Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


36. Brit Awards

Lily’s POV

“Are you sure this is appropriate?”

I turn to the side to observe the dress from the back. My hair and makeup are done now, leaving my hair in loose waves and I tried a little harder on my makeup to make it perfect.

I see Ed glance at me from the mirror.

“For the millionth time, yes. It’s fine.”

“Are you sure? I mean, you had problems with it when I wore this for clubbing. Are you sure it’s appropriate for an awards show?”

He leans back to lie down on my bed and groans.

“Well, it’s not like you have another dress.”

I bite my lip and then glance over at my closet and see my one other dress hanging on a hanger. As I stare at it, I feel the pain spreading to every inch of my body, from the top of my head all the way to the tips of my toes.

It’s the white dress that I wore for my first date with Harry.

Between that dress and the red dress that I’m wearing right now, the white dress holds more memories than this one.

But I feel like it’s more appropriate for the awards show than this red one. I slowly make my way over to the closet and stand in front of the white dress. I reach out and run my hands through the fabric.

“Oh, you do have another dress,” Ed says from behind me. “That one’s nice. Wear that one.”

I take the dress from my closet and hold it out in front of me.

Ed doesn’t know that I wore this for my first date with Harry. We were still hiding it from him back then. He doesn’t know what memories this dress holds.

I finally make a decision as I take the straps from the hanger and hold it in my arms. I turn around and face Ed.

“I should wear this one?”

He sits up and leans back on his hands.

“Yeah, it’s nice. It’s not as…tight.”

I can’t help but roll my eyes before I make my way to the bathroom to change. I take a couple of deep, shaky breaths as I look at myself in the mirror. The dress, my hair and my makeup are almost exactly how it was for my first date with Harry. I tear my gaze away from the mirror and make my way back to my room to look for my shoes.

“You look great, Lily.”

I sit on the bed beside Ed and put my shoes on. “Thanks.” I smile at him and observe his suit. “You, too.” And then I glance down at his converse shoes. “And those shoes are the perfect touch.”

We laugh as we stand up. I grab my clutch from my dresser and take one last glance in the mirror before I follow Ed out to the hallway.

“Stuart called while you were in the bathroom. They’re waiting outside.”

“Alright.” We head out and make our way downstairs.

We get in the car and head to the O2 Stadium. Once we arrive, we see that we’re waiting in line behind a bunch of other black SUV’s. We finally arrive to the front of the line and see millions of flashes going off from outside the window.

“You ready?” Ed asks.

I take a deep breath and nod. “Yeah.”

“Just say ‘no comment’ when they ask you something you don’t want to answer.”

I nod again. I know he’s talking about questions directed to me about Harry. I bet a million dollars that there will be at least one person that will ask me about him.

Ed smiles at me and holds his hand out. “Let’s go.”

I take his hand and he opens the door, stepping out onto the red carpet. Ed helps me out before I let go of his hand to straighten my dress. I hear a bunch of screams as the fans see Ed waving to them.

I stay by Ed’s side as we make our way down the red carpet. He signs some autographs and takes pictures as I watch from the side. I see paparazzi taking pictures of me but I dismiss them. I hear some of them asking for pictures with Ed and I so he gestures for me to come stand beside him and he rests his hand on my back. I smile for the cameras and let them take the pictures.

One reporter is asking for Ed’s attention and he makes his way over to him. I follow and stand a little bit behind him.

“Ed, how’s your new album coming along?” the reporter asks.

“It’s good. Working hard on it. I really want to get it out as fast as I can for the fans but I want to make sure that it’s perfect. It’s coming along and I think the fans will enjoy it. There’ll be a lot of the same style on it but a few of the songs are different but I’m sure that they’ll like it.”

“That’s great. Can’t wait to hear it.” Suddenly, I see the reporter look over at me. “This is your friend, right? Lily Benson?”

I tense in my spot and force the smile to remain on my face. Ed glances at me from over this shoulder and gives me a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, she beat me up forcing me to take her to the Brit Awards.”

A more genuine smile appears on my face as I take a step forward to stand right beside him. We smile and the reporter laughs.

“I’m just kidding. She’s visiting me for the summer so I wanted to bring her along.”

“How long have you guys known each other?”

“About 15 years,” Ed answers, nodding.

“So, you guys have been pictured together a lot recently. And now that you’ve told me that she’s visiting for the summer, I guess we can rule out that there’s nothing romantic going on between the two of you?”

Ed and I laugh and this time, I take the opportunity to answer.

“No, no. We’re just friends. I’d say we have more of a brother-sister relationship. Absolutely nothing more than that.”

The reporter smiles and nods. “Alright, I understand. I see a lot of tabloids out there saying that you two are an item so I just wanted to clear up those rumours.”

“Well, that’s great of you. Usually, reporters asks questions to make up more rumours so both of us are glad that you’re clearing it up for everyone.”

“It’s my pleasure.” He turns to me. “Now, Lily, if you don’t mind me asking. Can you clear up the cheating rumours between you and Harry?”

He holds the microphone in front of me and I freeze, my smile slowly fading.

“Um.” Here I thought that he would be a decent reporter but now he’s gone and asked me a personal question. I guess he just asked about me and Ed to transition the focus on me and Harry. How smart of him.

I glance over at Ed and he gives me a nod. I turn back to the reporter and smile.

“No comment.”

The reporter opens his mouth to ask another question but we’re interrupted by a chorus of loud screams.

The three of us, including everyone else around us, turn our heads to the side where the cars are dropping everyone off. We see two cars open before I see Niall and Liam hop out of the car, instantly waving out to the crowd.

Niall brought his dad as his plus one and Liam brought his friend, Andy. Perrie and Eleanor told me last week that him and Sophia had broken up. I felt bad because I thought they were great together.

Next, Louis steps out and holds his hand out to help Eleanor out of the car. Zayn does the same thing in the other car with Perrie.

The screams are getting louder and louder each second.

My heart starts beating harder and faster in my chest as the last person steps out of the car. The second that I see him, my breath catches in my throat and I feel every nerve in my body ignite. He waves to the crowd and gives them his signature dimpled smile.

I have no idea how he does it but seeing him smile causes the ends of my lips to tug up slightly. The dimples and the way his eyes light up as he smiles makes it hard for anyone not to smile at it.

However, my smile quickly fades and my heart drops in my stomach as I see him hold his hand out and help someone out of the car.

I see the same girl from the pictures hop out of the car before she links her arm through his.

She looks absolutely beautiful and beside Harry, they look perfect.

I see Harry grimace for a second as she waves to the crowd but he quickly smiles as she looks back at him.

Ed and I stand off to the side, knowing that he wants to wait up for them. I see the boys take pictures for the cameras and they sign some pictures and take pictures with the fans.

Louis, Zayn and Harry each take pictures with their dates and I have to look away as Harry puts his hand around her waist and she places hers on his chest.

I see them all get together and make their way to us. I look up at the Eleanor and Perrie. They look warily at me but I give them a smile, letting them know that I was sorry.

I wanted to apologize to them for how I reacted at lunch the other day. I wanted to call them but I was afraid that they would be mad at me. But I feel a huge weight leave my shoulders as they return my smile.

But my smile disappears and every thought vanishes from my head as I look over and see Harry lock his gaze with mine.

I try to swallow the huge lump forming in my throat, as his gaze never leaves mine. I see him subtly rake his gaze up and down my body, surely aware of the dress that I was wearing.

I start to feel insecure, especially as his face remains hard and his jaw tenses. They finally reach us and Ed greets the rest of the boys and the girls. However, he ignores Harry’s presence as he goes back to stand beside me.

I finally take my eyes away from Harry’s piercing gaze before I smile over at everyone else. I give all of the boys a hug, including Andy. Niall introduces me to his dad before I turn to Perrie and Eleanor. I have a feeling that Louis and Zayn are aware of the fight because they start having a conversation with everyone else, tearing the focus away from us.

I walk up to Perrie and Eleanor and give them a smile.

No one says anything for a few seconds and then we all open our mouths.

“I’m sorry!” all three of us say at the same time. We all look at each other with a smile before we all laugh. I take each of their hand and take a step closer to them.

“I’m so sorry for the way I reacted.”

“No, we’re sorry for being so insensitive. We forgot how you must’ve been feeling, and we realized how you must’ve felt hearing us tell you to…” She glances over at everyone else, making sure that they weren’t listening. “…apologize to Harry. It wasn’t our place to tell you what to do.”

I shake my head. “No, you guys were right. I was just in denial that I did something wrong. I was wrong. I made a mistake and I have to take responsibility for it. So…that’s why I’ve decided to talk to him tonight.”

They look at me with wide eyes. “Really? How? When?” Perrie asks.

“Hopefully I’ll have an opportunity at the after party tonight. Ed talked some sense into me.” I roll my eyes and smile. “Like he always ends up doing.”

They smile back at me. “Well, we’re glad that you’re taking the high road here.” Eleanor glances at Harry. “If Harry doesn’t appreciate what you’re going to do, then he’s an arse and he doesn’t deserve anything else from you.”

I just nod at them.

“Shall we go?” Eleanor asks.

Perrie and I nod as we make our way back to everyone else. I stand beside Ed and we’re about to walk away when someone speaks up.

“Harry, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”

I look up at the annoyingly squeaky voice that just spoke. I look up at Harry’s girlfriend as she gives me an innocent smile. However, I can see the threat in her eyes as she looks down at me. She must be a model because she’s taller than me.

I see Harry narrow his eyes at the girl before he takes a deep breath and looks back at me.

He clears his throat. “Ivana, this is Lily. Lily, this is Ivana.”

“His girlfriend,” she quickly adds as she holds her hand out.

I raise an eyebrow at her as I look between her and her stupid, perfect hand. I can see everyone looking at me from the corner of my eyes.

Before I can make it any more awkward, I force a smile on my face and shake her hand. I can feel her squeeze a little bit harder than normal but I slightly smirk as she winces for a millisecond when I squeeze back harder.

I take my hand back and place it on my side.

“We should probably head in. It’s going to start soon,” Liam says.

We all agree and turn around to make our way inside the stadium.

“Are you okay?” I look up to see Ed looking at me worriedly.

I nod. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

We walk inside and make our way to the table. All of the guys are seated at one table with their dates and Andy and Niall’s dad, and Ed and I are seated at the one beside theirs.

As we’re settling in our seats, a group of four guys head over to our table. Ed stands up and greets them before he gestures to me.

“This is my friend, Lily. Lily, these are my friends Ashton, Michael, Calum and Luke. They’re in a band. They opened for the guys on their last tour.”

I stand up and shake their hands.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” I say.

I shake Ashton’s hand last. “She’s just a friend, right, Ed?” he smirks, causing me to blush.

Ed pulls my hand out of Ashton’s grasp. “Yes. And the same thing goes for you. Hands off.”

I know that he’s just joking around as he playfully shoves him. Ashton holds his hands out in front of him and laughs.

“Alright, alright.”

Suddenly, a sound comes over the entire stadium.

Everyone, please take your seats. The show will start in 10 minutes.

We take our seats and Ashton sits in the seat beside me, the rest of the guys sitting in the seats around the table beside Ashton.

“So, what’s your band called?” I ask, deciding to start up a conversation before the show starts.

“5 Seconds of Summer.”

“Cool. And what style is your music?”

“We’re pop punk.”

I nod, trying to put on the most interested face I can put together.

He laughs. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll like it once you hear a couple of our songs.”

I laugh as I blush. He could probably tell how hard I was trying to seem interested. It’s not like I don’t like pop punk, it’s just not my favourite.

“Yeah, I’ll definitely check it out sometime.”

Suddenly, he takes out his phone and a pair of headphones from his other pocket.

“Here, you can listen to one before the show starts.”

“Alright.” He hands me one of the earbuds and I put it in my ear.

He clicks on a song called She Looks So Perfect with a picture of the four of them showing in the middle of the screen.

I hear the sound of an electric guitar ring through my ear before the chorus of multiple voices sing “Hey”.

The drums kick in as the sound picks up.

“I play the drums.”

I nod as he smiles at me.

Soon, someone starts singing and we listen to the whole song.

I admit, the song was really catchy. It’s not what I usually listen to but I can’t say that it’s bad.

I actually like it. It’s the right amount of punk and pop.

When the song finishes, I take the earbud out and hand it back to him.

“Well, what’s the verdict, Simon Cowell?”

I laugh and rest my arms on the table.


He looks at me expectantly.

“It was good. Really catchy.”

“Just ‘good’. Come on,” he teases as he laughs out loud. His laugh is contagious and I find myself laughing with him.

“Alright, it was really good. I liked it more than I thought I would. I usually don’t like punk music but I actually enjoyed it. And the drumming was amazing.”

His smile grows and I see a hint of a blush appear on his cheeks.

“Thanks.” He leans his arms on the table as well. “So, what do you do? Are you in school?”

“Yeah, I’m in university taking music and English.”

His eyebrows rise in interest. “Really? You’re into music? Do you sing?”

I nod. “Yeah, I sing and play the guitar and I write my own music.”

“Wow, that’s great. What kind of music do you play?”

“I like acoustic. My style is similar to Ed’s but I just play in the confines of my room.”

He laughs. “That’s cool. I’d love to hear you sometime.”

I blush, aware that he was flirting with me. But I knew better than to get involved with another member of a band.

“Maybe you will one day,” I reply.

He’s about to say something but someone appears beside us and clears their throat.

Ashton and I look up to see Harry and Ivana standing beside us. Ivana looks incredibly annoyed and I can’t help but find it amusing.

“Um…Ashton, Niall wanted to talk to you so I offered to switch seats with you and Michael,” Harry says. He avoids my gaze and just looks at Ashton.

Ashton’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as he looks between Harry and Niall, who’s deep in conversation with Liam at the other table.

“Uh, just tell him that I’ll talk to him later.” Ashton looks back at me but I notice that Harry still hasn’t moved.

“And…I, uh, need to talk to Calum.”

Ashton starts to look annoyed and now, he’s looking between me and Harry. I’m sure he knows about the two of us, seeing as it’s all over the news and I assume that they’re good friends since they did tour together.

“Harry, can you just talk to him later?” Ivana whines beside him. Harry ignores her and continues to look at Ashton.

Ashton looks at me and I just shrug.

He takes a deep breath and pushes his chair back. “We’ll talk again later?”

I smile and nod. “Yeah, of course. Maybe I can convince someone to switch seats with me for a bit. I wanted to talk to the girls as well.”

He smiles back. “Perfect. I’ll talk to you later.”

I see Harry roll his eyes as Ashton stands up with Michael before they make their way over to the other table.

I tense as I sit forward on my seat again. Harry hesitates as he stands behind the chair beside me but Ivana quickly pulls it back and sits down. Harry frowns but takes the seat between her and Calum. Ivana is practically draping herself around Harry and I roll my eyes and turn towards Ed, wanting to save my eyes from looking at the constant sour expression on her face.

The show starts with the Arctic Monkeys.

I’m so into the performance that I didn’t even notice that Harry was looking at me until I sneak a glance at him from the corner of my eyes. He doesn’t even pay attention to the girl - or should I say the koala - that’s clinging to him.

I try to keep my eyes on either the stage or at Ed as I tell him how much fun I’m having, thanking him for taking me here.

About half an hour later, a video starts playing on the huge screen. It’s a video of the boys and I know that it’s for the Global Success Award.

I see the beautiful Rosie Huntington-Whiteley walk up the stage to the microphone. She introduces the boys and they stand up from their seats.

I make the mistake of looking up at Harry as Ivana stands up and kisses him. I look away but the image is burned into my memory even as I look down at the table. I clap along with everyone as the boys walk up and say their speech as they accept the award before they make their way back to their seats.

“Baby, you looked so great up there,” her shrill voice rang through my ears. I roll my eyes.

She should be congratulating him on winning the award, not how he looked. I know that that’s what I would’ve done if I were in her place.

I shake my head, ridding myself of those thoughts.

“Congratulations, Harry.” I seem to have surprised not only myself but half of the table as well, as Harry, Ed and Ivana stare at me.

But it’s Harry gaze that I return. We’re locked in a heated gaze before a smile appears on his face.

He nods. “Thanks, Lily.”

I can see Ivana looking between the two of us, her jaw clenched.

I give him one last smile before I look away and face the stage.

Apart from when Harry introduced me to Ivana, this is the first time that we’ve said something to each other.

I just congratulated him and I found it incredibly difficult.

How the hell do I expect myself to talk to him tonight like I plan to?




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