The Mask

Everyone wears a mask of some sort and I'm sick of wearing mine. Are you?

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1. Taking off the mask

What does your mask look like?

Is it green - envious of others, of their seemingly perfect life creating self-loathing and a constant effort to be that person by adding make up or a personality change with the constant knowledge that no matter what you do, nothing is going to change?

Is it red - angry at the world, how people lash out at you for no reason or for something that you can't and don't want to change. Maybe you are the one that lashes out but you don't tell anyone why because why would you? It's your life and none of their business.

Is it pink - the constant need for attention because you have an amazing personality and opinions and are just generally fantastic...and yet no one sees it and so you try to get the attention and approval which you desperately need in other ways I don't need to mention because you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Is it black - constantly getting screwed over by the world and you repress the feelings, constantly needing to scream and cry and let it all out but you can't. You could be surrounded by friends and yet feel alone. You could have a great boyfriend who screws you over but you have to 'get over it' because you're a teenager and because of that it doesn't constitute as a meaningful relationship. 

I'll tell you mine. It's all of the above. I constantly compare myself to everyone else, convincing myself that I don't care what other people think of me because most of the time I don't. I dress up all the time in ridiculous fun clothes because I want to express a personality that I have but don't show. I call myself the mad hatter's daughter because I'm mad and insane and quirky and yet I'm also quiet and insecure and slowly collapsing. I have been screwed over by too many guys for someone my age (16) and feel like it's my fault when I know it's not. I can't cope with school. I suffer from sleep deprivation and temporomandibular joint disorder and am in constant pain every minute of the day. The idea of failing my exams terrifies me because I have one life and I want to live it right and I have the constant want to be perfect and make everyone happy. I'm scared that I will be forgotten when I die and no one will miss me. I'm scared that I will lose everyone close to me because when I get close to a group of people and one by one they drift away, I feel like I'm losing my family one by one. I try to be the agony aunt for everyone I know, hoping that if I can make someone else's life a little bit brighter, mine will be less shit. That's another thing. I don't swear. Not out loud anyway. It's not just because I'm a christian. It's the principle. Studies show that people who swear are generally listened to more but I don't swear because I want to maintain a reputation of the 'good girl' that my parents brought me up to be. But that means when I have something to say, I'm not heard because my feelings aren't important. WELL ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING NOW? See that's so aggressive and hateful and not me at all. But I could be. I could be all sorts of nasty. But I choose not to be because it's not who I am. I don't give a shit what people think of my style, of my religion, of the fact I don't want to have sex until I'm married - again not because I'm a christian, but because I believe if I can find a guy who's willing to wait then he's the right guy for me - and I don't give a damn that I'm not perfect.

So this is me. I love to sing even though I'm not the best. I love to dance even though I'm not the best. I am weird and I love it. I have obsessions like any normal teenager. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. I am underweight and I don't act like I care when people tell me my legs are gonna snap in a jokey way but I fucking do. I have struggles at home like any normal teenager. One day I'm going to make my mark on the world so I'm not forgotten. I focus on making others feel better but not myself. I say I don't care what people think but there is always that one guy. That one guy. That one guy who doesn't and will never know how I feel because he can't ever know. He's the one that I'm scared of losing and whose opinion about me matters more than anyone else's. 

And as for my religion, yeah, I believe in Jesus and in God and in Heaven and Hell and that God created the world because surely believing that there is something more than all this shit is so much better than believing that when we die that's all there is and it's just nothing for eternity. Because surely that in itself is hell?

Society makes us teenagers believe that we have to wear a mask because when we grow up we will learn who we are and another layer will form on the mask but we are still wearing it, clinging on to the person we wish we were. I wish I was perfect like the girl at school who everyone wants to be (and you all know who I mean). But then I don't. Because you don't have to be perfect to be amazing because you already are. You don't have to be 'normal' because what's the fun in that? You don't have to wear make up. I mean you can if you want but you don't have to wear it to look beautiful because you already are. Fuck what society says about you. If society tells you you're too fat, fuck them. If it tells you you're too thin, fuck them. If it tells you you can't love someone who's the same gender, tell them to get their head out of their arse because it's happening and their opinion doesn't mean shit. If the world says swearing is bad, they're just words. Next you'll be saying that the word 'black' is a swear because it can be considered racist. Grow the fuck up.

I'm tired of wearing my mask because it's killing me inside.

I'm tired of wearing the mask that society placed on me in the first place.

So this is me. Taking off my mask, exposed for the world to see and I don't give a shit. 

My question to you is, will you be brave enough to take off YOUR mask and look society in the face and say "This is me. Fuck you."

Go on. I dare you.
 

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