Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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66. Gone

Playlist for this chapter:

Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer

One - Ed Sheeran

Photograph - Ed Sheeran

**

Harry’s POV

I’m startled awake when I feel the bed dip beside me. I’m attempting to pry my heavy and puffy eyes open when I feel a light hand brush along my cheek.

“Harry.”

That voice.

I snap my eyes open and look up to see the most heavenly view.

She’s here. Lily’s here and she’s smiling down at me with tears in her eyes. I’m frozen in my spot, still in shock and disbelief that she’s here. She caressed her fingers through my hair, just like she was doing before I had fallen asleep and then left me for the train.

I lift my head up. “Lily?” I whisper.

Her smile widens, a tear escaping.

I finally push myself up from the bed into a sitting position, my face finally leveled with hers. I bring my hand up and slowly rest my fingertips against her cheek, afraid that she’s going to disappear with my touch. But she doesn’t. She’s here.

“Lily? What are you doing here?”

“I got off the train.” Her smile widens, triggering mine. “I couldn’t leave you like I did. I…I love you, Harry. So much. I want to try. I want to make it work. No matter what happens, I know that we somehow find our way back to each other. You’re it for me, too.”

Hearing these words that I was dying to hear her say at the train station is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. I never thought that I would hear those words coming out of her mouth. She’s been so closed off from me when it comes to her feelings and hearing it all now, I could hear her say it over and over again and I’d never get tired of it.

“I love you so much, Lily. I love you. I love you. I love you,” I say in between quick kisses.

She takes my face in both of her hands, letting the kiss linger. I take my other hand and pull her closer, wanting no more distance in between us.

I start to feel lightheaded and at first, I think it’s because of the breathtaking kiss but then I realize that all of my senses and all of my surroundings are starting to fade.

I jolt upright in my bed, my hand reaching out in front of me where Lily was just a second ago. But she’s not there. I look around my room, looking for her, for any sign of her presence.

I find nothing. My room is as empty as my heart is. I close my eyes as I feel the pressure in my chest every time I remind myself that Lily’s gone. Lily’s on the train, putting more and more distance between us, physically and emotionally.

That’s why I attempted to fall asleep. I needed to. I couldn’t stand being here in my room, anywhere in my house and being reminded of her with everything I look at.

Driving home in my car reminded me of when she would play with the fingers of my free hand as I drove.

I pull her hand to my lips, kissing it as she looks adoringly at me. I place our hands back on her lap, letting it rest there as I continue to drive. I’m focusing on the road when I feel my ring being slipped off of my finger.

I glance at her quickly, seeing her smiling at my ring before placing it on her thumb.

“I’m going to keep this for a while. I really like it.”

I laugh. I’m so mesmerized by that damn smile on her face that I almost hit the car beside me. Thankfully, Lily didn’t notices as I allow myself one last look at her before I focus back on the road.

That was when I knew that that ring belonged to her and only her.

When I got home from the train station and I had parked the car in the garage, seeing my motorcycle reminded me of the few times that I had taken her out for a ride on it and when she had rode it herself. I can hear her laughter as she had taken full control of the motorcycle.

Even walking through my front door reminded me of when she drunkenly stumbled through it that night after the Brit Awards and she had given me my ring back.

I thought that going straight to my room would help but it was far from it.

My bed reminded me of when she would lie in my arms, burying her face into the crook of my neck as we talked for hours about nothing and everything.

I had thought that sleeping would help but the dream I just had was just as painful.

Now I don’t know what’s worse: being reminded of the past and what was or falling asleep and dreaming about what could be.

Even though that dream reflects what I want most in the world, I know that I wouldn’t want to dream it again. Dreaming about what could be is not a good alternative for the torture I go through as I look anywhere and I’m reminded of her.

**

Lily’s POV

I place my suitcase on top of my childhood bed. My parents had picked me up at the train station and now I’m home.

My mum had told me to take a nap while she made dinner. She probably mistook my ruined makeup and puffy eyes for tiredness from the train ride home. That was fine with me, as long as they didn’t question me about what really happened.

I decided to unpack first, deciding that I wanted to take my journal out. I unzip my suitcase and start taking out my clothes. I place them on top of my dresser, making them wait until later for me to put them away. I reach the bottom of my suitcase when I take out the last shirt and I freeze at what’s laying beside my journal.

An envelope.

My name is scrawled on the front in familiar writing. Harry’s writing.

I place my shirt on my bed and sit down on the edge, reaching down for the envelope. It’s heavy, knowing that it’s definitely not just a letter inside.

My shaking hands flip it over, opening it and looking inside. I bring my hand up to cover my mouth, attempting to stop myself from crying. I try to blink back the tears, knowing that I can’t break down again.

I tip the envelope over and let the object fall into my hand.

Harry’s ring.

It feels heavier than usual and it’s cold against my palm. I close my hand around it and rest my hand against my chest, right over my heart. I take a deep shaky breath and take out the letter from the envelope. The writing is small and cramped but both sides of the paper are covered in Harry’s writing.

Dearest Lily,

First of all, I have no idea how things are going to be between us when you finally read this letter. I am writing this after I waited for you in Ed’s lobby, after you told me to let you go. I asked Ed to put it in your suitcase, hoping that you’ll read it when you leave. Please don’t get upset with Ed. I probably would’ve done anything to get this letter in your hands.

I hope that things will be good between us by the time you read this letter but seeing as how things are right now, I can only hope and pray.

There are so many things that I need to tell you. So many things that I need you to know and, most importantly, believe. As for when you told me to let you go. I want you to know that, no matter what, I’m not going to let you go. I never will. I am going to do whatever it takes to win you back but if we somehow don’t find our way back together, I still won’t let you go. You will always have a place in my heart and I intend to do whatever it takes to keep you there.

You’ve changed me in ways that I can’t explain but I can tell you that being with you made me realize what I want in my life. I want to live life to the fullest like you and I did in the short time that we spent together. I want to face my fears and let it strengthen me like you did when it came to facing your fear of playing on stage but also you fear of loving again. I want to take the simplest things and make them beautiful, just like you did with the moon, with my ring, with your bracelet, and even with me. I never thought of myself the way you thought of me, the way you made me feel. You made me feel special. You made me feel loved in ways that I never thought people would love about me. I felt…simple but you made me feel like I was more, like I was special.

When I met you, I thought it was just a tiny little crush that I was eventually going to get over, especially knowing that you were only going to be in London for the summer, and also for the fact that you’re best friends with Ed. I knew there was no point in trying to see if my crush was going to go any further but when you had told me the story of how you and Ed met…actually when you had come into the kitchen after you had just woken up. Most girls would have run back to their room to fix themselves up but you didn’t. And you didn’t need to. You were beautiful to me. But your story, it made me realize how down-to-earth you are and how caring you are. I was trying to deny it, especially when Ed made me promise not to develop feelings for you, but I couldn’t stop it even if my life depended on it.

You were different, a good different. You were breathtaking but you were also a breath of fresh air. I knew then that I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to know everything about you. There was something that I wanted to know about you and I didn’t know what it was back then but then I realized that I wanted to know whether you would want to know about me, too. And I was the luckiest person in the world to be able to have that opportunity when we went on the London Eye the first time.

However, that moment at the bridge, that moment that held a special meaning to the both of us, it’s still as clear in my memory as if it had just happened yesterday. That was when we first found real happiness that we can only get from each other. That was when you opened my eyes to so many things. Most importantly, the moon. And that quote.

I’m embarrassed to admit it but I actually watched that movie that you recited the quote from. Might I add first, the ending was horrible.

But there were some other quotes that I liked in the movie. I know it’s cheesy as hell to write them but they stood out to me. And I know that I shouldn’t be using someone else’s words to express my thoughts and feelings but as I watched the movie, as I heard every line, it reminded me of at least one certain part of the time we spent together, from the moment I laid eyes on you until now.

“And when her eyes met mine, I felt something click, like a key turning in a lock. Believe me, I'm no romantic, and while I've heard about love at first sight, I've never believed in it, and I still don't. But even so, there was something there, something recognizably real, and I couldn't look away.”

When you had come out of your room and I had first laid my eyes on you, and even though you hadn’t looked at me yet, I felt something. But when you looked up at me when Ed introduced us, when you smiled at me, I knew there was something. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew there was something. And now I know that that feeling was what drew me to you, what brought us together.

“And when her lips met mine, I knew that I could live to be a hundred and visit every country in the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when I first kissed the girl of my dreams and knew that my love would last forever.”

When we kissed for the first time in that elevator, even though we tried not to think of it as our real first kiss, it was still special to me. I knew I was falling deeper and deeper when it came to my feelings for you after that kiss. I knew then that I wanted to kiss you again and again and again.

“She laughed, and the sound was so melodic that I knew I wanted to hear it again.”

“She leaned into me, and when I closed my eyes, I knew I wanted nothing more than to hold her this way forever.”

“All I could think was that I would like to spend every morning for the rest of my life waking up beside her.”

Every time I held you, kissed you, heard your laugh, your voice, even just looking at you, your smile, your light, I always wanted more. I never got enough of you even during the time that we were together. I never told you this but whenever I needed a reason to smile, I would just look at you. After a long day at work, I’m instantly relaxed when I see your smile. When I had held you those many nights we spent together when Ed was in LA, when I would wake up, worried that it was all somehow just a dream, all it took was one look at you and I would be reminded again of how lucky I am to be the one to be able to hold you.

“In our time together, you claimed a special place in my heart, one I'll carry with me forever and that no one can ever replace.”

“I'll think about you everyday. Part of me is scared that there'll come a time when you don't feel the same way, that you'll somehow forget about what we shared, so this is what I want to do forever.”

Just like I explained earlier in this letter, no matter what happens between us, if we never see each other again, or if we somehow find our way back to each other, you will always be in my heart. And I just hope that you keep me in yours, that you never forget what we had.

“We’d met at a carefree time, a moment full of promise, in its place now were the harsh lessons of the real world.”

“There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have a feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well. So I take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever I can.”

“Throughout it all, I loved her as much as I always had, and I found myself aching for those simpler times of the past. I knew what was happening, of course. As we were drifting apart, I was becoming more desperate to save what we once had shared; like a vicious circle, however, my desperation made us drift apart even further.”

“If hers are the stars in the nighttime sky, mine are the haunted empty spaces in between.”

In the time we spent apart, during the good times and the bad, I was always reminded of all of the regrets I had, all of the mistakes I made. You were right. I should’ve trusted you. I shouldn’t have doubted any part of what we had. What we had was the best thing I ever had and I beat myself up for screwing it all up. I know that I did some things that just pushed you away even more but I was desperate to have you back. I’m so lost without you. Like I told you that night when you had asked me what I loved about you, I’m happiest when I’m myself and I’m myself when I’m without. I like who I am when I’m with you.

I do wish I could take it all back. I wish I could rewind time and do things differently but I can’t. I have to live with this now and I just hope that somehow this time apart will make it all worth it, that you’ll come back to me and I won’t have to live in pain and regret anymore.

“I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created.”

“I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.”

“Love means to see the one you love happy.”

“Being in love, I find myself smiling for no reason at all.”

“I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you’ll take me in your arms again.”

“Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever.”

I want you to be happy, Lily. And if that means you’ll be happier without me, then I need to accept that. But what I want more than anything in the world is to be the one that makes you happy. And I want you to be the one that gives me the special kind of happiness that you gave me. The kind that made me know that what we had was real.

I know that your intention in coming to London was completely the opposite of wanting to find love and I never thought that I could fall in love with someone as quickly as I did with you. But I’m glad we did. I feel like you were meant to come to London to visit Ed. I feel like we were meant to meet each other. We were meant for each other and I hope that we still are. I still believe we are and I hope you do, too.

As for the ring, I know you gave it back to me thinking that I won’t be there for you but that isn’t even remotely true. I will always be there for you. It may have seemed that I wasn’t but I always have and I always will. I really hope you wear it. You know how I always feel better when you wear it. And I know that I won’t be able to know if you’re wearing it but I really hope you do. That ring isn’t even mine anymore. It’s yours. It’s been yours since you first took it from me and you put it on your finger. I looked at it and I knew that it belonged to you. I hope you wear it knowing that even just a small piece of me will always be with you, as close to your heart as I can get.

And I know that you told me to take off your bracelet because you said that you aren’t going to be there for me anymore. You may not want to talk to me anymore but I will never take off the bracelet. It reminds me of what you gave me, what you’ve done for me. It reminds me of what we had. And I’d like to think that somehow, it’ll bring me back to you, in any way that I can get.

You have given me so many great memories, memories that I will cherish forever. When we met. When we went around London. When we went to the bridge. When we went on the London Eye. When we first hung out at Ed’s. Our first kiss in the elevator. When we went to the arcade and I beat you at that game. When you gave me a kiss on my cheek when we all hung out at my place after we went to watch a movie. When we fell asleep together that same night and I woke up with you in my arms. When I first sung to you. When I heard you sing and play guitar for the first time. When I saw you in that red dress at the club. When we had other “real” kiss. When we told each other that we had feelings for the other. When I saw you wear my jacket for the first time. When I told you about myself that next morning and you with me.

Our first date. You in that white dress. The view I had of you playing on the ledge in our spot. Playing hide-and-seek in the trees. Those great kisses we had when I took you home. Watching you sing and play on stage in front of me and then in front of everyone else. When you said ‘yes’ after I asked you to be my girlfriend. Having you back after I messed up the first time. Hearing one of the songs you wrote about me for the first time. The night I took you out on a date and had asked you to go to Paris with me.

That time I snuck into your dressing room to help you with your dress. Playing Jenga with you. Spending that first night at Ed’s with you. Waking up the next morning and humming to you to wake you up. Seeing you wearing my sweater every night we spent together that week. Making pancakes with you. When you cut my hair. When you put make-up on me (still traumatized by that). When I told you all of the things that I’ve never done with anyone but you. Even though Ed punched me for it, I still cherish the memory of when I first admitted that I loved you. That moment that I realized that you actually didn’t leave me when Ed told me that you did. When we went out for pizza since you preferred that over a fancy dinner. When we went stargazing. When I first made my ring into a necklace. When I first saw you wear it. When you gave me your bracelet. When you dropped me off at the airport.

I know that what happened after this was the start of all of the horrible things I did to you but I will apologize for that later on in this letter.

Continuing with all of the memories we shared, I remember the moment that I first saw you after we break up, seeing you in that white dress at the Brit Awards. When you had congratulated me after we received the Global Success Award. When I had told you every single thing that I loved about you. When you slept in my arms that night. When we agreed to try to be friends. When we made ice cream and fought for the whipped cream. When you heard me play the song I wrote about you and you with me. Watching you sleep after you got scared from the movie.

Seeing you after you came back from Amsterdam. Going to our spot and giving you my ring back. Chasing you into the trees when we hung out at our spot again and giving you first aid when you fell. Watching the sunset with you that same night and you falling asleep in my lap. When we had that poke war. When I took you to the London Eye again. When we went for sushi. When you went with me to get a tattoo. When I saw you wearing my shirt again that night.

Helping you find a gift for Ed in the guitar shop. When I took you out on the motorcycle for the first time. When you elbowed me in the face. When you rode my motorcycle back to my place. When you, me, my mum and Gemma talked to each other on twitter on my mum’s birthday. When you helped me set up my mum’s birthday party. When you met my family and already got along with them. When we danced that night to Last First Kiss.

I remember every kiss we shared. Every moment that I held you. Every word we said to each other. Every moment we looked into each other’s eyes and saw only pure and genuine love. Every single second we spent together.

And now, we’re here and I have no idea what’s going to happen to us. I really hope that we fix things before you leave. I guess the opportunity has already happened as you’re now reading this letter. If we somehow talked things through and we’re in a good place again, I’ll be glad and I still mean every single word in this letter.

If not, then I want you to keep this letter and hopefully it’ll always remind you of everything that happened between us. I hope it’ll remind you of the rare and beautiful love that we shared.

If we don’t end on good terms before you leave, I really do hope that eventually we see each other or at least start to keep in touch. Even though it was just for a short period of time, life without being able to talk to you, see you, was horrible. It’s one of the worst things in the world. I really hope that I don’t have to go through that again.

I just want you to know that I am absolutely, deeply, genuinely sorry for every single horrible thing that I’ve done. I know I keep apologizing for the same things over and over again and I know that I keep promising that I won’t mess up again, that I won’t hurt you anymore. But I promise that, if you give me another chance, I won’t mess it up again.

Please, give me one last chance. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I won’t make them again. I can assure you that I won’t mess it up. I know that if I had just talked to you that day that I thought that you had cheated on me, things would be completely different. I know that we would still be together and things would’ve been perfect. If I hadn’t messed up, I know for sure that I wouldn’t have let you go for any reason.

I’m sorry. I’m so deeply sorry.

And I hope that after you read this letter, you’ll do what you think is right. I hope that you’ll let me know what you think of this letter. You don’t have to. I understand if you don’t.

So the only thing I want you to do with this letter is to keep it with you. Read it any time you want to and always believe every single word written. I wish I had the chance to say all of this in person but I’ll take this if it’s all I can get.

You made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and I’m blessed to have met you and have you in my life. You’ve given me things that no one else can give to me.

Just remember that I will always remember you and what we had. I will never forget. I will always care about you. I always have and always will love you. You will always have my heart. Keep it safe.

I’ll leave you with one last quote. A quote that speaks for what I hope for us.

“Maybe one day, we’ll find that place where you and I could be together, and we’ll catch our dreams within the waves of change. So smile for me one last time and believe that we’ll meet again. Until then, I’ll be missing you.” - R.M. Drake

Love from all my heart,

Harry

I read the letter twice, the words hitting me just as hard as it did the first time I read it. I smile, cry and laugh throughout the entire letter. I had noticed that there were dried tears on the paper when I first opened it and now, my own tears mixed with Harry’s.

I notice that there's something else in the envelope. I take it out and my smile widens as i look down at the last contents. However, a hint of pain rushes through me as I allow myself to look at it longer and longer.

It's three pictures. Specifically the three pictures Harry and I took on the bridge. The one of us smiling. The one of us making silly faces. And the one of us laughing, both of us looking care-free and...happy. I remember both of us saying that that moment was when we had first begun to feel genuinely happy. That was the first time in a long time that we had real smiles on our faces. They weren't forced or half-hearted. They were real and it was because of him and him with me.

I have no idea how to feel. This letter, the ring and the pictures made me feel so many emotions. It brought back so many memories.

Each quote he wrote from the movie perfectly depicted our relationship. I’m surprised I didn’t realize it before, especially since I watched that movie 11 times.

As he listed every memory we shared together, it surprised me to know that he remembered it all. At least enough to write it all down on the paper on the spot. It shows how much he really did care and still does.

I still don’t know how I feel after reading this letter and I don’t know what to do. I know that I don’t have to decide right now but there is one thing that I do know.

I take Harry’s ring and place it around my neck, letting it fall against my chest. Just like he said, it belongs there, right by my heart. I can feel my heart beating against the ring, like it’s beating along with Harry’s.

 

***********************

 

EEEP! LOVE THIS CHAPTER! I was actually going through writer's block but I somehow made this LOL. Hope you all like it! Please let me know what you thought!

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