Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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46. Answers

Harry’s POV

I allow myself to watch Lily sleep on the other side of the couch in the living room. After we had played some more songs, I could tell that Lily was getting sleep. At around five in the morning, I told her that she should get some sleep. But I knew that she was still scared from the movie so I said that I would stay with her in the living room.

I would’ve held her in my arms but I know that Lily wouldn’t be happy with that. I can tell that she’s starting to get uncomfortable with me; when I had tried to hold her hand and when I tried to kiss her. That’s why I let her sleep on the other side of the couch and I sat beside her, sacrificing my sleep so that I can watch her sleep.

I don’t know why I tried kissing her. I think it was the song she wrote about me. It made me feel hopeful, especially the line ‘and every part of me will never go back, it’s what you started in me, you better know I'm all yours’. She is all mine and I am all hers. Every part of that song healed my heart but broke it at the same time. I never realized how much I had saved her, how special I was to her and that just made me feel more like shit about myself. How could I ruin something as perfect as what we had?

Even after all of the shit I’ve put her through, she still sees me as a good person. I don’t deserve her but she’s the only one I want. No one will be able to replace her. I know that no one will make me as happy as she did, as she still does.

I just want to be with her right now. I have to do something about it or I’m going to lose my freaking mind. Every second that I can’t hold her, kiss her, tell her how much she means to me, it’s like I’m wasting my time. I loved doing those things for her.

I have to do something. But what?

I look down at my watch and see that it’s almost eight in the morning. There’s no point in trying to sleep anymore so I might as well do something. I need to find out when that damn contract ends. I need to talk to Tom.

I leave a little note on the table in front of Lily, telling her that I’m going out and that I’d be back really quick. I get up and head out of the house, sending Louis a similar text. I go in my car and drive to Tom’s office.

I drive anxiously, wondering what’s going to happen. I need to know when the contract ends. I’m hoping it’s soon. I’m hoping it’s today.

I park in the parking lot, avoiding the paparazzi surrounding me. I walk inside the building and head up to Tom’s office. I see him behind his desk, typing on his computer. He glances up at me once I step through the door.

“Harry. What brings you here?” He focuses back on the computer screen and it just annoys me even more. I don’t bother to sit down so I just stand in front of his desk.

“When does the contract end?”

He looks back at me, pushing his keyboard into the desk. Now I have his attention.

“What do you mean?”

“When does the stupid contract end?”

He raises an eyebrow at me. I know that I’m sounding like a prick right now but I just really need to know. I cross my arms in front of me, not letting him intimidate me.

“And why would you like to know?”

“Because I have the right to know how long I have to live in misery. I don’t want it anymore. I can’t stand her. It was a stupid decision and I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I just want out.”

He laughs dryly.

“Harry, there’s nothing I can do. You signed the contract. You can’t get out of it.”

“Then just tell me when it ends!” I was getting more and more frustrated by the second. I just needed a damn answer.

“Don’t take that tone with me, Styles.” He pauses, his face softening as he looks back at me. “Look, I’m not a monster so I don’t want you to be unhappy. I wish I could do something but I can’t.”

I take a deep breath. I feel bad for taking it out on him but I’m desperate. I’m desperate to have Lily back.

“Just…tell me when it ends. Please.”

He exhales, observing me for a few seconds before he pulls out his keyboard again.

“I’ll check.” He types away on the keyboard, his eyes flying across the screen.

I wait impatiently in my spot and I finally sit down to calm my nerves. I look up when he takes a deep breath.

“Well, it says here that the contract ends on August 21st. I’ll talk to Ivana’s people and see if there’s anything that I can do for you but I don’t think it’s possible. But I will try. And I’ll let you know.”

August 21st. That’s more than a damn month from now. I don’t think I can survive another day with Ivana.

I nod. “Al…alright. Thank you, Tom. I appreciate it.”

I stand up and turn around.

“Look, I know how much you care for the Lily girl. I know what happened and I was going to stop you from signing that contract. Now, I really wish I had. I’ll do my best so that you can have her back. I can tell how happy you were with her. The fans love her, definitely more than they like Ivana. I want what’s best for you.”

I look over my shoulder at him and smile. “Thank you, Tom.”

I leave it at that and leave his office. I go back to my car and drive back to Louis’ place.

August 21st.

That’s near the end of the summer. The time that Lily would need to leave for school. When the contract ends, there’s the possibility of Lily already being gone. Even if she were still here, it wouldn’t be enough time to show her how much I want her back, how much I love her. It’s not enough time to win her back.

Now, I need to know when Lily is planning on going back home. I need to know what my chances are of being able to show her how sorry I am and that I want her back.

I pull into Louis’ driveway, glancing at the time, seeing that it’s almost ten. Hopefully, Lily will be awake. But I wouldn’t mind if she was still sleeping so that I can continue to watch her.

I step into the house. It’s quiet so I’m assuming that Louis and Eleanor are still sleeping. I walk into the living room and see Lily sitting on the couch, watching TV. She looks up at me when she hears me walking in and she gives me her breathtaking smile.

“Good morning,” she says.

“Morning, Lily.”

I sit beside her, growing nervous at the question that I’m about to ask her.

“Thank you for staying with me,” she says. I look over at her and she still has that smile on her face. I return it with one of my own.

“No worries.” I pause as Lily turns her attention back to the TV. “Um…what are your plans for today?”

She shrugs. “Not sure. I don’t know if I should go back to Ed’s place and talk to him. I have no idea how he’s going to be and I don’t want to ruin my day. I might ask Eleanor if she wants to do something today once she wakes up. How about you?”

“Nothing at all.” I fidget in my seat, wondering if she would be okay with spending the day with me. “Would…would you wanna do something with me today?”

She looks over at me, a solemn expression on her face.

“I mean, it doesn’t just have to be the two of us. We can ask Louis and Eleanor if they want to join. It’s just…I’ve missed you and I need to make up for lost time.”

I relax as a smile appears on her face.

“I would love that. But are you sure that Ivana will be okay with it? I know I keep bringing her up and I’m not throwing it in your face. I’m just worried that I’m going to cause problems between the two of you.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s fine. She’s in Paris for the week. Even if she were here, I wouldn’t let her stop me from hanging out with you. Don’t worry about her.”

She gives me a nervous smile and nods. “Okay. I guess we’ll just wait for Louis and Eleanor now.”

She turns back to the TV and I can see her biting her lip to hold back her smile. I wish she wouldn’t hide it. I sure as hell would never hide a smile caused by her. Like she’s doing for me right now.

However, the anxiousness creeps into my chest as I remember the new piece of information that I learned this morning from Tom.

“Hey, Lily?”

“Hm?” She looks back at me, my heart thumping against my chest in anticipation.

“Do…do you know when you have to leave for school?”

Her face falls and she looks down at her lap.

“I…I was going to tell everyone today. Um…my parents come back from their trip at the end of August so I want to spend some time with them before I start school again. So…I’m leaving August 22nd.”

It’s like someone pulled the ground from underneath me. I can never seem to have anything in my favour.

One day. One freaking day that I’m given after that stupid contract ends. One day to try to win her back. I try to hide my frustration so I force a smile on my face.

Even though I wish I had more than one day to win her heart back, I’ll take it. I’ll take one day over nothing. And I’m going to make damn sure that I try my hardest in that one day. I’m not going to give up.

“I wish I could stay longer but I haven’t seen my parents since April and back then, I was locking myself in my room dealing with my breakup.”

I look back at her. “No, I understand. Family comes first. We’re just going to have to make this last month the best.”

She smiles at me, looking slightly calmer. “I’ve already had a great summer. Well, most of it. But the great moments I had, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My summer is definitely going by too fast.”

I’m overridden with guilt when she mentions her not-so-great moments. I wish I could take it back. I only want her to experience great moments. I took away part of her summer, causing her hurt and pain over my stupid mistakes.

Her hand suddenly rests on mine. “Hey, stop that. I know you’re making yourself feel guilty. But, trust me when I say that the wonderful memories I made, most of them with you, are more than enough to put those bad memories in the back of my mind.”

My heart lifts in my chest at her words. This is what she does to me. She can make me forget about my worries with just a few reassuring words. She’s the only one that’s been able to do that. I long to have that back in my life.

I nod and she smiles.

We hear a door open upstairs before Louis and Eleanor appear on the stairs. They’re changed from their pajamas.

“Morning, Lily, Harry,” Eleanor says as they reach the bottom of the stairs. They sit down on the other couch.

“Good morning,” Lily and I say at the same time. We glance at each other and smile.

“Lily and I wanted to do something today. Did you guys want to join?” I ask.

They look at each other before looking back at me.

“We’re free in the afternoon but it’s my cousin’s birthday tonight so Louis and I are going to attend. We can do something before then,” Eleanor answers.

I nod. “Perfect. What do you guys want to do?”

“Doesn’t matter. We can have an early lunch and then shop at Westfield Mall,” Louis says.

“Yeah, that sounds good. Is that okay with you, Lily?”

She seems startled with my question, seeming to put her on the spot, but I just want to make sure that she’s okay with it. I want to make sure that she’s going to enjoy it.

Damn, I’m so whipped.

“Um. Yeah, that sounds great. I’ll just go change.” She stands up and I almost stand up with her. But I stop myself, realizing how ridiculous that would be.

She looks over at Eleanor. “Hey, El. Would I be able to borrow some clothes?”

Eleanor stands up. “Yeah, of course. Here, follow me.”

The two girls go upstairs, going into her room before I hear a door close.

“You’re like a damn puppy around her.”

I look over at Louis, realizing that I watched Lily walk all the way from the living room before she disappeared upstairs.

Louis is looking at me with a smirk and I feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I avoid his gaze, hearing him chuckle at me.

“Well, for one, you wouldn’t take your eyes off of her when she went upstairs and yesterday morning when we were at Zayn’s. You made sure to ask her whether she was okay with our plans today. You “protected” her during the movie last night. And you made sure to stay with her here last night after she couldn’t sleep from the movie.”

I look up at him, confused at how he knew.

“When you were gone, I went to check up on Lily and she told me,” he explains.

I slump over, knowing that I can’t argue with Louis now.

“And those are just the things that’s happened in the past 24 hours. Mate, you’re whipped.”

I groan and cover my face with my hands. “Is it that obvious?”

He laughs. “More obvious than if someone was narrating everything you’re doing.”

I look at him and narrow my eyes, causing him to laugh again.

“Why are you even like this with her? Aren’t you with Ivana?” I could see the annoyance in his eyes as he said ‘Ivana’. And it didn’t bother me at all. I guess I’m not the only one that finds her annoying.

Should I tell Louis the truth? Will he understand? Will he be mad? Will he tell everyone? Will he tell Lily?

I trust him in keeping it a secret. I just don’t know how he’s going to take it.

“Can…can I tell you something?” I say.

His face suddenly turns serious at my tone. I play with my fingers, trying to hide my shaking hands.

“What is it?”

“I want you to promise me that you won’t tell anyone. Not even Eleanor. Especially Eleanor.”

His eyebrows pull together. “I promise, mate. What is it?”

I take a deep breath.

“I know you’re going to be upset with me but just understand that I was hurt and I wasn’t thinking. I regret doing it and I wish I could take it back.”

Louis just sits patiently.

“I…My relationship with Ivana isn’t real. I signed a contract stating that we had to be in a fake relationship until the end of August.”

I can see Louis slowly put it all together in his head.

“Why, Harry?” he scolds.

“I…I was hurt and I wanted to hurt Lily for what I thought she did. I thought she cheated on me so I did the same thing. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was stupid and selfish. I wish I never did it.”

I observe Louis’ features, watching it change back and forth between disappointment and understanding. I wouldn’t even be upset if he was disappointed in me. I know I deserve it.

“Louis, I know I’m a horrible person for doing that but I was hurt. I was so in love with her so when I thought she cheated on me, it gave me the worst feeling in the world. I still love her and I just want her back.”

He whips his head up to me. “So why don’t you break up with Ivana already?”

I’m not sure if Louis’ tone is out of anger or hopefulness but I just answer his question.

“Because the contract says that I can’t break up with her, only she can do that. The contract ends on August 21st but I found out today that Lily is leaving on the 22nd. I’m scared, Louis. I’m scared I’m going to lose her. I can’t. I can’t lose her.”

Louis gets up and sits beside me. “It’s okay, Harry. Calm down. It’ll be okay.”

I hadn’t realized that I was starting to panic in my seat. I can see my hands shaking even harder and I clasped them, forcing them to stop. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths before I look back up at Louis.

“I can’t lose her, Louis. I love her so much,” I say, much calmer.

Pity and sympathy play in Louis’ features as he gives me a small smile.

“I know you do. I was actually mad at you at one point for what you did, for breaking up with her the way you did after you thought she cheated on you.”

Of course Eleanor would tell him everything that Lily most definitely told her. And I’m not angry with anyone for it. I deserve their hard feelings towards me right now.

“And I was even more annoyed with you once I met…Ivana.” A grimace appears on his face and I have to force myself not to laugh. He doesn’t know how miserable she makes me and I have a feeling that I’m going to be venting to him soon about how much I loathe my fake girlfriend.

“What do I do, Louis?” I ask, looking at him with pleading eyes, hoping that he’ll know what to do.

He shrugs. “There’s nothing you can do. At least not right now. You’re in a contract and you know how strict those things are. You should know that by now. All you can do right now is be there for Lily as a friend. Eleanor told me about Lily’s morals against cheating so I know that she would be even more upset with you if you tried anything on her while you’re still with Ivana. Just…be friends with her and see how things go. Hopefully, Ivana will do some good in this world and break up with you but I highly doubt she will. But until that contract ends, you’re going to have to do your hardest to accept what you got yourself into.”

I take in everything Louis tells me. I know I shouldn’t try anything on Lily while I’m still with Ivana. I know how against she is with cheating. And I know that I have to accept the repercussions of my irrational decisions. I can’t make excuses or get out of it without experiencing the consequences of my actions.

“Should I tell her?” I ask Louis. He remains silent as he looks back at me. “Should I tell Lily the truth about Ivana?”

I don't know which answer I’m hoping he’ll say, to tell her or keep it from her.

“I don’t know, mate. I want you two back together as much as you do and I’m sure that if she finds out about it from someone else, she’ll lose her trust and respect for you. But, at the same time, I’m not sure how she’s going to react if you do tell her the truth yourself. There’s a chance that she won’t find out but how are you going to feel knowing that you’re keeping it from her? Main question is do you think that you should tell her?”

I think over the question carefully. If I don’t tell her and she finds out, she’s never going to forgive me and she’ll want nothing to do with me anymore. But if I do tell her, there’s still the possibility of the same thing happening.

Before I can make a final decision, a door upstairs opens. Light laughter travels around the house as Lily and Eleanor make their way back downstairs.

I look at Louis and he gives me an understanding smile. I know that Louis is going to keep this between us. We’ve gone through a lot together so he knows when something is important to me.

“Are you guys ready to go?”

I look up at Eleanor as her and Lily wait for us at the bottom of the stairs. Louis and I stand up and walk up to them. Louis takes Eleanor’s hand and they lead the way out of the house. I stand silently beside Lily, the conversation that I just had with Louis making me anxious around her.

“We’ll follow behind you,” I say. Since Louis and Eleanor have her cousin’s birthday to go to after, it’s safer to take a separate car in case they need to leave. I open the door for Lily to get in, helping her by allowing her to hold my hand in support. She gives me a smile just as I close the door. I walk around the car, hopping into my seat and buckling my seatbelt as I turn on the car.

The car is silent as we follow Louis’ car. I debate on whether I should turn on the radio or attempt to strike up a conversation with her. I have no idea why I’m suddenly so nervous around her now. We were fine before I had the conversation with Louis. Maybe I’m just being paranoid that she’s going to find out now but nothing’s any different than as it was before. Louis just knows now.

I still don’t know whether I should tell her the truth between Ivana and I. I decide that I’m going to allow myself at least until tomorrow to put it off. I want to spend the day today with Lily with no distractions, no drama and no thoughts about my horrible mistakes.

I finally decide on turning on the radio but I keep it at a low volume. I look over at her once we’re stopped at a red light.

“So…where did your parents go for their vacation?”

She looks over at me, seeming more relaxed now that I’ve started talking.

“They went to Greece. They’ve always wanted to go there,” she answers with a smile.

I focus back on the road once the light turns green, continuing to follow Louis’s car.

“Have you been there?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “No, but I’ve always wanted to. Not as much as Paris though.” She chuckles and I smile at her.

I’m brought back to memories of Paris. The start of the whirlwind of horrible memories. Apart from the fact that I had planned out a romantic weekend just for the two of us in Paris and it all went to waste, the worst part was thinking that Lily had cheated on me, which was the start of my stupid decisions.

“How about you?”

I’m brought out of my thoughts as I glance at her quickly.

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to go there. I’m planning on taking my family there sometime.”

“That’s great. You should.” She smiles at me before she looks back out the front window.

I almost blurt out that the place that I want to go to the most is anywhere with her but then I’m reminded of the conversation I had with Louis. I need to be here for Lily as a friend. I can’t be saying these kinds of things to her while I’m still with Ivana. I’m just going to keep pushing her away and that’s not what I want.

I have to try my hardest to keep my feelings for her at bay. Lily wants us to be friends and I have to respect that. If I want her to know of my true feelings then I have to tell her the truth between Ivana and I. It’s only then that she’ll know that Ivana and I aren’t really together. But even then, she still wouldn’t want to act on either of our feelings because the rest of the world thinks that Ivana and I are actually together and she wouldn’t ever want to be known as someone who I cheated on my girlfriend with.

I know that Lily wants us to tell each other everything from now on, but I find myself going towards the decision of keeping the truth from Lily.

She’s going to hate me if I tell her. When she had asked me whether I only got together with Ivana just to hurt her, I could see the fear in her eyes. I could tell that she was waiting for the pain that was going to come if she was right.

She was right though but I lied to her.

I can’t lose her again. I just got her back and I don’t want to f*ck up anymore.

I’m just going to have to wait until the contract ends before I tell her. And hopefully, she won’t want to kill me. Hopefully, she’ll give me yet another chance that I know I don’t deserve. Hopefully, she won’t hate me.

Hopefully, she listen and realize that I still love her and will do anything to have her back.

 

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