Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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64. Closure

Here it is! Prepare yourself...

I HIGHLY recommend you listen to 'Spaces' on the boys' new album. The moment I first listened to this song, it immediately reminded me of this story. It described their relationship right now perfectly. And it goes perfectly with this chapter. It's attached to the chapter, at the top.

PUT IT ON REPEAT!

Start the song when you see this '~*~*~'

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Lily’s POV

“Are you sure?” Ed asks me as he parks in front of Harry’s gate. I look out the window, hoping that a sign sent from above will let me know that I’m making the right decision. But none comes and I have to just go with my gut and go with my decision.

I nod. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

I hear him take a deep breath before I look over at him.

“I owe him a goodbye.”

“I know you do but…is this the right way to do it? Can’t you just have him over tomorrow before you go? At least I can be there.”

I look into his apprehensive eyes, shaking my head at him. “I need to do this alone. I’ll be fine. I promise. Don’t wait up for me. I’ll just take a taxi back to your place.”

His wariness grows in his features and I know that I need to get out of this car soon or Ed will lock the doors and drive me back to his flat.

“I’ll call you if anything happens, okay? I’m just going to say goodbye to him and I’ll go home right after. Please, don’t worry about me.”

I try to give him a comforting smile but he still doesn’t seem convinced. However, he still nods and looks away. I turn and open the door, hopping out and facing Ed.

“I’ll see you later, okay?”

He turns to look at me and gives me a small smile. “Yeah. Um…good luck.”

I return his smile before I take a step back and close the door. He drives off after I wave him goodbye and I take a deep breath before I turn around and walk up to Harry’s gate. It instantly sends waves of emotions as I stare through the gate towards Harry’s house. I’ve had good and bad memories here and I have no idea which way tonight will go.

Before I end up changing my mind, I bring a shaky hand up to the intercom and press the button. No answer comes and I’m worried that Harry isn’t even home. I press it again one more time, my heart thumping in my chest as seconds pass by in silence.

~*~*~ (START THE SONG!)

Just as I’m about to call Ed to come back and pick me up, the intercom crackles.

“Lily?”

The way Harry calls for me pulls at my heart. It sounds so pained, hopeful, in disbelief and so many other emotions. My mind goes blank for a second, not knowing what to do. However, I find my hand going back up to the intercom to press a button.

“Hi, Harry.” I have to clear my throat as my voice comes out in a squeak. “Can…can I come in?”

Not a second later, the intercom buzzes again. “Yeah, of course.” He sounds out of breath. A moment later, a loud buzz is heard, followed with a click as the gate unlocks. I push the gate open and close it behind me and when I turn around and look up, Harry is standing on the front porch, looking at me like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. His eyes are wide and I can see him fidgeting with his fingers as he watches me walk up to him. I take the steps up to the front porch and stand in front of him.

As I stand here in front of him, I get a good look at his face. The dark circles under his eyes are more prominent than when I last saw him in the lobby at Ed’s flat. His hair is unruly, not holding its usual shine. His skin is pale, like he hasn’t been out in a while.

His eyes stay focused on mine but I can see his hands still fidgeting.

I’m the first to look away as I look down at my feet. “Um…I just…I just wanted to come see you to…to say goodbye.”

His hands freeze as I look at them and when he remains silent, I look up at his face.

He eyes dart back and forth between mine and he takes a deep breath. “Did you want to come in?” he asks slowly.

A part of me was hoping he wouldn’t ask me to come in to his house. A part of me wanted to just say goodbye and then leave.

But a bigger part of me wanted me to go inside and give him a proper goodbye. So I nod and I see his eyes light up slightly and his lips twitch into a brief smile.

“Yeah, sure.”

He steps to the side and I walk inside, hearing him close the door behind me. I look over at him when he steps beside me and he gestures towards the living room. I lead the way to the couches and sit down. He sits down beside me, a safe distance away from me. He clasps his hands in front of his, resting his elbows on his knees.

He sits there in anticipation, waiting for me to talk.

“So…” I clear my throat, deciding that I should start talking before this becomes more awkward. I look down at my hands, too scared to look up at him. “I’m going to be completely honest with you. I…I wasn’t planning on seeing you before I leave.”

I hear him sharply take in a breath and I have to force myself to continue to avoid his gaze. I know what he must be thinking. He’s thinking that I didn’t care enough to even say goodbye to him before I left. He must think that I don’t care at all.

But I do. If anything, I care too much.

“But I knew that I had to. I knew I owed it to you to at least say goodbye. I know I’ve said this countless times before but you really have done so much for me. Things that I will never be able to thank you enough for and--”

“Look at me.”

I freeze in my spot, my heart jumping in my throat. I can tell he’s getting frustrated with the fact that I won’t look at him.

“Lily, please look at me.”

I take a deep breath before I slowly look up at him. A million emotions are present in his features and it almost makes me look away. But I don’t. I keep my eyes on his, just like he’s doing with me. He just gives me a look, telling me that I can continue.

“I will never forget what you’ve done for me. I know I don’t have to explain this again but basically, you’ve helped me get over my fear, something that I never imagined I would be able to do. I am forever grateful for you for that and--”

“Is that the only reason you’re here right now? That’s the only reason you’re here saying goodbye?”

The sadness in his eyes grows and I know what’s going through his head. He must be thinking that I’m only here to see him to thank him for helping me get over my fear. He must be thinking that I wouldn’t even be here if he hadn’t given me that.

But he’s wrong. I’m just scared to admit it.

I shake my head. “No. That’s not all. You…you know what you’ve done for me. You’ve given me so many great memories. Memories that I will treasure forever. Um…I know I’ve said all this before so I guess what I want to tell you is that…thank you…for everything. And, um…I don’t know what’s going to happen between us now but…I guess we’ll just see how it goes. So yeah, I think that’s all I wanted to say. Did…is there anything you wanted to say?”

My thoughts are scrambled. I can’t think straight. I don’t even know if I’ve said everything I wanted to say.

I can see him nervously biting his lip as he continues to lock his gaze with mine. I have no walls now. Whatever he wants to say, I’ll listen. I’ll give him this chance because who knows what’s going to happen after I leave here.

“Lily, first of all, I wanted to apologize for every horrible thing I’ve done since I’ve met you. I honestly wish I could take it back. But I can’t and all I can do now is earn your forgiveness again. I know you’ve given too many chances already but I just need this one last chance. I just want things to be okay between us again. I don’t want you to leave with things like this with us.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe we can take things slowly and be friends again.”

“I don’t know, either, Harry. We’ll just have to see how things go.”

We’ve tried it before. We’ve tried to be friends again and it was good at first but it was difficult to get there and it was even more difficult when things went downhill again. I don’t know if I can do it all over again, especially as I go back to school.

His face falls slightly as he nods.

“I’m not saying ‘no’, Harry. I’m just saying we’ll see.”

He nods again. “So…you’re going to keep in touch when you leave?”

“I’ll try. I mean, I’ll be busy with school so…”

Truth is, I don’t know if I’ll be able to still talk to him when I leave. I know that I would still keep in touch with everyone else. It would be completely disrespectful to do that with everyone except him. I just don’t know how hard it’ll be. I wouldn’t even know what we would talk about.

He just nods, his face falling once again.

“I’ll try, Harry.”

His eyes light up slightly. “Alright. Um…I also want to say thank you, too, for everything. I had some of the best times with you. I will always remember them and…I’ll always love you.”

I quickly look away, the inevitable tears finally appearing.

I shake my head. “Don’t, Harry. You can’t do that.”

The tears rush down my face, the pain boiling once again inside my body.

“It’s how I feel, Lily. And I know you feel it, too.”

This conversation is quickly taking a quick turn and I know I need to say something to stop it. So, I stand up and Harry quickly does the same. He blocks my way to the door so I turn around, hoping to go around but he grabs my arm and stops me. I look up at him and see his eyes misting.

“Alright, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Just, please…don’t go.”

“I…I think I’ve said everything I need to say. I…I should go.”

I see panic growing in Harry’s features, his eyes wild and frantic.

“Please, stay.”

I freeze in my spot and look back up at him.

“What?” I ask.

“Stay…please. I…I know you’re leaving tomorrow but…please, just spend this last night with me. I’ll…I’ll take you back to Ed’s tomorrow morning and I won’t see you anymore, if that’s what you want. Or…or I can take you to the train station myself. It’s up to you. Just, please, stay.”

I start to shake my head, my thoughts getting even more confusing.

“Harry…I can’t. I--”

“You can’t or you don’t want to?”

I exhale, knowing that I can’t lie. Do I want to stay? What are we going to do? What does he expect to happen? What are we going to talk about?

“What am I going to tell Ed? If I stay,” I quickly add.

“Just tell him the truth. He’ll understand, especially if it’s coming from you. But you shouldn’t worry about him. I just really need you to stay. I’ve lost this past week not being able to see you. Just, please, give me this last night.”

The pain in his eyes mirrors mine and it just causes my heart to break even more. I don’t know what to do. If I leave, that’s it. I’ll have no more chances of seeing him before I do. It’ll be our final goodbye. If I stay, who knows what’s going to happen?

“Don’t think too much about it, Lily. I won’t do or say anything that I know you won’t want to hear. I just need to spend this one last time with you before you leave. Like you said, who knows what’s going to happen after you leave and I don’t want to risk not being able to see you anymore after tonight.”

By now, the tears have dried up but my thoughts are still swarming around in my head. If I stay, there will definitely need to be some ground rules. One mistake and I’m gone. I’m sure he’s aware of that. Also, if I stay, I’ll need to do something about how I’m going to leave here…

“Okay.”

Shock appears on his face, clearly surprised that I said ‘yes’.

“Really?”

I nod. “Yes.”

Even though his face lights up and a smile appears on his face, I can still see how everything has taken a toll on his appearance. The bags under his eyes have been worrying me since I laid eyes on him tonight. I’ve lost sleep because of him but I’m sure that he’s lost even more than I have. If I’m going to stay, I need to make sure that he gets his needed sleep.

“We should sleep. You look tired and I…I need to get back to Ed’s early tomorrow,” I suggest.

He nods his head. “You…you can sleep on my bed and…I can sleep on the couch in my room…if that’s okay.”

I contemplate it. I mean, it’s better than him sleeping on the bed with me and I’m sure that it’d be pointless if I asked to sleep in a completely different room. He asked me to stay, to spend this last night with him and I’m not going to make things difficult and sleep in the guest room.

I’m sure that a part of him is worried that I’m going to leave in the middle of the night. I wouldn’t do that to him. I promised him that I would stay. I will stay.

However, as I take another look at his tired eyes, I start to feel guilty again. I bite my lip, a debate playing through my head until I finally make a decision.

“It’s okay. You…you can sleep on the bed with me.”

His face lights up even more, the most I’ve seen this past week.

“Really?” he says breathlessly.

I nod. Without another word, without allowing myself to change my mind, I grab his hand and lead him up to his room. We’re just going to be sleeping next to each other. Well, actually, he’s going to be sleeping and I’m going to allow myself to watch him one last time before I leave.

Silence surrounds us as we enter his room. He never lets my hand go as we carefully crawl under the covers. I make sure to keep a good couple of feet of space in between us and I’m sure he’s aware of that, too. Our hands stay clasped in between us as we lay on our sides and face each other, our eyes locked on each other’s.

I can see his eyes start to droop but I can tell that he’s trying to resist. I know he’s trying to stay awake just like I am.

I take my hand that was clasped with his and carefully reach out and brush his hair off of his forehead. Harry quickly grabs my other hand and I can feel how much he’s longing for my touch, just like I am with him.

I brush my fingers through his hair, relishing in the familiar feeling it’s giving me.

“Go to sleep, Harry.”

He shakes his head, tears prickling from the corners of his eyes.

“Lily, please. Can I please tell you how I feel?”

My heart squeezes in my chest as I look at the desperation in his eyes. Just like Harry did, I shake my head.

“I know how you feel, Harry, but I can’t hear it. I can’t. I do know how you feel and I’m sure you know how I feel. Just…close your eyes and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

He slowly nods. “I just want you to know that you’re the only one that’s made me the happiest I’ve ever been.” Worry fills his eyes again. “You promise you’ll stay?”

“Yes, I promise.”

Reassurance overtakes his features as he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. His hand tightens around mine and I resume brushing my fingers lightly through his hair, hoping it’ll soothe him to sleep.

I see Harry open his eyes a couple of times, knowing that he’s making sure that I’m still here. His hand never loosens but a part of me doesn’t want it to.

After Harry’s breathing stabilizes, knowing he’s finally sleep, I allow myself some time to just take in his features one last time, hoping it’ll burn into my memory for when I leave.

No matter how hard I force myself to, I can’t. Getting over someone isn’t as easy as just saying that you have to, especially with Harry. Just like it took time to trust myself to love again, I’m sure it’s going to take me a while to get over him.

Yes, after everything, after every lie, every mistake, every heartache I went through, I still love him. Even now, as I lie here beside him, listening to his quiet breathing, my heart is still his. A part of me is scared of the possibility that it will always be his.

I wish I could just forget about everything, wake Harry up and tell him that I still love him and that I’ll take him back. It’ll be just like the movies. But it isn’t. This is real life. This is just plain, messed up, real life.

If I take him back, who knows what’s going to happen between us? I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist and think that I’m going to get hurt again but I’m just being realistic. The fact that we couldn’t make it work when we saw each other every day while here in London, I know that it’s going to be much harder to make our relationship work while I’m away at school and while he’s busy with his music.

He’ll find someone who will be able to keep up with his lifestyle, someone who is okay with being away from each other for weeks, even months. I don’t know if I’m able to handle that.

And I’ll find someone who will trust me and won’t hurt me.

But honestly, there have never been relationships like that. Every relationship has fights, heartache, obstacles. It’s wishful thinking hoping that I’m going to find the perfect relationship where I won’t get hurt.

But I will find someone. I’ll find someone who will…

I focus on Harry’s face once again and realization hits me right in the face as I do. Tears build up in my eyes and I try my hardest not to make any sounds.

No matter how hard I try to think of how I hope the next guy I meet will be like, I will always think back to one person. The one lying down beside me.

I don’t even think it’s that I want the next person that I meet to be like Harry. The truth is that I want that person to be Harry.

The fact that I’ve realized this now causes more tears to run down my face.

This man in front of me has changed me so much, mostly for the better. He’s taught me to fight my fears, my fear of playing in front of other people, the fear of trusting, but most importantly, the fear of loving again, and loving with all my heart and nothing less.

I love Harry, with every part of me, and I don’t know when, and if, I will ever get over him. I have to. I need to. I can’t keep going on like this. I need closure and I need it soon.

I stop the movement of my fingers, not risking waking him up. I slowly lean up on my elbow and lean closer to Harry. I lightly place my lips on his forehead, letting my lips linger as I close my eyes. I take in his scent, allowing it to bring back several memories of when he had held me close to him. I lightly tighten my grip around his hair, remembering the times I’ve run my fingers through them, as we kissed, when he drove, when I cut his hair.

I force myself to pull away, looking down at Harry’s peaceful face. A part of me is hoping that he’ll wake up and stop me from doing what I’m about to do but I know that it’ll be better if he stays asleep.

This will be much easier for me, for the both of us.

When I know it’s safe, I carefully take my fingers out of his hair and slowly unclasped my other hand from his.

I can already feel him slipping away from me. I can feel my heart emptying as the loss of his touch.

I sit up and very carefully slide out of bed, looking over at Harry to make sure he hasn’t woken. I stand up from the bed and put on my shoes. I don’t know what comes over me but I look around his room, in search for his ring necklace but I can’t find it anywhere. I noticed he wasn’t wearing it so I assumed that it would be in his room. But it’s nowhere in sight.

I don’t know why I got the sudden need to be reunited with the ring. I just feel like it’ll make things slightly easier when I leave. I’ll still have a part of him. But it’s not here.

Just as I’m about to leave his room, I look over at his sleeping body and I find myself being pulled back to him. I stand by his side and allow myself to run my fingers one last time through his hair. I lean down and place one last lingering kiss on his head before I lean back and hover over him.

“I love you, Harry,” I whisper. I finally say the words that I’ve been wanting to say to him, the words that I’m sure Harry has been longing to hear from me. I guess it’s not really fair, for either of us, that I’m saying this as he’s fast asleep but this is the only way I can think of that I can express to him how I feel without finding out what would happen if he had actually heard them. I wish I could’ve said it to him when he was still awake but it might just make things much harder, especially me leaving.

I leave one last quick kiss before I have to force myself to turn around and leave his room, quietly closing the door behind me. I grip the doorknob, closing my eyes tightly and let the tears fall once again.

I take a couple of shaky breaths and open my eyes, pushing myself off of the door and down the stairs. I grab my bag and take out my phone, calling Ed as soon as I step out the front door and into the cold, night air.

As I wait for Ed in front of Harry’s gate, the tears never stop.

My promise is burning a hole through my heart, the promise I made to Harry that I would stay. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lie there beside him and pretend that it wasn’t ripping me apart inside. Lying there with him sent too many memories rushing back, memories of us lying in each others’ arms, sharing romantic gestures and knowing that the other would still be there when we woke up.

I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to risk finding out what would’ve happened when we wake up in the morning. I know that Harry will think that things will be okay again but what I’m afraid of is that I’ll think so, too.

I need to do this. I can’t keep dragging this inevitable goodbye. It’s better this way.

I need this. I need this closure. But is this the kind of closure that I want?

I see Ed’s car drive up beside me and I hop inside without a word. Silence fills the car most of the way back to his flat and it’s not until we reach his street that Ed finally says something.

“Are you okay?”

I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I’m sure I’m going to feel it all tomorrow when I wake up. I know I’ll feel it when I make my way to the train station.

“No.”

And I know that it’ll hit me hard when I board that train and leave this place behind.

“But I will be.”

“And you’re sure that you want to leave now?”

I had told Ed that I’m changing the time of my departure. I need to leave as soon as possible. I wasn’t supposed to leave until two in the afternoon but with what just happened, I can’t risk Harry finding me before I leave.

I know that when he wakes up to an empty bed, he’s going to immediately start looking for me. I know he’ll find me. That’s why I’ve decided to take the 4am train.

Hopefully, with his lack of sleep this past week, he’ll sleep throughout the whole night. I’ll be long gone by the time he wakes up.

It’s 2am now, that gives me two hours to go back to Ed’s, get my stuff, go to the train station and finally leave.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Just two more hours until there will be nothing holding me back. There will be nothing that will make me run back to Harry and take him back.

 

Until then, I’m just going to have to do everything in my power to stop myself from running back to the only one that can make me whole again but he’s also the only one that can make me break into a million more pieces, as well.

 

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:'( :'( :'(

Don't worry guys, I'm crying with you!

Anyways, pleeeeeeeease comment! I worked on this chapter all week. I would really love to know what you guys thought. Pretty please. i love your comments.

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Thanks for reading! <3

 

 

 

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