Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


110. Dork

Lily's POV


I look up with tired eyes and spot Eleanor waving to me. I manage a smile as I walk up to her, letting go of the trolley to hug her.

"Oh my gosh. I missed you so much," she says, tightening her arms around me.

"I missed you, too. I really wish you were there with me."

We pull away and El walks beside me as I start to push the trolley again.

"Me, too. So how was it?"

I instantly smile as I replay every single moment while I was in Peru with Harry and the others.

"It was honestly one of the most amazing times I've ever had. Peru was beautiful. Their concert was amazing. Seeing everyone was amazing. And being with Harry the entire time was just...perfect." I sneak a glance at her, worried that she would be upset that I had the time of my life with them and the fact that I got to see Louis. However, she's smiling back at me with no ounce of sadness in her eyes.

"I still felt guilty that you couldn't go, though. I honestly really wish you were there."

She shakes her head. "Lily, it's fine. I've been able to go on tour with them plenty of times before. I'm glad you went there, especially to make things up with Harry. I'm just glad you talked things through and that you had a fun time. We'll have another chance to go visit them together. I know it."

I return her smile before I focus ahead of me again, making sure not to run anyone over.

"I hope so. It's actually really fun. You just forget about all of your stresses, you forget about everything, really, and you just get to relax and see these wonderful places and be with your friends. I wish I could have that life all the time."

We step outdoors and head to the parking lot.

"Who knows? Maybe you will when you start making your own music and go on your own tours."

I look over at her and see her raising an eyebrow at me.

I laugh. "Maybe. It would honestly be a dream come true. And I'd hire you as my personal assistant so we'll be together all the time."

We laugh together as I finally spot El's car, or technically, Louis'. She opens the trunk and we start loading my luggage inside.

"I would be the worst personal assistant. Maybe I can just be your personal photographer. I'll follow you around everywhere and take pictures of you."

"That'll work, too."

We continue laughing as we hop inside the car.

Since it's nine at night now, we quickly get some fast food before we head straight back to the flat. I take out my phone, realizing that I haven't checked it since I had landed. I had slept through almost the entire flight after I messaged Harry that I would try to get some sleep. I hadn't woken up until everyone was already exiting the plane and with the entire process of airport security and baggage claim, as well as the jet lag and the lengthy flight, my brain was still waking up and I hadn't been able to think about anything other than going home and sleeping.

I turn on my phone and see one text from Harry.

*Call me when you get home. Hope you had a safe flight. I love you and I miss you so much xx*

I see that he sent the text shortly after I had landed and I smile slightly at the thought that Harry knew. He should already be in Chile now. It was only a three and a half hour flight. Lucky him.

I reply to his text.

*I'm with El now. We're heading home. I'll call you as soon as I get home. I love you and I miss you more <3*

I feel a slight tug in my heart. I really do miss him so much. It was just earlier this morning that I was sleeping in his lap as we waited for the storm to pass. It felt like days already. And as soon as I think about the fact that I most likely won't see him for another five weeks, I can feel the tears prickling in the corner of my eyes.

However, I hold them back, telling myself that I can be strong. I can do this. I've done it before and I can do it now.

We finally arrive at our flat and El and I bring all of my bags up. I tell her to just place them beside my bed, knowing that I don't have the energy to unpack right now. It's almost ten now and both of us have classes tomorrow. We say our good nights and El's off to her own room.

I keep Harry's sweater on but change into a pair of pajama shorts and I brush my teeth before I go straight to bed, sliding under the covers. I turn off the lights and grab my phone. Since I was only in Peru for a couple of days, I luckily didn't get used to the time difference. Even with the 13-hour flight that I slept through, I can already feel myself getting tired.

However, I know that I need to talk to Harry before I go to sleep. I need to hear his voice.

I call him and I rest it against my ear as I lie on my side and close my eyes.

I don't have to wait long as he answers right after the first ring.

"Hey, baby."

I smile. "Hi, Harry. How was your flight? Are you in Chile now?"

"Yeah, we got here a few hours ago. We're in the hotel now. We have an interview later today but our show isn't until two days from now. How was your flight?"

"It was okay. I slept the entire time so it was nice."

My smile widens when I hear him chuckle.

"That's good. So what are you doing now?"

"I'm actually in bed already. I'm still so tired and I have an early class tomorrow. I'm gonna sleep soon but I wanted to talk to you first for a bit."

"I'm sorry, baby. I know the storm messed up your whole schedule. You should've been home a few hours ago."

I yawn. "It's alright. I'm just glad I got to spend more time with you."

"Me, too."

I can hear his smile through the phone and it causes mine to widen.

"Anyways, you should sleep now. I already feel bad that you missed two days of classes to be with me. I don't want you to be too tired for tomorrow. We'll talk more tomorrow."

I yawn again. "Don't feel bad. I don't regret missing classes for you at all. I had so much fun."

"I'm glad to hear that. Hopefully, I'll be able to take you to more places."

"Me, too. Anyways, yeah, I'm gonna go sleep now. I'll text you when I'm done classes."

"Sure. Even though I have a copy of your schedule." He laughs. "Just let me know when you're done and I'll call you if I'm not busy."

"Sounds good. Good night, Harry. Or technically, have a good day."

"Good night, baby. I love you."

"I love you, Harry."

I make a kissing sound and I hear Harry laugh before I hear him do the same.

"Bye, Lily."


I press the end button and place my phone on the side table before I sink back into my bed. Even though I'm tired as hell. I close my eyes try to go to sleep, all with a smile on my face just from being able to talk to Harry.


I flinch as I wake, my alarm blaring beside my head. I blindly reach over, feeling for my phone and swipe on the screen three times until I finally turn it off. I groan as I try to open my eyes, the bright sunlight coming in from the blinds that I forgot to close last night not helping in my struggle. I move onto my back, blinking slowly until the heaviness in my eyelids subsides slightly.

I sit up slightly, resting on my elbows as I glance over at the clock on my side table.

8am but it feels like it's three in the morning. I sit up straight and stretch before I reluctantly get out of bed and start getting ready for classes. I shower, brush my teeth and do my hair and makeup before I stand in front of my closet.

Since it's day one of being away from Harry, I decide to wear his plaid shirt again. I know I wore it on my first day of class but I don't care. I love wearing it.

I grab my phone and check my messages.

Three new messages. All from Harry.

I smile as I open the first one.

*I know you're sleeping already but I just wanted to say that I miss you so much. I wish I were there right now sleeping beside you*

It was sent at around 11:30 last night, so 5:30 in the evening for him.

*I know I'll be asleep when you wake up so I just wanted to be the first one to say good morning. I hope you have a good day. Call me when you're done your classes. I love you and I miss you like crazy*

This one was sent just 30 minutes after the first text.

*I can't sleep. I miss having you beside me. Cuddling with Marshmallow isn't the same as cuddling with you. Can you please get your cute butt over here and cuddle with me?*

I smile from ear-to-ear as I read all of the messages. The last one was sent just an hour ago, meaning it was around one in the morning for him. Here I was, sleeping like a rock and Harry couldn't sleep. I really wish I were there. I hope he's sleeping now. If not, I wish I could be there to help him sleep.

I decide to leave him a little message for when he wakes up.

*I miss you more. And I wish I were there cuddling with you right now, too. I'd much rather do that than go to my classes today. Just put the shirt of mine that you stole from me on Marshmallow and spray some of my perfume on him. It might help you sleep ;) I will call you as soon as my classes are finished. I love you so much and I miss you so much it hurts :(*

Just like I did on my first day, I take a picture of my outfit as I'm blowing a kiss at the camera and send it to him.

I put my phone away and head out to the kitchen. El's class is around the same time as mine so she's already awake and eating her breakfast.

"Good morning. I made pancakes and I just made a fresh pot of coffee."

I walk over to the coffee machine.

"You're a lifesaver, Ms. Calder."

She laughs as I make my coffee. I take it over to the counter and serve myself some breakfast. I quickly eat, realizing that we need to leave soon.

"Let's go," I say with the last mouthful of food in my mouth.

El nods as she finishes her coffee and we both grab our bags and we head out. Since El finishes classes before I do, we take separate cars.

"I'll see you back at the flat," she says, waving to me over her shoulder. I wave back and then head to my class. I walk in and see Marcus sitting in our usual spots.

"Hey," I say, catching his attention as I sit beside him.

"Hey, long time, no see, skipper."

I roll my eyes as he grins at me.

"I was going to give you the gift I bought you from Peru but now I don't really want to."

He pouts and turns to face me. "I'm sorry. I meant, good morning, Lily. You're looking wonderful today. How was your trip?"

I roll my eyes again but this time, I smile as I look inside my bag. I take out the plastic bag containing his gift and hand it to him.

"You're lucky I even thought of getting you something."

He smirks at me as he opens the bag. "Yeah? You were able to find time from loving up your boyfriend to think about me?"

I narrow my eyes at him and smack his arm. "Just open it."

He chuckles as he takes out the gift.

"Wow! Thanks, Lily. This is so cool."

I had gotten him a handmade journal. It's leather-bound with intricate stitching and worn out but beautiful gold trimming. I know he loves writing just as much as I do and I know he keeps journals just like I do. I had passed by a local bookstore while walking about downtown Lima with Harry. I saw it and I knew that Marcus would love it.

We exchange smiles as he gives me a side hug.

"You're welcome. You better not annoy me anymore. At least for a day."

He chuckles and ruffles my hair.

"Alright. Fair enough. I really do love it."

My smile widens as I look at him gaze down at the journal in amazement. However, our attention is caught when the professor walks in.

I'm surprised that I actually pay attention and stay awake in class. I'm still a bit tired from yesterday so I thought that I would fall asleep at least halfway through.

However, I remind myself that I just missed two days of classes. I can't let my tiredness affect the rest of my classes for this week. Soon enough, class is over and Marcus and I have an hour to spare before our second one of the day.

"Where'd you wanna go for lunch?" Marcus asks.

"Whichever's closest. Our next class is in a hour. I don't want to be late."

We walk out of the classroom and make our way outside and towards the plaza across the street. Just as we're about to cross the road, someone calls my name.

"Lily! Hey, wait up!"

I look behind me and see Collin jogging up to us. I stop walking, letting him catch up to us before we all walk together.

Him and Marcus exchange a friendly 'hello' before he turns to me.

"Hey, long time, no see," he says. "Where were you yesterday and Monday?"

I smile, trying to hide the slight weirdness I feel at how he noticed I was gone, especially since we don't have any classes together. Maybe Leo told him?

I clear my throat. "Oh, um...I went to visit my boyfriend over the weekend in Peru. I just got back last night."

"Oh, wow. That's nice. He must've been happy to see you."

I nod. "Yeah. I had a great time."

I keep my sentences short but enough to get to the point. Thankfully, we reach the pizza shop and we all walk in and line up to get our food.

Just as I sit down with my food, my phone rings. As soon as I see Harry's name, a smile erupts on my face and I answer the call.

"Hey, Harry."

"Hey." His voice is groggy and raspy, like he'd just woken up.

"Why are you awake already?" I glance at my watch. "Shouldn't it be 5:30 in the morning for you?"

He yawns and I can't help but smile.

"Yeah, we have more interviews today and then rehearsals later. Busy day today."

"But you texted me a few hours ago. You must be tired." I frown, realizing that he must've gotten around only four hours of sleep.

"Yeah, I'll just get a coffee on my way out. I just called because I wanted to talk to you before I leave. I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to talk to you again with everything that's happening today."

"That's alright. You're a busy man."

We laugh together.

"You caught me at the right time," I continue. "I have a break right now. I'm just out for a quick lunch with Marcus and Collin."

I glance up at them but realize that they're deep in conversation about the football game yesterday. I look down at my food and take a bite.

"That's nice."

"Yeah, but I feel like a third wheel. They're talking about sports and other things that I'm not interested in."

Harry laughs as I take another bite.

"Well, I can keep you company. I wish I could actually be there but this will do."

"Thank you. Oh, and I loved your texts that you sent me. I loved waking up to them."

"I would send you a million texts every morning knowing that it makes you smile. And I loved the one you sent me, too. I may have been half awake when I read it but it still made me smile."

My smile widens but then it falls slightly when I remember what time he must've fallen asleep last night.

"Are you sure you're okay? I feel partially to blame that you couldn't sleep. I wish there was something I could do to help you."

I know that the part of the reason that he couldn't sleep was because I wasn't there. I'm sure if I wasn't so tired from the flight, I would have had trouble sleeping, too.

"Don't worry about it. I'm used to it. Plus, I like your idea about putting your shirt on Marshmallow and spraying your perfume on him. I'll try it tonight. I'm sure it'll work. I mean, it's not as good as you but I know it'll help."

"I wish I could make you feel a little bit better if I told you that I had trouble sleeping, too, but I passed out as soon as I went to bed."

I smile as I hear Harry laugh.

"I knew that you would. I also know that you probably had trouble waking up this morning even though you had a lot more sleep than I did."

It's my turn to laugh now. "You know me so well. It was hard to resist just staying in bed but I already missed two days."

"Tsk tsk. Such a bad student. Skipping classes."

I smile and roll my eyes. "Well, maybe I won't visit you on tour anymore."

"I'm joking! I'm joking! I didn't mean it! Please come see me again soon."

I dramatically sigh. "I'll have to see," I tease.

I try to keep the conversation light, especially in regards to when we'd be able to see each other, again. Like we had said, we'd most likely be able to see each other again when him and the others come here to Manchester for their show.

I have no intention to mention this so I just change the subject.

"What're you doing right now?"

"Just getting ready."

My break is almost over so I just eat the rest of my lunch as I listen to Harry get ready. Neither one of us talks too much. I eat in silence as I listen to Harry changing and brushing his teeth. I smile the entire time, especially when he slightly obnoxiously but adorably sings 'I'm Not The Only One'. Other than Harry singing, we don't say much but I still enjoy it.

"I know I'm not the only one," he sings the last line. "I better be the only one, Lily Benson."

I laugh out loud at Harry's attempt to sound intimidating, especially after that dramatic rendition of the song.

"Hmm, well, it's nothing serious but I miss Marshmallow a bit."

"Oh really? He might have to sleep out on the balcony from now on."

"Oh really?" I say, copying his tone. "Well, when you two come home next month, he might sleep on my bed beside me and you might have to sleep out on the balcony."

"I don't care where he goes but you and I both know that I won't sleep anywhere but with you."

I bite my lip to hold back my smile. "I know you won't," I say quietly. "And I know you probably know this but having you sleep beside me and waking up with you is one of the best things in the world. I would be happy if I stayed like that forever."

I don't know why I felt the need to say this. I know it just makes it worse since we can't have it but I just wanted to tell him. I want him to know how much I love sleeping with him beside me wrapped around me.

He's silent for a few seconds before I hear him sigh.

"I feel the exact same way. That's why I had trouble sleeping last night. I got so used to having you right there beside me, even though it was just two nights. It was just all so weird not having you there. I just wanted to feel you beside me. I miss you so f.ucking much."

I sigh. "I miss you, too."


I don't really know what to say. I don't want to say anything that will just make this harder for us than it already is. I just want to be with him. I love talking to him on the phone but nothing beats actually being able to touch him, feel him, look straight into his eyes.

I look down and take a deep breath, trying to hold back my tears.

"We'll see each other soon, baby."

Even through the phone, he can still tell how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. I can feel the tears building up, threatening to spill over.

"Hold on a sec, Harry."

I look up at Marcus and Collin, trying as hard as I can to keep my face straight.

"I'll see you in class, Marcus."

He nods before I turn to Collin.

"I'll see you later."

He nods, as well. I pick up my trash and turn around, throwing it out as I walk away from the table. I walk over to a tree and sit on the ground, leaning back against the trunk.

I can't hold it back anymore. A tear falls and I look down at my lap, hiding my face from the people walking by.


"Yeah," he says breathily.

I close my eyes and pull my knees up so I can rest my forehead against them.

I take a shaky breath and sniffle. "I love you. So much."

I don't even know if that's what I wanted to say. I don't even know what I wanted to say. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I miss him so much and I just want to drop everything and go back to him.

"I love you, too, baby. I love you so much. But please, don't cry. You know how much I hate it when you cry, especially since I'm not there to calm you down."

I sniffle again and wipe my tears.

"Just think of it this way," he continues. "We may not see each other for five weeks but think of how amazing it'll be when we finally see each other after all that time. I know we'd much rather see each other every day but there's nothing we can do. We just have to make the best of what we have. When we finally see each other again, we'll spend every second together, every second until we get sick of each other. I mean, I know we'd never actually get sick of each other but you get what I mean. God forbid we get into a fight, I'd still want to spend every second with you. We'd be pissed at each other and I'd most likely still follow you around like a lost puppy."

A smile breaks through my now dried up tears and I let out a quiet laugh.

"That's what I like to hear," he says. "No more crying, okay?"

My smile widens. "Okay."

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go cry in the corner."

I laugh again.

"I'm just kidding but I unfortunately do have to go."

I'm sure if we hadn't had this conversation, I'd get sad again and cry but I just keep Harry's words in my head and I keep the smile on my face.

"Okay. I have to head to my class, anyways. Have a good day today. Don't work too hard."

"I won't. I'll try to call you if I have time. If not, I'll text you when I'm done."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later. I love you."

"I love you, baby."

I hang up and I take a deep breath, letting everything sink in and realizing that I'll be okay, at least for the rest of the day. I just play Harry's words over and over again in my head as I walk to my class. Surprisingly, I'm still in a good mood and when I get a text from Harry, my mood goes up even more.

*I love you. I miss you. I love you. You're beautiful. I love you. You're amazing. I love you. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I love you. You're sexy. I love you. I'm sexy, too. I love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!*

This definitely beats all of the three other texts he sent me since last night. I know part of the reason he texted me this is because of when I got upset but knowing Harry and his cheesy-dorky side, he'd still text me this no matter what.

So, it's safe to say that a smile's been glued to my face for the rest of the day, all because of my dork that I get to call all mine.


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