Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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35. Clarity

Lily’s POV

“I still have no idea why he did that.” El ponders as she sips on her iced coffee.

“Me, neither. I couldn’t believe it at first,” Perrie responds. She crosses her arms on the table of the coffee shop that we decided to go to lunch at.

She came home with the rest of the boys this morning. El went to the airport to pick up Louis and I had declined her offer to bring me along with her. So I just told her that I would meet up with her and Perrie for lunch.

I just twirl my straw around and around in my near empty cup, not having anything to add to the conversation between the two other girls.

“It’s really weird. One second, he’s following you around like some lovesick puppy and then, next thing I know, he’s…done this. I don’t get it,” El adds.

My heart strains as her description of how Harry was before all of this rings through my ears. But what they’re saying are some of the things that I’ve been thinking about for the past few nights. But I stopped stressing myself out over it because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get answers unless I talk to him myself. And I know that that’s not going to happen anytime soon, if ever.

“We can ask him for you, if you want. I know you told us not to but…I just need a reason to punch him in the face!”

I look up at Perrie. On any other occasion, I would laugh because I know that she would just be joking but I can hear a hint of seriousness in her tone. So, I just give her a short smile and look between the both of them.

“It’s okay. I don’t want to drag you guys into this.”

“But what are you guys going to do? You’re not going to talk about this?” Perrie says.

I shrug. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t think I have it in me to go to him and talk about this. What am I going to say?

Why did you cheat on me?

It’s been four days since I found out about Harry cheating on me. Four days where neither of us have not said one word to each other, except for the two-worded text message he has sent me saying that we were over.

Four days where all of this pain, confusion and heartbreak is following me after every passing day.

The text with no explanation and the fact that I found out over the news and not from Harry himself just added to my decision about not confronting him about this. At least, not yet.

Does he even know that I know?

He probably knows, since I haven’t spoken to him since then.

“I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see. But I don’t think I can talk to him yet. I’m still trying to understand it all. I’m just as confused as you guys are.”

“We can do some digging!” El exclaims, jumping in her seat.

I chuckle while shaking my head. “Good luck with that. But really, you guys don’t need to bother with my problems.”

But El was already pulling out her phone to do God-knows-what and she starts clicking on the screen feverishly. Perrie and I exchange amused looks and go back to drinking our coffee.

“I was really tempted to go up to Harry and kick him where it hurts while we were in New York.”

I force a smile at Perrie. But I find myself laughing a bit when I picture it in my head.

“Another weird thing, though.” I look up at her and see her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “I’ve never seen Harry more miserable. The day that it happened, he didn’t talk to anyone.”

“What do you--”

El gasps, interrupting me. Perrie and I look over at her, her eyes wide as she looks at her phone. She places a hand over her mouth and looks up at me.

“El, what is it?” Perrie is sitting beside her so she leans towards her and looks at her phone. Perrie gazes at the phone for a couple of seconds before her face mirrors El’s. She gasps and takes the phone from El. I see her eyes dart back and forth across the screen, knowing that she was reading something.

“What is it?” I ask. I stick my hand out, holding it out for the phone. Both of them look at each other, exchanging glances before El lightly nods and Perrie hands me the phone.

I look at what’s on the screen and I nearly drop the phone in shock.

Just like the other girls had done, my eyes widen and my hand darts up to cover my mouth, which has opened in disbelief.

Harry Styles’ girlfriend caught kissing another man: Cheating scandal or are they over?

Under the title are two pictures. One of me and Marcus at the train station and we’re hugging and I have my hand raking through his hair while I was trying to comfort him as he was crying.

The other picture is even worse. It’s a picture of when Marcus and I had taken a walk to the park after the funeral. We had our arms around each other following a hug and I had leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek. But the angle of the picture was taken in a way that it looked like I was kissing him on the lips.

The pictures were very misleading.

Probably very misleading in the eyes of a certain ex-boyfriend.

I exit out of the article to see that El had found it on Twitter. And it was everywhere on Twitter. I go through her timeline and see a lot of update accounts talking about me and Harry.

Did he see these pictures?

Is that why he broke up with me?

Is that why he cheated on me?

“Wh…what the hell is this?” I go back to the article, making sure that I saw the pictures correctly. But seeing the expressions on both of the girls’ faces reassures me that I did see it correctly.

“Is that Marcus?” Perrie asks.

“Yes but it’s not what it looks like. I…I didn’t cheat on Harry. These pictures aren’t true. I mean, they’re real but the article is false. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t kiss Marcus.”

El places her hand on top of mine. “We know you didn’t, babe. But you know how tabloids are. They twist the truth and make up rumours.”

I place the phone on the table and rest my elbows on the table before burying my face in my hands. This is a lot of information to take in for such a short amount of time. This is all such a mess.

“Well…what are you going to do?” El asks.

What do I do?

What can I do?

I take a deep breath and look up at the girls.

“You mean, am I going to tell Harry that the pictures aren’t what they look like? What’s that going to do? He should’ve known that I would never do anything like that. I’ve told him multiple times…and he still doesn’t trust me. He should’ve talked to me about this. And I’m not going to talk to him about it because it’s going to seem like I’m the guilty one.”

“But, Lily…Harry deserves an explanation. He needs to know the truth about when you went to the funeral,” Perrie says.

I open my mouth to defend myself but she interrupts me.

“I know that Harry shouldn’t have acted that way and did what he did but he still deserves to know. Even after all of this, he deserves the truth. It may not accomplish anything but at least he knows and understands how big of a mistake he made.”

I see Perrie and Eleanor exchange looks before they look back at me.

“Lily…we think that Harry deserves an apology as well. Even though he did something absolutely horrible, we feel like you should have told him the truth in the first place. We don’t mean it in a way that makes it look like you’re the guilty one but--”

“But what?” I interrupt Perrie. “Whose side are you on?”

I was hurt that they’re defending Harry. I had the whole world against me with his whole cheating thing and the fact that they were telling me to apologize made me upset.

Both of them look at me with wide eyes.

“What are you talking about? We’re on your side,” Eleanor says. She looks at Perrie, desperate for her help.

“We know that Harry is the one in the wrong here. We’re just saying that you should explain to him what happened and…and apologize.”

“I have nothing to apologize about. And even if I did, it’s nothing compared to what Harry did.”

I was starting to grow more defensive and hostile. I thought they were my friends. Even though they’ve known Harry longer than they know me, I thought that they would understand how I’m feeling right now. Here I am, still broken from what Harry did and now they’re telling me to go to Harry and apologize.

I look between the both of them. “You guys think that it’s my fault that he did this. You think that I made him cheat on me.”

“No, Lily,” Eleanor says. “We just want things between you and Harry to be okay again. Nothing’s going to happen if you two don’t talk to each other.”

 “Well, who says that I want things between me and Harry to be okay again? Even if I apologize to him, which I think is stupid and pointless, what makes you think that Harry’s going to forgive me and that it’s going to make everything better? Things aren’t going to be okay between me and Harry. We were together for a few weeks and we broke up twice throughout. That’s more times than people who have been together their entire life. The fact that it couldn't work between us for longer than a few weeks shows that we weren’t supposed to be together. We weren’t meant for each other. So what’s the point in talking to him about this?”

They look at me, looking like they were choosing their words carefully in their head.

“Maybe you guys can be…friends,” Perrie suggests.

I can’t deal with this anymore. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I stand up and reach for my bag.

“Lily, where are you going?” Eleanor asks with wide eyes.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m going home.”

Without letting them respond, I put my purse on my shoulder and turn around before I walk away.

Luckily, there’s a taxi waiting by the side of the street and I quickly head over and get inside. I tell him the address of the flat and he drives off.

I stare out the window as my thoughts carry me back to the conversation I just had with Eleanor and Perrie.

Apart from Ed, the only other people I thought were on my side were the girls. But I was wrong.

And Perrie’s reason for me to apologize to Harry was too much for me.

I don’t think I can be friends with Harry.

To begin with, things would be too awkward.

But the part that would scare me about being friends with him again would be the possibility that I will forget all of the mistakes that he made and I would allow myself to love him again.

But have I stopped loving him?

**

I walk inside the flat and see Ed in the living room with his guitar.

“Hey,” I say as I drop my bag by the door. I walk over to the couch and sit down.

“Hey, how was lunch?”

“It was fine.”

He seems to notice the irritation in my voice as he stops playing the guitar and looks over at me. I rest my head against the back of the couch and close my eyes, anticipating Ed’s expected question.

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” I snap.

“It’s obviously not nothing. Talk to me.”

I sigh and open my eyes but keep my gaze up on the ceiling.

“I had a fight with the girls.”

I hate having to admit it to Ed. It sounds like it’s some high school drama.

“I’m guessing about Harry.”

I just nod in response.

“What happened?”

I start fidgeting with my sweater. I’m scared that Ed will agree with what the girls said. I respect Ed’s opinion more than anyone else’s so I know that whatever he has to say, it’ll be the truth.

“They said that I should talk to Harry and apologize to him for not telling him the truth. They think that I should’ve told him in the first place.”

“Why the hell would they think that after what he did?” Confusion and annoyance appears on his face.

Suddenly, I remember the article that Eleanor found on Twitter.

“Probably because of the pictures that he saw.”

Ed looks at me with confusion. “What pictures?”

I take out my phone and search for the article. I just type in the name of the article and it’s the first thing that comes up. I hand the phone over to Ed and he looks at the screen.

His eyebrows furrow as he reads the article.

“So this is why he did what he did?”

“Yeah, most likely.”

Silence fills the room but I know what Ed’s thinking. I know what he’s going to say and it’s exactly what comes out of his mouth next.

“Lily…I hate to say this but…they’re right. I’m not saying that what Harry did is excusable but you should’ve told him like I told you to.”

The memory of Ed scolding me after I told him that my plan to keep the truth from Harry plays in my mind.

I hated to admit this but I should’ve listened to him. It would’ve prevented this whole mess from happening.

But it did and there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Except to listen to Perrie, Eleanor and Ed’s advice and talk to Harry and apologize.

I guess I was just in denial that I did something wrong because I know that once I admit it to myself that I made a mistake, it just makes me think that it’s all my fault.

Maybe it is.

But it doesn’t make what Harry did any less hurtful. I understand what Harry must’ve thought when he saw those pictures but what he did in response to it was not how he should’ve reacted. I understand that he was hurt but what he should’ve known was that I would never cheat on him, like I reassured him many times before.

I groan. “I know. It’s just…I was scared to lose him. I was scared that if I told him that I couldn’t make it to Paris anymore because I had to be with Marcus, he would break up with me. He broke up with me once before when he saw me texting Marcus so I thought that he was going to again. And now…I did lose him because of what I did to prevent that. Ironic, huh?”

I finally force myself to lift my head and look over at Ed. I can see the sympathy on his features.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I mean, I understand but…you should’ve trusted him enough to know that he wouldn’t have done that if you had just told him the truth. I’m sure he would’ve been fine with it under the circumstances.”

I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees and place my face in my hands.

“I know. You’re right. I should’ve told him from the beginning. I just…I can’t believe what he did. I know what you guys are thinking. I caused him to do what he did but…I wish he hadn’t. I wish he had just talked to me about it.”

I wish he would’ve done anything else.

“I’m going to give you some advice, Lily. And I mean this in the most sincere way possible. But if you want him to be what you want him to be, if you want him to be open with you and talk to you about anything, then you need to do that for him as well. Relationships are a two-way street. You get what you give.”

He’s right. He’s absolutely right about everything.

How can I expect him to communicate with me when I don’t do that myself?

“You two need to talk about this. It’s only going to get harder and more complicated if you don’t.”

“How? He obviously doesn’t want to talk to me about this. The last thing he said to me was ‘we’re over’. No explanation. He didn’t even let me explain.”

“I think he did what he did because he didn’t want to hurt his pride and ego any more, you know how guys are.” He holds his hands up in front of him. “Again, I know it’s not an excuse. And I think he’s avoiding talking about it because he’s hurt. He was telling me how excited he was about being in Paris with you and he was upset when you said you couldn’t go anymore. You can just imagine how he must’ve felt when he saw those pictures. Yes, the article is false but you still kept the truth from him and you went behind his back and went to see your ex-boyfriend. And the last thing he knew was that you hated Marcus’ guts. And the fact that he saw pictures of you two, even though you were just hugging, he must’ve thought of it more than it was.”

I just sit there and let his words sink in.

“Just imagine if the roles were switched around. What if it had been you waiting for Harry at Paris and then he tells you that he can’t make it anymore? And then next thing you see are pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend hugging each other and one of him looking like he was kissing her. How would you feel?”

I would feel upset, angry, betrayed, hurt.

Again, Ed was right. If the roles were switched, I would’ve been absolutely crushed like I am now.

“I wouldn’t do what he did though. I wouldn’t get back at him by cheating on him.”

It’s true. Even though I would’ve thought that he was cheating on me, I wouldn’t react by hurting him back.

“I know you wouldn’t but with Harry, he has his every move being watched with the media. Even though he hates it, he has to keep an image up, especially with his shit management telling him what to do in front of the cameras. I think he wants people to think that you two broke up, instead of everyone thinking that you cheated on him. If you think about it, it’s good for you too, because now people don’t think that you cheated on Harry.”

I didn’t think of it that way. I keep forgetting that Harry’s every move is being photographed or watched and criticized no matter what the situation. I know that he has to be careful about what he does in front of the camera.

“I guess you’re right. I…I didn’t think of it that way.”

“He made a bad decision but he’s not a bad person, Lily.”

I just nod.

“So, are you going to talk to him?”

I sigh. I have a little more insight about this whole situation but I feel no closer to making a decision about whether I’m going to talk to him about this.

“I don’t know. I don’t even think he wants to talk to me. I mean, he has a new girlfriend already. I think he’s moved on.”

“You’d be stupid to think that. He’s just hurt. And I’m sure he’d want to talk to you, too. Just…make sure that you approach him in the right way.”

“And how can I do that? It’s not like I can just go to his house and ask him to talk. His girlfriend will probably be there.”

His face scrunches up in thought and then his eyebrows rise. “Perfect opportunity. The Brit Awards are this weekend. The lads and I are going. I forgot to tell you but you’re going to be my plus one.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure an awards show is a good place to talk to him? With cameras everywhere?’

He rolls his eyes. “Obviously not. I was talking about afterwards. There’s an after party and we usually choose the one that’s more chill. You can talk to him then. I mean, I don’t expect you guys to make up and things will be the same but hopefully, you’ll be able to straighten things out and tell him the truth.”

I take a deep breath, contemplating Ed’s suggestion. “I don’t know. What if we cause a scene?”

He shrugs. “Just…try not to. I can’t think of any other way to get you two into the same room cooperatively. Just try.”

I nod. “Alright, I’ll try.”

He smiles. “Good.”

“Now, let’s discuss how you’re only telling me now about the Brits Awards. I don’t even have a dress, let alone afford one.”

“Just wear the one that you bought for the girls’ night. The red one that I helped you shop for.”

The memory of the night that I wore that dress sends chills throughout my body. That was the night that Harry and I kissed. Our first real kiss. It was the night that we confessed our feelings for each other.

If I had money, I would buy another dress because I know that when I wear it for the awards show with Harry in the same room as me, I’ll be constantly flooded with memories of that night the entire time.

So now, I had to prepare for the Brit Awards but, more importantly, prepare myself for when I talk to Harry for the first time since this whole whirlwind of events happened.

 

******************

 

I seemed to have angered a few people with the last few chapters :P but guys, it wouldn't be a good story without SOME drama ;)

LOL

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