Running Scared - In Search of Truth Pt1

My NaNoWriMo Entry for 2013.

Sinead and Tom are two like minded spirits who find that love is hard to share. They must overcome the everyday problems they have to find if Pokemon actually survive. From grimy Stockby, their search takes them to Malaysia and the truth, but can they handle the truth and will they be together at the end?

Please note that is not a novel about Pokemon.

Inspired by a conversation around a campfire.

Dedicated to the real Sinead. #iLECT

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9. Things Pop Up - Sinead's Point of View

We were sat in the front room. Sun streamed in through the windows, it looked like the day was getting better, even though we’d had a red sky first thing. I looked at the clock. It was only ten thirty. It seemed like this morning had gone on forever, such had been the emotions and shenanigans of the morning. I looked around the room. It was still decorated in the style of his parents. There were little touches that we’d changed but it was like living in a time capsule. I sighed, if Tom and I actually got married, I’d want to change everything in this room. I wondered what Tom would say about that? If we got married, although he’d asked me and I’d said yes we hadn’t got a ring or even announced it. I suppose the trouble with my family had sort of caused us a problem.

I’d insisted on getting dressed and coming downstairs so we could have a chat. It’s quite disconcerting talking to someone when your bits are on display. For one thing you don’t know quite where to look!

‘You go first’, I said to Tom catching his eye.

I saw him hesitate, his brain gears whirring as he formed the words in his head.

‘Before I start I want to say something,’ he said as if in pain. I wondered what was coming and bit my lip nervously. I hoped that this conversation would clear the air between us, what I didn’t want was us to be in conflict, but I wanted us to be together. He hesitated obviously having seen my worried expression. I nodded to him to continue.

‘Look, whatever happens between us,’ he said, my heart sinking, ’I love you more than all the chocolate in Cadbury’s.’

‘However,’ again my heart did a flip, ‘I need you to connect with me more. I’ve had a great few months and you’re fantastic, but I find it difficult to get close. I’m not talking about bed, but the rest of it. You never let me comfort you when you’re angry. You never let me know if anything’s wrong until it’s too late. The damn walls that you put up are really hurting our relationship big time.’

I’d never heard him say so much in one go. He was looking deep inside me. I felt the probes slipping under my wall and trying to winkle out my innermost thoughts. I looked out of the window trying to select the correct words. I usually was so good with words. Words and pictures were my world. Art and English at college. I knew what he meant but it was hard for me. I didn’t like to let people see the vulnerabilities I had. If I gave an outward hard edge then maybe I wouldn’t get bullied, maybe they’d see that I didn’t need pity. Everyone seemed to accept this, Oh it’s just Sinead they’d say and shrug it off. My wall was my shield. It helped protect me from the ravages of the world, it kept my sanity in this world where I sometimes found difficulty connecting with.

‘You see, I can see you withdrawing already. Listen Sinead, I want to share in your pain and your happiness. I can’t do that if you won’t let me fully into your life. I won’t laugh, make fun of you. I want us to be a real couple, a pair who share our lives.’ He said. I saw him sitting on the edge of his seat awaiting my reply.

What could I say, I knew he wouldn’t ridicule me, I felt the love travelling across the few feet that separated us. His expression left me in no doubt that this was a big moment for him. I knew he suffered from self-esteem issues and wasn’t really a forceful type. I wondered how much I could give, should I lie and say I’d work on it. His mannerism left me in no doubt though that I needed to be truthful, I needed to either commit to Tom or lose him. When I put it like that there was only one choice.

I held out my hands to him and vigorously nodded my head, kind of like one of those Churchill dogs. I saw the relief in his manner. He was pleased. I started to cry once again. Damn you Tom, I’ve not cried in front of anyone for years and in the space of twenty four hours I’d done it numerous times. Why these wild mood swings, what was happening to me.

‘I’ll try my best’, I blurted out, ‘and you have to help me, tell me when I’m doing it. I can’t change overnight but I’m sure with your help I’ll be able to overcome this.’

He moved to sit with me and I nestled my head into his shoulder. Passing me a tissue he kissed my forehead.

‘We’ll try, we’ll try’ he said. He pondered and looked at me. I felt him pull away. What had I done wrong now? He slipped onto the floor still holding my hand. Ah, that’s it. I made to join him but he stopped me. What? He looked deep into my eyes, deep into my very soul.

‘Sinead, I’ve asked you this before, but I think we’re having a new start so will you marry me?’ he asked earnestly.

Looking into his eyes, I saw my future. It was a prospect that I liked, a life shared. The tears came again. Damn you hormones.

‘Yes, yes, yes’ was all I could say. I flung my arms around Tom pulling his head towards my chest.

‘Thank you,’ he said, ‘I’ll look after you for the rest of your life. This time we’ll do it right, this time we’ll get the ring and have a party’

I just hugged him tighter. Today was turning out to be quite a day. So many emotions, not all of them good. I had a feeling we’d be headed up stairs again in the next few minutes or maybe on the floor. It was also turning into a very exhausting day.

A few minutes later there was a booming knock on the front door.

Shit I thought, who the hell is that?

Tom pulled himself off the floor adjusting his clothes as he went towards the door. As he opened it, he turned back to me and grinned.

‘Don’t move’ was all he said. I lay back against the sofa. Gee, I was engaged to a superstud now, and you’re turning into a whore I thought. I struck up what I thought might be a suggestive pose, although I had no idea if it really was.

I heard the front door open. A muttered exchange and then the door shut again. Come on idiot, I reflected, I can’t keep this position for much longer.

It seemed an inordinate amount of time had passed before I heard the door open. Then nothing. I looked over my shoulder and saw Tom standing there just staring at me.

‘Well hello honey, are you pleased to see me’ I said in an unnaturally deep husky voice that I thought might actually be alluring, but probably sounded hilarious. There was no response. I shook my head and turned over to face him.

I realized that he was holding something, a parcel. I sat up and looked across at him. He looked shocked but had a huge grin on his face. I pulled on a t-shirt and stood up Smoothing it down I walked to him. He held the parcel out to me.

I too it. It was covered in brown paper and looked as though it had been rolling around in the back of a van for weeks. It was quite heavy and rattled when I moved it from side to side. Gaffer tape covered the sides. The writing on it carried Tom’s name and address. The stamp was the most intriguing, it had been posted in Malaysia.

‘Kiyoshi?’ I said quietly

‘Tom turned the parcel over and I saw Kiyoshi’s name.

I held it out between us wondering quite what to do. We’d waited for the parcel for so long, it was part of my dream. Less than twelve hours ago I’d given up all hope and now I held it in my hands, and I was scared what to do next.

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