Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


145. Christmas

Harry’s POV

“Babe! Wake up! It’s Christmas!”

I’m pulled from my sleep when I feel someone straddling my body and jumping up and down. I groan as I look up and force my eyes open. As my vision clears, I see Lily sitting on top of me, a beaming smile gracing her face.

My mind goes blank for a second as I take in the view in front of me, Lily in my shirt with her tousled bed hair and the morning sun shining into my room behind her, giving her a breathtaking glow.

“Merry Christmas, Harry.” Her smile never leaves her face and, as I continue to look at her, I can’t help the one spreading across mine.

“Merry Christmas, my love.”

I know how much she likes me calling her that and I can see it when I see her eyes brighten even more.

Even though it’s Christmas, I now don’t want to leave my bed. We had a great time last night with my parents. We had a nice dinner with Gemma and her new boyfriend, Michal. It was a quiet night, one that we finished off with a movie where everyone fell asleep halfway through except for me.

Gemma had left with Michal afterwards and then my parents woke up and went to bed. I had carried Lily up to my room and we both had fallen asleep right away. And now, here we are on Christmas morning, starting the day off exactly as I want it to, with Lily right beside me.

“What are you smiling about, little monkey?” I ask as I see her bite her lip to hide her smile.

She shrugs as she shakes her head. “I’m just really excited for this Christmas. I mean, I already love Christmas as it is but…I’m just really happy to be spending it with you.”

I place my hands on either sides of her face and pull her down to me, pressing her lips against mine. Her hair falls over her shoulder, falling onto my face and neck, tickling me.

I kiss her slowly, dragging my lips across hers tenderly to make sure she feels everything that I am. Her hands glide up my chest and wraps around the back of my neck, pulling me up closer to her. Giving her one more gentle kiss, I pull her face up and smile at her, my eyes quickly darting down to look at hers.

“I can’t imagine spending today any differently that we are right now. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Her smile widens before she leans down and gives me one more sweet kiss, sitting up right after.

“Well, then I wish that every day was Christmas.” She runs her hands slowly up and down my bare chest and stomach as mine rubs along her thighs.

Stretching my body to wake myself up fully, I sit up and rest my hands on her waist, pressing my body against hers as her hands tangle in my hair. Unable to resist, I lean in and kiss her again. I can never get enough of her kisses. If it was possible, I’d never let my lips leave hers.

I moan into the kiss when she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her body against mine even more, my hands sliding up her waist and around her back underneath my shirt.

I gently press my fingertips at the top of her back before I glide them down slowly. I can actually feel the shivers rubbing down her back as a quiet moan vibrates from her throat.

Suddenly, we hear noises coming from downstairs, followed by Christmas music, letting us know that my parents are already awake.

Our lips pull away with a smack and I can’t help but to give her one more quick kiss, knowing that we should make our presence downstairs soon.

“We should go,” she says, reading my mind. She slides off of my lap, hopping out of bed and goes to her suitcase. I change into a pair of sweats and my grey Henley and she changes into a pair of sweats, as well, before she takes off the shirt that we wore to bed and puts on a bra. I just sit on the edge of my bed, enjoying the view as she walks over to my suitcase and takes something out.

I watch in curiousity as she puts on my Rolling Stones t-shirt. One of my favourites. I shake my head with a smile, amused that she didn’t even bother asking me.

“Excuse me. Who said you can wear that?”

She fixes it around her body and gives me a huge smile.

“I did,” she retorts as she raises an eyebrow at me. “Did you not want me to?”

“Just don’t expect me to give it to you like the others,” I say with a playful glare. “That’s my favourite.”

She walks up to me and stands in between my legs, her arms resting around my shoulders.

“I thought I was your favourite.” She sticks out her bottom lip and gives me her best puppy-dog eyes.

I raise my eyebrows and grin at her. “You are my favourite. But I’m sorry. It’s my lucky shirt . I always bring it with me on tour. If you want, you can have it as long as you go on tour with me every day.”

She playfully rolls her eyes. “Ha. Nice try. You can keep the shirt.” She steps back and heads for the door. “But I’m still wearing it today.”

“Of course you are. I wouldn’t think differently.”

I stand up and catch up to her, taking her hand as I lead us out and down the stairs. The Christmas music is playing loudly in the kitchen and we walk in and see my mum and Robin standing behind the centre island.

“Good morning!” my mum greets when she looks up at us. “Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas,” Lily and I say at the same time.

She walks up to us and gives us each a hug, followed by Robin.

“So, what can we help with?” I ask as I watch my mum start to cut up vegetables as Robin peels potatoes.

“You and Lily can make the cupcakes. I laid out everything you need over there.” She nods towards the other counter facing the wall and I see all of the ingredients and bowls we’d be using.

“But it’s gonna get so messy,” I whine.

“Oh, quit being a grouch,” Lily says, bumping me with her shoulder before she turns to my mum. “We’d love to. Don't worry about him.”

“You won’t get your presents if you don’t behave,” my mum playfully scolded.

I pout as Lily laughs.

“Alright. Fine. Just don’t blame me if they turn out as cookies.”

My mum rolls her eyes with a smile before Lily tugs on my arm and pulls me towards the cupcake station, our backs facing my parents.

Lily looks at my mum’s cupcake recipe laid out in front of us and grabs one of the big bowls.

“Did you want to measure or did you wanna do the mixing?” she asks.

“I’ll mix. I’ll do the hard part.”

She scrunches her eyebrows and smiles in amusement as I grin at her. Lily starts measuring all of the flour and puts them into the bowl exactly how my mum’s recipe says. I look over at her and just stare at the look of concentration on her face as she reads the recipe, her eyebrows furrowed as she bites her bottom lip.

As casually as I can, I gently grab her hip and pull her to stand in front of me, letting me lightly lean against her as I place my hands on her waist. Thankfully, she’s too focused on the paper to notice before she starts measuring out the rest of the ingredients.

“Hey, mister. Start mixing.”

I jump slightly, realizing that I was just staring at her from over her shoulder. I smile as I grab the spatula and start mixing with my arms around her. As she’s looking over the recipe again, I look over and see my mum pointing her phone at us with a huge smile on her face. I playfully glare at her and swat my hand at her without letting Lily see.

Stop,’ I mouth at her.

My mum sticks her tongue out at me before she finally puts down her phone, Robin laughing quietly beside her. I can’t hold back the smile spreading across my face as I focus back on mixing and on Lily as she looks around the counter, making sure everything we need is in the mixture.

“I’m gonna preheat the oven,” she says.

Just as she’s about to move away, I swoop down and plant a kiss on her cheek, prompting a smile to appear on her face. She goes to the oven and, again, I watch her as she figures out how to program it before she walks back over to me. She starts getting the cupcake pans ready, placing the cupcake liners into them.  I bring the cupcake mix over to her and, together, we start pouring it out into the liners.

Lily places them into the oven as I start to clean up. Once we finish, we walk over to my parents and Lily starts helping her as I sit down on the stool beside her. I just watch my parents interact with her, loving the way she fits in so well. My mum even playfully scolded Robin for not cutting the vegetables as good as Lily was. Then they gossiped about girly stuff and that’s when I zoned out and just stared at Lily the entire time.

It’s not until something is thrown at me that I snap out of my thoughts. I look at my lap and see a mushroom before I look back up and realize that it was my mum that had thrown it at me.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“I’ve been trying to get your attention but you were too busy drooling in your seat at a certain someone.”

I just smile as I look over and see Lily blushing.

“You know I can’t help it, mum.”

She playfully rolls her eyes. “I just wanted to ask you two something.”

Lily and I both focus on her and my heart jumps when I see her eyes flicker to Lily’s hand.

“When were you going to tell me about that ring?” She raises an eyebrow at me, a small grin stretching across her face.

Lily blushes even more as I sit up in my seat and lean closer to her.

“Right now?” I answer innocently.

“Can you tell me more about it before I possibly overreact?”

I laugh. “It’s just a promise ring, mum. We…we were just talking about the future a few days ago and I wanted to give her something to show her that I plan to spend the rest of my life with her. I know that we’re too young to get engaged. That’s a big step and I know that I’ll eventually ask her but I don’t want to rush things, especially since I’m in the middle of tour.”

I look over at Lily and meet her gaze, her smile making mine widen.

“That’s what I thought it was,” my mum says. “I think it’s a lovely idea. I mean, if you two were actually engaged, I would’ve been upset that you didn’t tell me right away.”

Lily and I laugh and I reach over and take her hand.

“Don’t worry,” Lily says. “Harry and I know that you and my mum have to be the first to know when we do.”

“Good,” my mum says with a huge smile. “Oh, and good luck tonight. Your aunts and granny are going to have a fit when they see that. I noticed it last night so I’m sure they’re not going to miss it.”

“We know,” I chuckle. “We even thought of pretending that we’re actually engaged but who knows what’d happen. They might start planning the wedding already.”

We all laugh as they go back to preparing the food.

“So, you met Lily’s parents?” my mum asks.

I nod. “Yeah. Last week. They’re lovely people. I’m sure you’d get along great with her mum.”

“Well, I’ll have to meet them some day. Possibly when you two get engaged so we can plan the wedding together.”

I roll my eyes as Lily laughs.

“Alright, alright. We’re not engaged,” I say. “Please remember that for tonight. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to drop the bomb on them later.”

“My suggestion is to hide the ring at first and then you tell them. If they see a diamond ring, no matter which finger it’s on, even if you put it on one of your toes, they’ll automatically think you two are actually engaged.”

I grumble lowly. “Yeah, you’re probably right. What do you think, babe?”

Lily looks over at me and nods. “I think that’s the best thing to do. I know I don’t like taking it off but I’m sure I can handle a couple of hours without it.”

I smile. “I’ll make sure to tell them as soon as possible so you can put it back on. I also know how much you don’t like not wearing it. I remember you almost ripping my head off when I hid it from you when you took it off for a couple of minutes a few of days ago.”

She rolls her eyes with a smile as she goes back to cutting up the vegetables.

“You two are too adorable,” my mum says, shaking her head. “I can’t get enough of it.”

Lily and I just smile over at her just as the oven timer beeps. I get up and grab the oven mitts before I take out the cupcakes.

“Are we supposed to decorate these?” I ask my mum.

“Yes, please. The icing is in the fridge. Lily, dear, you can help Harry with those. Who knows what he’ll draw on those cupcakes.”

“Ha ha, you’re so funny,” I say sarcastically as they both laugh at me.

Lily takes the icing from the fridge before she walks over to me. When she reaches me, I lean down and pucker my lips out to her. She smiles at me and goes on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss on my lips.

Together, we put icing on all of the cupcakes, topping them off with sprinkles. We arrange them on the cupcake tower and I place them off to the side to keep it safe as Lily cleans up.

“You two go get ready,” my mum says. “They should be getting here soon so they can help me out with the rest. Thank you for making the cupcakes.”

“No problem, mum.” I walk over to her and give her a kiss on her cheek before I take Lily’s hand and guide her back up to my room.

As soon as I close the door, I walk over to my bed and collapse onto the bed on my stomach.

“I’m already tired,” I groan. “Can I take a nap?”

Lily laughs as she stands in front of the mirror and fixes her hair.

“All you did was the cupcakes. And then you just sat there afterwards while I helped out your mum.”

“Sitting can be tiring, too.”

I smile as Lily laughs again. I watch her as she walks up to the bed and crawls on top of me and sits on the backs of my thighs.

“Did you want a massage?”

I groan as she rubs her hands along my back. “Yes, please.”

Lily works out the kinks in my back that have accumulated since the beginning of tour, working through certain spots longer than others when she coaxes a content groan from me. I try to keep quiet in case my parents walk by and mistake my noises for something else.

When she gets to my shoulders, that when I completely relax on the mattress, closing my eyes as I feel my back completely loosen up.

“Baby, you’re so good at this.”

She chuckles softly, kneading my tense muscles as she moves up to sit on my waist.

“I’m expecting one in return,” she says, running her thumb along the length of my neck, causing shivers to rush down my spine.

“Of course. You’re going to love my hands even more afterwards.

I laugh but then shout out in pain when she pinches my skin.

“Watch your mouth, Harry. None of that while we’re in your parents house.”

“Why? I know you love my mouth, too.”

I shout out again, much louder than the last time when she pinches my ear and tugs on it. I laugh as I turn into my back and rest my hands on her thighs.

“And I’m going to tape that mouth shut if you don’t stop.” I can tell she’s having a hard time trying to look intimidating, especially when I see the corner of her mouth tug up for a quick second.

I groan quietly. “Is that another fantasy of yours, baby? Tape my mouth and tie me up?”

She furrows her eyebrows as she reaches down and pinches my nipples, making me flinch and shout out in pain.

“Ow, babe. That hurt.” I rub my nipples as she just smiles down at me. “I know you enjoy it when I do that to you but I don’t as much.”

She closes her eyes in defeat as I smirk in triumph, placing my hands back on her thighs.

“Just keep ‘em coming, babe. I got all day.”

“Oh shut it,” she says, starting to move off of me. But I grab her hips and throw her onto the bed beside me as I quickly roll over her, trapping her against the mattress.

I lean down and place my lips on hers, giving her a lingering kiss before pulling away and gazing down at her.

“You know I love you, right?”

Her smile widens, making the corners of her eyes crinkle. “Yes, I know that quite well.”

“Good. Just wanted to remind you.”

Silence fills the room as we just stare at each other, my gaze fleeting down to her lips occasionally.

Christmas hasn’t even officially started yet but this is already my favourite. From the first moment that I imagined spending this special day with her, I never thought that I would be this happy. I know that every day is like this with her but just the fact that she’s spending today with me when it’s usually just a family affair, it just reminds me how damn special she is to me. This is the first holiday with her and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life spending every other holiday together.

We’re here right now, laying in my bed, her wearing my favourite shirt, and it couldn’t be any more perfect.

“What are you smiling about, little monkey?” she asks, copying my exact same words from yesterday.

I return my gaze back up to meet hers and I reach up and brush my fingers through her hair.

“I’m just insanely happy right now,” I say softly. “I wish…I wish I could have this every day.”

She furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

I swallow harshly, worried that my thoughts are going to ruin this perfect day. “I just…I wish I could do this every day. You know, be with you every day. Just turn around and have you there with me any time I want. Be able to hold you, kiss you, just feel you whenever I want. I know that I have this entire break to have that but…I don’t know how I’m going to handle being away from you again when I go back on tour. And the fact that I’m going to be even farther in America, it’s just…it’s going to be so hard.”

I can see her eyes turn sad, her hand moving up to brush against my cheek. I lean against her touch, closing my eyes and committing the feeling to memory.

“I wish I could just put you in my pocket and take you everywhere I go,” I add.

Lily gives a quick laugh and I open my eyes to see her smiling but with the sadness still present in her eyes.

“If I could bring my uni with me anywhere I go, I’d climb in your pocket myself. I’m sorry, baby. I wish I could give you that. I want that, too. You don’t know how much I want that. But I’ll be graduating this summer and you’ll be finished your tour and we’ll spend every single second together. We can go somewhere, just the two of us, and we’ll make up for the lost time. We’ve been apart before. We can definitely do it again. I know that it’ll be harder for us to find time to see each other but I know that we’ll do everything we can to make it work. And I’ll definitely be there for your birthday and maybe even Valentine’s, if we’re both free. And then I have a week off in March. And then you definitely have to spend my birthday with me or I’ll be very, very upset. And then I’ll be done school and you’ll be done your tour and…we lived happily every after.”

The smile on my face couldn’t get any bigger. My heart couldn’t feel any fuller. Not being able to wait another second, I lean down and crash my lips to hers, her lips quickly reacting as her hand tangles in my hair and pulls me closer.

“I love you,” I mumble against her lips. “I love you so much. I love you so so so so much.”

I can feel her smile into the kiss as my lips fight to kiss her as much as I can.

“I…” she tries to speak but I refuse to let our kiss stop.

I know she wanted to say that she loved me, too, but I already know that. I do love hearing her say it, but, right now, I don’t want to do anything but kiss her. It’s one of the ways we show each that we love each other.

And as she starts to deepen the kiss, I know that, just like every time we kiss, we both fall more in love.

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