Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


19. Grocery Shopping

Lily’s POV

It was mine and Harry’s one-month anniversary and I decided to surprise him this morning. All of the boys had each other’s keys to their houses so I asked Eleanor to ask Louis if I could borrow Harry’s. So, I drive to Eleanor’s to pick up the keys and I drive straight to Harry’s. I park on the other side of the street and walk up to Harry’s front porch. It was 7:30 in the morning so I knew that Harry would still be sleeping.

I quietly unlock the door and close it carefully behind me. I tiptoe to the stairs and climb them. I walk across the hallway and stop in front of his door. I put my ear up to door to listen for any noise and the noise that I heard made my heart drop into my stomach.

I can hear moaning.

“Oh, Harry.”

I put my hand over my mouth, trying to suppress the sobs that are threatening to come out. Tears spill out of my eyes.

This can’t be happening again.

Hurt fills every fiber of my body and I can feel the pain in my heart. But then anger overtakes the hurt.

He promised he would never hurt me.

I furiously wipe the tears from my face before I take a deep breath and open the door forcefully.

Déjà vu.

Harry is laying on top of a girl. Harry looks over at me with no emotion in his eyes.

“Harry?” I sound so weak and broken and neither of these emotions affect Harry in any way.

He stares right through me before he turns away and buries his face into the girl’s neck.

I feel my heart shatter in my chest before I turn around and run.


I sat up straight in my bed, gasping before realization hits me that it was just a dream. But it felt so real. I put my hand up to my face and realize that my cheeks are wet from tears. I wipe them away before I put my knees up to my chest and hug my legs, burying my face in them.

Out of all of my fears, especially the ones that come with relationships, this is the one that appears in my dreams. I take deep breaths to calm myself down and wait until my body stops shaking.

Why am I even having these nightmares about Harry?

I should be having happy dreams. It was just last night that Harry asked me to be his girlfriend, I should be filled with joy.

Harry isn’t like Marcus. He promised me that he wouldn’t hurt me like Marcus did.

But Marcus said the same thing to me in the beginning of our relationship.

Now that I think about it, Marcus made me almost as happy as Harry did. At least, when we first started to go out.

Just like Harry is.

No, Lily. It isn’t going to happen again with Harry.

Even though the nightmare was scarily similar to what happened when I caught Marcus cheating on me, it didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean that the same thing is going to happen again with Harry.

It was just a dream.

It’s just a dream, Lily, It’s just a dream.

“It’s just a dream,” I whisper to myself, trying to convince myself with this statement.

But these words didn’t seem to get rid of my worries, as horrible thoughts came crashing into my brain.

What if we went into this too fast?

I mean, we just met a bit over a week ago. With Marcus, it was two months from when we first met in high school until he asked me out. And even when we started dating, it wasn’t until one more after that that he asked me to be his girlfriend.

It’s been less than two weeks and me and Harry are already in a relationship.

Are we moving too fast?

Should we even be doing this?

Should I be doing this?

I just got out of a two-year relationship with my first love. Even though he cheated on me, I should’ve taken more time to recover, to heal. I should have taken some time for myself. No relationships.

But, with Harry, I didn’t need to.

He makes me happy. He makes me feel worthy after feeling worthless from what Marcus did to me.

I shouldn’t be having these bad thought about Harry. All he’s done is make me happy since we first met.

He’s done a lot for me. More than what I can repay him for. I owe it to him, and to myself, to go into this relationship without any presumptions. I shouldn’t compare him to Marcus. I shouldn’t be having any doubts about him.

I have to get rid of these thoughts. Now.

I take a deep breath and raise my head. I get out of bed, seeing that it was six in the morning and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep even if I tried.

I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and head to the kitchen. I see the light on and I walk in seeing Ed making coffee.

He turns around when he hears me.

“What are you doing up so early?” he asks.

I walk up to his side to make myself a bowl of cereal.

“I had a bad dream and I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

I told him the truth because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to think of another reason that I would be up this late that would convince him. However, I decided not to tell him what happened in my said dream.

He puts at arm around me and gives me a hug.

“Are you alright?”

I nod and smile up at him. “Yeah, it was silly, really.”

“Just tell those monsters to go away.”

I laugh and push him away from the fridge so that I could get the milk. He sits at the counter as I look for the milk in the fridge, realizing that we didn’t have any.

“Oh yeah, we ran out of milk,” Ed says.

I close the fridge and turn around, crossing my arms.

“You could’ve told me that before I started making my cereal.”

He takes a sip of his coffee. “Uhh…I forgot?”

I roll my eyes. I turn around and attempt to put the cereal back in the box, failing miserably as almost half of the bowl falls on the ground.

The whole I was doing that and while I was picking up the cereal that fell on the floor, Ed is laughing at me. As I pick up the last cereal off of the ground, I turn around and throw a few pieces at him.

“Shut up,” I say. I throw out the rest and walk over to the sink to wash my hands.

I decide to make toast so I proceed to make some. While I’m waiting for it to finish, I turn around and face Ed.

“What time are you working today?”

He glances at his watch. “I have to leave soon and I should be done around 4.”

I nod. “I guess I can go shopping for food while you’re gone. And I’ll cook something for when you come home from work.”

“Alright. Are you sure you don’t want to wait for me?”

I roll my eyes. “Knowing you, you’re probably going to pay for it even though we agreed that I would buy groceries.”

I chuckles. “You know me too well. But I’m going to leave the car for you so you don’t have to take a cab with all of the groceries. The keys are on my dresser again.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll manage.”

“Knowing you, you won’t.” He laughs. “Honestly, it’s okay. I’m having Stuart pick me up.”

My bread is finished toasting so I put some peanut butter on it. When I take a bite, Ed’s phone gets a text.

“That’s him now.” He gets up and puts in mug in the sink before he walks over to me and gives me a hug. Suddenly, I feel him slip something into my back pocket. I pull away and grab it. It’s money.

“Ed! What are you doing?” I walk over to him and shove the money into the pocket of his hoodie.

He laughs before he walks away. “I tried.”

I smile before I follow him to the door and continue to eat my breakfast.

“See you later, Lil.” He opens the door and walks out. I lean against it and wave.

“Bye, Ed.” He walks away and I close the door.

I look at the clock on the wall and see that it’s only 6:30. The stores aren’t open yet so I decide to take a shower before I go. I finish my toast and go back into the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice.

When I’m finished eating, I head to the bathroom. I take my time in the shower, making time pass. Once I finish, I put on a pair of jean shorts and a t-shirt and do my makeup. I put my hair into a ponytail and top it with a camouflage cap. I brush my teeth again before I go into Ed’s room to get the car keys.

I look at the time on my phone and see that it’s almost 9. There should be some stores open so I decide to head out so I can finish early.

I take the elevator down to the parking garage and hop into Ed’s car. Just I put the key into the ignition and turn it on, I get a text on my phone. I grab it and see that it’s a text from Harry. I don’t know why seeing his name made me feel anxious. But I took a deep breath and opened the message.

*Good morning :) What are your plans for today?*

I hesitate to answer but I see no reason to tell him.

*I’m going grocery shopping for Ed*

I decide to wait for his response so I keep the car in idle and sit and wait. A few seconds later, I get a reply.

*Would you like me to help? :)*

I knew he was going to ask to tag along but what I didn’t know what whether I wanted him to or not. After that dream that I had and I doubts that I had about going into this too fast, I was leaning towards the latter.

We’ve hung out almost every day since I’ve been here, every day that he didn’t have work, like today. It’s not that I didn’t want to see him, I just needed some time alone. I needed a tiny bit of time for myself. I felt bad for my reasoning but it’s what I need, especially with all of the horrible thoughts that infected my mind this morning. I need time to think things through.

So, I shakily hover my fingers over the screen before I sent a reply.

*It’s okay. I’m going to be real quick and then I have to go on a few other errands. I don’t want to trouble you. And I have Ed’s car so I’ll be fine.*

I knew what he was going to reply with and that’s exactly what I got once I got a response from him.

*I really don’t mind. I don’t have anything else to do today. Plus, I really want to see you :)*

Guilt ran through my body. I could practically see the smile on Harry’s face as he typed out this message. I felt bad for basically blowing him off but I just needed at least a day for myself.

*I want to see you too. But really, it’s okay. I’ll just talk to you later, okay? :)*

I close my eyes in guilt as I send him the text. I don't bother reading his reply because I know that I’ll feel even guiltier with whatever he says. So. I put the car into drive and head out of the parking garage.

I googled some stores before I left so I followed the directions to the closest one. I hear my phone receive a text and I knew that it was from Harry. But I resist the urge to look at it.

I arrive at the store and park in the lot. I head into the store and grab a cart. I push it into the produce section and start getting vegetables and fruits. I spend a bit over an hour getting all of the things on the list that I made and more before I line up at the cash register. Once I’ve paid, I push the cart to the car. I load the groceries into the trunk and as I’m putting in the last bag, a man with a camera appears out of nowhere and starts taking pictures of me.

Panic fills my body but I pull my hat down further to hide my face as I close the trunk.

I just have to ignore him. Don’t bother talking to him.

“Lily, are you and Harry Styles together?”

I started to push the cart back into the shelter where other carts are linked together and the man follows me, his camera snapping pictures of me non-stop.

“Lily, look here. Smile for the camera.” I ignore his orders. “Are you and Harry Styles a couple? Lily. Lily. Look here.”

I place the cart in the shelter and start walking back to the car. I pull my hat back down and keep my hand in front of my face as he walks backwards in front of me. He goes into the space between my car and the car beside me, blocking my way to the driver’s side door.

He just stands there and continues to snap pictures of me.

“Excuse me,” I say, my voice shaky and filled with fear.

He ignores me and continues to take pictures.

I walk over to the other side so that I could walk around the front of the car but the man does the same and blocks my way from the front.

I’m still scared but I’m getting more agitated. I never thought that I would have a problem going grocery shopping. This has never happened before.

This never happened before I got here.

This never happened before I met Harry.

I quickly shake that horrible thought away, scolding myself for even thinking that.

I take a step closer to the man.

“Please move.” I sound more convincing and stern. I’m pretty sure that they aren’t allowed to do this. This is basically harassment.

He still doesn’t move.

By now, I’m desperate to get in the car and get away from him. I’m about to lose it and this man just continues to take pictures of me without a care in the world.

I’m about to mouth him off but someone calls my name.


I turn my head and see Niall walking up to me, looking worried as he looks between me and the man. The man notices Niall and instantly starts taking pictures of him. I breath a sigh of relief as Niall walks up to me and put a hand on my back.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“He won’t get out of the way. I’m trying to get to the car.”

Now, the man is taking pictures of the both of us and his next questions shock me.

“Are you two together? Niall. Are you and Lily together? I thought that she was with Harry. Are you two a couple.”

I’m starting to panic again and Niall notices as he looks at me with worry in his eyes. He looks back at the man, his worry turning to anger.

“Get out of the way,” Niall says. He walks in front of me but keeps a hand on my wrist. The man is now snapping pictures like crazy, surely because of the fact that Niall is holding on to me. The man starts walking backwards as Niall walks towards him. The driver’s side door is now accessible and I immediately unlock it before Niall opens it and opens his arms for me to get it while blocking the man’s view.

I quickly hop into the car and start it while Niall walks around the front and opens the passenger door before he steps in.

“Drive,” he says. I didn’t need telling twice before I put the car in drive and drove away. I could see the man in the side-view mirror still taking pictures and he disappears as I turn onto the street.

I take a deep breath and take a glance at Niall.

“Thank you, Niall.”

He looks back at me and smiles.

“No worries.”

I focus back onto the road.

“What were you doing at the store?” I was curious as to why he was there but I was relieved. If he wasn’t there, I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done.

“I was just getting some toothpaste and this was the only store that had my favourite.” He lifts a plastic bag that I only now just realized he was holding.

“Oh. Well, let’s just say that I’m glad that you ran out or I wouldn’t have been able to escape that cameraman.”

We laugh as I turn onto my street.

“Wait, what about your car? Didn’t you drive there?”

He shakes his head. “No, I had security drive me in case of paparazzi but I told them that I’d just go with you. I wanted to make sure you were okay. I’ll just have them pick me up at Ed’s place.”

I give him a smile. “Thank you. I appreciate it, really. I just never knew that I would have to handle paparazzi when I need to go to the grocery store.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. I just really hope it doesn’t happen that much, especially when I’m by myself.”

“Maybe you need security more than I do,” he jokes.

I laugh. “Yeah, maybe.”

A few seconds on silence pass by, the radio playing a rock song playing quietly in the background.

“So you aren’t hanging out with Harry today?” he asks.

I tense.

Does he know about me and Harry?

Me and Harry talked last night when I got home and we decided - well, I asked and he agreed - that we would wait a while until we told everyone. We knew that we had to tell Ed first and then we would tell everyone else. But I also wanted to go on a few more dates, as well before we went public.

“Oh, um. No. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, I just thought that since you guys spend so much time together, I thought that you two would hang out today. Especially since we have the day off.”

I breath a sigh of relief.

“I…didn’t know you guys had a day off.” Lie.


“And I wouldn’t want to bother him with grocery shopping. I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to come.” Lie.

He chuckles. “I'm pretty sure he would have wanted to go,” he says in a teasing tone. It sounded similar to how Perrie and Eleanor talk when they talk to me about Harry.

I just force a laugh as I reach the flat. I drive towards the parking garage.

“I’ll help you bring the bags up.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

I open the garage and drive down to the parking spaces. I turn into the row of parking spaces where Ed’s car is reserved for and park the car.

“You owe me lunch for helping you though.”

I laugh as I turn off the car.

Niall starts laughing with me as I look up through the front window. My laughter immediately stops and my smile disappears as I see Harry leaning against his car across from us, his expression hard and jaw tensing as he looks between me and Niall.




This chapter is dedicated to omfgitssasha and Louis' Little Carrot!

Go check out their fanfics!




Okay, so a few things to address here.




2. I'm back at school so I won't be able to update as much I was during the Christmas holidays. But I will try to update as much as I can because it's about to get to the good parts! DRAMA!


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