Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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49. Amsterdam

Harry’s POV

“Just text him!” I laugh. Niall and I were waiting for Liam in his driveway and Niall was starting to get a little impatient.

“Too lazy.”

I shake my head and I’m about to text Liam that we were here but Niall decides to take a much more obnoxious route and leans over and slams his hand over the wheel three times, the car honk echoing around Liam’s neighbourhood.

“Niall!” I swat his hand away. I can tell he’s getting more impatient as I watch him getting antsy in his seat.

I start typing out a message to Liam but he appears at the front door, looking annoyed at us, most definitely because of Niall making our presence known to everyone within a mile of us.

Liam opens the car door and gets inside.

“Harry, why the hell did you honk like that?” he exclaims.

I start reversing out of the driveway. “Hey, that wasn’t me. That was Niall. You know how he is when he’s hungry.”

I start driving on the road and turn down the radio.

“You could’ve just texted me.”

“That’s what I told him,” I defend.

“No, you didn’t,” Niall adds.

“Yes, I did!”

“Nope.”

“Okay, stop it. We haven’t even been together for one minute and you two are already getting on my nerves,” Liam says.

“It’s a good thing we’re watching a movie. No one will be allowed to talk,” I say.

**

Boy, was I wrong. I place a hand over my eyes, hoping that it’ll hide me from the annoyed glances being shot our way from the other people in the theatre with us. Niall commented on every scene. Every scene.

We chose to watch 22 Jump Street and at first, Niall would just laugh but then he would add his own commentary for the entire theatre to hear.

“Niall, shut up!” I forcefully whisper.

Liam was smart enough to sit away from us but I couldn’t find myself to ditch Niall and leave him all by himself. However, as he continues to talk, I find myself wanting to join Liam to the side of the theatre. I’m used to Niall’s talkativeness but I feel so bad for everyone else who paid to peacefully watch a movie.

Thankfully, Niall seems to calm down about halfway through the movie, only letting his infamous laugh reverberate around the theatre. I find myself laughing along with him and the rest of the audience. The movie was freaking hilarious.

Once the movie ends, we stand up and start making our way down to the exit. Liam joins us a second later.

“Hey, where’d you go?” Niall asks.

Liam’s eyes widen and I bite my lip to hold back a laugh.

“Oh…I-I went to the bathroom and couldn’t find my seat when I came back.”

I look over at Niall and his eyebrows scrunch in confusion but then it softens. “Oh, okay. So, what do you guys want to do now?”

Liam and I exchange glances. He punches me on my arm just as I’m about to laugh. Trust gullible Niall to believe Liam’s lies.

I cough, attempting to cover up the laugh. “I think I’m gonna head home. I’m a bit tired. I can drop you guys off wherever you guys want to go.”

Niall and Liam decide where they want to go while my thoughts bring me back to the one that I’ve been trying to distract myself from. I wonder what she’s doing. Is she having fun? Is she distracting herself like I am? Is she thinking of me?

I have no idea and I won’t get a chance to know until she wants to see me again. Eleanor had called me while I was waiting for Niall, telling me what Lily had told her and that she would be going to Amsterdam this weekend. I think it’ll be nice for her. I know she’ll have fun. She gets back on Sunday so hopefully, she’ll get the breaks she needs and she’ll want to see me again.

I’m relieved that Lily accepted my apology. I really thought that she was angry with me, hated me, even. I know that I can’t f*ck it up anymore from now on. She’s given me so many chances and I’m afraid that this is the last one that I’m going to be granted. I won’t mess this up.

That’s why I’m respecting her wishes and giving her the space she needs. I don’t want to push her away. I need her to be around me in any way that I can get, whether it’s as a friend or as something more.

“Harry?”

I’m snapped out of my thoughts, realizing that I was staring absentmindedly at my car. I look over at Liam and force a smile on my face. I can see the worry and curiousity tracing his features but I turn and walk around to the driver’s side.

“Sorry.”

I unlock the car and we all get in. They had decided to go to a club so I silently drive them, only responding when they ask me questions. I know I’m not being much fun right now but these past few days have been overwhelming and I don’t know what to think about with everything that’s happened.

I pull over to the front of the club. They get out, giving me a ‘thanks’ before they leave. I drive home, the feeling of loneliness intensifying as time passes. I glance at my phone, hoping for a message from Lily but I know not to expect one. She told Eleanor everything she wanted to tell me. I’m okay with that, I just wish that we had discussed it in person. Of course I would give her her space afterwards, I just wished that I could speak to her one last time before she leaves for Amsterdam.

There are a lot of things that I wish for right now but what I want the most is for Lily to take me back and that won’t happen if I keep screwing things up and doing things that only push her further away from me.

That’s why I decide to go home and go straight to bed, knowing it’s the only way to escape from reality.

**

Lily’s POV

“Are you okay?”

I take a deep breath once we’ve finally successfully taken off from the airport. I release my death grip on the armrest but I just loosen my hand in Ed’s hand and I open my eyes.

I nod. “Yeah. Flying just scares me a bit.”

I feel him squeeze my hand and he offers me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. It’ll only be an hour flight.”

I nod.

Ed and I are now on our way to Amsterdam. This week has gone by strangely slow and I don’t know whether it’s from the anticipation and excitement about going to Amsterdam or if it was doing day by day with no communication with one very important person in my life.

I always remind myself that this is good for us. We both need this to let certain things sink in. Hopefully this trip will allow me to finally get my head straight.

I went dress shopping with Eleanor and Perrie yesterday and thankfully, they didn’t mention Harry at all. I know that Eleanor has seen Harry since that day at the mall and I wouldn’t doubt that they’ve talked about me. I’m grateful that Eleanor seems to understand what I need and doesn’t ask me about him.

Suddenly, Ed leans over and looks out of the window. I keep my eyes away from it, not knowing what my reaction is going to be.

“Lily, look how beautiful it is from up here.”

I bite my lip and slowly move my gaze to the window. What I see is definitely one of the most breathtaking sights I have ever seen. Since our flight is ten in the evening, the night sky is all I can see from above us. However, when I start to look closer, I gasp as I see the twinkling lights from London slowly moving behind us. I lean closer and look down, searching for the London Eye. I realized that no matter where you see London, from the ground, from the London Eye, from Harry’s secret spot and from up here, it’s absolutely beautiful.

I have a grin plastered on my face the entire time I look out the window. I take in as much as I can, not knowing when I’ll get another chance to fly somewhere. It’s not until a flight attendant offers us a drink that I force my gaze away from the amazing view below the plane.

For the rest of the flight, Ed and I go over our plan for the weekend. Once we arrive in Amsterdam around 11 at night, we’re going to check into our hotel and sleep for the night. Tomorrow morning, we’re going to go for a little sightseeing and have lunch. After that, we would need to start getting ready for the movie premiere. I have my dress that Eleanor and Perrie helped pick out for me carefully tucked into my suitcase.

Ed is invited to the after party but I told him that I’ll see if I’m not too tired to go with him. Plus, I’d love to see Amsterdam at nighttime since we leave Sunday afternoon.

We land at the airport and I can feel the excitement intensifying in my body. I unbuckle my seatbelt as soon as we’re allowed and I practically push Ed so that we can get our carry-on bags and head out of the plane. We retrieve our suitcase from the luggage claim and we head out to the exit to see a black SUV waiting at the curb. Ed must know it’s for us because he walks up to it. The burly man standing by the car takes our suitcases and bags and places them in the trunk. Ed and I hop into the car and the man steps into the driver’s seat and drives off.

“Where are we staying?” I ask.

“A hotel about two blocks from the theatre.”

I just nod, looking out the window and taking in my surroundings. The pictures I looked up on Google do not do justice to what Amsterdam looks like in person. It’s gorgeous.

Soon enough, we’re pulling up in front of a hotel and we head out. Ed and I grab out bags and head inside. Ed walks up to the concierge and checks us in. He’s booked a room with two double beds, after I insisted that I did not need my own room for this trip. The less money he spends on me, the better I feel.

We make our way up to our room. Once we get inside, I drop my bags and quickly walk up to the window, realizing that we have a waterview. The lights from the lampposts and from the stars above reflect on the rippling water. I wish I could go out and go for a walk but then I suddenly realize how tired I am from the flight and from the fact that it’s almost midnight. It’ll have to wait for tomorrow night.

Ed somehow already managed to get ready for bed while I was gawking at the view.

“We should sleep soon if we want to get as much sightseeing tomorrow before we have to go to the premiere.”

I nod. “Yeah. Okay.”

I walk over to my suitcase and open it. I take my dress and hang it in the closet before I grab my toiletries and bring it with me to the bathroom. I decide to take a quick shower and change into a pair of shorts and a plain white shirt. I brush my hair and my teeth and walk out to see Ed already asleep in his bed. I quietly turn off the bathroom light and the light from the front door and tiptoe to my bed.

I grab my phone on the way and I slide under the covers and lie down. I realize that I forgot to turn my phone on after the flight so I press the power button. As it’s booting up, I start to feel anticipation prickling in my chest. Why am I hoping that a certain someone had sent me a text?

Of course I miss him but why do I find myself wanting to talk to him after I told him that we needed to spend time apart? I went all the way here to Amsterdam to do that so I need to do what I came here to do.

My phone finally turns on and I wait a few seconds to receive any texts that were sent while it was off.

My heart jumps into my throat once my phone receives one but then I see that it’s from Eleanor wishing me a safe trip and to have fun.

I quickly send a reply saying that we arrived safely and that were now in the hotel.

I feel kind of disappointed that he didn’t send me a text but then I realize that if he did send me a text, I might’ve been upset. I can’t have things both ways. And this just shows that Harry is really trying to be a good friend to me by respecting my wishes. That’s why he didn’t text me. I have to keep telling myself that and I smile as I do.

Deciding to let it go, I go on Twitter and update my followers that still seem to grow every day.

@LilyAbbott_xx: Just arrived in Amsterdam. It’s absolutely beautiful. Can’t wait for tomorrow! :) good night twitter world :*

My tweet instantly gets replies, favourites and retweets as soon as I send it. I decide to go through my timeline until I fall asleep. I favourite some tweets sent from One Direction fans and some of Ed’s fans.

Suddenly, something catches my eye. I stop scrolling and read a tweet from the one that I miss the most.

@Harry_Styles: Sometimes you have to be apart to realize how much you need each other.

My heart pounds in my chest at his semi-cryptic tweet. Who is it about?

Is he saying it about himself? Is he saying it about Ivana? She is in Paris for the week so maybe he misses her.

That thought tugs at my heart. I can’t believe that I thought that it would be about me.

But then, I see that he replied to his own tweet.

@Harry_Styles: It’s just another night and I’m staring at the moon and I thought of you. Can you see the stars over Amsterdam?

I stare at my phone, my hand shaking as I read over the tweet again and again.

The moon.

Amsterdam.

Ivana is not in Amsterdam.

I am.

I know that he’s quoting Ed’s song for The Fault in Our Stars that he wrote but why that song? He knows that I’m in Amsterdam and surely he’s aware that the moon symbolizes something special for the both of us. Ever since the first night that we spent together when we went on the London Eye, the moon has always reminded me of him. Is this tweet about us?

And does that mean that the first tweet is also about me?

Is he saying it about himself or about me?

Is he telling me that I’ll realize how much I need him with the space that I’m putting between us?

More questions are forming in my head. Suddenly, my notifications start going crazy. I go to the interactions page and see a lot of tweets with me and Harry tagged to them.

Most of them consisted of them speculating something happening between us.

Harry just tweeted about thinking about someone in Amsterdam and then Lily tweeted that she was there. Are they back together?

I thought that Harry and Ivana are still together. Harry tweeted about Amsterdam but Ivana’s in Paris.

Are Harry and Lily back together??

And more similar tweets came, some hoping that we were together and many more others hoping that we weren’t.

I go back to Harry’s profile. The more times I read it, the more confused I get. I’m not naïve, I know that these tweets are about me but why the hell did he tweet about me?

I repeat the mantra that I’ve been telling myself these past few days.

He’s with Ivana. He’s with Ivana. He’s with Ivana.

Maybe he was just listening to Ed’s song and he felt like tweeting some of the lyrics.

But why those certain lyrics? It could’ve been any other part of the song but he chose the one about the moon and about Amsterdam. And then his other tweet is about being apart from someone.

I feel like closing Twitter and going to sleep but then I decide to send one last, risky tweet.

@LilyAbbott_xx: You don’t always get what you want, or even what you need. I needed your heart but you gave it to someone else.

My thumb hovers over the send button. I take a deep breath and click on it. I know it’s a risky thing to say. I know that he’ll know it’s about him but I don’t care. His tweets are suggesting that something is happening between us or at least that there’s still hope for us. He needs to know that there are no more chances of us being together, even if he wasn’t with Ivana anymore.

I quickly turn off my phone and set it on the side table, not wanting to see how people will react. I know the fans will start to put things together, especially with both mine and Harry’s cryptic tweets that we just sent.

I also don’t want to see if Harry tweets something. I’m guessing he will but I decide to wait until tomorrow whether I want to see it or not.

**

“Where do you want to go to first?” Ed asks me from across the table as we eat breakfast at the hotel.

“I want to see downtown. Look around the little shops.”

He nods. “Sounds good. We’ll go after we finish eating.”

He laughs at me as I start to scarf down my pancakes and I throw a grape at him once he starts to eat slower.

“Hurry up or I’m going to go without you!”

He laughs again and quickly finishes his orange juice. We stand up, throwing away our plates and cups and walk arm in arm out of the hotel.

On the way out, we ask the concierge for a map on how to get to downtown, finding out that it’s only a 15-minute walk away from the hotel.

We head out and start our journey to downtown. We arrive and we window shop, going in if something catches our eye. I buy myself a couple of souvenirs and some for everyone else and I send a postcard to my parents. Of course I take a million pictures and have Ed take a million more of me in front of anything that I find pretty. We have lunch at a little Italian restaurant by the pier and we decide to head back to the hotel to get ready.

I take a shower first so that I have more time to get ready and while Ed’s taking a shower, I do my hair and my makeup. I try to remember how Perrie taught me to do my makeup and how Eleanor taught me to do my hair. I look in the mirror, feeling satisfied with my work before I walk over to the closet to get my dress. It’s an orange bodycon dress, to go with the Amsterdam colour. It’s not too fancy and not too casual for a movie premiere. I carefully put it on along with my black pumps.

Ed is still in the shower and we don’t have to leave for another half hour. I decide to take out my phone and sit on the bed to wait.

I’ve avoided going on Twitter the whole day but I can’t avoid it anymore. I open up Twitter and decide to read some tweets on my timeline first. Finally, I muster up as much courage as I can to go to Harry’s profile.

There’s only one new tweet since the ones I saw last night.

@Harry_Styles: I'm sorry if I say, "I need you." But I don't care. I'm not scared of love. 'Cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker. Is that so wrong?

A million different emotions pulse through my entire body, confusion, hurt, longing, pain, happiness…anger?

I know this is one of his own songs but again, why these certain lyrics? Of course it’s about me. Of course it’s in response to my tweet last night.

Is that so wrong?

Right now, there’s only one thought in my mind.

 

What the hell, Harry?

 

*****************************

 

Sorry for the long wait. I've had school and then I've been away for vacation. I'm still building up for the next exciting part, won't be too long. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon. Let me know what you guys thought!

15 more likes and 10 comments before i post the next chapter :)

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