Stuck Behind The Mask

One Girl.
One Mask.
One Choice.
This is my Life.
You don't want to live it...

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3. The

So this is me.

I love to sing even though I'm not the best. I love to act even though I'm not the best. I love to play music even though I'm not the best. I am weird and I love it. I am random and I love it. I am strange and I love it. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. I used to be a self-harmer. I used to be anorexic. I am still underweight but I don't care. Everyone says they would love my thigh gap and my flat stomach but really I hate being underweight. Everything bruises me. Clothes are too big. All my bones stick out. It's quite disgusting. I have struggles at home just like anyone else. Someday, I will mark the world so that I'm not forgotten. I am mad and insane and quirky and yet I am also quiet and insecure and slowly collapsing. I don't know what job I want to do when I'm older because I want to acheive so much in life. I want to be a Nurse. I want to be an Ice-Cream Woman. I want to be an Artist. I want to be an Author. I want to be a Singer. I want to be an Actor. I want to be an Astronaut. Yes, so of those things are silly or might not ever happen but I don't care. Aim high, what's the worst that can happen??

When I die, i am scared no one will miss me and I will be forgotten within minutes. I'm scared to loose the people I love. My Best Friend left me. All my other friends left me. My Father left me. My Sister left me. My Brother left me, he was the only one that came back but I'm scared to loose him agian. I'm scared of clowns because when I was younger a clown popped my balloon, so i pushed him down a hill and ran off crying. I'm scared of people in costumes because it's like they're trying to hide there true identity. That's why i am scared of halloween. I used to be scared of spoons because I could see myself in the reflection upside down and I thought that I was the one upside down.

I am NOT scared of spiders because i think they are more scared of me. I am NOT scared of snakes because I think they are cute. I am NOT scared of death because I like death, I think that if it's your time to go then you go. That's why i don't like hospitals and treatments because it's like cheating death and why would you want to do that?? I am NOT scared of sharks because it is actually rare that they attack humans. I am NOT scared of Piranas because they only attack when you have an open wound because they can smell the blood then, that's why they normally eat left overs that bigger fish have killed. I am NOT scared of heights because I don't think we was born to stay grounded. You see, I am not scared of things normal people are scared of because I put logic in it and then you can see there is no point in being scared.

I swear alot. I don't know why, but when I'm happy i swear alot and when I'm angry I don't. I think it's because when I am happy i don't really care how stupid I sound but when I am angry I am intelligent so i don't swear. Studies show that people who swear are more listened to but I am not listened to at any time.

There's another thing about me. Feelings. I don't know how to express feelings. When I want to cry, I will sit alone and not say a word to anyone and be emotionless. When I want to be happy, I can be happy. When I want to be sad, I will cover up my sadness by being extremley hyper, espeially when it is problems with home because I don't want sympathy. I can be agressive and nasty and not mean to be. I can hurt someone, but not actually mean to do it. It's like my body takes over me and i have no control over what I am doing. I won't be able to move sometimes because my body won't let me even though my mind is telling me I can move.

I don't care what people think of my style either, because I wear onesies, snapbacks, traccies, but I also wear beanies, skirts, and dresses. I don't want to have sex until I'm married - not because of any religion but because I have respect for myself and the person i marry will have respect for me.

But believe it or not, you still don't know me...

 

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