Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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147. His & Hers

SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE!

I actually started my new job so I've been busy these past couple of weeks. I'm not sure how my updating schedule will be like because I don't have a set work schedule (for those of you who remember, I'm a nurse so I'll be getting all kinds of shifts, day shifts and night shifts any day of the week, including the weekend).

But don't worry, it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop writing or that I'm going to end the story quicker than originally planned. It just means that I won't be able to update as often as I did.

I still love this story so much so it'll be written exactly as planned all the way until the end.

Anyways, here's the update! Enjoy!

**

Lily's POV

I take a deep breath as I sit on Harry's bed, waiting for him to finish showering. His family had left about an hour ago and after helping his parents clean up a little bit, we all headed to bed. I had told Harry that we could get ready for bed first before I give him his Christmas present. I had taken a shower first so now all I have to do is wait as I sit here with his gift in my hands.

I turn it over and over in nervousness, a part of me wanting to pull Harry out of the shower just so I can give it to him and get it over with.

Luckily, I hear the shower turn off and after a couple of minutes that felt like hours, he comes out in just his typical boxer briefs as he runs a towel through his hair.

I take another deep, calming breath, my grip tightening around the gift in my hands. He smiles at me as he throws the towel onto the back of the chair and walks up to me and sits beside me.

"Is that my gift?" he asks in playful excitement, causing a smile to break through my nervousness.

"It is."

"Do I finally get to open it or do I have to wait until next year?"

My smile widens as I nudge him with my shoulder. I look up at him, meeting his gaze, letting it relax me as I slowly hand it over to him.

With the shape of the gift, it would be quite obvious as to what it is but I have a feeling that Harry might not be expecting whatever it is that I had gotten him.

He looks down at the gift in excitement as he opens it, his face softening in a flash as he realizes what it is.

It's a velvet box, specifically one for a ring. He looks back up at me in shock, his eyes wide as I give him a nervous smile.

"Open it," I say softly.

I see him swallow, his eyes darting back to the box in his hands. I notice them shaking slightly as he lift the lid up to reveal a silver ring with black inlay and a row of tiny diamonds wrapping around the band. To others, it could be another one of Harry's intricate rings but, to us, it holds the promise we made to each other.

I watch as he picks it up from the pillow, holding it up to look at it closer.

I take a nervous gulp and clear my throat. "I...I just thought that since we both made the promise to each other, that...that I would get you a ring, as well, since you got me one. I...this is what the salesman at the jewelry store showed me for promise rings for men and...and I kind of wanted it to be similar to the one that you got me, except for the black inlay. I...I chose that because I thought you'd like it."

The longer that Harry looks down at the ring in complete silence, the more nervous I get. I start to second-guess getting him this for Christmas but, just as I'm about to apologize, I see him slip it onto the ring finger on his right hand.

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding as he holds it up and when I look up at his face and see him smiling, I relax tremendously.

"Do...do you like it?"

He drops his hand, holding mine instead as he turns to look at me.

"I love it. It's the best gift I could ever ask for. It...it honestly means a lot. I mean, I loved giving you your ring. I was happy enough with that but...you giving me this, it just hits me even harder that it's real."

My smile widens as he takes my hand and pulls me to sit on his lap.

"It's real, babe," I say softly before I lean in and place a quick kiss on his lips.

He pulls away with a soft smile on his face. "I could marry you right now."

I playfully roll my eyes as he chuckles and buries his face into the crook of my neck. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me as I kiss the side of his head.

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about," he says, leaning back to look at me.

"What is it?"

"Well, we start tour again in America right after New Years so...I was wondering if you wanted to go with me. I...I know you have another week off before you have to go back to school so...I mean, if you want to, I can take you with me."

I can tell how nervous he is. I mean, other than when I had gone to Peru, I hadn't been able to visit him for his tour. I know he had told me to tell him any time I had time off so he could fly me to wherever he was but I had never had the time to.

I didn't know what it'd be like. I had thought that he would be too busy and we would barely have time to spend together, but, after Peru, I would go again in a heartbeat.

"Really?" I ask with a smile. "I don't want to be too much trouble."

His eyebrows scrunch together. "Of course not. Like I said, I'd have you there 24/7 if I could. I want you there as much as possible."

I can feel my smile widening at the thought of being able to join him on tour again, being able to see him perform.

"The first show is in Toronto, Canada, so we can go sightseeing around the city. And then maybe we can go to Niagara Falls. I know you'd love that. And then, if we have time, I can take you around New York before our next show in New Jersey. Or we can go anywhere you would like to go."

I bite my lip to hold back the huge smile threatening to spread across my lips. "Are you sure? That seems too much. You don't have to go through all that trouble for me. I'll be happy just being on the tour bus with you."

He rolls his eyes. "Will you stop saying that? It's absolutely no trouble. I know how much you've wanted to visit all of these places so it's the least I could do. Just say 'yes'. Say that you'll go with me. I'm not ready to be away from you again just yet."

"And what if I say 'no'?" I tease.

He playfully glares at me. "Then I might just have to kidnap you and take you with me for the entire tour."

"Hmm, well, that doesn't sound too bad. What if I like that option better?"

"I'll gladly do it, baby. Just say the word."

I laugh. "Sorry, babe. Maybe next time."

He pouts and tightens his arms around me. "I honestly can't wait until you finish school. Then I can have you any time I want. I'm never letting you out of my sight the second you get out. You might as well just move into my place when you graduate."

"Woah, woah, woah," I say, his words catching me off guard. This is now how I thought this conversation was going to go.

"What?" he asks. I can tell he's trying to hide how nervous he is.

"You're not actually serious, are you?"

He shrugs. "Why not? I mean, we're going to spend a lot of time together once we're both free. I know you're going to be staying at my place a lot and I know you're planning to move to London after you graduate. So...might as well just move in with me."

I give a nervous scoff. "Harry, I understand why that would make sense but...I can't just move in with you. That's a huge step."

I slide off of his lap, feeling the need to have a little bit of space between us.

His eyebrows scrunch in confusion as he takes one of my hands in his. "What do you mean? We just promised ourselves to each other. I don't think any other steps can get any bigger than that. Other than actually getting engaged. Moving in together would be nothing. Do you not want to?"

I look away, a million thoughts racing through my mind as I try to get myself together.

"Of course I want to. I-I mean, in the future, of course. I...I've just never had the idea of moving in together in my mind before. At least not right now. I've always had this plan to find a job and buy my own place. You know, start building my own life after I graduate. I...I know that that was before I met you but...it's what I've always wanted to do for myself."

I look back up at him and see dejection on his face. I feel like this is something he's been wanting to bring up and I don't think he thought that I would turn it down like this.

"So...you absolutely don't want to move in with me?"

My shoulders slump, not knowing what to say at all. I feel like I've been cornered. This is something that needs to be discussed and thought about thoroughly. And it's like he's expecting an answer right now.

"Harry. It's not that I don't want to. It's just...I never thought that it would be something that you would want. It's just...I need to think about it. I mean, it's still months from now until I graduate. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind. But...right now, I think it's too fast for us."

He narrows his eyes slightly, like he's studying me carefully. "There's something else you're not telling me. I mean, you were so ecstatic about promising ourselves to each other, which basically means were going to get married one day and, now, all of a sudden, you're scared about moving in together."

Once again, Harry is able to read me like an open book. I immediately look away and stand up, making my way to my suitcase to put my clothes away for tomorrow.

"Harry, let's not ruin today, okay? We'll talk about it some other time."

"We're not going to ruin anything. We're just talking about something that's bound to happen in the future. I know you're trying to avoid it. If you'd just tell me why, maybe I'd understand why you're being like this."

"Why do you want me to make a decision right now? It's literally six months from now. I don't understand why you're throwing this on me all of a sudden."

"It just happened to come up. I honestly thought it would be something that you would be excited about. If you really don't want to move in, at least just tell me why."

"Like I said, I don't want to ruin today, okay?" I turn around and face him and see the look of slight agitation on his face. "It's Christmas day. We'll just talk about it tomorrow."

"How come the communication rule just happens to be thrown out the window any time it's convenient for you? It's completely unfair."

"What's unfair is you throwing this on me out of the blue without even letting it sink in. Just let it go for now, okay?" I start to get frustrated myself. Even though I didn't want to ruin today, I know that it already has.

"I can't just let it go. Just fucking tell me why."

I snap my head to look at him, narrowing my eyes as he does the same. "Don't cuss at me like that, especially in your parent's home! Have some respect! What's gotten into you? I gave you a ring for Christmas and this is how you treat me."

Guilt washes over his face for a split second but I know that his stubbornness is taking over his pride.

I scoff and shake my head. "This is what I'm talking about," I say quietly.

This is what I've been trying to avoid. These past few weeks with him have been more than I could ask for and now it's about to be ruined.

"This is why, Harry. I know that we say that we'll never hurt each other anymore. I know that we've promised ourselves to each other but...no matter what, neither of us knows what's going to happen in the future. Look at us... We're fighting over this and we're not even living together. What's going to happen when we are? Where am I going to go? No matter how hard we try, neither of us can avoid the fights, the problems that we're for sure going to have."

He opens his mouth to say something but I interrupt him, knowing exactly what he's going to say.

"I know that we promised ourselves to each other," I continue. "I know that it seems like that's the answer to all of our problems but...it's not. That's exactly why we're promised to each other and not engaged. We're not ready, Harry. Promising ourselves means that we love each other and can't see ourselves being with anyone else. Even if we were engaged, even if we were married, it doesn't protect us from everything that can happen down the line. We've technically only been together for four months and you've been on tour for more than three months of it. We haven't even tried what it'd be like to live together. We argue enough not living together. Who knows what we'd be like when we do? We might rip each other's heads off."

I release a harsh breath as I look at the sadness on his face. Of course I feel bad but I know it's better for us to get all of our feelings out.

I take a tentative step towards him, gauging his reaction. I relax slightly when I see the look on his face that he has whenever he wants me closer to him. I know that look. He has that look almost all the time, especially when we had Skyped.

I take another step closer, also because I want to be closer to him, too, even with the argument we're having. I stop right in front of him and when I reach my hand up to rest on his cheek, his own hands move up to take my hips, pulling me to stand in between his legs.

"It's not that I don't want to move in with you. I do. I've dreamt about living in the same house as you, picking out furniture and wall colours. I've dreamt about waking up in our bed, sharing a closet with you, going downstairs to our kitchen to make you breakfast. I've even dreamt about going grocery shopping with you and arguing with you about getting junk food that I know you'd refuse in our house. I want all of that. I truly, really do... When we're ready. We need to know everything we need to when it comes to living together. I need to know your pet peeves, what makes you tick, what OCDs you have, any weird rituals you have when you wake up and when you go to sleep."

I smile as soon as I see one start to spread across his lips.

"And you need to know how crazy I am when I'm in one of my moods," I continue. "You need to know how unhealthy I eat when I'm in another kind of mood, how grumpy I get when people wake me up even just a minute before I have to. And you need to know my pet peeves, what makes me tick, what OCDs I have and any weird rituals I have throughout the day. And we'll have that one day but we need many, many, many trial runs before we even dip our toes into that. When I graduate and you're done you're tour, we can try me staying at your place a few days at a time and see what it's like. And knowing us, I'm probably going to like it to the point where I'll eventually stay forever but...we shouldn't jump into it right away. I think we're both just in this high of being together 24/7 these past few weeks. We just need to stop for a second and really think it through and figure everything out before I start packing my bags and take over half of your bed and your entire closet."

Finally, I earn a small laugh from him. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, leaning closer to him.

"We'll have that one day, babe. We will. But, right now, I think that we need to get a good head on our shoulders first before we go deeper into the adult world of being a domestic couple. And I need to learn how to cook for my man, too."

Suddenly, he takes the backs of my thighs and yanks on them, making me yelp out as I straddle his lap.

"I'll just hire a chef. I'd wanna spend every single second with you. Plus, I don't want you to end up burning the house down if I ask you to make pancakes."

I gasp and swat at his shoulder. I try to move off of him but, of course, he tightens his arms around me as he laughs. I playfully roll my eyes as I settle in his lap again and run my hands along his chest.

As his laughter dies down, I just sweep my gaze along his face as I smile softly at him. And when it's completely silent in the room, I look up to meet his eyes.

"Merry Christmas, Harry."

He leans in and places a kiss on my forehead. "Merry Christmas, baby. I'm glad I got to spend it with you."

"Me, too. Thank you for inviting me."

His smile widens. "I never had second thoughts of spending Christmas with you. As soon as I had that idea in my head, I could never have imagined it any differently. Whether it was with my family or with yours or even if it was just the two of us, I know that there's nothing else better."

One of my hands reaches up to brush against his cheek and I lean in to give him a soft, lingering kiss. Suddenly, he tightens his arms around me and spins us around, my back landing on the bed as he moves to hover right over me.

I smile up at him, my hands roaming along his chest as his eyes sweep across my face.

"Damn it. I wish we weren't in my parent's house right now. I want you so bad," he groans as he buries his face into the crook of my neck, his lips dragging along my skin.

I let out a soft giggle as my hands tangle in his hair. "Sorry, babe. We'll have to wait until tomorrow when we go home."

He nibbles on my neck before he sucks it into his mouth, making me release a quiet gasp as I bite my bottom lip.

"I can't wait that long," he growls lowly. "How about we be really, really quiet? They're probably sleeping anyways."

"No, Harry," I laugh. "Absolutely not. Plus, you know I could never be quiet with you."

He chuckles as he lifts his head up and looks down at me. "Yes, I know that quite well."

He moves up to straddle my waist and leans over me to trap my hands against the bed above my head. "I can cover your mouth with one of my ties. Or I can just use my hand. I'm sure they'll do the trick."

I laugh as I try to free my hands from his grip. "Stop it. Get off of me!"

"Get off of you or get you off? Cause I will gladly do the second."

He moves my arms together, holding them against the bed with just one of his hands now. With his free hand, he slides it gently down my arms, along my chest and stop along the waistband of my shorts as he moves to sit on my thighs.

"Harry Edward Styles, stop this instant!" I whisper-shout. I try to push him off of me as I try to yank my arms from his grasp.

"And what if I don't?"

He inches his fingers underneath my shorts slowly, a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

"I won't have sex with you for 50 years!" I say desperately, his fingers getting closer and closer to where I want him to be but he shouldn't be at the same time.

"Hmm...50 years? So you're saying if I stop right now, we'll still have sex when we're 70 years old?"

I laugh and whine at the same time. "Harry, stop! I'm serious. Your parents could hear us."

"Then you're gonna have to try really, really hard to not make any noises."

I release a sharp gasp as his fingers slide down to my heat over my panties. He applies the slightest pressure but it's enough for me to squirm underneath him.

"Harry," I breathe, not sure what I'm trying to tell him, whether I want him to stop or to keep going.

However, when he starts to move his fingers underneath my panties, I don't stop him. I close my eyes and bite down hard on my lip, trying to suppress my moans as his fingers glide over my bundle of nerves, making me jerk underneath him.

However, as soon as he presses harder and starts to move in circles, a knock is heard on the door. Harry and I have never moved faster in our life as he removes his hand from my shorts and spins around to sit on the bed as I sit up and fix my shirt, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Harry?" Anne says through the other side of the door.

Harry catches his breath for a couple of seconds before he clears his throat. "Yes, mum. Come in.

Just as the door opens, Harry reaches behind him and grabs one of the pillows before placing it over his lap.

I cross my legs and sit on my shaking hands as Anne appears in in the doorway.

"Just wanted to say good night." She smiles.

I smile back at her as Harry nods, prompting his mum to come in and give each of us a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Good night, love," she says to the both of us. "I'll see you two in the morning. Get some sleep."

"We will," Harry says. "Good night, mum."

She gives us one more smile before she turns around and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

Harry releases a deep breath as he falls back on the bed. Despite almost getting caught, I laugh. I turn around and crawl to the head of the bed, sliding underneath the covers and lying down.

"I told you," I sing. "Now go to sleep."

He playfully curses at me under his breath as he turns around and moves underneath the blanket beside me.

He turns off the table lamp before he lies back down and wraps an arm around me from behind.

"Good night, baby."

"Good night, Harry," I turn my head and find his lips in the dark, giving him a deep kiss. "I love you."

"Love you."

I settle on the pillow again, the both of us moving until we're completely confortable.

As I take a deep breath, I feel Harry's hand slide down to the front of my shorts. 

"Would you like to continue what we started?" he whispers.

Without opening my eyes, I swat his arm and kick his leg. "Absolutely fucking not. Go to sleep or I'm making you sleep on the floor."

Thankfully, he moves his hand back to rest on my stomach. "Excuse me. But this is my room."

"I don't care. You know well enough that I can make you sleep anywhere I want."

He laughs against my hair and tightens his arms around me, pulling me even closer.

"You're probably right about that. Okay, okay, I'll behave."

Silence fills the room again and I start to drift off to sleep but, of course, not before one last cheeky comment from Harry.

"But as soon as we get home, I'll show you who's in charge."

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