Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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21. Forgiveness

Lily’s POV

I glance down at my phone and see a text from Marcus. My skin crawls at the sight of his name but his message makes my heart drop.

*Can you call me? I need someone to talk to*

Of course, I was still mad and disappointed at him after our last conversation so I didn’t know what to do.

But then I get another message from him and I almost drop my phone.

*It’s my mom…*

I immediately stand up.

“I’ll be right back. I just have to make a phone call.” I don’t even bother looking at them as I make my way out to the back door. I slide the door open and step outside, closing it behind me. I sit on the patio chair and dial Marcus’ number.

He answers at the first ring. “Lily?” His voice sounds weak and he sounds tired.

“Hi, Marcus.”

I wait for him to say something. I can hear him breathing and then he sniffles.

“She’s getting worse.”

I close my eyes, trying to stop the tears.

Marcus’ mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a bit after me and Marcus met. She was doing fine at first but then it slowly started to get worse. She was a lovely woman and she treated me like one of her own children. She would always make me feel at home whenever I would stay at their place. She was one of the most selfless and most caring people I knew.

Every time I would see her, I could see her slowly getting thinner, her hair thinning and her skin would lose its colour. It tore me up inside but I knew I had to stay strong for her.

And now she’s getting worse. I can’t even imagine how much she’s suffering right now. And Marcus was an only child so he was always a mommy’s boy. He loved her more than anything and he was always there for every appointment and every single chemotherapy and radiation she went through.

No matter what me and Marcus are going through right now, I’d always be there for him through this.

“I’m so sorry, Marcus.”

He takes a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down.

“I told you to stop saying sorry, Lily. It’s not your fault.”

Every time Marcus would tell me about his mother’s worsening condition, I would always say that I was sorry. And he would always tell me to stop saying that.

“I know. I just don’t know what else to say.”

I really didn’t. What do you say to someone who is slowly losing the one that they care the most about?

“I just wish you were here. I have no one to talk to. My dad’s working two jobs now to pay for the treatments and all of my friends found out about…what I did to you and they hate me for it. I know what I did was horrible but I feel like you’re the only one who knows what I’m going through.”

My heart hurts for him. I would never wish this upon anyone, not even Marcus. He’s going through this alone and no one should have to go through that.

“Let’s just forget about what happened, okay? I’m still here for you through this. I’m still hurt by what you did but I’m forgiving you.”

Really?” he sounds hopeful and surprised.

“Yes. I mean, I would like a sincere apology but now’s not the time.”

“You’re too good for me, Lily. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I honestly thought that you would hang up on me. I promise that I will make it up to you in the most sincere way that I can. Is your offer to be friends still on the table?”

I smile. “Of course.”

I hear him sigh in relief. “Thank you, Lily. You have no idea how much that means to me. Especially right now.”

“You better be a damn good friend to me. I don’t give out seconds chances this easily.”

I hear him laugh through the phone. “I will. I will. I promise.”

A few seconds of silence pass by.

“So how is she doing?”

The atmosphere has suddenly turned from teasing to serious.

“It’s spreading and they’re saying that the radiation and chemotherapy might not work anymore. My mum doesn't want the treatments anymore because she says that it drains all of the energy from her and she just wants to live normally again. She also wants my dad to stop working so much. She said that she wants us to start spending more time together.” I hear him sniffle again. “I think she knows, Lily.”

My heart breaks. I knew what he was talking about right when he said that his mum wanted to stop taking the treatments.

“She knows that she’s going to die soon and she wants to spend what’s remaining of her time with me and my dad. I want that, too, but I don’t want to accept the fact that she’s dying,” he says.

Now, he’s crying and a lump is growing in my throat.

“I don’t want her to die, Lily.”

I take a deep breath to stop myself from crying.

“I know, Marcus. I don’t want her to die either. She doesn't deserve this and neither do you. But you just have to stay positive. Just be there for her. That’s all she wants.”

“I know. I will.”

“That’s all that you can do.”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.” He takes a few seconds to recollect himself. “She misses you by the way. I told her what I did and she was so upset with me. But she still loves you more than she loves me.”

I laugh along with him, feeling the mood lighten.

“I’ll try and visit soon.”

“You’re still at Ed’s?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m guessing he wants to beat me up, right?”

I laugh. “Maybe a little bit but I can probably do a better job than he can.”

He laughs. “You’re probably right.”

“Anyways, I have to go. But call me anytime you need to talk.”

“Alright. Thank you, Lily. I really appreciate this. I still can’t believe that you forgive me. I really am sorry for what I did and for what I said the other day. I didn’t mean any of it. I was just upset. I was upset about my mum and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“It’s okay, Marcus. I understand. But I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

“Bye, Lily.”

“Bye.”

I hang up and take a few minutes to recollect myself. I must look distraught right now and I didn’t want anyone asking questions. I pull out the camera on my phone to look at myself to make sure that I look normal. I fix my hair and get up. I head back inside and casually sit back down on the couch.

It takes me a while to remember that I still need to talk to Harry. After seeing what Marcus is going through, I know that I shouldn’t live with any more regrets. You never know when it’ll be your last day or if you’ll lose someone you care about.

I look to my side and see the seat empty. I look around and he’s nowhere in sight.

“Where’s Harry?”

“He headed home,” Liam replies.

“Oh. Why?”

He shrugs. “He said he was tired.”

I thought that we were supposed to talk. Why would he leave? And without a goodbye.

 

**

 

Harry’s POV

 

I see Lily getting another message from Marcus but I can’t read the message. I know that I shouldn’t be snooping but I can’t help it.

Why are they still talking? I thought that it was over between them.

I see her stand up from her seat and excuse herself to make a call outside. She doesn’t seem upset or angry so does that mean that they made up.

I can’t deal with this right now.

I thought that we were supposed to talk about us today. It’s almost the end of the day and she still hasn’t said one word to me.

“I’m going to head home now. I’m feeling a bit tired. I couldn’t sleep last night,” I say, standing up from my seat.

They all look up at me.

“Are you sure? You can take a nap in the guest room if you want?” Niall says.

I try to put on a smile. “It’s alright. I’ll probably crash for the rest of the night so I’ll just go home. I’ll see you guys tomorrow though.”

“Alright.” Niall nods and he heads over to me to give me a hug. I do the same with everyone else and I start to make my way to the front door.

“You’re not going to say bye to Lily?” Niall asks. I turn around and see him, Ed, Eleanor and Perrie looking at me with curious glances. Niall and Ed think that we’re still friends. Perrie and Eleanor probably think that me and Lily are still together. I know that if Lily told them what happened yesterday, they would be giving me the death glares right now.

“Um. She seems busy right now. I’ll just call her when I get home. Just tell her that I said bye.” I try to sound casual as I smile at them. I turn around and head out. I go to my car and head home.

I guess I’m just trying to delay the inevitable.

Lily is probably wanting to end things between us.

Maybe she wants to ends things between us because she wants to go back with Marcus.

I knew this was too good to be true. I thought that, for once, I was able to find the one for me. I thought that with Lily but now I’m unsure.

 

**

 

Lily’s POV

 

It’s been two days and Harry keeps ignoring me. I tried calling him and texting him but he won’t call me back. I’m starting to get worried. Did I do something?

I knew I had to do something so I decided to go to his place. I asked Eleanor to drop me off there after we hung out with Perrie at the mall. Once I get to Harry’s place, I walk up to the front door and knock.

He answers a few seconds later and his eyes widen when he looks at me.

“Lily. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

His gaze falters and he looks at the ground.

“Oh. Okay. Um…come in.” He steps to the side to let me in. I walk inside and turn around to face him.

“So…what did you want to talk about?” he asks.

My eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“What do you mean? I’ve been wanting to talk to you since two days ago but you’ve been ignoring me since then.”

“I haven’t been ignoring you.” He avoids my gaze. I can see him looking at the top of my head.

“You haven’t been returning any of my calls or texts.”

“My…my phone broke.”

“Bullshit. I saw Louis texting you today. Harry, what’s wrong?”

He finally looks at me and I see lifelessness in them.

“I want to break up.”

I feel my breath being taken out of my lungs.

“Wh--what?” I stammer in disbelief while shaking my head.

“It’s over, Lily. It’s what we both want, right?”

Tears are brimming my eyes.

“How do you know what I want?” My jaw tenses, fighting to hold back the tears.

“Well, that’s what it seems like since you were second guessing our relationship one day into it.”

I can’t believe him.

“So this is what you want?”

He stares at me with an unreadable expression.

“Yes.”

Who knew that one word could cause your world to crash down on you?

But this is my fault. Even though he’s the one doing the breaking up right now, I was the one that messed it all up. I shouldn’t have let my past get in the way.

“So you don’t want to be with me anymore?” I ask.

He looks at me before he starts shaking his head.

“No.”

I fight back the tears.

“You don’t us to be together anymore?”

He shakes his head again.

“No.”

I take a deep, shaky breath, keeping my eyes on his.

“Well, that makes one of us.”

I see worry and guilt flash in his eyes but I don’t stay to see if it goes away as I walk past him and walk out the door.

 

**

 

“I’m so sorry, Lily.” Perrie rests her hand on top of mine. Along with Eleanor, we went out for lunch. It was just yesterday that things ended between me and Harry and I needed to talk to someone about it.

So I told them everything that happened. From the night that he asked me to be his girlfriend then about my dream and how it messed everything up. I told him about the fight that we had and then what happened yesterday.

“I…I don’t know what to do. I know that I messed everything up but I didn’t think that he would break up with me.”

“It seems weird to me, too. But I guess we’ll never know. I mean, unless you talk to him about it,” Eleanor says.

“How can I talk to him when it’s obvious that he doesn't want to talk to me right now?”

“Just give it a couple of days and ask him if you guys can talk. I’m sure there was a misunderstanding somewhere as to why he would break up with you,” Perrie says.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.” I groan. Suddenly, my phone starts ringing and Marcus’ name flashes on the screen.

“Um, why is he calling you?” Perrie asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Hold on.”

I answer the phone.

“Hey, Marcus. Can I call you back in half an hour? I’m just out with some friends right now? Is everything okay?”

Yeah, everything’s fine. Just wanted to talk. But yeah, we can talk later. Just call me when you’re not busy.

“Alright, talk to you later. Bye.”

Bye.

I hang up the phone and meet a pair of scrutinizing eyes.

“Let me explain,” I say, holding up my hands in defense. “But you have to promise that you won’t say anything to anyone. Not even Zayn or Louis.”

They look at each other with curious expressions before they look back at me and nod. “We promise,” they both say.

I nod. “Alright. So Marcus called me the other day because his mum is getting sicker. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about two years ago and it’s getting worse. He needed someone to talk to and I’m the only friend that he has now. He apologized and I forgave him and we’re friends now. Just friends.” I emphasized ‘just’ when I saw them raise an eyebrow at me. I could see them relax.

“That’s horrible. Is he okay?” Perrie asks.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s hard for him but I told him to be strong and stay positive. For himself and for his mum.”

They nod at me.

“I mean, I still don’t like him for what he did to you but obviously he shouldn’t have to go through that. No one should have to go through that,” Perrie says.

I smile and roll my eyes at her. “And I wouldn’t think otherwise about your feelings towards him. But yeah, he just needs someone to talk to and his mum was special to me. I have to look past what he did to me and I need to be there for him.”

“And we’re not judging you for it. I think it’s great that you’re doing this for him,” Eleanor says.

I smile at them.

“So yeah, please keep it between us. I don’t want it going around because it’s not my story to tell.”

“Of course. We won’t tell anyone,” Perrie says.

“Thanks.”

We throw away our food and start walking along the sidewalk.

“So I should just wait a couple of days until I talk to Harry?” I ask them as I link my arms through theirs.

“Yes. I’m sure he’s taking this harder than you think,” Perrie replies.

 

**

 

It’s been two days since my lunch date with the girls and I’ve been distracting myself from thoughts of Harry. I don't know why I’m having such a hard time when we were only in a relationship for three days, and two of those days, Harry spent ignoring me.

I’ll be completely honest, I miss him.

I wish that we would at least still be friends. But with how things ended, I wasn’t sure how that would be possible.

I was heartbroken when Harry broke up with me. I never thought that he would do that. There I was, ready to tell him that I was wrong for being hesitant about our relationship and that I wanted to be with him more than anything and then he says those painful words to me.

I’m still trying to think of the reason why he would break up with me but I can’t seem to come up with anything.

I need to know or it’ll eat me up inside for the rest of my life.

 

***************

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE AND ONLY, HARRY EDWARD STYLES!!! HE'S NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE! OMG!

AND WHO ELSE LOVED THE MIDNIGHT MEMORIES MUSIC VIDEO??? IT WAS SO ADORABLE!

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