss him, too? Is he okay with it? Did he even notice?

There’s no way of knowing so I just turn off my phone and place it back on my table. The thought of seeing Harry tomorrow and meeting his mum and sister puts me into slight ease and I find it easier to fall to sleep.

I dream about Harry and I dancing to Last First Kiss. I don’t know where we are but we seem to be outside since the stars are shining brightly above us.

I don’t even focus on my surroundings, only allowing myself to relish in the feeling of being in Harry’s arms as he looks down at me with pure and genuine love.

Harry may not be mine in reality but if I can have him in my dreams, I would want to dream forever.

 

***********************

 

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