Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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127. Decisions

Lily's POV

Ever since last night and this entire day today, I've been going in circles about how I need to handle every single thing that's happened this past stressful week. I've been going back and forth between many different solutions, each single one having its pros and cons.

After my breakdown yesterday, I knew that it would only get worse if I don't do anything about it. I have to do something or I'll lose my mind.

I've thought it through, losing my sleep over it, getting distracted by it during all of my classes, even when I went out for dinner with everyone and I plastered a fake smile on my face. I knew I still didn't have the right mindset to do any schoolwork so I didn't even bother when I got home.

I've thought it through and I've finally come to a decision. I've made a decision and all I can do now is wait for Harry to get here.

El left to spend time with Louis in London so I'm left all alone.

As I sit here waiting, I find myself questioning whether I'm making the right decision. I find myself thinking about anything else that I can do that will work but as I think about it on the long run, I know that it'll just make things worse.

I have to do this. I have to stay with my decision. It'll be better for the both of us.

Harry has his last London show tonight and then he's going to take a private jet here to Manchester. It's only an hour flight so he should be landing soon since it's almost midnight. I wait in the living room, right by the front door.

He said that he'd just get someone to drive him here from the airport so that I wouldn't have to pick him up.

I was relieved. Waiting here for him will be better than letting my decision pan out at the airport.

I sit on the couch in complete silence. I turn on the TV to try and distract myself from talking myself out of what I'm about to do but it doesn't work. It's like my conscience is screaming at me, telling me that I'm about to make a horrible decision.

I turn the volume as loud as I can handle, trying to get it to drown out my thoughts. It's so loud that I almost didn't hear the knock on the door. My heart starts to pound and my stomach drops.

I lower the volume before I turn it off and stand up. As I make my way to the door, I take a deep breath and force yet another smile on my face. I take one more breath as I lay my hand on the doorknob.

I know I can't prolong it any longer so I open the door and look up at the one face that I've been longing, as well as nervous, to see. My smile becomes a little bit more genuine when I look up at him smiling down at me. When he steps forward and wraps his arms around me, I immediately close my eyes, trying to hold back my tears.

However, the longer he hugs me, a sniffle escapes, causing Harry to pull back and look at me with worried eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?"

I fake a smile and shake my head. "Nothing. I...I'm just happy to see you."

I release a breathy laugh as I wipe my eyes, seeing Harry look at me with concern. I know that I need to do this now. I can't delay it any longer. It'll only get harder if I keep avoiding it.

I clear my throat. "Can we talk?"

My voice is unusually squeaky, knowing that I only sound like this when I'm nervous. I can tell that Harry can sense it because a look of nervousness washes over his face. He's probably confused as to why I'm not excited to see him.

However, he just nods and follows me inside the living room. I sit down on the couch and he sits down beside me.

Just do this, Lily. You can do it.

I take a deep breath and look over at him, struggling to do so.

"Harry...I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and...I need you to listen to everything I have to say first, okay?"

I can see the worry growing in his eyes, like he's thinking the worst. He gives a jerky nod, keeping his gaze on mine.

"I've been doing a lot of think these past few days and...I've just been so overwhelmed with school and...so many other things and...I think...I think I just need a little bit of a break."

Harry's face pales, his eyes darting back and forth between mine, confusion and fear appearing in his features.

"What...what do you mean?"

I can already feel myself getting more and more nervous.

"I mean, I've just been so stressed lately and...I think that I'll only have time to focus on school right now so I think it'll be best if I take a break...from us."

I can literally see the pain flashing in Harry's eyes as fear fills the rest of his features. I knew he would react this way so I decide to quickly explain further.

"I'm not breaking up with you, Harry," I continue. "I just...I need a break from everything, especially since we've been having issues lately. I barely have time for myself. I'd feel horrible if I neglected you even though I don't want to."

He looks at me with slight confusion but fear is still the most prominent emotion on his face.

"So...so what you're saying is that you don't have time for me? That you don't want to worry about me? Wh...What the hell are you even saying right now?"

I know he must be having a hard time grasping what I'm saying. I've felt the exact same ever since yesterday.

"You know it's not like that, Harry. Like I said, I'm just overwhelmed and stressed. I just...I just think that it'll be better for me if I have less things to worry about while I go through school."

I tried to explain it in a way that won't offend him but this is the best way I can to get to the point of why I'm doing this.

He looks at me in confusion, like he doesn't believe what I'm saying.

"And what do these 'things' that you're worrying about have to do with school? You seriously need a break from us because of school? All I'm going to do is support you and help you in any way that I can."

I can already feel my heart breaking a little bit, just like I knew it would.

"That's the thing, Harry. School isn't just school. It's stressful. It's time-consuming."

"And how long are you wanting this...this break?" He starts to look lost, like he doesn't know exactly what's happening.

I shrug slightly. "At least until this semester is done."

His eyebrows rise and he takes in a sharp breath. "And you don't think you have time for me at all?"

He says it more as a statement than a question, surely trying to understand it himself.

I stay silent, not knowing the exact answer but also not wanting to hurt his feelings if I do give him an answer.

I watch as he observes me, his gaze sweeping across my entire face.

"Is there something else that you're not telling me?"

My heart starts to pound in my chest, like he's caught me doing something I shouldn't have done. I immediately go through every single thing that has happened this past week, Collin, what he had confessed to me, the rumours, the hate, the stress.

I know that I should just avoid all of this and just talk to Harry about it all but I have no idea what it'd bring us. I don't know whether it'd just bring us more fights. I don't know whether it'd just end up being worse and we'd actually break up.

I don't want that. That's the last thing I want to happen. That's why I think that this is the best for us to do. With the stress from school, I know that any arguments we could possibly have will just be a hundred times worse than it should be.

This is what's best for us on the long run.

I shake my head slowly, my gaze faltering slightly. "It's nothing you need to worry about. It's nothing."

"Of course I do. I'm your boyfriend. I'm supposed to worry about you."

"It's nothing, Harry."

"What about being honest with each other? We're supposed to tell each other everything."

I scoff, shaking my head in disbelief. "Don't talk to me about honesty. You lied to me for two months and you're talking to me about honesty?"

I can tell that I've gotten to him but I can also see the impatience growing in his features.

"Tell me right now or I won't agree to this stupid break."

I knew he would get to his point eventually and just like I anticipated, I grow frustrated.

"You know what? Fine. Other than the fact that my boyfriend lied to me for two months, people think that I'm a two-timing slut. Your fans think I'm shoving it in their faces that I'm with you. They think that I'm using you for your money. They tell me to kill myself just for being your girlfriend." I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes but I force myself to continue. "How about the fact that you forgot our two-month anniversary yesterday? Or the fact that the bodyguard that you hired for me just confessed to me that he likes me."

I was going to leave out the last part to spare his feeing but he wanted honesty? He got it.

Anger grows in Harry's eyes, just like I knew it would. With my growing frustration, I interrupt him, not letting him get in a word.

"What? Are you going to get jealous again? Are you going to hire a bodyguard to keep Collin away from me now? Another thing to add is the fact that you still don't trust around other guys. And the fact that you feel the need to lie to me for the benefit of yourself. How was the whole bodyguard in any benefit to me? What was I supposed to get out of it?"

Harry stays silent this time, surely taken aback by my accusations. I know they were low blows but he needs to know exactly how I feel about it.

"I know I just threw a lot on you but this is what I mean. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. I honestly don't have the time and energy. It'll be best for the both of us to just...put it away for now and deal with it when we're able to work through it all properly."

"So you're saying that you don't want to deal with our problems right now? That it's not that important for you right now? That you'd rather put it off instead of working on it? What the hell am I supposed to during this break instead? Twiddle my thumbs while I wait for you to finally have time for me?"

"I don't know what you're supposed to do. I just hope you understand why I'm doing this. We're not breaking up, Harry. I want you to really understand that. This break doesn't mean I'm going to be doing anything with anybody else. I just think this is the best for the both of us right now."

"The thing is, I don't understand why you're doing this, Lily. I'm not just some dog you can throw out on the street when it's convenient for you."

I narrow my eyes slightly at him. "I know that! But this is the best thing I can think of without actually breaking up with you!"

"You'd seriously break up with me for this? Over the whole Collin thing? I told you that I was just trying to protect you!"

Of course that's what he thinks I'm most worried about.

"But I don't need protecting, Harry! What part of that don't you still understand? I'm an adult, Harry. I can protect myself!"

"Oh yeah? And what happened at that one party? If Collin hadn't been there because of me, that night could've ended much worse."

I feel my heart drop at his words. I get flashbacks of that night and that causes the tears to finally fall down my cheeks.

"You're an asshole. I can't believe you would say that."

He knows how much of a touchy subject that night is for me. I can't believe he would bring it up like that.

I can see the guilt in his face but it doesn't lessen the effect his words had on me.

He takes a deep breath. "Lily, we don't need to take a break. I want to work on these things with you. I'm sorry that I forgot our anniversary. I was just so busy yesterday. And...and I want to talk to you about the...the rumours and the hate that you're getting. It's only going to make it worse if you don't talk about it. You need to talk about it and I'm here to listen. The last thing we need is a break."

I shake my head, not letting his reasoning completely convince me to change my mind. "No, Harry. Look at us. We're already fighting about Collin. I know it's only going to be much worse if we talk about it even more. And I know we'll fight if we talk about everything else. What's going to happen, Harry? You honestly think we can work out all our issues this weekend before you have to leave again. What if things just end up being worse? I know us, Harry. I know it's not going to be peaceful and I know it's not going to quick and easy. With me being in school and you being on tour, I honestly don't think this is the right time for us to be working on our issues."

I can see him thinking it through in his head, knowing that he's getting frustrated with my firm stand on this issue.

"So this is what you really want? How long exactly do you want this break to last?"

"At least until this semester is over. As soon as it's done, we'll talk."

"Oh, so I'm not even allowed to talk to you during this break?" he asks in growing frustration. "Do you know how fucking selfish that is? How about what I want? You don't even give a shit about what I want!"

"I always give you what you want! All those chances you wanted me to give you, I gave them to you! You wanted me to be honest with you, I was honest with you."

"And you're saying you regret them, the chances you gave me?"

I groan in frustration, roughly running my hands through my hair. "Of course not! Stop putting words in my mouth! I'm just saying that you should be calling me selfish for wanting this. I want this for me, okay? But if that makes me selfish, then I'll accept that."

"So you really don't want anything to do with me? It'll be like we're not even together? We're not allowed to talk to each other? Or see each other? Have you thought about how this is all going to make me feel? How do you think this will affect our relationship?"

I can feel guilt filling my body. This is the downside of taking a break. I know it'll hurt Harry but I told myself that it'll be better than possibly us breaking up for good. I hope he understands that when all of this is over.

"I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen to us during this break. But I just thought that, with you travelling, it'll be easier than we think. Even if you weren't, I know that I'd just be too busy with school. Look, Harry, I don't want to hurt you. It may seem like I am but I honestly think this is the best thing for us to do right now."

"Look, Lily, do you want to take this break just to put off working on our issues or do you completely want to cut all ties with me?"

"I...I don't know."

Actually, I kind of do know. I've thought it through and I came to the conclusion that it'd be better if I take a break from everything. I know it'd be best but I hate knowing that it'd hurt him.

I look at him and see him looking defeated, like he knows what's going to really happen.

"No, I think you do know. You honestly don't even care how this is going to make me feel. You don't care how hard this is going to be for me."

My eyes start to well up again. "I'm sorry, Harry."

He takes a shaky breath. "What does this break mean? What exactly is going to happen between us?"

I look down at my hands, not knowing if I want to see his reaction.

"It means...we just focus on ourselves. I'll focus on school and you can focus on your career. I...I think it'll be easier if we don't see each other or...or talk to each other. I...I need you to understand that I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it'd be the best for us. I love you, Harry. I love you more than anything. I'm doing this because I love you."

He slowly shakes his head. "You wouldn't do this if you truly loved me. I want to be there for you, Lily. I promised you that. I...I can't go without talking to you for that long, let alone one day. I don't think I'll be able to do this."

He looks at me expectantly and I can feel myself breaking under his gaze. Knowing that just looking into his eyes is enough to completely break me, I look away and take a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry, Harry," I say weakly.

Silence fills the room but I can feel the tension amplified as each seconds passes. I wipe my eyes and look back up at him, seeing him with his gaze still locked on me.

Just like mine is doing, I can see his eyes starting to water. "This is what you want?" His voice breaks and it only breaks my heart even more.

I sweep my eyes across his face, the realization that this break means that I won't be able to see this face for weeks hitting me hard. That fact almost makes me want to take it all back. I couldn't handle going the five weeks while he was in South America. How am I even thinking about being the reason that we won't be seeing each other again for a while?

Before I can convince myself to change my mind, I take a deep breath and nod.

"Yes, Harry. This...this is what I want."

I feel my heart tug in my chest when a tear rushes down his face. He sniffles as he nods and looks away, causing more tears to fall down his cheeks.

Without another word, he stands up and rushes to the front door. He harshly grabs his bag from the floor and opens the door before slamming it closed behind him. I flinch at the loud sound and that's when I start to cry harder.

I keep telling myself that this is the best for us. I'm doing this because I don't want us to break up for good. And from what had just went down right now, I know I've made the right decision. If this is what happens just talking about one of our problems, I can't even imagine how it'd all go down if we talked about everything.

I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do.

Harry will understand this eventually, maybe even when this is all over and we're finally able to talk about it.

I look up at the door and a part of me wishes that Harry will come back and barge in, telling me that I'm stupid and that he won't spend one second "taking a break". A part of me wishes that we didn't have to do this but we have to.

I didn't come to this decision easily. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was the right thing to do. I did this because I love Harry. I did this for us.

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:( :( :( :( :(

Hily </4

Please let me know what you thought/if you hate me for doing this/what you think is going to happen on their break.

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