Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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48. Delivering Messages

Harry’s POV

I pace back and forth in Louis and Eleanor’s living room, their heads moving as they follow my franticness.

“I’m an idiot. God, I’m such an idiot!” I run my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots in frustration. “What am I supposed to do now?”

I had filled them in on every stupid thing I did while we went out shopping and they did not hold back in scolding me for what I did. I had told them about the phone call with Lily and how lost I became when she told me that she wanted to spend time apart. I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to tell her that I was absolutely not going through with it and that I wouldn’t be able to spend another day without seeing her. I had just got her back and now she doesn't want to be around me anymore.

It’s like we broke up all over again.

However, I knew that if I had told her this, it would basically be a plea to have yet another chance. I know I messed up by doing what I did in the dressing room but I couldn’t control myself. She was right there in front of me, the scent of her perfume surrounding me in the small confines of the room, her back exposed to me from behind the unzipped dress, my lips inches away from the soft skin of her neck.

I know that I wouldn’t even be able to stop myself even if I tried once my lips had come in contact with her neck. And the fact that she had responded to my touch, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stop if my life depended on it.

But then she started crying and I knew that I messed up once again. I promised her that I would stop messing with her head but what she doesn’t know is that just being around her, not being able to hold her, messes with my head.

I know that this is all on me because I’m the one that’s in a “relationship”. I have now come to realize that all of this wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t signed that damn contract. I know that I can’t go back and change the past. All I can do now is change the future. And since I can’t break up with Ivana, all I can do is wait a whole f*cking month before the contract ends.

But I can’t wait a whole month. I can’t even wait another day.

The only other thing that can happen is for Ivana to break up with me but, like Louis said, I doubt that’ll happen. She’s an attention-seeking…girl. She loves the fame and she will do anything to get more, no matter who else suffers for it.

So what am I supposed to f*cking do?

My pacing still continues even as Louis clears his throat.

“Harry, there’s nothing you can do. Just give her the time and space that she needs right now. If you don't give her that, it’ll just push her away even more. She said so herself that it’s only for a little while. It’s not going to be for forever.”

“But I can’t even stand being away from her for a day. I’m going to go crazy, especially since I have no idea how long she needs space.”

“Why are you so hell-bent on spending every day with her? You have a girlfriend, don’t you?” Eleanor says. I can hear the defensiveness in her tone. I can tell that she’s upset with what I did to Lily. She’s protective of her, I know that but she doesn’t know the whole story. I don’t blame her for being mad at me right now. I know that her and Lily are close friends now, regardless of the fact that we’ve known each other longer.

I can see Louis give me an uncomfortable look. I know that he’s uncomfortable with the fact that he’s keeping a secret from his girlfriend but it’s my secret and it would be extremely dangerous if she found out.

The fact that her and Lily tell each other everything, along with the fact that Eleanor will do anything to protect her, I wouldn’t doubt that Eleanor would tell Lily right away once she finds out.

I can’t let that happen. If anyone’s going to tell Lily the truth, it has to come from me but I’m too much of a coward to tell her. At least not yet.

“I still care about her, Eleanor. I like spending time with her. Is that not allowed?”

I know I shouldn’t be taking my frustrations out on her, and from the slight glare I’m getting from Louis, I decide to bite my tongue.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying that if you want to spend time with her, if you want to be friends with her, then be a friend. Don’t do these stupid things that mess with her head. You can’t just kiss her or…or touch her whenever you want. That’s not what she wants or needs. Just be there for her as a friend.”

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and sitting down on the couch across from them in defeat. She’s right. If I want to spend time with her, I can’t be doing these things that will only push her away.

“I know. You’re right. But what am I supposed to do now? I didn’t say a word on the phone with her but I need to apologize. I mean, I’ll…I’ll give her the space she needs but I just need to talk to her at least once before I do that. I need to tell her that I’m sorry and that I’ll give her the space she needs. I need her to know that I’m going to try harder to be a friend for her. I won’t mess with her head anymore. I just need her to give me one more chance and this time, I won’t mess it up.”

I open my eyes and see both of them giving me sympathetic looks.

Eleanor gives me a small smile. “I’ll tell her for you, if you want.”

I think it through. I know that if I try calling her, she’ll think that I’m not giving her the space that she needs. She’ll think that I don’t care about what she wants. So I nod. “Yeah…yeah, that’s fine. I think that’s best.”

I sit up straighter in my seat. “Just, please, let her know how sorry I am and that I’ll do anything to get another chance, even…even if it means that she doesn’t want to see me for a while.”

Eleanor nods. “I will. I promise. I’ll let you know what she says.”

My body relaxes in relief. I’m content with Lily hearing me out, even if it’s through Eleanor, just as long as she knows. As long as she knows, she’ll understand that I’m still here for her as a friend.

I’m not going to mess this up again. I can’t. I’ve experienced life without her, when I broke things off with her and I spent a week pretending that I’ve moved on. That week was hell for me. Not only did I still think that she had cheated on me but I was slowly losing my mind after not being able to see her. I even had Louis fill me in on how she was whenever him and Eleanor had seen her during that time. I made sure that I brought her up casually because back then, no one knew exactly what had happened. Apart from the tabloids, all they knew was that we broke up all of a sudden and things between us were bitter.

Louis had told me that she wasn’t any better than I was and I was confused because I thought that she had gotten back together with Marcus. I couldn’t bring myself to ask Louis if he knew anything about Lily and Marcus so I just kept my distance. It was unbearable at times, not knowing how she was but I knew she would be in good hands. She had Ed and Eleanor and Perrie.

I could be another friend she could trust but I messed it up. I have to make it up to her, I just don’t know how.

“Well, Louis and I have to go to my cousin’s party so we’ll drop by Ed’s before we go there. Um…are you going to be okay?” Eleanor asks.

I nod. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m…I’ll just see if any of the other lads are free.” I stand up, their eyes following me. “I’ll see you guys later. And um…thank you.” I look between the two of them and they give me a smile and a nod.

Louis stands up and follows me to the front door. He looks behind him, making sure that Eleanor didn’t follow before he turns back to face me. “Look, don’t f*ck this up anymore, alright? Like I said, I want you back with Lily as much as you do and you doing all of this is just going to push her away more.”

I nod. “Yeah. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I just can’t control myself around her.” Suddenly, a smile forces it’s way onto my lips as I look down at the ground. “It was worse when back when we were together. I always wanted to be around her. I would always find every opportunity to be able to hold her. She somehow had this effect on me where I would always be drawn to her. Wherever she went, she pulled me with her.”

I look up, a blush heating up my cheeks as I see Louis peering at me with a sympathetic smile. “I know, Haz. I could see that when you two were together.”

My smile widens at his comment.

“That’s why I want you to try your hardest to earn her trust again. Only then can you have a chance to win her back.”

“But how about Ivana? She’s my biggest problem right now.”

He shrugs. “I’m not sure. We’ll just have to have Tom keep us updated and…I don’t know, maybe we can think of a way to get her to break up with you.”

I lightly chuckle. “You’re the only one I know who can do that. I will do anything to have her break up with me.”

He laughs. “Don’t worry. I’ll think of something. Now get out of here. We have to leave soon.”

I give him a hug before I turn around and head out. I pull out my phone, looking through my contacts before I call Niall.

The phone rings as I hop inside my car, turning it on just as Niall answers.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Niall. You busy?” I put the call on speakerphone, placing it in one of the cup holders on the centre console. I buckle my seatbelt and drive out of Louis’ driveway.

“Liam and I were gonna catch a movie tonight.”

“And you didn’t invite me?” I dramatically state, causing both of us to laugh.

“I thought you were with Lily. I called Louis this morning and he told me.”

As soon as I hear Lily’s name, my heart dropped a little bit into my chest. “Oh. Yeah, she’s busy now so now I’m all alone and bored.”

He over-exaggerates a sigh. “I guess you can come. It was supposed to be a date with just me and Liam.”

I laugh. “I’m sorry. I can ask Zayn if he wants to go with us so it’ll be a double date.”

His laugh booms through the phone. “Nah, I asked him earlier and he has plans with Perrie.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll head to your place now and pick you up.”

“Sounds good. See you soon.”

Niall hangs up. I turn on the radio, letting it drown out my thoughts.

Even though I just needed anything to distract me from thoughts of Lily, I’m glad that I’ll be with Niall and Liam. I always had fun when I was with them. Plus, I haven’t hung out with them in a while so it’ll be nice to catch up.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m just using them as a distraction so I’m going to make sure that I just focus on having fun with them.

**

Lily’s POV

I make my way up in the elevator, feeling like it’s been ages since I’ve been on it last. The doors open once I reach Ed’s floor and nervously make my way to his door. I stop in front of it and I pull out my keys but freeze in my spot. I’m not sure whether it would be okay to just let myself in after the fight that we had and the fact that I left and didn’t come back. Plus, he doesn’t know that I’m here or that I decided to come talk to him.

I put my keys back in my bag and slowly bring my hand up to the door. I take a deep breath before I knock on the door. I take a step back and clasp my hands in front of me, attempting to calm my nerves.

Will Ed still be mad at me? Will he let me talk to him? Will he shut the door in my face?

Before I can make my anxiety rise up even more, the door opens and I see Ed appear from behind it, his eyes widening once he sees me.

“Lily!” He opens the door all the way and takes a step forward so he’s right under the frame. His eyebrows scrunch in confusion. “Did you lose your keys? Why did you knock?”

I swallow my nervousness. “I…I wasn’t sure if it would be okay to come let myself in.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I just thought that, after our fight, I…I wasn’t welcome here anymore.” I look down at the ground, attempting to fight back the tears.

Even though I spent the entire day yesterday being mad at him, I had started to feel guilty about how I was acting. I should have talked to him right away.

“Are you crazy? We had a stupid fight. That doesn't mean I’m kicking you out of my flat. You know you’re always welcome here.”

I bite my lip as I look back up at him. He’s smiling at me and that alone is enough to make me walk up to him and wrap my arms around him.

“I’m sorry.”

He instantly wraps his arms around me and rests his head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, too. I realized what a prick I was for the things I said. I didn’t mean any of it.”

We pull away but stay in the embrace.

“Now get in here. We have a lot to talk about.”

**

So, I had filled Ed in about everything that had happened. Everything that happened from the last time that I was hoping to explain to him mine and Harry’s situation and everything that happened since we had our fight yesterday. He was surprisingly calm the entire time and I was starting to really hope that Ed now understands that he can’t always be there to protect me.

“So, let me get this straight. You hated Harry and then you got drunk and you two kissed - multiple times - and then you told each other you still love each other but he’s still with Ivana. And then you decided that you two would just be friends but you still do stuff that you two did back when you were together. Then you both play the songs that you wrote about each other and then Harry practically throws himself onto you in the dressing room and now you’re here because you don’t want to see him right now. Did I get everything?”

I roll my eyes at him. “When you say it like that, it sounds like some messed up soap opera. There’s more to it than how I explained it. I don’t know…” I shrug. “It’s complicated but, yeah…I just need some time away from him to think things through.”

He nods. “I get it. I do. Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been smothering you with my…protectiveness. I just hate seeing you hurt. But I thought it through since you left yesterday and I know that I would absolutely hate it if someone were like that to me, even if it was you. I’m going to try to stop. I really will.”

I smile at him. “It’s not like I want you to completely stop looking out for me. I just need you to know the boundaries. There’s a limit when it comes to you and your protectiveness but I still want you there to support me and…and still be honest with me with your opinions. I just don’t want you to force them on me when all I need from you is to hear me out. I hate fighting with you, I’ve told you that before. I don’t know what I would do if we weren’t friends anymore. ‘Friends’ isn’t even enough of a word to describe what we have. You’re like a brother to me and I would hate it if I lost you, especially over a stupid boy.”

We laugh and I can see his eyes misting, just like mine are.

“I guess it’s the fact that I see you as my little sister that I’m like this with you. You know, I don’t want to see you get hurt and when you do, all I want to do is make sure that you feel better. Of course, I would have to beat up whoever hurt you first.”

I laugh and smack him on his stomach.

“I promise, I’ll still be here for you but I’ll try to tone down my protectiveness that comes with the brother role.”

I smile and nod. “Good then I won’t be as annoyed with you anymore.”

He laughs just as his phone gets a text. He reads it before he looks up at me.

“So, you said you need time to think, right?”

I look at him with a questioning look. “Yeah?”

He smiles. “How would you like to go to Amsterdam with me this weekend? I have The Fault in Our Stars premiere to attend and it would be great if you went with me. I’m sure I can get you to go to the actual premiere with me.”

“Really?” My smile widens at the thought of actually being able to go to Amsterdam. After reading the book, I had Googled Amsterdam and fell more in love with it from the pictures. It looks absolutely beautiful there and the fact that Ed is attending the movie premiere of one of my favourite books ever, I knew I had to go.

“Really really. I mean, it’s no Paris but I know you’ll love it.”

I suddenly feel wary at the thought of someone yet again paying for my plane ticket and hotel, which I know that Ed will stubbornly insist against my protests.

“Don’t you dare worry about me paying for everything. I need to make up for being an arse yesterday. Think of it as a peace offering.

I roll my eyes and groan. “Fine.”

He smiles. “Great. We leave Friday and come back Sunday so pack enough for that time.”

I nod but then a thought makes me jump up and down on my seat. “So there’s a possibility that I’m going to meet Shailene Woodley? And Ansel Elgort? Oh my gosh, and John Green!”

His eyes widen at my excitement as he smiles. “I think I can make that happen. No promises though.”

I squeal. “I mean, it’s okay if I don’t actually meet them but I’ll get to see them at least, right? That’s good enough for me. Oh my gosh, I’m so excited.”

He looks at me like I’ve gone crazy but I don’t care. I get to go to Amsterdam. With my best friend. Meet - or at least see - movie stars and the author of the amazing book.

I know that his intention for bringing me there was get my thoughts straight but it wouldn’t hurt to have some fun at the same time.

“That means I’ll need to buy a new dress.” I groan. “I hate dress shopping. I don’t know how girls do that all the time.”

“I don't know either and I don’t want to know.” He stands up. “Just take Eleanor and Perrie with you and it’ll be more tolerable.” He makes his way to his room.

I laugh. “Yeah, I’ll probably do that.”

Suddenly, I hear a knock on the front door just as Ed disappears into the hallway.

“Lily, can you get that?”

I stand up and walk over to the door. I open it and I’m slightly surprised to see Eleanor standing on the other side.

She smiles at me. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Suddenly, I remember the excuse I gave her when I told her I had to leave the mall.

“Don’t worry. Harry told us everything. I know you’re not actually sick. I didn’t even believe you when you texted me.” She laughs. “I knew that something happened at that store. I saw it with the both of you that something was up.”

All I can do is nod, unsure of whether I had the energy to talk about this right now.

“I just dropped by to give you a message from Harry.” My heart starts to beat erratically in my chest. “Louis’ downstairs waiting in the car. We have that party to go to tonight but I promised Harry that I would talk to you.”

I’m not sure whether I’m upset over the fact that Harry has someone tell me something for him. But I find it kind of endearing that he’s respecting my wishes right now about needing time apart from him.

So I smile and open the door wider.

“What…what did he say?”

I really am curious as to what was so important to him to have Eleanor send the message to me when he had the opportunity on the phone earlier.

She takes a deep breath. “He said that he’s really sorry for what he did and that he’ll do anything to have another chance, even if it means that he has to give you the space that you want. He also said that he’ll try harder to be the friend that you need and that he’s going to try his hardest to stop messing with your head. He said he just needs one more chance and that he won’t mess it up.”

These words sent to me through Eleanor leave me hesitant and wary. Harry has said these words too many times before and I believed them every single time. He made promises but he’s never kept them. He’s asked for more chances and he’s been granted them but he always messes it up.

However, no matter how many times he messes up, I know that I’ll always end up giving him another chance, even though I know that it might lead to more hurt and pain. I don’t know what it is that makes me give him another chance that I’m not even sure he even deserves but I think it’s the fact that I just want to fix what we have and become friends again.

I always knew in my head that it wouldn’t be easy to be friends again so that’s why I find myself giving in and making a final decision.

I smile at Eleanor, who’s looking nervous and anxious.

“Tell Harry that I accept his apology but let him know that I’m not mad at him like he thinks I am. We’re both messed up right now, it wasn’t his entire fault. I’m partly to blame as well. I’ll give him another chance but let him know that we need a serious talk when I come back.”

Eleanor’s eyebrows pull together in confusion. “When you come back?”

My eyes widen. “Oh right. I’m going to Amsterdam this weekend with Ed. I think it’ll be a good opportunity to get my head straight. I come back on Sunday so I think it’ll be enough time to do that.”

“Did you want me to tell Harry that you’re going to be away?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. At least he’ll know. But yeah, just let him know that I’m not mad or upset with him. I’m more upset with myself. I just need time to think things through and when I come back, I’ll call him and we’ll talk.”

Eleanor looks relieved, a smile appearing on her face. “Good. Yeah, that’s great. I’ll let him know.” She pauses and looks at me carefully. “Look, I still don’t know the whole story and I don’t know what’s happened lately but I just want you two to be happy. Harry seems really beat up lately and I don’t know why. You might know and I don’t need to know but I know that regardless of what I’ve seen lately, I know that you two are happier when you’re together. Not together in a relationship but together…just being around each other. I really hope that you two work it out. So I’ll make sure that he gets your message and try to cheer him up. He was beating himself so much when we got back from the mall.”

Guilt washes over me. “I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. He understands why…why I ran away. But yeah, can you please just let him know what I said? Tell him that everything will be okay. I just need to think things through and then we’ll talk when I come back.”

She smiles and nods. “I will.” She takes a step forward and gives me a hug that I return. “Have fun in Amsterdam. Take the break that you need and I’ll see you when you get back.”

We pull away. “What are you talking about? I don’t leave until Friday and I need you and Perrie to help me pick out a new dress.”

I laugh as Eleanor’s eyes brighten.

“Okay! Yeah, just let me know when!”

“I will.”

“Alright. Well, I should go. Louis’ waiting. I’ll talk to you later, alright.”

“Yeah. See you.”

We exchange smiles before she turns and walks away. I close the door and take a deep breath. This was the last thing that I was expecting to happen. I was expecting Harry to be bombarding my phone with texts and phone calls. But he’s surprised me. He is really going to try to be better in just being friends and not messing with my head. I told him that I needed time to think and he’s giving me that.

I smile at his gesture of having Eleanor deliver a message to me. It seems more personal. I know that if he had texted me what Eleanor had told me, I would’ve been slightly annoyed because I would’ve thought that Harry wasn’t listening to me.

I even fight the urge to text him right now to tell him how much I appreciate him respecting my wishes but that would just defeat the purpose of what I said that I wanted and it would make Harry’s gesture seem less endearing. I can tell that he’s trying and if I text him or talk to him on the phone, it’ll seem like I don’t appreciate what he’s doing.

Suddenly, Ed appears from the hallway.

“Who was that?”

I blink and shake my head, clearing my thoughts. “It was Eleanor, she just needed to tell me something.”

I can see him contemplating whether to ask further questions but he just turns around and makes his way to the kitchen.

“I’ve starved myself since you left. Make me a sandwich.”

I laugh and follow him.

“Excuse me? You want to ask more nicely?”

I sit at the counter as he opens the fridge.

“Make me a sandwich, woman.”

 

I gasp and grab the oven mitt in front of me, throwing it at his head.

 

************************

 

I know this chapter wasn't really that exciting but it's kind of a filler chapter. I kind of want to build up for the next exciting part. It won't be for a while but I promise that the wait will be worth it :)

Anyways, please let me know what you thought. What do you think is going to happen next.

I LOOOOOOVED your comments from the previous chapter. Like i said, long comments motivate me to write and your lovely comments made me write faster than I would have ;)

So please, more comments about the chapter or any part of the story and not just comments saying 'update' and it'll motivate me to write more! :)

15 more likes and 10 comments before I post the next part! Thanks for reading! :) <3

And in honour of Lily and Ed making up, go and listen to his new album! It's absolutely amazing. One, Photograph, Tenerife Sea and Thinking Out Loud are my favourites! And hint-hint, one of them may be a future song in this story ;)

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