Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


53. All Over Again

Harry’s POV

I don’t even care how desperate I seem. I don’t care what they think of me dropping off my “girlfriend” and then coming here just so I can see Lily again. Lunch today wasn’t enough. Yes, I got to see her but I just wanted it to be her. I didn’t want anyone else there. I just wanted to see her. Talk to her. Be around just her.

I don’t even wait for the elevator door to fully open before I step out and head towards Ed’s flat. I stand in front of the door, taking a deep breath. I’m about to knock on the door when a sound stops me.

Lily is laughing. The sound is music to my ears. I used to go out of my way just to find ways to make her laugh just so I can hear it. When she laughs, all I look at is her, relishing on how happy it makes me.

It’s not until I head Ed laughing along with her and then Lily squealing that the smile fades from my face.

“Ed, stop it!” she laughs. “Put me down!”

Put her down from where?

I lean closer to the door, hoping that Ed’s neighbours don’t come out and see me and call the police.

Lily and Ed are still laughing before it stops just as I hear a sound that sounds like someone falling onto a mattress. The couch?

Lily squeals again and then both of their laughter rings through the door.

What is going on?

I can hear their laughter slowly dying down until it’s completely silent. I lean ever closer to the door, my ear inches away from it.

I don’t hear any further sound so I reach my hand up, about to knock but the next sound makes my stomach drop and my heart strain in my chest.

Ed groans.

What the f*ck?

I take a step away from the door, staring at it, hoping that I’m somehow in front of the wrong door. But I’m not. This is Ed’s flat and I know that’s Lily’s laughter. The sound haunts me in my dreams, forever burnt in my memory.

I think about turning around and leaving, not wanting to know what the hell is happening behind that door but my body seems to have a minds of its own as I step forward and knock, a bit more louder and feverishly than usual.

I bite my lip in worry. What if I’m interrupting them? What if they’re rushing to put their clothes back on?

I shake my head.

How could I even think that? I can’t think about that. That thought makes me want to kick this door down just so I know that it’s not actually what they’re doing.

Finally, the door opens and the sight in front of me makes me feel happiness and fear at the same time. I look down at Lily, a smile spreading on her face when she sees me. However, when I take a good look at her, I see that her hair is messed up. When she opens the door fully, she fixes her shirt that was bunched up at her waist.

I’m at a loss of words. I look behind her and see Ed standing up from the couch, his hair just as messy and his shirt bunched up at the collar.

My heart starts to pound in my chest and my hands clench…in anger?

I look between them and I must look how I feel because Lily’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion.


I blink and settle my gaze on her. I attempt to calm myself down, taking a couple of really deep breaths.

“Harry, are you okay? What are you doing here?”

Ed remains in his spot but he’s looking over at us.

I look back at Lily and clear my throat.

“Um, Ivana had to go home…and I was wondering if you wanted to do something. I know that we were supposed to hang out today, just the two of us so…I thought that we could do something.”

My voice sounds strained. I clear my throat again but I keep my mouth shut and wait for her response.

She’s still looking at me with slight confusion and I think she’s about to tell me that she can’t, that she’s hanging out with Ed but then a smile erupts on her face and her eyes light up.

“Sure, I would love to. Um, what did you want to do?”

I bite my lip to tone down the smile that creeps on my face. “It doesn’t matter. What do you want to do?”

My smile falters and my heart drops when Lily looks behind her at Ed.

She turns back to me. “We can stay here and hang out, if you want.”

Of course she wants to stay here. She wants to stay here with Ed.

I force a smile on my face and shrug. “Sure…if you want.”

She looks at me carefully and I try to hide the disappointment and sadness in my eyes. I can feel her reading me, my expression, my body language.

“Or we can go out somewhere,” she suggests.

I don’t want to sound desperate and say ‘yes’ right away. I do, I really do. I just want it to be the two of us. I’ve been waiting for this day since she came back from Amsterdam, I’m entitled to be a little bit excited.

I shrug, attempting to seem neutral when, in reality, I’m excited as a freaking child on Christmas on the inside. “Yeah, sure.”

Her smile falters for a quick second and I mentally slap myself in the face, knowing that my passiveness threw her off. She recovers with a smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

I clear my throat and allow some of my excitement to show. “I mean, yes, that would be great.”

She just nods before she turns around and looks over at Ed. “Is that okay?” she asks him.

He nods as he smiles at her. “Yeah, of course. Do something about your hair though. It looks like shit right now.”

Lily just rolls her eyes with a grin on her face and takes a step to the side to stand in front of the mirror beside the door.

“And who’s fault was that?” she asks and Ed just chuckles in response.

I keep my eyes on her as she attempts to run her hands through her hair, fixing the mess made by…whatever they were doing before I knocked on the door. I see Ed appear behind her, looking at her through the reflection before he helps in fixing her hair. I bite my tongue and my jaw tenses as I watch them, unhappy with how natural and normal this is for the two of them to be doing. I want to push him away and take over. I want to be the one to touch her hair even though my reasoning is different from Ed’s, at least I hope it is.

I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding when Ed takes a step back when her hair is finally fixed. But, of course, Lily turns around and gives him a hug and a kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you, even though you insulted me before helping me.”

“Any time.”

Lily slaps him on his arm, sharing a laugh with him.

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.

F*ck, why am I freaking out so much about this? Nothing is going on between them.

Lily finally turns back to me, a genuine smile now present on her face. However, I’m not sure whether I’m the cause of that or not.

“Shall we go?” she asks.

I nod. “Yeah.” I take a step back, allowing her to enter the hallway.

“See you later, Ed,” she says.

“See ya.” He stands by the door. I give him a smile and a nod and he returns it with his own. Lily and I head down the hallway and I hear the door close a second later.

We walk in silence and even when I press the button for the elevator, silence still surrounds us. Why is this so awkward?

Cause I made it awkward. I should’ve just been how I usually am when I’m with her. Happy and excited.

But I’m an idiot and I tried to seem cool.

The elevator opens and we step inside. I rack through my brain to come up with anything to strike up conversation. I need to save the rest of my day with her before it even starts.

“So, what are we going to do?” she asks, saving me from the burden of thinking of what to say.

I look down at her and find comfort in her smile. I miss her smile. I miss being able to look at it any time I wanted to, allowing it to relax me instantly. I remember when I would meet up with her after a long day at the studio and she would greet me with her smile and all of my stress and anxiety would immediately disappear.

Her smile is my comfort blanket. I see it and I feel like I’m safe from anything and everything.

“Harry?” she giggles.

I feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment, realizing that I was just staring at her, at her smile. I’m saved by the bell when the elevator opens. We step outside and head to the front door. Thankfully, there are no paparazzi outside.

“Is there anything you wanted to do? I was thinking we could just hang out at our--I mean, my spot,” I stutter.

Lily doesn’t seem phased by my slip-up as we head to my car.

“That sounds lovely. We can get some food so we can eat there. I’d love to watch the sunset there.”

“Yeah, that would be perfect.”

It really would be. What could be more perfect? Spending the rest of the day with her, just her, in our spot. The spot that we’ve shared many moments with together. Watching the sunset with her beside me and then hopefully staying long enough afterwards until the darkness looms over us with the stars and the moon shining brightly in the sky.

We pick up McDonald’s along the way and I drive slightly faster to our spot, anxious to get there. Lily holds the food while I grab the blanket from the trunk and lay it down a few feet behind the ledge. I grab the food from Lily and place it on the blanket as I sit down. I hold my hand out for her to help her sit down.

“Did you want to eat now?” I ask her.

She shakes her head. “No, I'm still full from lunch. You can eat if you’re hungry.”

“It’s alright. I’m still full as well.” I place the food by the end of the blanket, putting it out of the way.

Lily’s POV

“You wouldn’t happen to have your guitar in your car, would you? I could play you the song that I told you about on the phone.”

His shoulders slightly slump. “Unfortunately, I don’t. I would’ve if I had known that you would be so willing to play it for me.”

I laugh. “I promised you I would the next time I saw you, didn’t I?”

I love this. I miss us teasing each other.

“Yes. Yes, you did. And I’m an idiot for forgetting to bring my guitar. I’ll make sure to bring it with me everywhere I go from now on.”

“Hm, maybe I won’t be so willing to next time. You had your chance today,” I tease.

He sticks out his bottom lip, giving me his best pout. “That’s not fair. I can’t help it that I was just too excited to see you today that I forgot to bring my guitar.”

His adorable face and the sweetness of his explanation warm me up inside. I can feel a blush creeping on my cheeks and I look down at the blanket.

“Well, even though you weren’t able to play it for me today, I know that it would’ve been an amazing song,” he adds when I remain silent.

Why is he so sweet even when he’s not trying?

“Thanks. So, how’s the album coming along?” I ask, wanting to change the topic.

His face lights up and I can’t help but stare at his lips. I used to always love watching his lips move as he spoke.

“It’s great. We’re done recording. We just have to edit it and go through the other details. We’re hoping to release it by September and then we’re going to go out and promote it around that time before and after the release.”

“That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear it.”

“We we’re actually planning on having the final listen when it’s all done at the end of August but…”

“But I won’t be here anymore,” I finish for him with a sad smile.

“That’s why I’ve been wanting to have it finished as soon as possible so you would be able to listen to it with us.”

My heart swells at his gesture.

“I’m sorry. But, I mean, I’ll just have to wait like every other fan. I’ll be just as excited about it.” I attempt to lighten his mood, mine as well. It would be great to listen to it with them, with Harry. I wonder if the song I heard him sing at El’s will be on it. I mean, he recently wrote it so I’m not sure if he was able to get it on the album. It sucks that I’ll have to wait until September to hear it but I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait.

Would it too much to ask Harry to listen to it before it’s released?

I shake my head. No, I can’t do that. I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of Harry. I don’t deserve to hear it any more than their fans do. I would feel bad.

“How about that song you and Ed are recording?” he asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“We’re actually gonna start recording tomorrow. I’m nervous but I can’t wait.”

“That’s great.”

“What’s it like though? Recording in a studio?”

He shrugs. “It’s just like singing in your own room except you have to repeat certain lyrics over and over again until you get it right. It’s fun. I’m sure you’ll like it. Don’t be too worried about it. And Ed will be with you so I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

He gives me a reassuring smile and I relax slightly.

“Maybe I can go and see you,” he suggests.

I laugh. “Nuh-uh. I told you I don’t want you to hear it before it’s finished. Regardless of us…not being together anymore…” I trail off but I clear my throat and look up at him again. “Even though we’re not together anymore, I still want to finish it first before you hear it.”

Sadness flashes through his eyes as we continue to look at each other. I can’t seem to rip my gaze away from his. This topic is sensitive for me, for us. I don’t know how to handle it.

“Yeah. Yeah, I understand,” he says, finally turning his gaze away from me. “Well, I can’t wait to hear it.”

I nod when he looks back at me.

“It’ll be done before I leave you’ll be able to hear it soon. I guess some of us can finish songs on time, not like certain people,” I tease, hoping to ease some of the tension filling the air around us. It seems to work as a smile appears on Harry’s face.

“Oh, you’re gonna go there, aren’t you?” he says, amusement present on his features.

I bite my lip, holding back my laughter. “Uh-huh. You got a problem with that?”

I’m reminded of the last time that I used this threat against him. Back when we went stargazing on top of his car at this exact same spot and he was trying to get me to tell him what the same song was about.


“I guess kissing you won’t work since it seems to make you forget about what I’m trying to get out of you.”

I roll my eyes with a smile. “I guess not. Works in my favour. I get to kiss you and I don’t have to tell you the secret.”

“Oh, so now you remember.” His eyebrows raise and a smirk appears on his adorable face.

I giggle. “I guess I just did. You got a problem with that?”


“Yes, I do have a problem with that.”

I stand up just in time. Harry lurches forward, knowing that he was going to tickle me just like he did the last time. I laugh as I run away into the trees. There’s still light out so he can still see me, just like I can see him running after me, a huge smile on his face.

I weave through the trees and when I look over my shoulder to see how close Harry is, I trip over a root sticking out of the ground and I fall down with a scream. I scrape my knee on a rock as I land with a thud.


Harry reaches me, a worried look on his face as I turn over on my back and sit up. I look down at my knee and see blood trickling down my leg. Harry kneels down beside me and places his hand on my leg, around the wound. I wince when I try to straighten it.

“Are you okay?”

I nod. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just glad it’s my knee and not my head.”

He grins and shakes his head. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

I scoff and smack his head, earning a laugh from Harry.

“You think you can walk? I have a first aid kit in my car.”

I nod. “Yeah. Can you just help me up?”

He stands up and leans over to wrap an arm around me as I hold his other hand. I stand up and he immediately supports me when I straighten up. He keeps his arm around me as I limp back to the car.

He opens the trunk and he helps me sit down in it, my legs hanging off the back of the car. He grabs the first aid kit from the side of the trunk and opens it.

“I’m just going to rinse out some of the blood.” He takes out a bottle of water and pours it over my knee, washing away the blood. It’s cold against my skin but it slightly burns. He wipes off the water around the wound with a clean towel. I lift up my leg slowly, resting my foot on the floor of the trunk so he can clean it better. He takes out a bottle of rubbing alcohol and pours some of it onto gauze before he looks up at me.

“This is going to burn.”

I nod. “Can…can I hold your hand?”

“Of course.”

I grab his free hand and close my eyes, not wanting to know when he’s going to--


I squeeze Harry’s hand when I feel the alcohol burn through my skin.


I hiss through my teeth, through the pain. I can feel tears prickling my eyes, the pain lingering on my skin.

“I’m sorry.”

I want to tell him that it’s not his fault but I can’t speak through the pain.

“I’m just going to clean it one more time.”

I just nod, not even knowing if he’s looking at me. He lets go of my hand to pour some alcohol onto new gauze. I close my eyes again and grab his hand and a few seconds later, I feel the coolness of the alcohol swiping against the wound. It’s not as bad at the first time but there’s still the tingling burn.

“All done.”

I open my eyes and look down at my knee. The blood is all gone. All I can see is the scrape running a couple of inches across the skin. It’s not deep so I’m thankful that I won’t need stitches.

“Don’t worry, you’ll live.”

I laugh, letting go of his hand. He gets another piece of gauze, folding it up and placing it on top of the wound.

“Can you hold this for a second?”

I place my fingers over it while he goes into the kit to get some tape. He rips a couple of pieces off before he places it over the gauze to hold it in place.

“Thank you, Doctor.”

He laughs as he throws away the bloody gauze. I put my leg down again and watch him as he puts everything else away back into the kit, putting it away afterwards.

“Are you going to be okay now or do I need to buy you a helmet?”

“Shut up.” I laugh and smack his head.

He holds his hand out to help me down. He closes the trunk and we walk back to the blanket.

“You hungry?” he asks.

“Yeah. I’m a bit woozy from all that blood I lost.”

“Oh, poor you,” he laughs.

We sit down and we start eating our food. I look out at the view, seeing the sun getting lower in the sky.

Suddenly, I feel something hit my face and I look down and see a fry on my lap. I look up at Harry but he’s looking away. I can see him trying to hold back a smile but then he starts whistling and then put a fry in his mouth. He still avoids my gaze as he looks out at the view.

“Um, why did you throw a fry at me?”

He looks over at me and he puts on a confused expression.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

I roll my eyes but a smirk appears on my face against my own will. I take the fry that he threw at me and throw it back at him.

He gasps. “Lily. That is rude.”

“You threw it at me first.”

“I didn’t throw it at you. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “So a fry just flew at me on it’s own.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I laugh and push his shoulder.

We finish our food and put away our garbage.

“Shall we watch the sunset now?” I ask.


I see him look around the blanket and then out at the view in confusion.

“I have an idea.”

He gets up and heads to the car.

“Grab the blanket and stand over there.”

He points towards the edge of the trees and I grab the blanket off of the ground and stand where he told me to. I watch as he gets into the car and turns it on. However, he leaves the door open as he turns the car around.

“You’re not going to leave me here, are you?” I joke.

He laughs just as he puts the car in reverse.

“No, not until later.”

I shake my head with a grin on my face. He reverses the car towards the edge but not close enough where it could cause it to fall under its weight. He turns off the car and hops out.

“We can sit in the trunk while we watch so we’re comfortable.”

I smile at his idea. I thought it was thoughtful. I hand him the blanket and he places it in the trunk. He hops in and sits down, leaning against the back of the seat. He extends his arm out beside him.

“Come on.”

I bite my lip in hesitation.

Will it be okay to do this? This seems like something couples do. It just seems too romantic.

“Just get in here before I make you watch the sunset from out there.”

I smile, finally making up my mind as I take in the smile on his face.

I hop onto the back of the car and sit beside him. I hesitantly move close to him as he wraps his arm around my shoulder.

I hear him take a deep breath as we both look out at the setting sun. He starts to rubs circles on my arm and I grab the blanket and place it over the both of us. I hesitate as I slowly rest my head on his shoulder but I instantly relax when he pulls me in closer.

We just sit in silence, watching the sunset in front of us as it gets more and more beautiful as time passes.

This was not how I pictured today to be but it doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. I had such an amazing day today with Harry. The lunch wasn’t that great. I was ready to pounce over the table at Ivana when she practically insulted Ed and his music.

I could also see that Harry was bothered by something, especially when she mentioned something happening around the day that I was leaving. Whatever is it, I hate that she’s bothering Harry about it.

However, being here now with him made up for it.

I was surprised to see Harry at Ed’s flat today. I thought that he was going to be with Ivana all day.

I was glad that he wanted to hang out with me some more because I wanted to, too. I wanted it to just be the two of us. I had offered to hang out at the flat first because I wasn’t sure whether he would want to stay in and watch a movie or something. I was also hoping that him and Ed would talk and make up. I hate that there’s still tension between them and I hate it even more that it’s my fault. I’m leaving soon but I don’t want to leave here without having things between them be good again. I would feel the guilt with me when I leave.

But I could tell that he wasn’t really up for hanging out at the flat so I suggested that we could go out. He didn’t seem ecstatic about that idea either but he seems okay with it now.

I liked how comfortable things are with us now. We’re teasing each other, laughing, joking around, just like things were when I first got here.

And when he helped me after I fell, I liked how he took care of me. I couldn’t help but look at the concentration on his face whenever I would take a peek as he cleaned up my leg. The way his eyebrows scrunched together and when he would bite his lip.

And now, here in his arms, watching the sunset in the back of his car, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to end this night. I had thought that we would just sit on the ledge beside him and watch the sunset but this is much better. It’s definitely more comfortable than sitting on the hard ground.

But that’s not why I’m enjoying this so much. What I like the most is just being in his arms. I feel safe. I feel warm. I feel happy.

I don’t even bother reminding myself that he’s with someone else now. I’m going to allow myself to enjoy this moment. This doesn’t mean anything more than friends sitting and watching the sunset. I would do this with Ed.

But even though I would do this with Ed, I feel like it’s different with Harry. I don’t know what it is or at least I don’t want to admit it to myself.

I accepted the fact that he’s moved on. I accepted the fact that I need to move on myself. But now, being here with him and spending today with him, I’m experiencing something that happened the last time we we’re just friends.

Even though I’ve never stopped loving him, I feel like I’m falling in love with him all over again.




OMG the concert was amazing! i couldn't believe that they were actually there in front of me. It's weird seeing them in person because you realize that they're actually real people. It's hard to explain but yeah it was amazing. So many cute moments. A lot of Harry spitting water and throwing water. He danced a lot, too. As well as Niall. Liam and Zayn sang amazingly and Louis was so cute when he thought he messed up but he was perfect. And of course, Harry almost fell over a couple of times. He actually almost fell off of the rising stage during One Thing. I nearly had a heart attack. You can watch all of the videos that I took, I posted them on youtube. You can find the links on my twitter! @sheeriostyles 

Anyways, please let me know what you think of this chapter. I had a bit of writer's block to try and add more to this chapter but I think I'm happy with it. Please like and comment!

15 more likes and 10 comments before the next chapter!

Thanks for reading! :)

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