Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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38. Confessions

Harry’s POV

Lily makes no move to get up. She just stays motionless on the ground.

I crouch down beside her and I reach my hand out hesitantly.

“Lily, get up.”

I nudge her shoulder, feeling electricity shoot from my hand to the rest of my body. This is the first time I’ve touched her skin since I hugged her at the airport before I left for Paris. It feels so long ago.

She groans. “No, just leave me here,” she slurs.

I smile at her drunken state and I find myself taking my hand and brushing her hair out of her face and behind her ear. My hand stops abruptly when I see her looking up at me. My heart strains in my chest at the sadness in her eyes.

I rip my gaze away from her face and grab her arm, pulling her to lie down on her back.

“Come on, let’s get you to the couch.”

I take my other hand and place it behind her shoulder to pull her up into a sitting position. She puts her arms around my neck and I take one of my arms and wrap it around her waist and pull her up.

She must’ve had too much to drink because she wobbles as she attempts to walk.

“Alright, up you go.”

She gasps when I pick her up bridal style, tightening her grip around my neck. I lead her to the couch and carefully set her down.

“I’ll get you some water,” I mutter, avoiding eye contact with her but I can feel her eyes on me. I go into the kitchen and grab her a glass before going to the sink and filling it up with water. Once it’s finished, I turn off the tap. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for when I go back out there.

It was a shock to see her appear at my door - well, technically, stumbled at my door. She’s wasted so I have no idea what her intention to come here is.

I finally force myself to turn around and head back to the living room.

“Here’s some--”

I look up at her and see that she’s clutching a throw pillow to her chest and her eyes are closed, not knowing whether she’s asleep or not. I place the glass on the table and carefully sit beside her.

“Lily?” I whisper.

No response or movement.

“Lily,” I say a little bit louder. “You should drink some water.”

I see her eyes flutter open and she takes a deep breath. She slowly sits up straight and I grab the glass and hand it to her. She drinks it quickly before she places it back on the table.

I sit forward, staring at the table. “What are you doing here, Lily?”

I’m trying to keep my hard façade on. I’m still irritated from what happened at the after party. There’s a reason that I left, I didn’t want to see her anymore, especially as she flirted with one of my friends.

I realize that she didn’t reply so I look over at her and see her looking at me with the same sadness in her eyes.

She takes in a shaky breath and starts to stand up. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave.”

I panic as she stands up. My hand has a mind of its own as it shoots out and grabs her wrist. She flinches at my touch and stares at it before her eyes trail to meet mine.

“I…I didn’t mean it like that. I just…”

She’s still staring at me and I can see her bottom lip quivering.

“Sit, please.”

She hesitates before she slowly sits back down. I let go of her hand and take a deep breath.

“I just don’t understand why you’re here.”

She gulps. “I…I wanted to talk. I’ve actually wanted to talk to you since the after party but…”

She doesn't finish her sentence and I decide to finish it for her, hoping to let her know how her actions made me feel.

“But you got caught up with Ashton.”

I look back at her and see her narrowing her eyes at me.

Here we go. I knew this is where this was going to end up.

“No. Your girlfriend wouldn’t let me have the chance to talk to you.”

I laugh humourlessly and shake my head. “You could’ve just asked me to talk to you.”

“Yeah, well, I was going to but you were too busy shoving your tongue down her throat.”

I can hear the disgust in her tone. I don’t know whether to feel guilty about the real reason why I kissed Ivana at the club or to feel good about it for how it made Lily feel.

“No, you were too busy throwing yourself onto Ashton, who you just met that day.”

She stands up and sways. I almost reach out and steady her but I stop myself.

“I was not throwing myself onto him. We were just having a good time.”

I decide to stand up, too, not letting her have the upper hand by being taller than me. I move to the other side of the room and face her.

“So you touch every guy’s leg when you want to have a good time with them. Cause I don’t think I’ve seen you do that with any other guy.”

“Look, this has nothing to do with Ashton. I couldn’t really hang around you guys because your girlfriend seems to hate me for no reason and…” She looks away. “I didn’t think you wanted me around you…so I didn’t want to be at the club by myself so Ashton was nice enough to stay with me.”

I never realized that and I immediately feel guilty but I have no intention of showing it.

“She doesn’t hate you.”

She crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow at me. “Oh really? So someone who gives me the death glare for no reason means that she likes me. Well, then I guess I have more friends that I thought.”

“Look, this has nothing to do with Ivana either. Why are you here? What could you possibly want to talk about?”

I see pain shoot through her eyes but it quickly disappears and is replaced with hostility.

“Are you here to throw it in my face that you’re back with Marcus?”

Surprise fills her features and I know that I’ve caught her off guard.

“Don’t worry, I know all about it. You’ve moved on, I get it. And don’t worry, I’ve moved on, too.”

Tears build up in her eyes at my ruthlessness but my emotions are taking over and I can’t seem to stop words from coming out of my mouth.

She wraps her arms around her body and she sniffles, causing my heart to strain in my chest.

“Actually…” she whispers, finally breaking the silence. She laughs humourlessly. “Well, actually it doesn't even matter now cause you’ve moved on but I wanted tell you something because you deserve to know.”

Her words are starting to freak me out but I find myself anticipating them.

She locks her gaze with mine. “I didn’t cheat on you, Harry.”

She’s lying.

There are pictures. I’m about to bring it up but she interrupts me.

“The reason that I couldn’t go to Paris anymore and you saw those pictures with me and Marcus is because I went to his mum’s funeral.”

It still doesn’t explain why they were hugging and kissing and why she couldn’t have just told me that before.

I sigh. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

She sniffles again. “I…I was scared that you were going to get upset and…break up with me.”

“I wouldn’t--”

“Yes, you would’ve!” she interrupts. “You broke up with me when you saw me texting him, so I thought that you would’ve done the same thing since I couldn’t go to Paris anymore so I could go to his mum’s funeral.”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. “Lily. First of all, if you had just explained to me the situation between you and Marcus and the fact that you were going to his mum’s funeral, I would’ve understood.” I stare at her as she looks at me with wild eyes. “I really would have. And second of all, when I broke up with you back then, we were in a rough patch, I thought you didn’t want to be with me so that’s why I broke up with you. But now, what we have - what we had - was perfect. Our relationship was stronger than ever and I thought we had it. But you kept it from me and I had to see those pictures and of course it was going to make me think something of it.”

Tears are running down her face now.

“You should’ve told me.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was just scared to lose you.”

“But you had me, Lily! I thought you knew that when I told you that I loved you!”

 I find myself raising my voice, but it’s not out of anger, it’s to show her how her doubts got the better of her. She had me. She shouldn’t have felt the need to lie to me in fear that she was going to lose me. She had me as long as she wanted me. And I wanted to yell these thoughts out to her but I was scared that I was going to break down and cry in front of her.

“You…you don’t love me anymore?” she whispers, her voice breaking at the last word.

I look away, unable to look at the pain and sadness in her eyes. “I don’t know, Lily. It’s complicated now.”

“You’ve moved on, like you said. You’re happy with her, aren’t you?”

I remain silent. I can’t let her know of the irrational decision that I made.

She takes a deep, shaky breath. “I…I just came here to let you know that I didn’t cheat on you. Those pictures…it’s not what it looks like. He was crying in that one picture and I was just trying to comfort him. And the other picture, I had just given him a kiss on the cheek. I promise you that I didn’t cheat on you.”

I just nod. I know where she’s going with this.

“Is that why you did what you did? You thought I cheated on you so you decided to do the same thing to me and then break up with me without talking to me.”

I snap my eyes at her but she’s looking back at me with the same amount of menace. “You expect me to come talk to you about it when you couldn’t do that yourself? Yeah, I did that but only because I was hurt. Okay, you didn’t cheat on me but you still lied to me, you kept things from me. What was I supposed to think?!”

“You’re supposed to trust me! I told you multiple times that I would never cheat on you!”

I run my hand through my hair roughly and pull at the ends. “How can I trust you when you keep things from me?!” I’m yelling now, frustrated by her hypocrisy. “You don’t get it, do you? You need to talk to me about things like that if you expect me to trust you!”

I know I’ve shut her up as she realizes what I’m trying to say but then a fire grows in her eyes.

“Yes, I lied to you! And yes, I should’ve told you from the beginning and I take full responsibility for my mistake. I admit it, I made a mistake!” She throws her hands up through the air. “But don’t stand there and act like what you did isn’t as bad as what I did! Don't act like what you did was justifiable just because I messed up! What made you decide that it was okay to do what you did? Why did you do it?” I can tell that she’s emotionally drained right now, and so am I.

“I didn’t know how else to handle it. I was hurt and…and I wanted you to feel the same amount of pain that I was feeling.”

She’s right though. I can’t stand here and act like she’s the only one that messed up here. I know it’s not a great excuse but my actions were caused by what she did.

I feel like I should be admitting to my mistakes but then I’d have to explain how much of a coward I was for what I did so I decide to change the focus back on her.

I know. I’m a horrible person.

“This all could’ve been avoided if you had just been honest with me from the beginning.”

She looks at me with confusion and irritation. “Except for the Paris thing, I have been honest with you. What are you talking about?”

I raise an eyebrow at her. “Oh really? And what about that time that Marcus texted you to call him about a week ago? You kept that from me.”

“What text are you talking about?”

I knew I would be admitting that I had snooped into her phone but she just said that she has been honest with me about everything except the Paris thing but here she is now, lying about talking to Marcus.

“When you were in the shower once, you got a call from Marcus and then he texted you asking you to call him back. You had said that you weren’t talking to him anymore, that he had just called you that one time to ask for his things back. Why was he calling you?”

She’s looking at me with disbelief.

“You went through my phone?” she said, disbelief written all over her face. “And you kept it from me? Why didn’t I see that call or text?”

“Because I deleted it!”

“Why the hell did you do that?” she spits.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were talking to him?” I asked, avoiding her question.

“Because I knew that you would act like this!” she holds out her hands in front of her, gesturing to me.

“I wouldn’t have acted like this then. I’m only like this right now because you’re still lying about it!”

“There is nothing going on between me and Marcus,” she says slowly, like she’s tired of saying it. “He just needed someone to talk to because his mum was dying. He doesn’t have any brothers or sisters and his friends all left him after he cheated on me. He didn’t have any one else to talk to.”

I run my hands through my hair again and groan. “Why didn’t you just tell me that back then? If you had just told me that, I would’ve been okay with it. I wouldn’t have broken up with you because of that.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I messed up and I wish I could take it back.”

There was one more thing that I needed to clear up and again, I would need to admit to something that she’s going to be angry about.

“There’s nothing else that you want to explain between you and Marcus?”

She’s looking at me with confusion again. “What…no. I told you, there’s nothing going on between us.”

It’s now or never.

“Then what’s that song that you wrote about him? When I Look At You?”

Her eyes widen before it’s filled with confusion and curiousity.

“How do you know about that song?”

How else could I know?

“I saw it in your journal.”

Now her eyes show disbelief and disappointment.

“You read my journal? You know that my journal is personal and I don’t let anyone read it,” she says breathlessly. “Why did you have it in the first place?”

“You left it at my place that day that you went over before I left for Paris. Since I thought you were still going, I brought it with me so that I could give it to you when you got there. But that doesn’t even matter. You say there’s nothing going on between you two but then I see you wrote a song about him. And I know that it’s a new song because it said that you wrote it two weeks ago, when we were still together!”

She’s gritting her teeth, her eyes burning with a fire I’ve never seen before.

“Here you go accusing me of things again. That song wasn’t about Marcus. Yes, it was for him but it wasn’t about him. I wrote it about him and his mum, mostly about his mum. Why the hell would I write a song about Marcus when we were together?”

I keep my mouth shut. I know I’ve messed up big time now and there’s no way out of this.

And again, I tried to think of something to say to put the blame on her.

“Maybe because I have to compete with someone who you were with for two years, someone you were in love with and thought you were going to live with for the rest of your life. I know we’ve only been together for a few weeks but I felt like you were never going to feel that way about me. I confessed my love for you and you don’t even feel the same way about me!”

“But I do love you!”

My heart jumps in my throat and I take a step back. Lily eyes widen and she claps her hand over her mouth but she’s already said it.

I start to stutter for words until I finally comprehend what she just confessed.

“You…you love me?”

She slowly lowers her hand but she’s starting to tear up again.

“I did,” she says while nodding. “I was going to tell you when I saw you in New York. I realized it after I came back from the funeral. I thought about how I would feel if I lost you or if you left me without saying goodbye. And when I played that song for Marcus’ mum during the funeral, all I could think about was you because I wouldn’t have been up there if it weren’t for you. All of those things and every other wonderful thing you did for me, it made me realize that I loved you.”

I realize that she keeps saying it in the past tense.

“You don’t anymore?” My voice breaks at the end of my sentence and finally, tears are starting to well in my eyes.

She bites her lip to stop it from shaking and I can see her looking intently into my eyes, neither of us breaking the gaze.

“I do. Or I did…I don’t know.” She looks away. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve moved on and you have someone else now. We don’t work, Harry. We’re both insecure about our relationship. I will always be in fear of losing you because I don’t think I’m good enough for you. And you will always lack trust in my faithfulness. We weren’t meant for each other. So you can forget about me now. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” Her eyes are completely blank and emotionless now. “And congratulations. You got what you wanted. You hurt me in the worst way possible, you hurt me in the only way that you promised that you never would.”

Her words are cutting deep into my heart, sending pain throughout my entire body.

“Lily--”

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore. And I’d prefer if we didn’t speak to each other either. I…I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”

I’m starting to lose my breath, feeling a huge weight crushing my lungs.

She starts to walk up to me and she brings her hand up to her neck until I see the necklace still around it.

My ring.

She never took it off. Why didn’t I notice it today?

She takes the necklace off and holds it out in front of her once she’s standing right in front of me. I can smell her perfume and it makes me weak.

“Goodbye, Harry.”

I stay motionless, still trying to understand what’s happening.

“Take it, Harry. Please,” she begs. She’s crying now, sobs making her body shake.

“I…it’s yours. I told you that you could keep it.”

Please, keep it.

She shakes her head, tears flowing down her cheeks. “I don’t want it anymore.”

And the next words she said were like knives being slowly pushed through my heart.

“It means nothing to me now.”

I feel a tear escape and I make no move to wipe it. And I still make no move to get the necklace. I feel like someone shocked me when she grabs my hand and shoves the necklace into my palm.

Once it’s out of her hands, she turns around and starts sobbing. She walks to the front door, not stopping once. She opens it and slams it shut behind her.

I’m frozen in my spot, feeling empty and numb, except for the chain digging into my palm as I grip harshly on the necklace. I look down at it and I can see tears falling straight to the ground.

This ring, it holds a special meaning to each of us. To her, it showed her how much I loved her and how I will always be there for her. She will always know that as long as she has it with her.

To me, it shows how much she trusts me and that she’s mine. As long she has it, I know that I’m hers and she’s mine.

But now, she’s given it back.

I wanted, more than anything right now, for her to keep it because I thought that, as long as she had it, there would still be hope that we would find our way back together.

 

So now, just like I’ve lost that hope, I’ve lost her as well.

 

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Don't worry guys, I'm crying with you :'( This turned out sadder than I thought it was going to be...

Please like and comment! Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter, I really would like to know (whether you hate it so much right now :P LOL)

At least 10 comments from different people for the next chapter!

Thanks for reading!

PS: I'm still deciding whether I'm going to continue posting this story on here. But I will eventually only post on Wattpad sometime soon. So I encourage you guys to get it if you want to continue reading my stories. It's very similar to this app so you guys will like it. Again, I apologize if it causes trouble for some people but I really would like to just post on one site soon.

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