Dark ll || Z.M

'I am not going to loose you again Brook!' he yelled at me, his eyes fully on anger. 'Zayn I can do what I want to do!' I shouted back, finding my voice. He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, 'In those three months you seem to of forgotten your mine' he whispered harshly, 'you seem to of forgotten, you do as your told' he snapped.

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64. Call Me.

Brook's Pov

 

“I wish you were dead” Liam told me, “Oh thanks” I laughed, “Then we could be together all the time” he spoke, “We were together most of the time” I told him, “No I mean like... Alone time” he smirked and grinned up against me, “Liam” I gasped laughing. “Don't act like you haven't imagined it, I have” he smirked in my ear. Dancing with Liam in this state is going to get me no where good, “Okay, you've had enough to drink” I told him, and he rolled his eyes, then smirked. “Is that the princess way of saying we should take me home and get me into bed” he laughed, “Not in the way your thinking” I smirked at him.

 

We had been at the club for a good couple of hours, Liam was highly intoxicated. I wasn't that bad, I had drank but not enough to have sex with Liam. Louis was at the bar with Harry and they sat talking. Niall had passed on clubbing with us, considering the way he was talking about me and Harry and the way he talked about my past. I didn't want to see him now. Though I had missed him something rotten, I couldn't bare to hear anymore about why I was not over Zayn, because I was. I looked to the bar where Harry was. I loved him. I did. He treated me right, he did anything to make me smile, and he held me when he needed to.

 

I walked over to Louis and Harry with a stumbling Liam not far behind me. “I think we need to get him home” I smirked back at Liam, who's glazed eyes looked me up and down. “Eyes up Payne” Harry warned him finishing his drink, and taking lead in guiding Liam out. “Maybe I can have you now” Louis smiled. I had spent the first part of tonight with Niall, then the rest with Liam. As for Harry he had, had me to himself for four months. “Sure” I smiled. “So you and Harry?” he asked me, “No, stop, I have talked enough about my relationships” I moaned, “What about you, found any lucky lady yet?” I asked him, he tucked his hands into his pockets, and shook his head. “I think I am meant to be alone” he smirked at me, “That's not true” I told him, and he laughed lightly.

 

“I am not complaining, I mean I can go out when I want, sleep with who I want, you know its not bad” I rolled my eyes, “Your such a guy” I smirked at him. I had biting my lip all night. I wondered if the boys had heard from Zayn. If they knew where he was, what he was doing, maybe who was with. If I asked, Niall would say I still cared, Liam would say something like “Why the fuck do you care?” , and Harry needed to think he was all I was thinking about. But Louis. He would take as an ordinary question. “So, have you heard from him at all?” Louis asked me, what? “I swear you can read my mind” I laughed softly, “Why?” he asked me, “I was going to ask you that” I confessed.

 

“Well, no I haven't heard from him... he is distant, and I think he knows we would kill him if we saw him again, after what he did to you, I am not surprised he hasn't shown his face” he seethed. “I want you to help me with something” I told him, “Anything” he smiled as we got out side of the club, and a few metres in front of us Liam had his arm swung around Harry's shoulder, sounding the odds to the world. “This can stay between us though, yeah?” I asked him, and he nodded softly, and we slowed are pace down. “Zayn told me the day of the wedding... that something he said to me was a lie, just one thing... and it was the letter... and I don't know what line it is” I told him, “Right” he spoke, “Will you go through it with me, help me make some sense of it?” I asked and he nodded and wrapped me in a hug, “Of course I will” he told me, and I smiled softly at him.

 

“I don't like dragging it all back up, but if I want to really be something with Harry I just need closure you know, or some shit like that” I told him, he laughed. “Harry really loves you, and I know your never going to love him like Zayn” he told me, and I looked to the floor. Knowing there was truth in his words. “but... if you can give him at least of the love you gave Zayn then he is going to be so happy” he told me, and I laughed softly. “I loved him too much, didn't I?” I sighed looking up to Louis in the black haze around us. “No, he just didn't love you enough” he whispered. Though Louis honesty trait was good, it did pack a hard punch in my chest. And it hurt.

 

“Come on you two” I heard Harry shout, “Yeah come on” Liam slurred his words. “We will do it tomorrow okay?” he asked me, and I nodded. “Thank you” I smiled at him, and we jogged to catch up to the others. After a very long and loud car ride home thanks to Liam, every went to bed. Liam crashed out on the couch, and Harry and Louis went to separate rooms. It was a nice feeling being back in this house, the boys had looked after it. Though I saw Zayn's things gone from it, he had told the boys they could keep the house. It wasn't like a home anymore, it was just a house. It was cold, and empty, with faded old memories.

 

I sat at the table and routed through the cupboards looking for a bottle of something to take away the bitter-sweet feeling of being in this house. I took a glass from the cupboard, and the bottle and went to sit outside in the cold on the decking area. I poured a lonely glass of Baileys, and smiled as I drank it. The edge was taken of right away. I thought of Nights I spent alone here with Zayn, when he looked at me the way the stars looking at the moon. Or the way the children looking a flowers. He looked at me like he was going to love me until every clock stopped ticking. But that was gone, and I was just left with gaping hole in my chest of where his words once were, no I had a patch work piece there instead.

 

“Can't sleep” I heard, and it was Niall. I pulled my jacket around me tighter, “If you are here to give me another lecture save it, I have had enough” I dart my eyes away from him, but he comes and sits beside me, his warm hand grabs mine, and I ease slightly. I don't look at him still, just at our hands. “I am sorry... I just don't want you giving your heart away just because you feel like no one else will see the good in you... I see it” he spoke quietly, “I'm not just giving it away, Harry has a part of it-..” he cut me off, “He shouldn't have a part of it, he should have the whole of it” he told me, “Niall” I warn him, “Brook, I have a bad feeling about it” he told me, “About me and Harry?” I asked him, and he nodded softly, “I just think your going to get hurt again” he told me, “That's my choice to make” I snapped at him, yanking my hand away from his.

 

“I understand your concern but stop” I told him, “I am going to get my heart broke no matter where I go, no one is going to make me feel the way I felt with Zayn” I spoke, my heart breaking more as my mouth continued. “Harry is the best thing that is going to happen to me, I am to fucked up for anyone else to possibly love me! I have cuts and bruises, I have nothing with out Zayn okay? Is that what you wanted hear!” I shout at him, he opened his mouth to speak but I stopped him, “I'm not done” I snapped, and he looked down. “I am not mad at you Niall, you just made me realise that I am still so mad at myself” I whispered, and turned from him, “Why?” he asked me.

 

“I'm mad because I am always too nice, I was always giving myself away to easily, I forgave him for things I shouldn't, I say sorry when I have done nothing wrong, I am so mad because I made Zayn Malik my life, and I still want him to be my life, but I can't have it...I'm mad because I wasted too much time on him, but really... you want to know what I am most mad at myself for?” I asked him, tears now rolling down my cheeks, “What?” he utter quietly, “I am mad because I still don't hate him” I whispered, “You love him” he told me, “Of course I do” I spoke and closed my eyes not even hiding my tears, because what was the point, Niall knew me too well anyway.

 

“Look, I know you love Harry, I know you want to be happy, and I also know he can do that, but you can't be 100% committed to him right now if you still have feelings for Zayn” he told me, “Niall I don't think those feelings are ever going to leave, so are you saying I should just never be with anyone again?” I asked him, “I am saying you need to find someone normal, someone who had a real job, someone who isn't a murderer or a criminal, someone that can give you what you need” he told me, I stood up then and my defensive barrier went back up. “Well, thanks Niall but I am fine, maybe you should focus on your own life before you carry on meddling in mine” I snapped and walked back into the house. All the feeling had gone now, I didn't need Zayn. I had Harry.

 

Niall came in moments later, and looked as if he had so much to say to me, instead he just settled for “Goodnight” and then left. I stood in the kitchen on my own. Wiping my face of all the tears, I was stronger than this. So much stronger. I took the glass in my hand and let the mixture of salty tears and baileys run down my throat. My phone began to ring from the kitchen table, I walked over, stepping out side to answer the call from the unknown number. “Hello?” I ask cautiously, “Anyone there?” I ask again, with little response, on hazed music in the back ground. “If this is some sort of joke you can just save it” I snapped, “Brook” the voice spoke, and I was ready to hang up but then, every doubt, every fear, left. Because he said my name.

 

For a moment we were both silent on the line, neither speaking or knowing what to say. “I think just got over you, and now you pull a stunt like this?” I whispered my heart breaking, “I didn't mean it” he whispered. “What didn't you mean, to leave me, or to call?” I asked him, “Both” he whispered. There was another loud moment of silence, “Just tell me, what line was it that was a lie... or was it all just one big one?” I asked him the tears filling my eyes like water balloons again, “Brook I-..” I cut him off, I covered my mouth with my hand to silence my sobs, “I have been thinking about it, it's all I think about, so what part of that was true, and what part was a lie” I whispered, begging for an answer. “I... I wish I could tell you, but you have to figure it out... alone” he told me.

 

“Why did you even call me?” I speak more sternly, he was quiet and then he spoke. “I missed your voice” he told me, “Bullshit” I snapped, “It's not” he whispered. I sat down on the cold floor, not knowing what to say to Zayn. Not knowing if I should pour my heart out too him, or if I should just give him the cold shoulder. “Four months Zayn, its been four months and now you decide you miss me?” I asked him softly, “No, just your voice” he reminded me. Of course it wasn't me he missed. “What have you been doing?” he asked, “Oh please, this isn't just a conversation you have with a friend you haven't seen in a while!” I snapped at him, “But...” I stopped, and closed my eyes. “I went travelling with …” he cut me of, “Harry” he seethed.

 

“Your mad” I told him, “No, I don't have a right to be” he told me. “Did you call me up just to remind me you don't love me or was there something actually important?” I wanted to cry and fold into myself but I couldn't. “There was nothing, I just wanted to know you were safe” he told me, “You lost the right to care about that the minute you put pen to paper and ruined me” I tell him, “Okay, I deserve that” he told me, “You deserve so much worse” I spat, “Are you and Harry dating?” he asked me, and I sucked in a breath, I didn't want to tell him. I had a right to tell him I was this confident girl with an amazing boy, but I didn't want him to think I never loved him, that would easier for the both of us. However he wasn't going to think I was the stupid little girl who was still so madly in love with him.

 

“Yeah” I tell him, “Good, are you happy?” he asked me, “Do you care?” I asked him back, he mumbled something I didn't quiet catch, it was probably a snide comment. “Are you at the house?” he asked me, “Yes” I spoke, “Good, there is something I have left for you, its in our ro... your room, under the cabinet” he told me, “You can't keep doing this Zayn” I warned him, “I'm not, this is the last time” he told me. I didn't want it to be the last time. I wanted him to spontaneously call me and talk to me, but I wanted him to say he loved me, not that he was glad I moved on. “Good, then don't call me again” I told him, and let a tear slip. “Okay” he told me, “Okay” I whispered, “Bye Doll” he mummers, “It's Brook” I correct him, and hang up the phone, and cry.

 

I look up to the sky and the tears won't stop, why won't they fucking stop? Was this depression? The feeling of falling and having no one to dare to catch you. Or the thoughts that raced around in your head, telling you it was your fault and you deserved it. The voices that mad me sad, and doubt myself more than ever. I used to think depression was just something people with nothing good in their life, made up so it made them seem a little less, lonely? That they said they were depressed so they had something, something to nurture, something that was really there's. I knew now that I was all wrong. Depression was like being in gigantic bubble, it was like the world around you was slightly hazed with happy people, but inside the bubble there was me, and I wasn't getting out, as if the more I wanted to get out the more it pulled me in, and took the air from my lungs.

 

It was like being locked in a room, by yourself, with only the voices in your head. The ones of friends, and family, the ones of the people that hurt you, the ones that you didn't know. The worst voice of all was your own. Because the thing about your own voice is it tells you all the things you want to hear, and you pull yourself into a false sense of security, and then as if by some force of nature the voice explodes like a volcano, and it screams at you, telling you that your a fuck up, and nothing will ever be good enough, its the voice in your head that tells you to cut out your heart with a pen knife because there is no need for a heart where we are going.

 

I stand up and go into the kitchen throwing the glass into the skin, and picking up the bottle instead. That would be much more sufficient. I walked upstairs, and crept along the hall and into the room that would probably be written into the corners of my mind until the day I die. I walk into the room, and the door still creaks, I thought someone might of fixed it by now, but they hadn't. It a kind reminder that something haven't changed, I mean, who ever said change was good clearly hadn't met me. I looked at the old bed, and ran my fingers over the covers that I once made love to Zayn in, and it was like in some odd way I could see us there again now. I then looked to the cabinet where I had been told to look.

 

I don't know why after four months I still listened to him. I don't know why, I still went and did what he wanted me to do. He always had so undeniable hold over me, and I really couldn't stand that. But I got on my hands and needs and surely enough there was an envelope under there. I scrambled back still sitting on the floor, reaching over and flicking on the lamp that had been broken and fixed several thousand times. I sat down on the cold floor, and the bottle of Baileys was next to me, and I sighed, seeing my name scrawled in black ink along the front of the envelope. I turned it over, and on the back it read. “Things I wish I said”. I took a breath, Zayn wouldn't of left something like this for me, not after everything, he is cruel but he wouldn't call me up just to break my heart more would he.

 

I tore back the envelope. Inside was cut out pieces of paper, in small rectangles and squares, each one read something different on. Some made me sad, then some gave me a swirl in my stomach. It was a painful reminder that he wasn't here with me, I lay them out in the order he had labelled them in. The first piece of paper labelled “1” said. “Brook, I have been writing these since you died, I never gave them too you then, and I kept adding as time went on, because I thought I would have all the time in the world to give them too you, but I figure, if I couldn't say it then, and I can't in the future, I will say all this too you now” and it was like his velvet voice was reading it aloud to me. I took a breath and read them again one by one. This time in the order he said them, leading us up to now.

 

 

Don't leave me. I need you right now. I need you here with me.

Thank you for saving me, when no one else knew I needed saving.

Being just friends with you hurt to much.

I am sorry I accidentally broke your heart, again.

I am really fucking happy I met you, I hope you know that.

Your heart demanded a certain amount of bravery, and I am not sure I have that.

 

The last two hurt the most. But also left me confused.

 

You are really fucking perfect in every way, but I can't love you, like you love me.

 

If you really think I've given up on you, your crazy, and if you think I don't love you, your so wrong.

 

If this was all the way up until the wedding, then what did he mean. He hadn't given up on me, walking away from me was a pretty clear sign. However, knowing he thought I was perfect still brought a delicate crimson to my cheeks. Did he still love me? I mean I thought he didn't and he just said I was wrong if I thought he didn't still love me. Was everything about to change again, I had promised I couldn't go back to him. I was sticking true to that word, because pulling stunts like this only broke me more. I wanted him to explain himself. I stand up and pick up my phone up, dialling the number Zayn called me on. It rang and rang, and tears continued to drip from my eyes like a leaking tap. “This number had been disconnected” the voice spoke on the end of the voice, Zayn destroyed the last way I had of contacting him, I know I told him not to call. But that didn't mean I wouldn't call him. So for this final mistake he couldn't even explain himself. Well done Zayn Malik.

 

I haven't lost Zayn anymore. I have lost the last part of myself.   

 

~*~
 

10 Chapters left guys!! :D Arghgh Zayn, he is cute then he is a mess. Sort your self out man. Comment what you have enjoyed the most please, so I know about dark 3. 

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