Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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63. Going Away Party

Lily’s POV

“It’s okay, Lily. Take your time.”

I take in a shaky breath and look over at Ed on the other side of the glass window of the studio. I look down at the lyrics in front of me, the microphone right in between.

I’ve been distracting myself these past two days, playing my guitar, going to the mall with the girls, doing whatever I can to ignore the paparazzi every time I go outside.

However, today, Ed had asked me about finishing our song. I didn’t really want to but I couldn’t bail out on Ed. He’s worked so hard on the song and he did so much for me to get this opportunity. I couldn't let it go to waste just because of some stupid drama.

I owed it to Ed. I had to finish this song for me.

That’s why I’m standing in the studio booth with a pair of headphones around my head and a microphone in front of my face.

I’m doing this for Ed. No one else.

“Are you ready?” I hear Ed’s voice through the headphones.

I nod. “Yeah.”

I can hear the familiar sound of the guitar through the headphones and I take in a deep breath to prepare myself for the song.

“'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello."
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed”

“All I know is you held the door
You'll be mine and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed.”

The music stops and I look back up at Ed.

“Good. That was good. Um…we just need to go over the first verse one more time, if that’s okay?”

I nod in response and quickly read through the first verse and I can feel my heart drop into my stomach. This is one of the parts that I’ve been hoping to avoid to sing today. But I have to push through it and this will all be finally over.

I can hear the opening strums of the guitar playing and I close my eyes and take a deep breath. For a second, I’m taken back to the moment that inspired this song and I quickly shake my head and open my eyes.

I take another deep breath.

“All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before.”

“Have you read or seen the movie ‘Dear John’?” I ask Harry.

“No, I haven’t. Why?”

“There’s a quote in the movie that I absolutely love. “No matter where it is in the sky…no matter where you are in the world…the moon is never bigger than your thumb. It's a full moon here tonight, which makes me think of you. Because, I know that no matter what I am doing or where I am, this moon will always be the same size as yours, half a world away.” I know it doesn’t seem relevant right now but it just amazes me that no matter where you are, you’re looking that the same moon as everyone else. You get to share this small moment with complete strangers but you’re all looking at the same beautiful sight. I’d like to think that the one that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with is staring up the moon with me at the same time.”

I look over at him, seeing him looking up at the moon, looking deep in thought. I don’t know what it is about this moment, this entire day with Harry but I know that I’m going to remember it forever. It was surprising to see how easy it was to get along with Harry. He’s so sweet and has such a great sense of humour that there was never an awkward moment between us.

I actually like spending time with him. I like being around him.

I can feel my skin prickling with that familiar edge of pain, slowly creeping into my body.

I think that was when I had first started to see Harry as something more than a friend of Ed’s. That was right before Harry and I had taken pictures together in front of the moon. That was the moment that we had both told each other that we had first started having feelings for the other.

The music stops and I realize that I missed my line.

I look up at Ed, my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry. Um, can we do it again?”

I can see Ed looking over at me warily, like he knows what’s happening inside my head.

However, he remains silent before he presses a button and the song starts over again.

I try my best to keep the memories locked up as I just focus on getting the words out.

“All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before.

I can feel the burning pain spreading throughout my skin.

“And all I've seen since eighteen hours ago
Is green eyes and freckles and your smile
In the--”

My voice breaks and I have to stop myself before I break down. I quickly take the headphones off of my head and run for the door.

 “Let’s take a picture,” I said, seeming to snap Harry out of his thoughts. He looks over at me, his green eyes glistening from the moonlight shining above us. A smile erupts on his face and I quickly look away to hide the blush creeping onto my cheeks.

I walk out of the studio and into an empty hallway, leaning against the wall in a far corner. I take shaky breaths, tears pooling in my eyes as I slide down the wall and sit on the floor.

That was the moment.

That was the moment that I knew that I wanted to know more about Harry. I wanted to know about his likes and dislikes, his pet peeves, his ambitions, his childhood, everything.

I had never come across the thought that Harry and I would get to where we are now. I would’ve never imagined that, in this short amount of time here in London, I had learned so much about him but, at the same time, not enough. I never thought that I would develop such strong feelings for someone in the short length of time here. I also never thought that I would experience this much pain at the same time.

Even though I wish that things had turned out differently, even though I went through so much heartache over one man, I wouldn't take back meeting him.

I hear footsteps approaching me but I just pull my knees up and bury my head in between them. I feel Ed’s presence beside me before he puts his arm around my shoulders. I lean into him and he holds me tighter.

“I’m sorry, Ed. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I tried really hard but…I couldn’t.”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have made you do that. I mean, I think we have everything we need so I apologize for making you do that. Don’t worry, the song’s done.”

I nod in response.

“Don't worry. I’ll…I’ll finish the song and put it together and you can listen to it whenever you’re ready.”

Again, I just nod in response.

“And I guess this isn’t the right time to bring this up…well, I don’t think there’s ever a good time to bring him up but…Eleanor asked me to ask you whether you wanted him…to go to your going away party tomorrow.”

I close my eyes again, feeling a heavier weight on my shoulders at Ed’s question. El has been planning this going away party for a while now but with everything’s that happened, she’s been planning it without me. I mean, it’s sweet of her to put together this party but I honestly don’t feel like socializing with everyone, especially on the night before I have to leave. And the fact that it’s my decision whether to invite Harry or not, it just adds even more stress.

Do I want Harry to be there?

I mean, I’ve been ignoring him these past two days since that day that he cornered me in the lobby. There’s been an ongoing debate going on in my head about whether I want to see Harry before I leave.

I’ve been weighing out the pros and the cons, coming to the conclusion that it’ll be better if I don’t see him. It’ll make things easier, for me at least. So, I’ve made another decision.

“No, I don’t want him there.”

**

“Thanks for throwing this party for me, El.”

I force a smile on my face, earning a genuine one from her. I’ve been trying to give off the impression that I’m having fun but I’m not. I just want to go to bed and sleep so that I can wake up and be closer to being able to go home. I even packed everything last night, that’s how much I want to go home.

“Oh, no worries. You’re part of our group now so this will be the last time that we’re all going to be together.”

I just nod.

“Oh, yeah, that reminds me! Lou heard back from the realtor and he says that we have the flat that we liked the most out of all the ones we looked at. We can start bringing our stuff in a week before school starts.”

“And you promise that I get to pay for half of it, right?”

She laughs and rolls her eyes. Louis has been trying to convince the both of us that he would pay for the rent but I refused to live in there if he does. Eleanor agreed too, saying that she wants to work hard for her things, including her living arrangements. Louis was able to have a little say in it and having one of the best realtors in finding us the best and, the most important thing that Louis wanted, the safest flat closest to our school, with security cameras and someone working at the front desk of the lobby. It was fancy-schamncy but Louis was able to get a good deal out of it.

I’m looking forward to being roommates with Eleanor. At least there’ll be someone I know when I go back to school, apart from Marcus.

“Yes, we’re both going to be paying for exactly half of the rent and any expenses.”

I lightly laugh. “Good.”

Suddenly, Louis appears beside Eleanor. “Hey, babe. We ran out of crisps.”

“Oh, there’s some more in the pantry. I’ll get it.”

She disappears into the kitchen and I’m about to say something when Louis interrupts me.

“Hey, you alright?”

I look up at Louis. “Hm? I mean, yeah, I’m fine.”

Louis just nods and takes a sip from his drink.

“So have you said goodbye to everyone yet?”

With me leaving tomorrow and almost everyone being busy as well, I’m planning on saying my goodbyes tonight. I just didn’t think that I would be doing it this early in the night.

“Um, yeah. I was actually planning on doing that tonight. So, I guess I can start with you.” I laugh as Louis puts on a playful pout. “Anyways, I’m glad to have met you this summer and I’m happy to have you as a friend now. Take care of Eleanor. If you hurt her, I won’t hesitate to find you and kick you where it hurts.”

Louis and I share a laugh before he opens his arms and hugs me. “I know, I know. I’m glad to have met you, too. And, honestly, you’re like a little sister to me now. You take care of Eleanor, too. I know she’ll be safe with you around, especially with years of experience beating up Ed. I know you’ll keep those pricks away from both you and Eleanor.”

I laugh again as I pull away. My eyes start to prickle with tears and I can see his glistening, too.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be able to handle it.”

“I’ll try to visit you guys as much as I can.”

“You better.” I lightly punch him in the arm and he retaliates by ruffling my hair.

“So, are you--”

“I’m gonna go say my goodbyes to everyone else. I’ll see you in a bit.”

I quickly turn around and head in the opposite direction. I know what Louis was going to ask. I know he was going to ask me about Harry. Most likely about whether I’m going to say goodbye to him before I leave. I thought he’d understand that the fact that I didn’t even invite him would show that I didn’t really plan on saying goodbye, let alone seeing him before I leave.

Again, it’s better this way.

I look up and the first person I see is Zayn. I walk up to him and he smiles at me when he sees me.

“Hey, Lily. You having a good time?”

I nod. “Yeah. Um, I just came here to see if I could talk to you for a sec. I’m just saying my goodbyes to everyone since you and Perrie are going to be busy tomorrow.”

He nods. “Yeah, sure.”

“So, I just wanted to say that I’m glad to have become friends with you and I’m sure that we’ll all keep in touch. Keep Perrie happy. You two are perfect for each other and I can’t imagine you two not together. I hope to see you two again soon and I’m sure we will. You guys can visit me and Eleanor anytime. And…good luck with everything.”

He pulls me in for a hug and I immediately hug him back. I can feel the ball in my throat forming as I try to hold back more tears from forming.

“You’re an amazing person, Lily. Good luck with school. I hope you get everything you want and I wish you the best. I’m glad Perrie and I have you as a friend and we will definitely keep in touch.”

We pull away and exchange smiles.

“I’m going to leave Perrie and Eleanor for last so don’t tell her anything, alright?”

“Alright.”

“I’ll see you in a bit.”

He nods before I turn around and look for everyone else. I spot Liam and I head over to him. He’s with Niall so I decide to just talk to them together.

“Hey, guys. Can I talk to you two for a second?”

“Hey, love. What’s up?” Liam asks.

“I’ve just been saying my goodbyes to everyone since I might not be able to tomorrow before I have to leave.”

Liam pouts. “What are you talking about? You’re not leaving yet. I still need a foosball rematch.”

I laugh. “We’re going to have to take a rain check on that. Next time we see each other, I promise we’ll have the rematch.”

“That’s good for Liam. He’ll have time to practice,” Niall adds.

Liam punches Niall, while Niall and I laugh.

“Anyways, I just wanted to say that I’m lucky to have you two as friends. All of you guys, you’re like brothers to me now. It’s never a dull moment when I’m around you two. I hope to keep in touch and see you two again. I’ll make sure we will. Liam, take care of Sophia. Niall, take care of Liam.”

All of us laugh before we share a group hug. As hard as I try, I can’t hold back my tears anymore. One escapes and trails down my eyes and as they hug me tighter, it gets harder and harder to hold back the rest.

“You take care of yourself, Lily,” Liam says. “Make sure you have some fun while you’re in school. Don’t hesitate to call any of us if you need someone to talk to.”

“Or if you want someone to win foosball against,” Niall adds.

I laugh.

“I’m just kidding. But yeah, what Liam said. Call us anytime. Keep in touch, okay?”

We pull away. I wipe the tears from my face and sniffle. I can see both of their eyes slightly glistening and I know that they’re trying to hold it back just like I was.

“Of course I will. If ever I need cheering up, I know exactly the two to go to.”

I give them a genuine smile and they return it with their own.

“I’ll see you guys in a bit, alright?”

They nod and I turn around and look for the girls. I’m going to be seeing Eleanor again in a bit over a week when we move into our new flat so I know it won’t be as hard to say goodbye to her.

I find Eleanor and Perrie together so I walk up to them.

“Hey, girls.”

“Hey, Lily,” Perrie says.

“Can I talk to you two for a minute? Maybe up in your room?” I ask, looking at Eleanor.

She nods. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”

She leads the way up the stairs and we head up to her room. We all sit down with me sitting the middle. I take each of their hands and look at each of them.

“El, I know we’re going to see each other in two weeks but I still wanted to let the both of you know how absolutely grateful I am to have you two in my life. I’m so grateful for you for being there for me this whole summer, through everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have you guys here with me. You two are the sweetest, most caring people I’m lucky enough to know. Perrie, you made me feel welcome the second that we met and that’s something that I admire about you. I’m going to miss you so freaking much. I wish you could go to school with Eleanor and I but I know you’re going to kiss arse when you go on tour. Don’t forget me, okay?”

Perrie laughs through tears and I lean over and wrap my arms around her.

“I’ll never forget you, babe. And you better come see me on tour.”

“Of course I will. Front row and centre.”

We pull away and exchange smiles. I give her hand a squeeze before I turn to Eleanor, who also has tears in her eyes.

“El, why are you crying?” I laugh. “We’re going to see each other again in two weeks and we’re going to school together.”

She laughs. “I know. But still…it’s still two weeks that we won’t see each other. And it’s just the fact that we’re all not going to be together anymore, you know?”

I nod in understanding. “Yeah, I know. But I still wanted to let you know that I’m forever thankful for you for being there for me. I’m glad that I had both of you here with me. I love you, guys.”

Both of them surround me in a tight hug and I wrap my arms around them tightly, tears slipping down my face. We all pull away and I wipe the moisture from my cheeks.

“Lily, I know you don’t really want to talk about it but…” Eleanor says.

I knew this was coming.

“…are you going to talk to Harry?”

“I mean, we know what he did was wrong but…he deserves a goodbye, at least,” Perrie adds.

I shake my head. “I can’t. I…I just can’t.”

I can’t explain it to them. I can’t even explain it to myself.

I can see them about to say something but I stop them.

“Can we just drop it? I…I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ll think about it…tomorrow before I go.”

They hesitantly nod their heads.

“You guys can go ahead. I just need to use the bathroom.”

We all stand up and leave the room. They head downstairs as I go into the bathroom. I face the mirror and turn on the water, waiting for it to warm up. Saying goodbye was harder than I thought it would be and I know that tomorrow, it’ll hit me harder. I’m glad that I’ll get to see Eleanor after I leave. I don’t know what I’d do if I went back to school all alone again. I know that Marcus and I are okay again but it’s nice to have a friend that’s a girl and has never hurt me.

Like I told all of them, we’ll keep in touch and we’ll try to visit each other whenever we can. I don’t ever want to lose touch with any of them. I’ve grown to care about all of them. They all hold a special place in my heart now.

There’s just one that’s vacating a much larger space than everyone else. But that same person is also the one that’s caused it so much pain.

I splash the warm water on my face, attempting to clean up the smudged up mascara under my eyes. I take a paper towel and dry my face, swiping away the last bits of mascara from my skin. I turn the tap off and I’m drying my hands when I hear a knock on the door.

“Just a second.”

I give myself one last look in the mirror before I turn and open the door, seeing Louis standing on the other side.

“Sorry, I’m done now.”

I’m about to step out into the hallway when Louis blocks my way.

“Can I talk to you?’

My heart skips a beat as I look up at him. I can see it in his eyes. It’s the same look he was giving me after we said our goodbyes and when I knew he was going to bring up a certain someone.

“We already said our goodbyes, Louis. You only get one.” I force a laugh and smile up at him, attempting to get out of this conversation. I try to move around him once again but he takes my arms and carefully pushes me back inside the bathroom, closing the door behind him and locking it.

“Lily, I need you to just hear me out, okay? I’m being completely honest here when I tell you that Harry did not ask me to tell you anything that I’m about to tell you. This is all coming from me.” He pauses, looking like he’s waiting for me to refuse to listen to him. When I remain silent, he continues.

“He’s my best mate. Seeing him the way he is these past few days…it’s hard for me. You know what it’s like. If you saw Ed like I see Harry, you wouldn’t think twice about wanting to help him, right?”

Again, I use my silence as my answer.

“I know what he did was horrible. I have a little confession to make, I knew about the contract.

My eyes widen and a hint of anger grows in my body. I open my mouth to flip him off but he interrupts me again.

“I know, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you or at least wanted Harry to tell you but Harry’s my friend and I had to do what he wanted. It wasn’t my secret to tell and it wasn’t my place to tell him what to do. Look, putting that aside, I know that was wrong but he was hurt. And he’s still hurt. And I know that if you leave without talking to him, without saying goodbye, it’ll kill him.”

I squirm in my spot and look away. Louis knows. He knows that I wasn’t planning on talking to Harry. And I know that Louis knows the consequences of that and what it’ll do to Harry. I’m aware of what it’s going to cause but I have no other choice. It’ll be better this way.

The truth is, if I talk to him, who knows what’s going to happen? Who knows what’s going to come out of my mouth? I’m scared that I’ll break and end up forgiving him. I’ll forgive him and end up wanting to take him back. I’ll take him back and end up getting hurt again.

And that’s not what I want.

“He deserves a goodbye, Lily. You know that. I know you can’t really picture yourself in his spot because I know that you would never do anything like that but…just imagine yourself where Harry is now. How would you feel if the one you love, the one that made you the happiest in the world, left without saying a simple goodbye?”

Tears well up in my eyes and I continue to avoid his gaze.

“It’s not simple, though, Louis. Nothing is simple about seeing the one that you loved, the one that made you the happiest in the world, and saying goodbye to them. It’s not the fact that I don’t want to see him. I just don’t know if I can handle it. I can’t. I don’t know if I’ll be able to take it. It’ll be easier this way. Harry and I will see each other again and hopefully, we’ll be in a better place. But right now, I don’t think I have it in me to say a proper goodbye. I’ll break, Louis. I’ll break even more than I already have.”

I finally look up at him and see the sympathy present in his features.

“If you really think that that’s the right decision, that you’re not going to regret it once you leave, then I’ll leave you alone. You may not think it’s the right decision but I really do hope that you go see him. Even if all you say is ‘goodbye’, I know that it’ll be better than if you said nothing. You said your special goodbyes to each of us, Harry deserves one, regardless of what he did. Just remember all of the wonderful things he’s done for you. Let that guide your decision.”

It’s easier said than done.

But will things be easier later on with either decision I make?

I clear my throat, Louis’ eyes never leaving mine.

“I’ll…I’ll think about it.”

I can see the wariness still present in his eyes but he gives me a small smile and nods. He’s about to turn around but he looks at me again.

“If…if you do go see him, don’t tell him that I said anything. Just let him think that it was completely your decision, alright?”

I nod. “Yeah, sure.”

He nods before he turns around and opens the door. We make our way downstairs and join the crowd of guests. The rest of the night passes by in a blur with only one thought buzzing in my head.

As the party starts to clear out, as I share another tearful goodbye to everyone, as Louis gives me a pointed look before him and Eleanor leave, as I get into Ed’s car and head back to his flat. I finally make a decision. I look over at Ed and he looks back at me with puzzlement.

“Are you okay, Lil?”

I clear my throat and look away. “Yeah. Um…”

This is it. There’s no going back. I look back up at him and take a deep breath.

“Can you drop me off at Harry’s?”

 

************************

 

Sorry for the long wait! Hopefully this chapter made up for it! Anyways, a few things to say. The next few chapters are what I've been building up for so bare with me if it may take a while for me to write them. I want to make sure that they're exactly as I've been planning for them to be. I will try to write as soon as i can but these next few parts are vital parts of the story and I need to make sure they're right.

Also, these next few chapters are going to be very emotional so I suggest you read them in the confines of your room where you can express your reactions freely without being looked at weirdly by others lol. You'll understand what I mean when you read them.

Another thing! I've kinda been waiting for the new album to be released, hoping that it'll inspire me for the rest of the story. And I'm glad that I waited for it to write the next chapters (yes, I listened to the leaked album. SORRY, not sorry, I love it). LOL anyways, I found THE perfect song that I'm going to have you guys listen to for the next chapter that perfectly represents Harry and Lily's relationship right now. If you guys have listened to the album, I'm sure you can guess which one.

Finals are coming up for me so it may take me longer than usual to write but these next few chapters are what I've been DYING to write since I planned it about halfway through the story, so I may be tempted to write even though I should be studying lol. No promises though.

If you guys want to know when I'll be updating, or if you guys just want to talk, just message me on kik, my username is livelaughlove47.

Also, follow me on twitter, I'm sometimes active on there, my username is @sheeriostyles.

Sorry for the long author's note. Just wanted to update you guys with everything.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Please vote and comment. 25 votes and 15 comments before the next chapter. Pretty pleeeeeease.

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